Disclaimer: CSI and the song used – isn't mine!
Spoiler: a quote from 'The Strip Strangler'
Feedback: Thanks for the feedbacks and I would really appreciate MORE! (please!!)
A/N: The song used here is titled 'Jealous' by a Filipina artist, Nina. Hope you guys would enjoy!
Chapter eight: Jealous
Jealous of the girl Who caught your eye
One of my darker days
when you looked at her Where was I?
Should have been in her place
I came in too early tonight; I couldn't sleep so I decide to come in early, as I made my way out the break room and back to the locker room...
"I found the clone! I found the clone! Who's the man? Who's the man!? I am!!"
I froze from where I was standing to stare at Greg who is dancing like an idiot, yelling, he's the man!
"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked as I watched him yell and jump like a little boy who got his first penny. And soon, I learned that he just won over Archie on some computer game. Could you believe he actually won over Archie? Oh well. That's Greg. Always the unbelievable! And I really mean that in every way possible!
"You two shouldn't be playing. If Grissom finds out, you two are so dead" I warned them trying to suppress my laughter from watching Greg's face turn pale at the mention of Grissom finding out.
"Oh please, please please! Don't tell him!" Greg begged as he made puppy dog eyes, I just rolled my eyes, nodded and leave. If I stayed there and watched him make those puppy dog eyes I don't think he'll appreciate me laughing my heart out at him.
I still can't suppress the grin on my face remembering Greg's face...
I sigh as I sat down the bench of the locker room. Hmm... clone ... Grissom. That brings me back on some weeks ago. I just had my heart broken ... AGAIN. I told Gil that I would like to find some one like him, hell! Some one like him? Why would I even dream of something like that! That is not possible! Coz there is no one like him! Oh god. I'm pathetic. I smile as I remember him actually offering himself. Hmm. I wonder if he was serious? But, well, guess I would never know now would I?
I came by Gil's last night. I was so determined... I haven't been so confident and sure yet so nervous my entire life. I have managed to tell him that I have been ignoring it and hiding it, I have managed to say the explanation, but I wasn't able to spill out what it was I was really saying.
I said, Gil.
I said, I.
But I didn't get to say love .... you...
Well maybe I did. I did, in my mind. I screamed and shouted and I was proud to say ..I love you!
But then she appeared by the hallway from his bedroom.
From his bedroom. She called him 'Honey'. She kissed him goodnight. She gave him a smile.
He touched her back. He smiled at her. He kissed her back. He watched her as she went back to bed.
I left and he stayed.
He stayed. There. In his house.
With her.
I can't believe it; she's there in his house! And she's sleeping in his bedroom! I had a lot of thoughts about what ifs the other night. But after seeing that woman in Gil's house, the only what if I could think of is...
What if I was the one in her place?
Never doubt, never look back ... that's how I live my life. Yea, right!
I've been doubting the most precious feeling I have for the most special man in my life for years. I have been looking back at everything these past few weeks.
Guess the way I live my life has changed. I can't blame myself for changes. Change always happens. I change. My beliefs change. My feelings change ... so maybe my feelings for Gil would change. Maybe.
all alone imagining
What could have been
if I had been there
I wonder how often she sleeps over at his place. I doubt that my timing was just one of those bad timings when you come over on the most unexpected times when your friend is having a one night stand with someone.
Gil said a few days ago that he's been seeing her for weeks. I remember that morning. I even encouraged him. I wonder if it's really serious. I hope not. But by the looks of it, I know that, that hope of mine is holding into plain nothing. They almost got married before, and well, now it's like the old fire is still burning and when she looked at him, the look in her eyes. She cares for him. I know that, I'm familiar with that look, coz that's the same look I've been having in my own eyes.
When she smiled at him. It looks genuine and warm. I'm sure of that, coz that's the same way I smile at him. The kind of smile that I give to him and him only.
When I said good-bye to Gil last night. It wasn't a simple good-bye, coz when I said good-bye I really mean it. No, I'm not going away. At least not physically. But when I said those words... I meant, Good-bye.. good-bye to my feelings, good-bye for hope.. good-bye to him. He looked happy, and so did she. So I would just have to move on.
