A/N: Before I begin, I want to give some very big shout-outs.

First and foremost, as always, to Marivel for her commentary, proofreading, and blunt honesty. I couldn't have a better editor or a better girlfriend.

Second, mad shout outs to Cendrillo. Someone found my fanfic and liked it. This is good. All I was hoping for was the "finding" part. The fact that he actually read it is big for me. Mad love to my newest homeslice, as they say.

This was supposed to be a three-parter, but it's going to be four parts plus an epilogue now. The epilogue is going to be up sooner than I thought, so just bear with me as it comes around.

No, this chapter is NOT the end. As much as I want to keep this dramatic (and even angsty where necessary) I would still like to see a concrete resolution.

Keep your eyes peeled for my next project... I'm torn between branching out into mecha anime ("Zone of the Blenders") or ripping off on other cultural trends ("Comic & Party: Special Dojinshi Unit")... but time will tell... (Also, how busy we are at work will also tell... :-P)

Part 4: A Mind at Peace with All Below

January 1st, 200X 1
Meiji Jingu Shrine
Harajuku, Tokyo
9:48 AM

The snows of the past week eventually stopped in time for New Year's Eve and the following day. Even the clouds parted for the occasion, granting a bright, cold, clear day for the millions of Japanese who flocked to Shinto shrines all across the country. Even at the Meiji Jingu Shrine, dedicated to one of the great emperors of modern Japan, people flocked out in the cold by the thousands.

Taishi and Kazuki, the former wearing a formal black kimono, the latter in his normal street clothes, waited by the entrance to the shrine, a few steps aside from the thick throng of people filing in with quiet respect.

"They're almost a half-hour late," Kazuki grumbled. "I told them to leave early for a reason, and it's only going to get worse for the rest of the day."

"That it may, my brother," Taishi remarked, "but although we may be dutiful Japanese to be paying our respects and offerings for a good new year, we are still subject to the whims of Japan Rail in getting to those points of respect in the first place."

Kazuki sighed and checked his watch. "Did you ever end up calling Aya?"

"Actually, we spoke the other night. I was out in Shinjuku looking for the .hack OVAs, and while I was taking a break in a café, I called her..."

"Yeah? How'd it go?" Kazuki asked, turning to his friend and leaning up against the low wooden fence surrounding the shrine grounds.

"I think it went well enough... we talked for about a half-hour, nothing too outstanding... she really opens up once you get her started on something, especially over the phone. She sounds a little more casual, less intimidated."

"I guess once you stopped trying to spout propaganda at her, you two hit it off."

"I will ignore that remark for now, my brother."

"So?"

"'So' what?"

"Are you going to ask her out?"

"It's been less than a week, comrade."

"But you've known her since the spring ComiPa, haven't you? She seems as interested as it gets."

Taishi sighed and adjusted the lapels of his kimono. "My brother, I know you mean well, but I still have no intention of entering into a relationship with Hasebe-san," he said, suddenly reverting to a more formal form of address. "For one thing, I don't like the idea of having to jump from woman to woman in order to feel like a man. For another thing, I still feel the same way for both of them, but the feelings I have for Hasebe-san are the same that I felt for Inagawa-san."

"What's with the sudden detachment?" Kazuki asked. "Taishi, you were calling them by their given names the other day."

"It just feels like it's not right..." Taishi said, turning to Kazuki and hopping up onto the fence, sitting on the top rung. "To be so familiar with both of them kind of makes me feel like I'm using them. This isn't a dating sim; I can't just pick and choose and then make a decision and expect everything to end happily. There are real emotions at work here—mine, Hasebe-san's, and Inagawa-san's—and people will get hurt if I mess it up."

Kazuki nodded sympathetically. "I wish there was something I could do to help, Taishi. I've never seen you so torn up before."

"Well, perhaps the spirit of the Emperor Meiji will honor a selfish request in that sense, my brother," Taishi said with a grin as he propped his glasses up on his nose.

