Graffiti in downtown Sherbrooke:

"I try to forgive God"

Did I feel that hurt when the house fell down on us? I can't remember, it feels so far away now, not of this lifetime. My mind is all tangled up, I can't think straight. Only one thing running around in my mind; now it can stop, now I can stop at last.

I can't feel anything but pain right now which is good cause I don't think I' be ready to deal right now. My mind as started some deep thinking and I'm not sure I like where that is going. I've been walking around for a couple of hours, always keeping myself from running back to them for comfort or strength. I keep thinking do I need another shirt? Should I just drop by to get my purse or my bag of weapons? My brain is trying to find some way to send me back there. But I'm not going back, that life is over now, I know that.

They were all against me. All. Some with hate, some with love but all a united front. Hate in Giles eyes for my treason, for my choosing Spike over him. Hate from the SIT that love Faith, that find in her a kindred spirit. Love from my friends that didn't want me to make a mistake that could cost them the world.

I think I knew, on some level, all along. Once passed the first surprise, even while I protested I knew they were right. I saw them fight outside the Bronze, they were a group, they stood together against the enemy. They don't need a leader to guide them, they just needed to believe and be needed. Tonight, I saw the same thing, they were united, and I was the enemy.

They were right, not in the details but in the overall picture. This is not my fight anymore. I've always fought alone, that was my duty. Theirs is to be a group, the new and improved Scoobies, now Buffy free.

I know they're right. I just don't know what I'm supposed to be now. I don't think that I'm THE slayer anymore.

I'm leaving the house. I think I'm also leaving my life behind. What could I have to say to them? They don't need me anymore; I'm not sure they really ever did. I'm not an indian, I wasn't a chief. I was a lousy mother, not that good a counsellor either.

I'm only a fighter, a killer.

I'm scared. I know now that all may not end well. I used to be sure that we'd prevail. Now I'm just not sure we're gonna win. Or more precisely that they are gonna win. Oh, it's not because I'm not with them anymore; I'm not that much of a bitch. It's just that before, I felt like the world was still in balance. But I've felt the wind turning and I still got chills running up my spine.

But there's one good thing in this all, now I'm certain that I need Spike. I never was so sure of something in my life. I need him by my side. I'm so not ready to be in the world without him. And I need to tell him, to tell him that I love him.

So I think I'll stick around for a couple of days maybe, just long enough to talk to him again. There's so much I need to tell him, so much that I need forgiveness for. I'm not sure I'll be able to tell him everything but I know I'm willing to try.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I knew something was wrong even before I left. I thought that maybe they wanted to kill me again but then Giles sent Andrew with me. Even if he is a bastard he wouldn't put him willingly in harms way, he's human after all even if he is annoying.

It had to be something else. But nothing happened at the old mission. As soon as I saw their faces when we came back, I knew something had happened to her. Most of them wouldn't look me in the eyes and the others were sending hate vibes in the air. It was clear that I was not wanted here. So hence my first question:

- Where is she?

And my second, since no one answered me.

- What did you do to Buffy?

Willow shot Giles a sideways glance. I saw Faith casually reach for the stake that was hidden in the back of her jeans. Wise girl. I had a feeling that this nice chat wouldn't go smoothly.

- We thought it best and she agreed that for now she should stay away. Only for a little while. I, that is we think that her judgement might be clouded by stress and maybe tiredness. So she'll take a break for know.

- And she agreed to this, I asked.

- Well, yeah, pretty much.

- Well yeah, pretty much, I mocked Red. As in you didn't give her a chance so she had to leave, you bloody ungrateful idiots.

- Hey back off bleach head. Leave her alone.

- You Kennedy shut up. I have no patience with you. You're a selfish brat who can't wait for Buffy to die so you can be the next slayer. You're a pushy broad who thinks being gay is a cool trend. See how much I respect your warnings. I can't believe this. I know you don't like me Watcher, but you supported this whole mutiny? She's finally thinking for herself instead of always asking your opinion, like you trained her to do. She's the general but you can't stand that she makes her own decisions. I can't believe you let your jealousy cloud your judgement like this.

For god's sake, when as she led you astray? The newbies I can understand their attitudes. They're scared, they know now that they could die and they haven't been given much choice in all this. They just found out what this is all about. Still there's a few that need attitude adjustment. They don't think she's a good leader, but maybe they're not good followers. Bitching about the brand of cereals they are eating instead of just remembering that they are still alive to eat them.

They don't know her like we do. They don't know that when it was important she was there, that she never ran. She never ran from an apocalypse. She might have run when her life went to hell and that she knew that no one would understand her pain at having sent not Angelus to Hell, but Angel, her true love. Which she had to do because some real friend thought that if he didn't tell her that they were recursing him with a soul he would finally be rid of Angel and maybe get a shot at Buffy himself. Who knows?

How many of you could have sent your love to Hell with a kiss? How many would have jumped to your death to save your sister's life? How many would have survived being torn from Heaven for some selfish friends who couldn't let go?

The teen squad doesn't know that, but the Scoobies do. You're still pissed that she didn't kill Angelus when you wanted her to. But he's a Champion, did you ever think that maybe someone didn't want him dead? And don't you think that she'd stake me in a moment if she'd thought that it was needed. I know that. You should also know that.

And you Faith, you want a shot at redemption? Think a little less about yourself for once. There is a greater picture here, we might not be able to see it yet, but it's there.

- You're one to talk. Blondie, once again you're out of line. And your precious Buffy won't be there to protect you.

- And you are what, going to take me down? Well bring it own 2, I'm still gonna kick your ass.

I would have killed her right there; I was so pissed off. I don't think Buffy would have liked that much though, so I decided that after I taught slayer number 2 a quick lesson I'd get the hell away from this loser crowd.

They where all standing there, not saying a word. Some where looking guilty, some bored but in all that I said no one took her defence, no one sided with me. They had all judged Buffy and kicked her out of her destiny. Nice.