Sunday, December 28th, 200X
Aoyama Public Baths
Ichiguro 17-24, Tokyo
10:00 AM
Taishi Kuhonbutsu was never one to neglect his health and well-being. His morning run happened seven days a week, every day, in rain or snow. On school days, he was up at 6 AM; his weekends allowed him a more leisurely 8:30 wakeup.
An hour's run brought all his sweat to the surface, and his stop at the public baths afterwards gave him the time to wash off and have a hot soak to loosen his awakened muscles.
Today, though, it gave him time to think as he sunk into the dark blue marble of the men's section of the baths.
Last night... I walked her to her station, she hugged me again, and went off.
This is Aya we're talking about. Aya Hasebe. Quiet, calm Aya. Aya who never says an unsolicited word. Aya whose creativity is masterful and gentle.
Aya who had me close my eyes so she could hug me... was she worried that I'd push her away? Did she have some motive in trying to shock me? No, she couldn't have been. But maybe she just didn't want me to be too surprised.
The meaning of it... to suddenly hug me, but then...
Saturday, December 27th, 200X
Akihabara Station, Isanko Line entrance
11:28 PM
The rest of their walk had been slightly more animated. Taishi played the classical gentleman, his ungloved hands in his pockets, all the better for Aya, playing the classical lady of grace and refinement, to loop one hand into the crook of his arm.
"But you still act that way," Aya pointed out in the midst of their conversation. "Even to the people you care about, you really do act like a member of Rage Against the Machine."
"It just suits me, really," Taishi said, looking down and grinning. "I read too many books that I shouldn't have when I was younger. I thought, 'why don't people really get inspired when they hear charismatic leaders speak?' People like Lenin, Country Joe and the Fish, and Martin Luther King stirred millions to action with well-delivered words from the points of view that they believed in. I mean, doesn't that just deliver testament to believing in something?" Taishi asked rhetorically, looking up at the stars.
"It does," Aya said, nodding gently. "But there are so many causes. There are too many things to believe in, too many things to cast your lot into... wouldn't it just be easier to believe in what there is, rather than a goal or driving force?"
Taishi shrugged. "I always wanted to get someplace..." he said reminiscently. "Anyone can study hard and do well in school, anyone can work out and get in shape. After I did these, I wanted more... I wanted the challenges, I wanted something to fight for. I got dojinshi, and now look at Kazuki... well, that is, Kazuki got dojinshi," he corrected.
"But just keep in mind, Taishi-kun, that victory in one goal inevitably means defeat for another," Aya pointed out. "You can easily succeed in motivating Kazuki to dojinshi, but what else does that do in the interim?"
"Quite the philosopher," Taishi said by means of an answer. "'I found that just surviving was a noble fight,' to quote another great mind."
"Something like that," Aya responded, squeezing Taishi's upper arm gently. "When was the last time you did something for yourself, Taishi-kun?"
"The last time I did something for myself?" Taishi asked, searching his mind. "Um... would it count if I said that human beings only do things for themselves and their own interests?" he grinned weakly at his attempt to invoke Ayn Rand.
"Taishi-kun, one of these days, enjoy something because you want it," Aya suggested. "Don't do it for any reason, to advance any goal, don't do it because you have to. Do it because you want to, because you like to. Besides the whole pursuit of dojinshi, what makes you tick? What makes Taishi-kun Taishi-kun?"
"Aya-chan, that's a very, very good question..." Taishi said musingly, pausing in mid-stride and rubbing his chin in thought, evoking the famous Thinker statue. "That is truly a good question."
"You should find that out," she said, letting go of his arm and folding her hands low on her abdomen. "I know there's more to you than dojinshi, and once you find out who you are and what you enjoy, think of how much you won't feel the need to fight anymore."
"How very Buddhist," Taishi noted observantly. "I didn't know you were into that sort of thing."
"It helps me put the world into perspective a little," Aya admitted shyly, as if confessing to having spilled milk. "I don't really practice much, but it does help..."
"Nothing to be ashamed of," Taishi said, holding up his hands, smiling. "Technically speaking, my family and I are all Christians, but we haven't seen the inside of a church in years, not since my baptism. That, too, helps piece things together, even though we still go to Shinto shrines most of the time."
"It's better than Aum Shinrikyo, I'm sure," Aya remarked with a smile. "Oh... this is my station," she said as they came up on the Isanko entrance of the huge Akihabara underground stop.