"Oh, what are you going on about now?!" a high-pitched voice exclaimed from within the line.

"Can it," a brusquer voice flatly said, followed by a familiar whapping sound.

Eimi Oba emerged from the edge of the crowd, covering her head with her handbag and the puffy white sleeves of her jacket as if she was in a bombing raid, followed by Yuu, who was wielding her harisen in one of her crossed arms.

"You stupid panda, that's super-disrespectful to engage in violence on shrine grounds!" Eimi exclaimed, standing on the toes of her shoes to stare Yuu down.

"If you can't see past your ego, which could use a little bruising, you'd see that we're not at the shrine yet, and that you usually make bad situations worse and it'd be best to not butt in," Yuu said, counting off the offenses on her fingers. "Sorry we're late, guys."

"It is not a problem, my sister," Taishi said, struggling to keep up normality. "Did you perchance run into anyone else on your way in?"

"Yeah, we found Mizuki, Reiko, and Chisa-chan at the station," Eimi piped up, straightening up again. "But some super-lame jerk spilled coffee all over their kimonos. It might not come out! That's gotta be super-bad luck for the new year. Anyway, they're going back home to change and they won't be coming. Super-sigh."

"That's awful!" Kazuki exclaimed.

"Indeed it is," Taishi said solemnly and dramatically. "The very nature of the winter kimono, while warmer and more comfortable for cold weather than silk, reflects the character of the fabric and the fragility of the season itself. I should only hope that their local dry cleaners are experienced in these matters."

"Yeah, makes me glad I came in my civvies," Yuu said, tucking away her harisen into the pouch-like pocket of her trademark red sweatshirt. "I'll hang on to the kimono for when there's no risk of stuff getting on it."

"Awww, is the stupid panda afraid her black and white coat will fall out from getting coffee all over it?"

Eimi and Yuu went back and forth before Kazuki and Taishi pulled them apart.

"No violence!" Kazuki exclaimed. "It's already crowded enough here; we don't need street fights near a shrine!"

"Indeed," Taishi said calmly, holding back Eimi's arms in a firm lock. "Besides, Hasebe-san should be here soon. If we have to bail you two out of a police station, or worse, a hospital, she'll be wondering what happened."

"Um... you don't need to worry about me," a quiet, low voice said from a few feet away.

"Oh, hey, Aya-san!" Kazuki said by means of greeting, releasing Yuu from a half Nelson.

Kazuki turned around, trying to restrain himself upon seeing her. Aya wore a dark blue kimono patterned with a motif of white chrysanthemums over a lotus pond, accented with an ornate red and black obi. Her hair, normally worn in a loosely-kept ponytail, was done up in a braided bun and held up by red ribbons, with just a few locks blowing loose in the soft, cold morning breeze.

"Hey, what's the big idea bein' all fancy?" Yuu exclaimed, her Kansai accent strengthening by means of a joke. She stepped to Aya's side and looked her up and down. "Now that is one pretty kimono."

"Yeah!" Eimi chimed in, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. Aya had begun to blush under all the attention. "It must have been super-expensive."

As the girls pressed Aya for information on the kimono, throwing complements and the like at her, Taishi looked over at Kazuki, an uneasy look about his face. Kazuki shrugged by means of reply.

She's so beautiful... it's no less than the normally conservative way she dresses... but just that hint of flesh at the nape of her neck is just so... it seems so sexy...

"But... well, it's an heirloom," Aya tried to explain as Yuu and Eimi began arguing over good places to buy kimonos. "It's from the late 1800s..."

"Awww, did the stupid panda get tired of black and white? Too bad that gigantic bears can't wear traditional clothing! Panda panda panda, can't wear a kimono..."

"Hey, at least I look like a woman when I wear one. You look like someone's little brother trying to wear Mama's clothes!"

Aya quietly sidestepped the continuing argument. "A very happy and healthy new year to you both," she said, bowing her hands gently clasped in front of her in a rather formal greeting.

