Chapter 4
Summary: Ken's trying to dodge talking to Aya. He came home drunk last night and asked Aya to give him a bedtime kiss… which Aya did! Now it's the morning after – what's going to happen?
27.08.04 - Hugs to nitrogen narcosis, Kirei Aya, Wai (drunk Ken was fun to write!), Rosetears2218 and Don'twatchanimealot! Hope you will all enjoy this chapter too!
Now onto the action…
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I hesitate at the door to the Koneko. It's a bright sunny day and I'm working the lunch shift with Yohji and… Aya.
Ah… There's the source of my current uncertainty.
I kissed Aya yesterday. And the most interesting thing happened. He kissed me back.
It's something I would never have guessed would happen. Nope, never in a million years. Aya Fujimiya, fearless leader of Weiss. Aya, icy cold bastard who doesn't give a shit about anything but money. Could it be possible that under the icy layer, Aya might possibly have feelings… for me? I've analysed his parting comment over and over again.
I'm so confused. What do I feel for Aya? Admittedly I've always been hot for the redhead. He's fucking gorgeous. But wanting to fuck somebody is just a physical activity. It could be with anybody that I pick up from the club. It's just a form of stress relief, a very pleasurable form admittedly.
Do I only want his body? If it is, I should be smart enough not to get involved with my co-worker. Why am I even considering the alternative?
I am barely coping with living for myself. This growing emptiness inside of me, how can I fight it? With each person I kill, another piece of my soul dies. How many pieces do I have left to lose?
I don't even know how many people I've killed. I used to keep track of it when I started in Weiss, but after I hit over one hundred I stopped counting. It's better for my sanity that way.
But the alternative is so… damn seductive. Imagine having someone there to love and to be loved by in return. Someone to be with so I won't be alone anymore. Yeah, I know my mind is getting ahead of itself and I don't know what Aya really feels for me, but I've been alone for so long now. Was it this faint hope keeping me from doing something stupid to myself?
Whilst it sounds like nirvana, it's also scary as hell. The only person I've ever loved was Kase. I'm nervous to even venture down that path again. My heart aches from even thinking about my dead lover, killed by my own hands. I don't want to go through that much pain ever again. It wasn't just the physical pain from the fire, the emotional scars will never fade.
But is Aya the person that I want to take a chance on? What have we got in common apart from Weiss?
On another note, what if it doesn't work? Will it make working in Weiss difficult? I don't have anywhere else to go. I don't want to be separated from Yohji and Omi.
Suddenly it seems too high a risk for me to take.
Yep, the smart thing would be just to pretend that it never happened. I'll pretend that I can't remember anything. I can go out tonight, pick up some redhead and pretend he's Aya. That'll be enough for me. It'll have to be enough…
Why do I feel so depressed? I know I'm doing the right thing.
All this thinking and on top of that I have a hideous headache. I should have drunk some water when I got home, but no, I was distracted. Stupid Ken, thinking with your pants, not your head, I tell myself. And I can't find the aspirin in the kitchen, so I'm in a cranky mood. Nobody better mess with me today.
I open the door and step into the shopfront. Yohji is chatting to a girl and Aya is watering some plants.
Aya looks up as I enter. I smile uncertainly at him as I blink annoyingly at the sunlight streaming through the large windows. It's too damn bright for my poor sore head.
Aya puts down the watering can and walks towards me. My lips seem to be stuck together. I hadn't envisaged a confrontation so soon. My head hurts too much for this… I'm frantically thinking of what to say.
The redhead walks around me and departs the room. I'm left staring blankly at his back.
What was that all about? Maybe it was just a dream? But I know it wasn't a dream. The stand of red hair that I found on my pillow this morning proved it.
Suddenly I feel cold. Aya must be regretting his actions from last night. There was no need for me to have gotten myself so worked up about it. I want to laugh at myself, at how stupid I am to think that Aya would ever want anything to do with me.
"Yohji. I'm going out for coffee. You want anything?" I'm at the door, looking over my shoulder impatiently for Yohji's reply.
"Nope. Got everything I want with Yui-chan here."
I slam the door on Yui's laughter. I'm not happy and I don't want to be reminded of another person's happiness.
I enter the coffee shop and order a large cup. I was going to buy it and return to the store, but I change my mind and decide that I'm going to play truant for the morning. I sit at the booth at the back, sipping the bitter brew as I ponder the bitter brew that is my life.
I sigh heavily. Ken no baka, I scold myself.
I'm brought back to my senses by the excited squeals of two kids. It's Eito and Takeshi, two of the kids I coach.
"Ken-nichan! What are you doing here?"
