Part 7

"You and Angel seem pretty close," Lorne mused after the latter had left the room.

Buffy tore her eyes away from the door to look at Lorne, a frown firmly in place as she did so. "Not really," she said, shrugging imperceptibly.

Lorne raised an eyebrow and gazed pointedly at Buffy. "He's been here almost the entire time since you were admitted."

"So?" Buffy asked, hiding the whirling emotions she felt at the disclosure.

Tapping his pen against his chin, Lorne pondered his next choice of words. The tension between Buffy and Angel when he walked into the room had almost been tangible. His instincts were telling him that there were some unresolved issues between the two, and if there were, he wondered what role they may have played in the troubled young girl's breakdown. Experience told him that there was much more to Buffy's problems than her brother's death.

"It seems to me he cares a great deal about you," he replied at last.

Lips pursed, Buffy pulled her knees up to her chin. She didn't want to talk about Angel. She didn't even want to think about Angel, or that he had stayed at the hospital, or that they had just had their longest conversation in three years. The less she thought about Angel, the better off she was.

"Can we not talk about Angel?" she requested forcefully, emphasizing the word 'not'.

"All right then, what would you like to talk about?" Lorne questioned, crossing his legs.

"How 'bout nothing?" Buffy muttered faintly. "I don't see why we have to do this. I'm fine!"

Lorne took a moment to jot down some notes; Buffy's veiled hostility, her reluctance to let anyone help her, and her apparent denial that anything was wrong. She seemed to be one very closed off young woman, in his mind.

"Well, why don't we start with you telling me why you're here in this hospital," he started off his line of questioning.

"Because Giles won't le me go home!" she grumbled loudly, toying with the hem of her gown.

Flipping back several pages in the patient file sitting on his lap, Lorne recited the words written in Giles' handwriting, "Patient admitted to emergency room unconscious with multiple abrasions and lacerations to the arms and hands. Officer O'Neil, who responded to the call of a woman in distress, reported that at least one room in the patient's home had been ransacked."

Hearing the description, Buffy paled, her hands stilling in her lap.

"Sound familiar?" he asked, setting aside the file.

"I-I...I don't know," she stuttered, shaking her head as if to force the memories out of her mind.

"Tell me, Buffy, what do you remember about yesterday?" Lorne pressed, sensing her veneer was cracking, and though he hated the idea of causing her additional stress, there didn't seem to be any other choice.

Buffy barely heard the question directed at her. Images, little snippets of the past two weeks, flashed before her flashed before her eyes.

ZZ

"Xand?"
on, ya gotta come with me!"

ZZ

"No! Oz!"

ZZ

"I'm here, Oz. Hang on, you're gonna be fine."

"Buff...love....you."

ZZ

"The impact of the crash caused an Acute Subdural Hematoma; a form of bleeding in the space between the brain and the skull. His was particularly severe, and the build up of fluid put an immense amount of pressure on the brain which, in turn, has caused irreparable brain damage. Oz is, for lack of a better term, brain dead."

ZZ

Beep...

Beep......

Beep.............

Beep...............................

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

ZZ

"I don't want to leave him. He'll be all alone."

"He's not alone, Buffy. His soul is up in Heaven with your Mom."

ZZ

"I miss him."

"I do, too. But he'll always be watching over you. That's what big brothers do."

ZZ

"I shouldn't have had to come!"

"Oz shouldn't be dead!" she shouted.

"It's all your fault!"

"He should have been with me."

"Oh, let me guess. He never told you. Have to protect poor, little Buffy."

"And he would have never gotten into an accident and been killed if he had gone with me! It's all your fault that he's dead because he had to stay and play guardian angel!"

Her fault.

ZZ

"Buffy?" Lorne said cautiously, growing worried over the blank look on her face and her trembling body. Leaning, over, he checked his bag to make sure he had a sedative available if necessary.

