Arthur and Sue Ellen sat on the couch in the Read living room, holding hands and watching the adventures of Laura Cleft, Crypt Robber.

"Last time, on Laura Cleft," recounted the announcer, "the evil Lord Jerkwad tricked the superstitious natives of Guba Guba into worshipping him as a god."

On the screen, a sinister-looking Englishman wearing an archaeological outfit was flashing a remote control at a group of aborigines, who gazed at the blinking red light in reverent awe.

"When Laura arrived in Guba Guba in search of the last missing piece of the Mystic Medallion, she was immediately captured," the announcer continued.

Bound hand and foot, Laura Cleft was fastened to a stone table by screeching, frenzied natives. One of them, apparently their priest, wore a large feathery headdress and clutched a large dagger.

"As the natives prepared to sacrifice Laura to their idol, Lord Jerkwad fitted the final piece into the Mystic Medallion..."

The screen showed a golden, glowing medallion in the hands of the villanous Englishman, who laughed wickedly.

"...an ancient artifact with the power to release the long-imprisoned Malefacto, the most evil being in the universe!"

"This is so exciting!" exclaimed Arthur.

"I'm so glad you think so," said Sue Ellen, leaning her head on his shoulder.

On the TV screen, Lord Jerkwad inserted the Mystic Medallion into a carving in the cave wall. A rumbling sound was heard, distracting the natives and allowing Laura Cleft to rub the ropes binding her hands against a nearby sharp rock.

The stone wall of the cave rose up in front of Lord Jerkwad, revealing a fiery cavern. Jerkwad fell to his knees and raised his arms in a gesture of humility. "Oh, great one!" he cried, raising his eyes to the top of the cavern. "Make me ruler of Earth, and I will serve under thy hand!"

But all he saw was smouldering rocks. Then he lowered his eyes. He lowered them some more. Standing before him was what appeared to be a five-year-old girl wearing a jumper.

"Hey, that looks like D.W.," Arthur commented.

On the screen, Lord Jerkwad slowly lowered his arms, surprised to see a little girl instead of a horrific demon. "You're...Malefacto?" he said incredulously.

"Yes, I am," said the little girl with an evil grin. "Grovel before me, mortal."

Instead of groveling, Jerkwad rose to his feet and looked down at Malefacto with disdain. Laura, now free from her bonds, walked over to this side.

The little girl started to pout. "You're not groveling! Waaaaah!" She jumped up and down angrily, clenching her fists.

"That's D.W., all right," said Arthur. Sue Ellen giggled.

"I'll destroy you all for your impertinence!" threatened Malefacto, tears seeping from her eyes. "I'll reduce your planet to a heap of rubble! Stupid mortals! Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupid..."

Laura and Jerkwad looked at each other, both equally disappointed. The image on the TV screen turned into a Sarah Soda commercial.

Before Arthur or Sue Ellen could utter a word, D.W. hurried into the living room, clutching a sheet of paper. "Look what I made you, Arthur," she said excitedly.

Arthur took the paper from her hand. On it she had made a crayon drawing of Arthur and Sue Ellen kissing, surrounded by hearts and flowers.

"Oh, that's so sweet!" Sue Ellen gushed.

"I like it," said Arthur. "That's really good, D.W."

"Thanks, big brother," said D.W., and then she scurried off to play.

"You know," said Arthur to Sue Ellen, "that girl on the show isn't like D.W. at all."

Sue Ellen laid D.W.'s drawing on the arm of the couch. "This would be a good time to ask your parents something," she said.

"What?"

"Well, Nigel's not coming with Carla and me to Botswana anymore, so we have an extra plane ticket..."

"You mean..." Arthur's face lit up.

In the kitchen, Mrs. Read was placing silverware in the dishwasher while Mr. Read was preparing a batch of cupcakes. Arthur and Sue Ellen hurried into the room, looking excited.

"Mom, Dad, can I go to Africa with Sue Ellen and Carla?" Arthur asked loudly.

Mr. Read nearly dropped his cupcake pan.

"Africa?" cried Arthur's parents in unison.

"You mean...the Land Down Under?" said Mr. Read.

"That's Australia," Sue Ellen corrected him.

"When?" asked Mrs. Read.

"The Thanksgiving holiday," Arthur replied.

Mrs. Read rose to her feet and looked at her husband.

"Well?" said Arthur impatiently.

Mrs. Read turned and faced Arthur. "We'll have to discuss this."