"You... will you be coming to the shrine with us on New Year's?" Taishi asked, shifting his weight a little to his right leg.
"Of course," Aya said, blushing. "It wouldn't be New Year's without a shrine visit."
"Well, I'll see you there," Taishi said with a smile.
What does she look like in a kimono?
"Taishi-kun, I know that I might not be able to help you with Inagawa-san. I still don't think that I really have any superior grasp on emotions and the way we feel about people we care about, but I-"
Taishi held up a hand and shook his head. "Aya-chan, you still don't know y-"
Aya gently placed two fingers over Taishi's mouth. "I... I like not having a solid grasp on emotions, Taishi-kun," she said, looking slightly away from his curious eyes. "To not have a grasp means that... it means that they're still something to be felt, rather than analyzed. I may be naïve, but... but this is what works best for me."
I wish I could feel it, too...
Taishi took Aya's slight, feminine hand in his ungloved hands, squeezing hers gently. "I understand, Aya-chan. Believe me, I understand."
Aya made no move to withdraw her hand. "You know... Taishi-kun, you don't have to treat me any differently because of all this..."
Taishi shook his head. "No, no, I'm not doing this because I have to, I'm doing this because I want to."
The words came out of his mouth before he realized it. From a chance encounter to holding her hand in front of her station, Taishi had suddenly admitted that he was no longer in Aya Hasebe's company by the obligation of a good Japanese person, following social credo and cultural mores laid down since Confucius, but because he, Taishi Kuhonbutsu, a man of seventeen years, wanted to be with Aya Hasebe, a woman of the same age.
I feel the same way towards her as I do towards Yuu... what does that mean?
"I am," Taishi said, squeezing Aya's hand gently, "here with you because I want to be here with you."
Aya blushed heavily. "I really should be going..."
"Can I call you sometime?"
Aya freed her hand from Taishi's, reached into her purse, and wrote down a series of numbers on a scrap of paper, a receipt from the Copic outlet store in Shinjuku. "My mobile number," she said shyly, folding the paper up and placing it in Taishi's hand. "This is the first time I've given it out to anyone."
"I won't lose it," Taishi promised as Aya gently pressed the paper into his hand.
"Thank you for tonight, Taishi-kun."
"I should be the one thanking you, Aya-chan."
They both blushed, warming the air around their cheeks slightly. Ever formal, Aya bowed slightly, her hands gently clasped in front of her, and smiled shyly at Taishi. She stepped forward, hugged Taishi again, and smiling at him all the way, she got on the escalator leading down into the JR subway station. In a moment's time, she was out of sight.
Sunday, December 28th, 200X
Aoyama Public Baths
Ichiguro 17-24, Tokyo
10:15 AM
Taishi languished for another moment in the memories of last night. The feel of her hands, her embrace... they stirred up feelings of tingles in the small of his back, like a warm electrical shock flowing outwards from his heart. He held up one of those hands, just looking at it, flexing his fingers, forming a fist, and then just holding his hand palm upward above the steaming water of the public bath.
I should feel worried, he thought. Worried that I feel like this towards someone other than Yuu. Is it right to care about someone else when the person you initially cared about rejects you? Is it right for my feelings to change? Is it fair to either Yuu or Aya?
Taishi sunk the lower half of his face below the surface of the water, blowing bubbles out of his mouth idly.
How do I deal with this? Who do I ask? Last night, I didn't know what to do with a girl I liked, and this morning, I'm in the same spot.
Taishi finished his soak, stepped out of the bath, and headed for the locker room. He changed back into his track pants and Asahi Sakurai Fan Club T-shirt, stiff from the sweat of many morning runs, and did a last quick set of stretches before he walked out into the cold winter morning. He was back at his house in a few minutes' of brisk walking, and he changed into his normal white turtleneck and brown suit. Grooming his hunter-green hair into its normal part, he looked at himself in the mirror.
"The choice is the question itself, comrade," Taishi said to his reflection. "Will you give in to the most honest sentiment, to your original choice, and still keep trying to find a way to court Yuu? Or will you give in to feelings that are mutual and start dating Aya? Discard all dating sims, all dojinshi, all anime, and make your own choice. Comrade Taishi!" he exclaimed, pointing at himself, eyes burning like normal. "What will you decide!"
