Title: Why I stay
Author: Tears of a Phoenix
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, just playing
Spoilers: None
Rating: G
Summary: Zoe contemplates what she would say to Wash and the rest of the crew in regards to why she stays with Mal
Author Notes: This is a one-parter. At least I'm pretty sure that it is. We'll see if my muse pushes it further or not. This is a repost since I kept mis-spelling Wash. This is what happens when you don't have a beta.
They don't realize that I see the question and confusion in their eyes each time I submit to Malcom's decisions.
I know that they wonder why I have stayed beside Malcolm all of these years. I see it in their eyes every time that Wash and I get in another argument about my loyalty. All of them want an answer, Wash demands it, but I don't think I could put it into words that any of them would understand.
All they see is that man he is now. The bitter, broken captain that loves 'em but pushes them harder and further than they really wanna go. What they don't see, they don't know, is the man he use to be, the man that I met all those years ago. The young man who loved life, loved his God, and believed in the impossible, that's the man that I know, that I pledged by loyalty to. Won't take it back, not even if I knew where that pledge would take me to later.
Wash seems to think that there was something romantic between Malcolm and me. Gorram fool, can't see the truth, probably don't want to see it cause it means facing what happened to me at Serenity Valley. Now, mind you, he's my gorram fool and I love him, but still, it's a dumb thought.
He never wants to hear what happened there and when my nightmares come, well; he just acts like he's still asleep. Use to hurt, but it's something I've learned to accept, he can't relate to the darkness I know. Which is part of why I love him, he doesn't live there, doesn't know what it's like. Just wish he'd accept me and Malcolm's relationship like I accept how he denies that part of me.
Maybe I'm asking for too much from him. Just asking for him to accept it, take it for what it is, without the explanation. But to give him the explanation, I have to tell Malcolm's secrets, about our capture. That's something I can't do to Malcolm. So I let the misunderstanding to continue, trusting in Malcolm that he'll find a way to put it into words that Wash can understand or River will tell the crew. It'll piss Malcolm off, but in the end he'll appreciate it. Cause I don't think that he can find the right words either, the brain can say them, but pushing 'em past our mouths, that's not something either one of us is ready for.
So I wait. Wait for him to tell them the truth, the truth of why I don't call him anything but 'sir' out loud and the truth of our bond. That it's beyond anything they have known yet, but if things keep going the way they are, maybe, just maybe they'll start to understand our bond. Cause they're forging their own with each other and some day they'll see the heart of Malcolm. They'll see my brother and they'll understand why I stay.