They bounce over to my table. They're so young and innocent. Full of life and joy. Takeshi is holding a soccer ball. Ah, these kids make me so proud.
"Eww! What are you drinking?" Eito is looking in the cup in front of me.
"Hey guys. I'm on a break from work." I smile at them. "What are you doing here?"
"My mum's over there. But Eito saw you so we came over!" Takeshi says pointing at his mother at the counter.
"I've been practicing my kicking, Ken-nichan, and I'm gonna be the best when we practice today!" Eito says earnestly to me.
"Hey, I'm gonna be the best!" Takeshi exclaims loudly, pushing his friend in the side.
I laugh. "Maa maa, I'm sure you'll both be the best today. Like I always say, if you practice enough, you can be the best."
"I practice all the time, even when I'm at home. But don't tell my mum 'cause she said I'm not allowed to play with the soccer ball in the house." Eito smiles innocently up at me and I'm reminded of myself. I was always practicing whenever I could when I was their age.
"Let's ask my mum if we can go to the park now!" Takeshi says as he sees his mother waving at him.
"We gotta go now. See you later Ken-nichan!"
They run off, two kids bubbling with happiness over soccer.
And I realise that I have contributed to their happiness. Me, assassin Ken Hidaka, has had a positive influence on the world.
My mood lifts and I feel I can face the world again today. This is what I can remember when I feel down. I survive for these kids and soccer.
I sip my coffee but it has gone cold while I've been sitting here deliberating on my life. It's time for me to be heading back now anyway.
Just behave normally, I tell myself as I open the door to the Koneko.
"Hey Ken. Where have you been?" Only Yohji is in the store. He's changing the position of some arrangements to move them out of the sun.
"I just went to get coffee." I say weakly.
"You were gone for an hour and a half to get coffee?" Yohji looks over his sunglasses at me.
"Yeah. Sorry." I mumble as I head over to get my apron.
I see a plate with a sandwich, a glass of water and a box of aspirin on the table. I look inquiringly at Yohji as a sinking feeling begins in my stomach.
"What's this?"
"Aya brought that in for you but you'd already left. He said you had a headache." I ignore the speculative look in Yohji's eyes as I pull my apron over my head.
"But how did he know you had a headache, hmm… Kenken? And he's damn well never makes me a snack when I'm not feeling well. No, Aya usually tells me it's all my own fault and either yells at me to get back to work or ignores me." Yohji continues.
"He was up when I came home last night, that's all." I say, but I can feel the tips of my ears being to flush under Yohji's scrutiny. Good thing I haven't cut my hair for a while.
"Okay and you wanna explain about the sandwich?" Yohji looks amused.
"Where's Aya anyway?" I change the subject, hoping that Yohji will follow my lead.
"He went to do a delivery across town. It should take a while with the lunchtime traffic. Don't try to change the topic Kenken."
"I wasn't changing the topic. I was just asking a question." I give Yohji a dumb jock look. Maybe that will shut him up for a while.
"Sure, you think I can't spot an evasive answer? I was a PI, remember?"
I'm saved by the door opening by a bunch of schoolgirls.
"Yohji-san! Ken-san! Konnichiwa!"
I don't think I've ever been so relieved to see a bunch of girls in the Koneko.
Yohji chuckles. "Saved… for now." He saunters away to tend to his adoring fans.
I turn back to the girls clambering for my attention. "Can you wait for one moment please?"
I grab the plate and eat the sandwich in four bites then quickly take the aspirin. I know these girls will make my headache feel worse before they leave. And I don't want Aya to come back and think I didn't eat the sandwich he made me.
I can't believe Aya made me a snack and found the aspirin for me. But I have no time to wonder about this now.
"Ken-san, are you sick?"
"Ken-san, what's wrong with you?"
"You should go to see a doctor Ken-san!"
"Aa, I'm fine. Now how can I help you?" I smile politely at the girl closet to me.
After an indeterminable amount of time, the girls are served and leave. I sigh happily as the bell tinkles behind the last of them.
"So you wanna tell me about it yet Kenken?" drawls Yohji.
"There's nothing to tell!" I exclaim hotly.
"I've seen the way you look at Aya. And I've seen the way Aya looks at you." Yohji shrugs casually.
"And how is that?" I exclaim sarcastically. Inside my heart is beating just a little bit faster. Could Yohji have discovered my secret desire for Aya? But I've only just worked it out for myself that I want more than just his body. There's no way Yohji could know that.
I force myself to look Yohji in the eye without flinching.
"You guys look at each other in much the same way that Asuka and I did, before we got together." Yohji states matter-of-factly.
