Chapter 3

As I left the house I felt at once resolve and longing. With some simple words Spike had given me back my strength and my confidence. I'll always wonder about the power of his belief in me.

I don't really feel worthy of it now to tell the truth. I've realised a couple of things tonight. No, that not true, I had a bloody epiphany as Spike would say. As he stood before me, giving all that he could to cheer me up, to rebuild my confidence in myself, I saw him more clearly than I ever did in all the time that I knew him. I saw his newfound sensibility brought out by the soul or maybe just by the excuse of the soul. I've spent a couple of years waving his lack of soul as an excuse to not think about him, not to give him another thought. It's been my wall behind which I kept hidden. I couldn't think about him in any other way because if I had, then what would Angelus have meant to me. Because in the end, only the soul kept him in the Light. He would never have got a soul for me or for any one else for that matter and we were supposed to be soulmates… But Spike, Spike didn't want to hurt me again. In his own selfless manner he gave up what was the remnant of his demon a most powerful leash. Even now I feel overwhelmed by what he did. I don't know how he can have so much light inside himself and I don't believe the soul brought that to Spike. I've seen the light even deep inside, when he thought no one could see him. I saw the determination to save Dawn when Glory had him at his fingertips. I don't know what's a soul anymore.

Tonight he found me a simple shell of myself. I knew when I saw his deep blue eyes that he wouldn't leave my side until he had brought me back to myself. I knew he could do it too, the job was already half done by his presence. He soothed me with his quirky smile, his no nonsense attitude. Tonight I saw the warrior that can't accept defeat, that can't stand the sight of anyone down. I saw the man in him, the man that loves me.

I came face to face with a lot of truth tonight, a lot of things I was hiding from myself. The first was that I was really glad that Spike came for me. No one of my friends, if I still have some left, would have pleased me in coming after me than him. There really was no other choice.

Another surprising thing was that I'd always know and believed in his love. I might have tried to hide it from myself but I couldn't fool him. I've always trusted him, even when I didn't trust myself. I let him lead me to the Dark side, trusting him to keep me safe in the end. Safe from myself mostly.

I know that I had to be there to understand him, I had to go in the dark to finally see the light. It's always the darkest before morning as they say. I have a better idea about myself, about the slayer in me. I don't fight it as much anymore, we came to an understanding. I have this idea that maybe it's not that different as to what a more awoken vampire may endure. I don't have the same blood lust that they have yet I have one. I have my violent streak that helps me do my job.

He knew it, knew what I didn't want to tell him. He knew what I was discovering, knew me better than I did. Spike knew that I truly had feelings for him, even that I'm scared to tell him… to finally tell him that I love him. I felt it so clearly when I woke up this morning, still nestled in his arms.

Even after all the times we had sex this was new for us. I've never let myself fall asleep in his arms, always running at the first chance I had. I couldn't stand his tenderness towards me, I felt sick and I couldn't understand why he could be so nice to me after all that I did to him even after all that I did to him. I just wanted him to hate me like I hated myself. Maybe I've grown up, maybe I like myself a whole lot more now because this was so good, like Cherry Garcia good. This was special; I had never seen him asleep. He seemed at peace, a small smile lingering on his lips.

He looked like a kid, the line on his face softening as we lay next to each other, quietly for once. At that moment, that exact moment I know the whole of my love for him, finally. I placed a small kiss on his soft platinum hair, trying not to wake him as I got up.

I would be coming back to this; this was my goal, my reward. Apocalypse be damned, I would win this thing, I needed to if I wanted to get back to the warmth of his arms. He had given me this focus for my life; I owed him the world.

It's funny how simpler it is to be Buffy the vampire slayer than the human Buffy. Here I am leaving the only peace I've had for a good long while to go fight the Spawns of Hell.

I don't even think about the fight, I know I'm gonna win. Loosing is not even in the equation. I feel the adrenaline rush through my system, I feel the Slayer stir somewhere, she knows the fight is coming. Pain and tiredness melt away, leaving an electric-like sensation. Everything around me is sharper and clearer, more there. I can almost feel time slowing down, almost stopping. Everything I do is a series of small controlled movement. Everything is important.

I run through everything Spike told me about his meeting with the priest. I only feel a warm feeling when I think of him; nothing deeper goes through the wall surrounding my warrior inside. No thoughts to disturb me, only the strength of his love for me piercing through and giving me more power.

This is the final lesson I've learned in my slayerhood. There is no Buffy Cali girl; there is no Buffy the vampire slayer. There are no separate entities; I've always been both. Kendra was a slayer, so is Faith. They have no balance, they are the extremes. I am the Slayer, I'm still Buffy. I am what I am.

Maybe this is what Spike always understood about me. Because even though his demon is ever present he always had his human self in the equation. It might not be the original William; he might have toughened up at the contact of his demon counterpart. And maybe this is why Angelus is so different than Angel, and so is Faith. Balance, simple equilibrium.

And you know what? With all these deep thoughts I'm already back at the vineyard.

This is my normal life. I kill evil things that need killing. I fight the good fight day in, day out. And I win, it's what I do.

I woke up because there was something missing. Where she should have been, by my side, there was only a lingering trace of warmth on the sheets. She'd left. Again. It was hard not to be hurt by this.

It was still daylight, I couldn't follow. Whether she did it knowingly or not she had shut me out again. Even if I cry high and low that I don't wait for anything in return, I'm still a bloody romantic lying trough my teeth.

I lay a hand where she had let me hold her. Whatever I might feel this morning the memory of last night is burning bright in my mind and in my heart.

They had broken her, what Glory or even the First hadn't been able to do her best friends did with simple ease. I wanted to go back and smack them each and everyone. If I still had the chip I would have felt the pain right now. I didn't go back; they're not worth it. She needed me right now.

She said she didn't want to talk, yeah sure. She wouldn't talk but I would. She needed to be reassured, to be told that someone still believed in her, loved her and trusted her with his life. She didn't force me to leave because she knew that I would be by her side forever. I even made her smile and that smile was worth all my unlife.

So when she asked me to simply hold her, let me put it this way: if I had a happiness clause on my soul it would have gone bye-bye. And by the way this does not in anyway let me be near the same as Angelus, or Angel. I don't need the freaking soul to be nice to people. And I have nicer hair.

What's this? On the pillow, she left a note. Six words, something simple. But it will always mean the world to me.

Thank you,

I love you.

Buffy.