A knock on the door to his room stirred Taishi out of his existentialism. He adjusted his glasses, made sure his lapels were aligned and folded down properly, and adopted his normal imperious voice. "Come in, comrade."
The door opened, revealing the familiar dark hair and eyes of Kazuki Sendo. "Taishi!" Kazuki exclaimed. "Way to disappear on me last night. I thought you wanted to leech off of my copy of .hack volume 1?"
"Ah, comrade Kazuki," Taishi said with a grin, adjusting his glasses and placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "The pulls of fate are even stronger than those of the pull of gravity; indeed, destiny accelerates at a rate even greater than 9.8 meters a second."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Kazuki asked quizzically.
"I am talking about the onward progress of the dojinship!" Taishi exclaimed, planting his sock-clad foot on his desk chair and crossing his arms. "The winter Comic Party is over, and we have precious little time before the blooming cherry blossoms signify the onset of the spring ComiPa!"
"No way, NO WAY." Kazuki waved his arms in front of him. "Before Comic Party, those three days of my life were one giant stretch of storyboards, layouts, scripting, drawing, copying, folding, stapling, boxing, carrying, selling, change-making, autographing, celebrating, drinking, eating, more drinking, and sleeping. Sleeping for fourteen hours straight."
"But comrade, it was but the next step in our glorious world conquest!" Taishi said sinisterly, swooping behind Kazuki and clasping both his shoulders. "Does it not excite you to have moved forward in such a manner?!"
"Forward, schmorward," Kazuki said with a sigh, reaching into the J-bag he wore on his back. "Anyway, I brought my PS2 if you want to bust the game out..."
Taishi had already turned his TV around, unplugged his aging Dreamcast, and pulled out two floor chairs for them. "Bust it out, comrade Kazuki, for co-op mode summons us!"
Seven dungeon levels later...
"And that, my brother, is the ways and means that your dojinshi shall move forward in all genres and encompass the market at the next ComiPa."
"Taishi, that's all well and good, but could you please heal me already!"
"Oh, my apologies, comrade Kazuki." Taishi picked up his controller and quickly selected a healing spell for their small party.
"You don't ever take a break, do you, Taishi?" Kazuki said, eyes still stuck on the game.
"Life is a 24-7 game with no pause button, my brother," Taishi commented. "The affairs of our lives must be addressed, and sometimes, breaks are never an option."
I definitely needed this.
"Taishi, can I ask you something?"
"But of course, my brother."
"Do you think I should ask Mizuki out?"
"Comrade, I just told you life is a game with no pause button, correct?"
"Yeah..."
"Fortunately, .hack is not life." Taishi paused the game and turned his chair to face his friend. "So, it is comrade Takase that you wish to ask out... our dear sister Mizuki, yes?"
"Well, it's just that after the first Comic Party, the way she really stuck by me, the way she stayed with me through all the phases I went through... it just made me... I dunno..."
"... see her differently?" Taishi finished for his friend.
"Yeah, it's like she's not really Mizuki anymore, but... well... not really Mizuki. You know what I mean?"
I wonder what Kazuki would do...
"Let me ask you this, my brother. What do you feel should be done?"
"Well... I don't know..." Kazuki said, turning his chair to face Taishi and propping his chin on his knee. "I mean, it's Mizuki. She knows me even better than you do, same for me with her. We've known each other for so long, we've built a real close bond. I never saw her as more than a friend... but lately, I've thought of having something more, maybe."
Taishi nodded. "Have you ever felt this way towards other girls?"
Kazuki shook his head. "I've had my share of crushes, but I'm no ladies' man. I mean, I don't think I have to be with someone to be happy, but... well... it's never happened for me before. We're going to try to stay in the same college, at least, but... maybe it might not be a good idea, maybe we could mess it all up and never speak to each other again."
Taishi nodded. "It is indeed a matter of choices... to stick with what you know, to be safe, or to chase after a goal... as attainable or unattainable as it may be."
"Unattainable?" Kazuki asked. "You think she might not be interested?"
"I wouldn't know for certain, my brother," Taishi admitted. "But it is worth saying that she has been there for you for many things. It's safe to assume she probably wouldn't cease to speak to you after all that the two of you have gone through together. Especially with dojinshi."
"Yeah, you're right. She made some real leaps for my sake, didn't she?"
"My brother, to put up with you when you are in an emo state is a supreme act of love."