Tears fell from her eyes. The trembling increased, shaking her entire body. Lorne reached into his bag and grabbed the syringe. He tucked it into his pocket, deciding to use it if only absolutely necessary. Standing, he walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. He picked up one of her hands, holding it comfortingly. Physical contact wasn't a typical course of action, but he wasn't a typical doctor.

"My fault," she whispered, not to Lorne, but to herself.

Lorne heard the barely uttered words and knew what she was referring to. Even though he'd already been told about the confrontation between Buffy and Willow, he needed her to talk about it. "What was your fault?" he prodded.

Buffy pressed a hand to her right temple, suddenly remembering she wasn't alone in the room. "Nothing," she mumbled, scrunching back against the pillows to distance herself.

"You can talk to me, Buffy. I'm not here to judge you, or tell you that you're right or wrong. You can think of me as a big, fluffy, stuffed teddy bear who will listen to whatever you want to talk about," he offered, holding out his arms.

Despite her current mood, Buffy cracked the smallest of smiles at the thought of her shrink dressed up like a giant teddy bear. It was too amusing not to smile at.

"I saw that," Lorne said knowingly, but soon he turned serious again. "I meant what I said. I'm just here to listen, and talk about anything."

Sighing, Buffy contemplated telling him to get the hell out of her room, but she didn't. A small part of her wanted to talk, wanted someone to tell her it would be okay. And Lorne was a bit endearing. He wasn't like other doctors with their cold, professional, distant demeanors. He just seemed so welcoming.

"It was my fault," she repeated her earlier sentiment, averting her eyes in guilt.

"What was your fault?" Lorne asked again.

Buffy looked up at Lorne, trying to sort through the jumble of thoughts in her head. Everything was so confusing. "The a-accident. It was my fault."

Lorne nodded, having suspected she had believed her friend's accusation. "I'm told it was a car accident, and that you were at home at the time. How can it be your fault then?" he asked, needing to help direct her to the real cause.

"No." Buffy shook her head, Willow's hurtful words replaying in her head. "There shouldn't have been an accident. He shouldn't have been here with me. He should have gone with Willow to Berkley."

"I see," he said in that typical doctor tone. In a normal situation, Lorne would have had to ask for details and more of an explanation to her statement, but in this case, he already knew much of the background. Between what Angel and Xander had told him, and what Giles, the doctor who had not only treated Buffy's mom and brother but who was also Angel's uncle, had further explained, he knew much of Buffy's case history.

"Let me ask you a question," Lorne began. "Did you ever ask your brother to stay here with you?"

"No," Buffy answered, wiping away some of her tears.

"Did he ever tell you he wanted to leave, or to go with Willow?" he continued.

Buffy frowned, wondering what Lorne was getting at. "No."

Looking directly at her, he asked, "Then how can it be your fault?"

"He stayed because of me! Because I was here!" she shrieked, a few tears falling.

"Maybe he wanted to stay," Lorne posed. "Oz was your brother, Buffy. He loved you. Maybe he wanted to stay here in Sunnydale."

A timer beeped, interrupting anything Buffy might have had to say in response. Lorne looked down at his watch, seeing that their time was up and that he had to go see another patient. It was good timing, he supposed. Not being able to continue the conversation would leave Buffy with quite a bit to think about until their next appointment.

"Well, that little ding means our time is up," he said as he stood and gathered his stuff. It didn't escape his attention that Buffy appeared to be deep in thought. "I'll see ya tomorrow, same time, same place."

Buffy mumbled a goodbye as her therapist shuffled out of the room. Her mind was elsewhere, though. That was the bad thing about conflicting thoughts. They tended to suck up all of one's attention. And her mind was certainly filled with conflicting thoughts. It was a furious tug-of-war between Willow's accusations, and Lorne's logical alternate viewpoint. But who was right?