At that moment D.W. raced into the kitchen. "Can I go to Africa, too?" she asked.

"You're too young," Mr. Read told her.

"No, I'm not," said D.W. stubbornly. "When Sue Ellen was my age, she got to go everywhere."

"That's different," said Mrs. Read. "She was with her parents."

"But I wanna go to Africa," D.W. insisted. "I wanna see the elephants, and the giraffes, and the tigers, and the kangaroos."

"Kangaroos are from Australia," Sue Ellen corrected her.

"Oh, yeah," said D.W. "When I come back from Africa, can I go to Australia and see the kangaroos?"

"You saw all those animals when you went to the zoo," said Mr. Read to D.W.

"You're not going to Africa," said Mrs. Read firmly. "As for Arthur, we'll talk about it later."

"Please say yes, Mrs. Read," Sue Ellen urged her. "Don't make me travel to the Dark Continent without the boy I love."

"I said, we'll talk about it later," said Mrs. Read as she pulled a box of dishwasher detergent from the cupboard. "Now go watch your show."

Arthur, Sue Ellen, and D.W. slowly filed out of the kitchen.

Mr. Read continued to pour batter into the cupcake pan. "It's a crazy idea," he remarked. "He'll be halfway over the Atlantic Ocean and he'll start crying to come home."

"Carla's a very competent nanny," Mrs. Read noted. "Arthur would be in good hands. Plus he'd be out of ours for the whole holiday."

Mr. Read smiled. "Now you're talking."

On the TV screen, Laura frantically pored over a sophisticated control panel, looking for a means to disarm a doomsday bomb before it could detonate and destroy the world. With five seconds remaining on the clock, she punched a button labeled CLIFFHANGER. The words TO BE CONTINUED appeared on the screen.

"Another cliffhanger," said Arthur. "All the episodes on this show are cliffhangers."

"Even the Christmas episode," said Sue Ellen.

The two snuggled wordlessly for a few happy moments. Then Arthur spoke.

"You know, if Carla cares so much about Ratburn's sister, she ought to do something to help her."

"She did," Sue Ellen replied. "We both did."

"What?" asked Arthur curiously.

"Well, Carla's not really responsible for Angela, since she broke up with Nigel. But we put our heads together, and we thought of somebody who might take Angela in. Somebody who might be sympathetic."

"Who?"

----

Muffy walked slowly down the drab hallway of the apartment building. Arriving at a door with the number 36 on it, she reached for the doorbell, then hesitated. "A Crosswire shouldn't have to resort to such desperate measures," she said to herself. "I guess I'm just not fit to be a Crosswire."

She finally forced herself to ring the doorbell. "Come in," she heard a woman's voice say from within.

Opening the door, Muffy glanced around the lonely apartment. The countertops were clean and bare, the carpet uncluttered, the walls lined with movie posters. In a recliner at the back of the living room sat a thirty-something polar bear woman with a book in her lap. She was Jean Stiles, former aspiring Hollywood starlet, fourth-grade teacher, and rehab patient.

"Muffy!" Mrs. Stiles' face brightened when she saw her one-time student.

"Hi, Mrs. Stiles," said Muffy in a dreary voice, as if she was less than pleased about being in the woman's presence.

Leaping from her chair, Mrs. Stiles hurried across the living room and crouched on her knees in front of Muffy. "I'm so happy to see you," she said sweetly. "I thought you'd never come back after you learned the truth about me."

"So did I," said Muffy. "But times have changed. I'm ashamed to say it, but...I need your help."

Rising to her feet, Mrs. Stiles put an arm around Muffy's shoulders and led her to the couch, where they both sat down. "I'd be glad to help you, Muffy," she said kindly.

The door to the bedroom was open, and Muffy noticed a large suitcase lying open on the bedroom floor, with various articles of women's clothing hanging out of it. "Whose suitcase is that?" she asked.

"Oh, that belongs to my new roommate," Mrs. Stiles replied.

Before Muffy had a chance to ask another question, the bathroom door opened and a rat woman, dressed in a green robe, emerged. Her hair was wet and tangled, and she was applying a brush to it.

Muffy gasped and pointed at the woman. "You're...you're..."

"Oh, it's the Crosswire brat," the rat woman muttered.

"Pardon the terrible pun, Angela," said Mrs. Stiles, "but you look like a drowned rat."

"Angela!" Muffy recognized the name with unease. "Mr. Ratburn's twin sister!"

"My new roommate," Mrs. Stiles added.