"Shut up," Kazuki exclaimed with a grin, punching Taishi in the arm.
"No need for violence, comrade, I have your best interests and executions in mind," Taishi said, rubbing the point of impact gingerly.
"Did you... did you go through this with Yuu at all?"
"With Yuu?" Taishi asked. "What do you mean?"
"You know, going out with Inagawa-san."
"Going out with her?" Taishi asked, tilting his head. "I didn't know we were going out..."
"Oh, you weren't? Sorry, it's just... well, you two were always conspiring together, always working together to get me around to what I needed to do. I thought you were more than just friends."
"I should be so lucky, my brother," Taishi lamented. "Such is the way that the dojinship shapes all our fates."
"Aw, c'mon, Taishi, I'm sure you and Yuu would make a good couple."
"I'm sure we would indeed, comrade. After all, we have so much in common and get along so well," Taishi said dryly.
"So why not ask her out?"
"I did."
Taishi recounted his story to Kazuki. He talked about pastries and a failed confession with Yuu, about coffee and a realization with Aya, the walk home... everything except for what had gone through his mind, his current raging self-doubt, his guilt for changing his affections...
"She hugged me, and then she left," Taishi finished. "Here I am now."
Kazuki whistled in amazement. "Wow, that's quite the twist ending," he remarked. "Quiet, polite Aya opening up like that... I guess there's more to her than meets the eye."
"There really is, isn't there?" Taishi asked rhetorically, sighing deeply. "Here I am, feeling one way towards one girl and almost, but not quite, the same towards the other. Is it really right for me to even feel that way? Is it fair to Yuu? Is it fair to Aya?"
"I wish I could tell you, Taishi," Kazuki said sadly. "I really don't know much, but is it really possible for people to control the way they feel?"
"A good point."
"Do you still feel the same way for Yuu?"
"I think that part of me always will," Taishi responded, reaching into his suit coat pocket. It still contained Aya's folded-up phone number, and he unfolded it gently. "But... more and more, I think about what it would be like with Aya. Going on dates with her. Holding hands with her. Just being with her... I have no idea what to envision, no idea how to think about it... but I thought the same things about Yuu. I had the same confusion about Yuu."
"But Yuu is clearly not interested, right?"
"Clearly."
"Then what's the issue?" Kazuki asked with a shrug.
"The issue is I'm shifting so quickly from one woman to another!" Taishi exclaimed, banging his forehead into his hands. "I don't want to be like that. I don't want to jump from human being to human being until I find the right one... I may be idealistic, Kazuki, but I don't want to be a player!"
"But Aya did just that, though, didn't she?" Kazuki asked quietly. "She moved on..."
Taishi froze. "She did..." he said in a low voice. "With Takashi..."
"Look at her now, Taishi. I mean, I'm sure it's nice if you find the person you want to be with and stay with them for as long as you live, but you can either keep waiting for that to happen and it may or may not happen, or you can enjoy what you can and learn more about someone. That way, you end up learning more about yourself."
"Taishi-kun, one of these days, enjoy something because you want it. Don't do it for any reason, to advance any goal, don't do it because you have to. Do it because you want to, because you like to. Besides the whole pursuit of dojinshi, what makes you tick? What makes Taishi-kun Taishi-kun?"
Kazuki slowly looked up at his old friend. Slowly, a smile spread across his face, and he nodded once. "So I should... I should enjoy what I can because I want to enjoy it, is that it?" he asked brightly, the connection starting to crystallize in his mind.
If I like someone... I should be with them. If I can't... why languish?
"'Be happy while you're living, for you're dead a long time,'" Kazuki observed philosophically. "I saw that in a Love Hina manga once."
Taishi looked down at Aya's phone number in his hand. "So... when should I call her?" he asked.
"Making her wait?" Kazuki teased. "You just said you didn't want to be a player."
"Of course I don't want to be a player, my brother!" Taishi exclaimed, back to normal, picking up his controller and unpausing the game. "I just want to be a gentleman."
"Yeah, right, Taishi," Kazuki teased, picking up his controller. "You're just nervous."
"And you're just going to have to face that Red Dragon without your party healer," Taishi teased back. "I do have comrade Mizuki's number already if you want to call her for some reason..."
"All right, all right, I get the picture!" Kazuki exclaimed. "Now get in here and heal me already!"
To be concluded...