QQ

Angel and Xander stood silent and still in the center of the Summers' living room surveying the damage of Buffy's breakdown. It was a chilling sight. Angel had seen it before, but hadn't had the chance to look around thoroughly. For Xander, it was his first look at the wreckage. It sent shivers down his spine to know Buffy had been so distraught to cause it all.

"I knew I should have stayed here yesterday," Xander said, voicing the internal reprimand that had been repeating in his head since late the night before.

"It's not your fault, Xander," Angel assured him.

"No, it's Willow's," spat Xander in disgust.

Sighing, Angel gazed around the room, shaking his head. "As much as I hate to say it, I don't think this is her fault either."

"What? How can you say that?" Xander said in a shocked semi-shout.

"Because Giles and Lorne are right, something like this would have happened sooner or later," Angel explained, bending over to right the upside-down coffee table. "What Willow said contributed, but it wasn't the sole cause."

"I guess you're right," Xander conceded, kneeling down to gather up the sheet music of Oz's that was scattered all over the floor. "Well, let's get some of this cleaned up."

"Yeah, and we'll need to make a list of what needs to be replaced," added Angel. He had every intention of getting the room back in order so that Buffy wouldn't have to deal with it. She had enough on her mind; she didn't need to worry about cleaning.

"Aye, Aye Captain," Xander mock saluted.

QQ

Two hours later, Xander was walking through the quiet, dimmed hallways of the hospital toward the nurses' station near Buffy's room with a concerned look on his face. As he approached, the nurse behind the desk looked up at him, glanced at her watch then scowled.

"Xander, visiting hours are over for the day," Amy Madison, the nurse, told him in a hushed voice.

"Oh come on, Amy. No one will even know I'm here," he responded, grinning at his former high school classmate.

"Fine," she sighed in annoyance. "But if anyone catches you, I'll tell them you snuck in."

"'kay, your ass is covered," Xander assured her, then focused back on why he'd searched her out. "Have you seen Buffy? She's not in her room."

"Oh, yeah. She said she wanted some fresh air so she went to sit out on the deck," she replied, referring to the small outdoors area that patients could sit in.

"Thanks. I won't stay long. I just want to see how she's doing," he explained as he started walking away.

A minute later, Xander was walking out the door leading onto the deck. Since the area was so small, it didn't take him long to find Buffy. She was seated on a lounge chair, staring up at the dark night sky.

"Hey, Buff," he greeted, taking a seat on the end of her chair.

"Hey," she returned, giving him a small smile.

"Enjoying some quiet time with the stars, huh?" he asked, glancing up to the clear sky.

"Yeah, they're so simple, yet so complex," Buffy explained, frowning at her nonsensical words.

Xander chuckled at the statement, and leaned back to stare up at the bright twinkling dots. "They are kinda cool."

Buffy was silent for several minutes, lost in thoughts of death and blame. Finally, she found the nerve to ask the question lingering on the tip of her tongue. "Xand? Do you think Oz wanted to stay here in Sunnydale?"

Rotating to face her, Xander didn't hesitate with his answer. "Yes. I think that this was his home and that he was perfectly happy here."

"Oh," Buffy mumbled, still finding it hard to believe.

"Buffy," Xander began, waiting until she lifted her eyes to meet his. "You didn't make Oz stay, and he didn't feel obligated to. He did what he wanted to do."

A few tears trickled from Buffy's eyes, the reality of Oz's death hitting her once again. Xander pulled her into a hug, trying his best to comfort her. His own tears welled in his eyes as he, too, remembered one of his closest friends. The two stayed that way for several minutes, seeking even the smallest comfort in still having each other.

Pulling back, Xander kept an arm around Buffy. "Come on, I'll walk you back to your room. You should get some sleep."

"Okay," she agreed, yawning at the thought of sleep. She stood, pausing to look seriously at her friend. "Thank you for being here, for everything."

"There's no where else I'd rather be," he answered, giving her shoulder a squeeze as they strolled back into the hospital and toward Buffy's room.

QQ

TBC!!