"A very happy and healthy new year to you as well," Taishi and Kazuki replied in unison, bowing as well as another WHAP! echoed from Yuu's harisen.

"Can the crap and let's go!" Yuu said excitedly, energized as always after smacking Eimi, or anyone else for that matter, down. "We've gotta start fighting our way through these crowds!"

She's acting as if things are normal... just business as usual. As if I'd never said anything... I guess that's how it is for her, isn't it?

"Yes, we must indeed, my brother, and my sisters. A blessing from the spirit of Father of Modern Japan should not be taken lightly and must be approached with dignity and celerity, for many people will be seeking the same thing today." Taishi propped up his glasses and nodded affirmatively, hands folded inside the wide sleeves of his kimono.

"Yeah, yeah," Eimi said with a sigh. "Can the super-melodrama, we're going, we're going."

The five students insinuated themselves into the crowd of people, which was moving quickly into the large shrine grounds. Several wells with long, thin dipping spoons dotted the grounds before a large cedar tori gate, and people stopped to splash water over their hands and into their mouths as part of cleansing themselves.

Taishi splashed the water over his hands and drank a small stream of it, trying to keep himself running through the motions of visiting a fairly important and very sacred Shinto shrine. If I fail to approach such a simple task with honesty, purity, politeness, and virtue, I couldn't approach any other tasks with the same importance, he thought, as if purifying his mind as best he could.

"Hey, Taishi, hand me the dipper, will ya?" he heard Yuu ask from behind him.

Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.

Taishi handed off the wooden dipper to Yuu. "Did you have a good New Year's Eve?" he asked.

"Oh, it was good," Yuu said as she splashed each of her hands with water. "Since I live here with my cousin and his brother in Tokyo, our entire family came out and we went for soba at midnight. It was really great having everyone together like that; even our old grandparents came up from Osaka to join us."

"Osaka? I thought you were from Kobe."

"Hey, this one knows his Karamitei trivia!" Yuu exclaimed after streaming some water into her mouth from the dipper. "Yeah, my father's side is from Kobe, but my mother's side is from Osaka. Both of 'em run hot springs, too; kinda weird, isn't it?"

"Now I know why you're so hot-blooded all the time, comrade Yuu," Taishi joked. "Your blood is boiling by virtue of your genes being soaked in hot springs!"

"I'll give you that one," Yuu said with a laugh, poking Taishi with her harisen. "But make any more corny jokes like that again, Mr. Squid Gold Standard, and you're gonna get it."

"Squid Gold Standard? Moi?" Taishi asked with mock incredulity. "But am I not entitled to learn more about you, as I've so desired in the past?"

Yuu didn't respond immediately. "Yeah, well, now you get to!" she said with a nervous laugh. She moved a little closer to him. "Taishi..." she started. "I don't know what your intentions are, but I..."

Taishi held up his hands, but before he could explain himself, Yuu's harisen came down and impacted on his head once again.

"I don't do well with the whole surrepetitious-swiping-of-personal-information bit," she said quietly, weilding the paper fan like a fencing foil, a grin on her face. "Let's not cause too much drama or violence today, okay?"

She's trying to dodge the issue... she just doesn't want to bring it up, I guess.

Do I really blame her? Can I really blame her?

Kazuki had finished at the well across the dirt path into the shrine as Eimi and Aya were cleansing themselves. "It's so strange to see him like that..." Kazuki said under his breath.

"So strange to see Che Guevara over there with the panda, riiight?" Eimi exclaimed, slinking up to Kazuki. "I swear, whenever they get together, it's like the earth is going to explode. He'd give the Japanese Communist Party an inferiority complex and she looks like she's Hsing-Hsing! Gah, what a weird couple they are..."

"They'd be a weird couple if they were one, though," Kazuki replied, not wanting to talk about his friend behind his back. "As far as you or I know, aren't they just friends?"

"Yeah, that's true," Eimi replied, stretching her arms behind her neck. Out of the corner of his eye, Kazuki saw Aya look up from dipping the long dipper spoon back into the well. "But they seem totally perfect for each other, don't they?"