Last night, here at work right after I went to his house, well it was all well. He attempted to talk to me but dear old Greg interrupted us. And again, I made a mental note to be nicer to him. I wasn't in a mood for any confrontations; I don't think I ever would actually. So, thank you Greg!
The entire shift I just played it cool. Whatever hell that means! At the end of the shift before I left he again attempted to talk to me, but before he could really say anything I interrupted him. I told him that I'm fine so no need for him to worry about anything. Yea that's right, he need not to be worried, that's the last thing I'll need to know if I want to move on, knowing that's he's worried about me will surely not help me in any way.
Him worrying on me would just give me hope and fantasies, and I'll end up being a dumb hopeless romantic and an even more pathetic woman than I am now.
I have to move on. I have to move on. I have to move on.
"Hey Cath! You're the only one were waiting for!"
I glance up and saw Nick. "Oh sorry!". I apologized
I wonder how long he has been standing there. So I get up from the bench and walked back to the break room with Nick. So he tells me that he is already starting to give Sara hints of how he feels for her.
"Hints? Nick, what planet are you from! You're the guy you're not suppose to be the one giving hints you're suppose to be the one getting one!"
"Am I supposed to just wait till she gives me hints?"
"No. You are actually supposed to tell her how you feel not give hints!"
I look at Nick as he scratches his head.
"Come on Nick it's not like this is the first time you'll be courting anyone"
"But this is different"
"You just really love Sara huh"
"No actually I meant, Sara is different"
So I playfully whack Nick on the arm and laugh.
"No, but seriously. I really love her."
"Aww.. so sweet Nick!" I teased and wear a big grin on my face as I watched Nick's face turn into red. "Stop it Cath!"
I was still wearing that big grin on my face when I entered the break room. Then my grin disappeared like a flash.
What the hell is she doing here?
If she's keeping you satisfied
Jealous of the one Who finally found you
Made your sun and Your stars collide
She's a very very lucky girl
The damn bitch is here! And she's all curled up in Grissom's arms! Oh god, I feel my blood boiling! What the hell is she doing? Why can't she keep her hands off him? They're in a public place! Hello! That flirt!
Okay, well, I did say that I'm going to move on but that's like a minute ago! I have just decided and successfully motivated myself to do so! I haven't moved on, I haven't even started so I do feel that I still have the right to feel this way. Why did he have to bring her here? As much as I know Gil, he doesn't like to mix his personal life with work, so I'm betting this is her idea.
I'm still frozen to where I'm standing watching her talk to Greg, Sara, Warrick and Nick who just approached them. Gil is standing right next to her; none of them seem to notice my presence, which is a very good thing.
"Oh hello Catherine!"
Oh fuck she saw me.
"Hi Wendy!" I greeted her with a smile. I never knew smiling could be this hard.
I walked nearer to her to give her a hand shake, then she hugged me as if I'm a friend of hers. Aww, that's sweet of her. She's really nice and friendly, no wonder Grissom likes her. And honestly, I'm beginning to like her, and I still hate her at the same time. Oh god, I'm screwed!
We all sat down, and of course she's sitting right next Grissom. I see her hands fiddling with his. Then she started chatting with everyone. Now, she's looking at me asking me stuff.
"So Catherine, um. How old is your daughter?"
"Lindsey is nine."
I replied with a smile at the mention of my daughter's name.
Jealous of the one who won your heart
they say it's a perfect match
She's gonna get to be where you are
and I don't get better than that
"Oh there's Brass, come on, I'll introduce you to him" I watched as Gil stood up and led Wendy by the hallway to introduce her to Brass.
"They look nice together" I heard Sara commented.
Of all people! Oh god Sara you have disappointed me!! You are the least of the people I would expect that comment from.
Besides the fact that you use to have a thing for Gris which would probably be one of the reasons why I'm gonna expect that you wouldn't comment like that about him and some other woman you have just met five minutes ago.
Sara, you are supposed to be on my side!