Oh. Asuka was the love of Yohji's life. His former partner in the PI business. She was killed and Yohji was left for dead. Kritiker saved him and he was brought to Weiss. Yohji told me the story once when we were out getting really drunk together. He's never mentioned it again and I've never brought up the topic.
I remain speechless. What can I say? Could it be true?
Yohji sighs. "Look I didn't mean to put you on the spot and make you feel uncomfortable. I just wanted to tell you that if there's a chance you can be happy with Aya then you should go for it. In our line of work, you need something to hold onto if you're going to survive." He looks over his sunglasses at me and his green eyes look tired.
I realise that I'm not the only person to have regrets about killing. Actually it's stupid for me to think I was.
"Thanks man. I appreciate that, but I don't know if what you say is true. Haven't you always said fearless leader's a cold icicle? What makes you think he cares about anything other than money?"
"I've been observing you guys for a while. And today's incident clinched it. I saw the disappointed look in his eyes when you disappeared before he came back. Oh, he tried to disguise it but he wasn't quite quick enough. Not for the Kudou anyway."
Yohji's revelation reverberates in my head. Aya was disappointed that I ran off?
The door to the shop opens and a middle aged woman enters.
"Irrashaimase!" we call in unison.
"All yours buddy." I wave an arm at Yohji.
"Well you better do those orders on the table then."
I grab the notebook with orders and sigh. This will keep me busy for a few hours. I settle down to work.
I wonder when Aya will come back.
When the shop is empty again, I ask "Where's Aya? Shouldn't he be back by now?"
"Ah, he mentioned he had to do something after the delivery and he would be back later. Didn't specify a time. Why? Missing him already?"
I foresee a period of teasing from Yohji. I'm not looking forward to it. So I ignore him and concentrate on the work in front of me.
When I'm finishing up, I catch a glimpse of the clock. "What! Look at the time. I gotta go to soccer training now. I should be back around six. See ya Yotan."
I'm actually early for coaching, but I just had to get away from Yohji. The man is too damn perceptive. He's right about me, but can I believe what he says about Aya?
My afternoon passes in my most favourite way. Soccer and kids. I truly love them.
It's around six when I get back home.
Omi and Aya are now manning the store. Omi gives me his usual genki greeting. Aya ignores me. Oh well, what did I expect?
I walk over to Aya. "Umm… Aya… Can I talk to you for a minute?"
He looks at me but his eyes are unreadable. "I'm busy."
"It'll just take a minute."
Finally Aya nods.
"In the kitchen?" I don't want to say anything in front of Omi.
Aya nods again and gestures for me to precede him out of the room.
When we get there, I'm still uncertain what I'm going to say. I take a deep breath.
"I just wanted to thank you for helping me last night and for thinking of me this morning. I was pretty drunk."
Aya's expression remains set in its usual expressionless mask.
"Is that all?" is all he says in reply.
He's so aloof. Have I already burnt the bridge for any chance with the redhead? I merely nod.
"Well don't do it again. Weiss can't afford that kind of liability."
I'm bristling at his high-handed tone. "But Yohji does it all the time and you don't do anything about him!"
Aya glares at me. "He's not a habitual drunk. And besides he can handle it. You however cannot."
"How do you know I can't handle it?" I declare belligerently. "I can handle a lot of things."
Aya just gives me a look. It annoys me.
"I could handle that amount of beer last night and more." I declare blithely.
"Could you now?" Oops. Aya sounds dangerous now.
"Yes I can." I ignore the warning and defend myself. I'm not scared of Aya.
I glare back at Aya and the glaring battle is on.
"So how much do you remember from last night?" Aya seems to be forcing the words out.
That sentence discharges the tension from me. I don't know what to say. I open my mouth but nothing comes out. Should I admit the truth or not?
Suddenly the kitchen door opens and Omi enters the room.
"Aya-kun. Ken-kun. Manx is here."
I've been given a reprieve again. The gods seem to be looking after me today.
I move to follow Omi to the basement but Aya grabs my arm.
"We'll finish this later."
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- tbc -
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Author's note: Yes, I'm an awful person aren't I? Finishing this chapter like that. Gomenesai! But Ken wanted to angst some more and who was I to deny the poor boy his fair share of angst? But don't worry, Aya's gonna pin him down sooner or later, or will it be the other way around?
Your comments are always valued and appreciated! Arigatou gozaimasu!
I've just posted a new WK oneshot PWP that I've written (first new WK ficcage in months!) so I would like it if you went to check it out and let me know what you think. It's called 'On the Train' and it features Ken and...