"Eimi-chan, I thought you'd rather see Yuu suffer for all the disagreements and fights you two have," Kazuki said, trying to change the subject for Aya's sake.

"Aww, just because she and I don't get along doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice," Eimi said, suddenly perking up. "Besides, I think that the stupid panda would do the same for me. We don't get along, but I don't think we hate each other. She and Taishi might as well end up together, because you'd better not be trying to convince me that Tashi likes me, Ka-zu-kiiii." She finished with a growl.

Taishi and Yuu headed back to the three others, joking and laughing. "Okay, we should be serious now, you guys," Yuu said. "We're in a shrine."

They set off under the cedar tori, amongst the thinning crowd of people as paths diverged onto the shrine grounds. The five students took the path to the main shrine, where the earlier crowds had thinned out to only several thousand. Quietly and as one, they bowed twice, clapped their hands twice each, and held them together, lowering their heads silently in prayer.

Clarity. Please, I need clarity this year and always. Give me the ability to recognize my faults and learn from them, to constantly hone and improve my strengths, and to achieve what my desires may be on the best path that I choose as my own.

Please allow me this... allow me happiness in this new year.

Taishi bowed, having finished, and looked to his side. Aya had a dark ebony set of Buddhist prayer beads between her two praying hands, her head solemnly lowered. Taishi felt his heart skip a beat by seeing her in such a relaxed, content state.

She looks serene... so very Japanese.

Aya looked up, finished with her prayers, and bowed again. Her eyes met Taishi's, and it took a moment for him to wonder if he should avert his eyes and not cause people to wonder why he was looking at Aya in such an enamored manner. Before he could decide, though, she tilted her head to her left and smiled gently at him, blushing slightly.

The softness of her sudden smile caught Taishi like the proverbial ton of bricks, and he felt a lightness suddenly run through his torso. He smiled at her by virtue of reflex, a smile that did not befit his grin of calculation and inspiration. Rather, just a smile that spread across his face.

"Hey," Kazuki whispered gently to Taishi, laying a hand on his shoulder. "Weren't you saying earlier..."

"That was earlier, comrade," Taishi said over his shoulder quietly. "I believe that the spirit of the Meiji Emperor has begun to look favorably upon my humble requests."

"I hope you're right," Kazuki whispered back, tossing his head a few times gently in Yuu's direction. She, too, had finished praying and was straightening up.

Okay, keep it cool, keep it cool.

"Man, the first shrine visit of the year is always the best one," Yuu exclaimed, stepping away from the main shrine so other worshippers could make their devotions. "What did you guys wish for?"

"Oh, just to outsell you, stupid panda," Eimi said cheerfully, followed by a glare from Yuu. "Eep!"

"I just want to get better as a dojin artist," Kazuki said.

"World peace..." Aya said quietly.

"Clarity!" Taishi exclaimed, thrusting his fist into the air. "Clarity in the path of righteous world conquest by dojinshi!"

"Hopeless," Kazuki and Yuu said in a unison half-sigh.

"You guys want to look around a little?" Kazuki asked. "The Meiji Treasure House will be opening soon.

"Actually, I was going to go around that way too," Yuu piped up. "I've always wanted to see the poetry that the Emperor and Empress wrote. Just to see what the Imperial Family wrote way back then, when Japan was different."

"Yeah, I wanna go see the old imperial costumes," Eimi chimed in. "I'm doing research. I'll leave the super-lame poetry to the panda."

"So it's decided. C'mon, Kazuki!" Yuu shouted, grabbing Kazuki's forearm and pulling him towards the Treasure House museum.

"Hey! I wanted to go see the winter irises!" Kazuki rebutted just before his other forearm was put into a lock by Eimi.

"C'mon, pochi, let's go check out all the cool armor!"

"Taishi!" Kazuki cried out. "Help!"

"Um... maybe we ought to get him out of there," Aya said quietly.