Muffy turned to her with a look of indignation. "You can't be serious! Don't you know what kind of woman she is? If half of what Mr. Ratburn says about her is true..."

Mrs. Stiles smiled knowingly. "Well, now, Muffy, everything they say about me is true, and that didn't stop you from coming to visit me."

Angela crossed the room and extended a hand toward Muffy, who backed away with disgust. "Don't worry, Muffy," said Mrs. Stiles. "She doesn't carry plague."

"When I called you a brat, I meant it in the best possible way," said Angela.

Reluctantly, Muffy put out her hand and shook Angela's.

----

"No way," said Arthur unbelievingly.

"Yes way," Sue Ellen responded. "They both have checkered pasts. They'll get along fine."

Their conversation was interrupted when Arthur's parents came into the living room, sporting friendly smiles. Arthur and Sue Ellen looked at them hopefully, realizing what this might portend.

"We talked it over, Arthur," said Mrs. Read.

"If you don't mind missing Thanksgiving with us..." Mr. Read began.

"...and if your head gets better by then..." Mrs. Read added.

"...then you can go to Africa," Mr. Read concluded.

Smiling and squealing with delight, Arthur and Sue Ellen exchanged high-fives and then embraced each other.

"But you have to promise, no hanky-panky while you're there," said Mrs. Read.

"Sure, Mom," said Arthur, his voice muffled by Sue Ellen's hair puff. "What's hanky-panky?"

"Well, you know," said Mrs. Read hesitantly, "the birds and the bees, and all that."

Arthur pulled away from Sue Ellen. "Mom, it's called sex."

Mrs. Read went pale with shock. Sue Ellen giggled. Mr. Read glanced around the house as if to make sure that D.W. hadn't been listening.

That was when he noticed something missing. "Where's D.W.?" he asked.

D.W. was standing on her tiptoes, straining to reach the doorbell at the Powers residence. After she finally managed to ring it, the door was opened by Alan.

"D.W.?" said the surprised boy. "What are you doing here by yourself?"

"Hi, Alan," said D.W., smiling and holding her hands behind her back. "I just wanted to ask you a question, since you're such a smart boy, and so nice, too."

"Uh...come in." Alan allowed D.W. to enter. As the girl wandered about the house, she continued to smile seductively at Alan.

"Alan, have you ever been to Africa?" she asked him.

"No," replied Alan, looking a bit taken aback at the question.

"What about Australia?"

"No. I haven't been to any other countries. Except for Canada once."

"Arthur's going to Africa with Sue Ellen," said D.W.

"Really?" Alan's eyes widened with interest.

D.W. climbed onto a chair and stood on it, still facing Alan. "That's because she's his giiiirlfriend," she said, drawing out the last word until she ran out of breath.

Alan walked over to the chair that D.W. was standing on, and found that her eyes were now even with his.

"Your ancestors came from Africa, right?" asked D.W., sounding as if she was impressed with her own knowledge.

"Yeah," said Alan, "but what's that got to..."

"So some day you'll go back to Africa to visit your ancestors, right?"

Alan rubbed his chin, puzzled.

D.W. placed her hands on Alan's shoulders and leaned forward. "When you go to Africa, can I go with you? Can I be your girlfriend?"

Alan started to sweat profusely. He backed away a few steps. D.W. tipped over and started to fall from the chair, but Alan caught her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and laid her head on his chest, smiling contendedly.

"You're such a nice boy," she purred. "And smart, too."

The increasingly nervous Alan carried D.W. to the front door, opened it, and passed through. Setting her down on the front step, he said, "I'll let you know when I go to Africa."

"Thanks, Alan," said D.W. "You cutie."

Alan hurried inside the house, closed the door, and wiped his brow with his wrist. "That was weird," he mumbled.

Returning to his bedroom, he sat down at his desk to double-check his math homework answers.

A few moments later, the most dreadful, horrible, unspeakable idea that had ever entered his head...entered his head. His eyes bulged. His jaw dropped halfway to the floor.

Struggling to compose himself, he rushed out of the bedroom and to the phone. Picking up the receiver, he quickly dialed the hotel number that Jason had left him.

Alan heard several dial tones. His temples throbbed.

"Hello?" It was Jason's voice.

"This is Alan. I've got a question for you, and I want you to answer it truthfully."

"Go ahead," said Jason.

Alan paused for a moment, trying to convince himself that he didn't really want to hear the answer.

Then he went ahead with it.

"Is D.W. your mother?"

(To be continued...)