Well, yes. Maybe we aren't the best of friends but still! You're supposed to be on my side here not hers!!
"Yeah they do" I heard Nick agreed.
Oh damn Nick, I so want to kill you right now!!
"I don't think so" Greg argued, everybody looked at him.
I really love this kid!
"Well, I don't know. They do look nice together, and that's it. I think something's missing"
"What do you mean?" Warrick asked.
"Like, when you see Nick and Sara. They don't just look nice together. There's this something."
"Wait, wait, wait! Me and Nick!"
"Unless you prefer it to be me and you" replied Greg
And before Sara could reply Wendy and Gil came back to the room. Thank god Nicky's at the other side of the room away from Greg, or else Greg would be dead by now.
As I stopped watching Nick giving dagger looks to Greg, I glance at Wendy who is whispering something to Gil. Why does she have to keep on whispering stuff? Why can't she just go drag Gris somewhere outside and they could talk there! Why do they have to show it to me?
My mind goes in to outer space trying to erase the images of me kicking that woman's ass and having Gil to myself. I've been so engross to trying to have myself control the next thing I knew Wendy's calling for my attention. So I glanced at her and smiled.
She'll say you're fine
Whisper words I wish were mine
And they might have been
If I had been there
Wendy kept on talking to me, I secretly elbow Warrick from the side. I just hope he gets my message!
Help Warrick! Help!
"Uh. Wendy. Excuse me, I just have to talk to Catherine"
Thank you Warrick!!
Warrick and I stood up; we walked out the break room and to the hallway. I leaned my back to the wall and sighed.
"Thank you so much!"
"Are you okay?"
"I was sitting three feet away from the woman who's been publicly displaying her affection to the man I wish is mine. So yes, I am okay!"
"So what do you want to do now?"
"I want to move on. And I can't decide to move on now and stare at that woman cuddling to him! Oh god. I just want to have some air."
"Cath if you're trying to move on this would really be a great opportunity"
"What do you mean?"
"Well if you move pass this now, then you can reassure yourself that you're strong enough to move on."
"That's the problem! I don't think I'm strong enough."
"I thought you said you've decided to move on?"
"Yah. But baby steps!"
"Well you just have to make one elephant step now then you can go back to your baby steps"
"One elephant step?"
"One elephant step"
I look at him unsure.
"You can do it"
"I can't do this"
"Yes you can"
"No I can't"
"Why don't you just look at the bright side?"
"There's a bright side?!!"
Warrick rolled his eyes.
"There's always a bright side on everything"
I think he'll be loosing his patience anytime soon. "Okay. Okay!" I replied, as we both head back to the break room.
Bright side. Bright side. Bright side ...
You know I'd fight the good fight
If I thought I'd change your mind
But if she makes you happy
I would leave that dream behind
What the hell! What bright side was he talking about? Sure there's all the bright side for that woman holding Gil's hands, but for me...
I glance at everybody as Warrick went in; I'm still standing by the doorway. I see Gil smile at something Wendy said.
Well, he's smiling, he looks happy. I guess that's all the bright side I'm going to need.
I don't want to think. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to fight.
It's enough. I've felt enough. I've had enough.
I've hurt too much. And that's enough. I'm moving on, he's moving on... with her.
I know how many times I've decided on so many things.
I decided and convinced myself that no I'm not falling for him. But I was wrong.
I decided and convinced myself that no this cannot be happening so I have to stop from loving him. But I was wrong again.
I decided and convinced myself that I have to tell him no matter what. And again I was wrong.
Now I'm deciding that I have to move on. He is happy. I know I'm not wrong.
Now I'm deciding that I have to let go. I know I'm not wrong.
This time, I know all my decisions on letting go and moving on is right.
I'm moving on.
I'm letting go.
He is happy.
I'd survive.
I made all this decisions. I thought about all this things. I convince myself with all of this as I stare at Wendy's finger, the finger ...
The finger where she wears a diamond engagement ring.
Man, she better treat you right
And give you everything
Cause at the moment she doesn't
I'll be waiting in the wings