"He is, unfortunately, lost to the ages," Taishi replied, clapping his hands together twice and bowing in prayer again. "Our comrade fought valiantly, but there is no dishonor in falling before a superior enemy."

Aya giggled gently. "He isn't dead yet, Taishi-kun."

"Kazuki mentioned winter irises..." Taishi said awkwardly. "Do you want to go see them?"

"I... yes, I'd like to..." Aya said, looking down shyly, smiling with another soft blush about her cheeks.

"I mean, y'know... you and... me..."

"There's nobody else here that we know, Taishi-kun."

"Oh, yes! Of course. You're right. Ha ha ha!" Taishi said, recovering from his suddenly awkward moment with his normal grandstanding. "Of course not. I would not entrust the safety of a comrade to the fate of strangers!"

"We should go before it gets too crowded..."

"Oh, yes, of course! We go forth!" Taishi exclaimed, pointing back towards the path leading to the entrance. "What?" he asked, when Aya turned into the other direction.

"The iris gardens are on that path, Taishi-kun," Aya said quietly, pointing at a sign that said "Iris Gardens: Northern Path."

"Oh. Yes. Of course."

Taishi and Aya dropped some coins into an offering box and received two steaming cups of green tea from an attending shrine maiden. The path to the iris gardens was mercifully sparse with people; many shrine visitors were simply avoiding the open evergreen-lined wooden path simply because of the cold morning. Other shrine visitors passed them from the opposite direction from time to time; some in groups, others alone. The two students stood out, though; they drew numerous glances and several whispers from passing people.

"We must look like something interesting..." Taishi mused as two younger girls giggled lightly as they passed. "A guy and a girl dressed in traditional clothing, even on New Year's Day, at a shrine..."

We must look like we're dating...

"Yes..." Aya said quietly, trailing off.

The trail widened and the trees began to thin out. The fields up ahead still had snow on them from the past few days; it was slowly freezing in the low temperatures. The people that were trickling back from the path no longer came, and the chirp of birds became the only sound around Taishi and Aya, save for the sound of their sandals flapping against their feet.

We're alone. Alone in a sacred space in the heart of Tokyo. I know... I know that nothing will change between Yuu and I. I know that I'm fortunate to still be talking to her, and that she's still treating me as a friend. If she was really not willing to treat me as a friend, would she be so casual as to hit me?

But she tried to dodge the subject... she doesn't want to talk about it... she really must want to put that behind her. What if the same thing happens with me and Aya?

"You're quieter than normal, Taishi-kun..."

"Eh?" Taishi almost yelped, brought out of his silence by Aya's sudden remark. "Oh, I was just taking in the scenery and looking around for the flowers. Nothing too big."

"But we're at the flowers."

"Oh!" Taishi looked around, and they had indeed come to the iris gardens.

Aya crouched down by the small white wire boundary between the snowed-in grass and the packed dirt path by a neatly arranged patch of irises. She reached out with her right hand, gently cradling one of the bell-shaped white flowers and feeling the texture of the petals gently.

"I've never seen these before..." Aya said, gazing at the flower.

I can't jump around like this. I don't want to jump around like this. I can't bear to look at her like that, envying the beauty of a flower. I don't want to mess things up!

"Aya-chan... I'm sorry about everything..."

Aya looked up from the flower, stunned by the sudden pain in Taishi's voice. He was looking down at the flowers, as if he was trying to stare down an iris.

"It's... I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to make things bad for you... but I can't be here with you like this, seeing you like that..."

"Like what?" she asked, standing up. "Taishi-kun, what's wrong?"

"Saturday night..." Taishi started, his voice breaking slightly. "Saturday night, you helped me through a really bad time. You helped me out fully knowing that I really, really liked Yuu, and was getting over being shot down. You helped me deal with it... you opened up to me as I had to you... but you were over Takashi, weren't you? I wasn't over Yuu..."

"Taishi, I don't understand what's going on..." Aya said quietly, biting her lip gently with nervousness.

"You've had time to get over Takashi... but I haven't yet had time to get over Yuu... and then I just started to feel that same way towards you, Aya-chan."

"The same way..."

Taishi turned to look directly at Aya. It was obvious that he was holding back countless tears as he spoke.

"The difference was... the difference was that I could feel it with you, that you were there... I got to learn things about you, I got to help you, I got to be the man you deserved. I got the chance to make you happy... and you treated me the same way. So unselfishly, with dignity, with beauty... it was such a nameless grace that kept me falling for you. Such a nameless grace that allowed me to even have such a chance, to have such a night..."

Taishi closed his eyes. "But... but if Yuu could just disregard me so easily, and then I suddenly feel the same for you... what if my feelings changed? What if it didn't work out? I always thought it was all sunshine and roses once you started dating someone, once you had a girlfriend... but only when I started realizing how I feel for you, and how fragile you were... how fragile that attraction is..."

Taishi blinked away his tears, but to no avail, as one single teardrop rolled down his cheek, the culmination of all the tears he couldn't cry on Saturday night and today.

"I don't want to mess things up, Aya-chan... it's too soon... and I'm afraid that I don't know how I feel, despite how my heart pounds when I look at you. I don't want to jump into your arms just because I've been rejected... I want to be able to be everything for you, to give all I can... I will not be someone who hurts you for being in love. If that means I can't be with you..."

"Taishi-kun, please... please don't say any more..." Aya said, grasping her hands over her heart. She was blinking away tears with abandon. "I... I don't want you to be like this for my sake."

"It pains me to do this, Aya..." Taishi said, taking off his glasses to rub the tears from his eyes. "I wish that we had come together under better circumstances... I wish that I could have fallen in love with you under the purest of circumstances, that we could have a romance that made the world jealous. I wish I could have felt this way for you before anyone else. But... but there's just no changing how this happened..."

Aya sniffled gently, blinked twice, and walked towards Taishi. In a swift moment, she had buried her head in his kimono-clad shoulder, sniffling softly. "I'm sorry, Taishi-kun..." she said between soft sobs. "I promise... I promise I won't be like this for long... just let me cry, just for a little while..."

Taishi nodded silently, his own chest moving with the quick, diffused motions of his own quiet crying. He wrapped his arms around Aya, the contours of her smooth body easily felt through the thin, silky layers of her kimono.

If it could have been different... if it could have been something more, something sooner... I could be holding her like this and we wouldn't be crying...

Aya looked up, her eyes clear of tears but reddened from crying. "I'm sorry..." she said quietly. "I-"

"No, I should apologize," Taishi said, shaking his head. "I was the one who brought it up... I was the one who made you cry..."

"But... but if you worry about how I feel, you shouldn't, Taishi-kun..." Aya said, breathing in deeply. "I'm strong enough to feel the same way, I think... and I do."

"Aya..."

"I won't let you go so easily," she said, a more confident tone taking over her voice, albeit a quiet confidence. "I'll still feel this way towards you, and... and when you're ready, I think I'll still be here..."

"You... you really mean that?"

Aya crouched down to look at the white iris again. "Different irises bloom in every season," she said rhetorically. "They've evolved that way... the white and purple irises are resilient enough to take the cold and still be beautiful. Then, when that specific breed withers in the spring, a new one comes back... and as the seasons change, the flowers are still beautiful, still blooming despite the snow, the leaves, the rain, and the heat."

She... she really does like me... she feels the same way, even with all this...

Taishi nodded and smiled, breathing a deep breath and exhaling with relief. "That's very true..." he remarked.

You will always be my iris, Aya Hasebe. It will take time, but I know that at the height of the season, you will be in blossom... when the change in seasons is through, the winter will be something more beautiful.

Aya stood and looked up at the coldly clear blue sky. "I will wait," she said. "Maybe not forever... but as long as you'll still be Taishi-kun, then... someday, I want you to be my Taishi-kun."

Taishi smiled at Aya. "We should go back before they start worrying about us..."

"Yes, let's go back."

To be concluded...