Disclaimer: CSI- ain't mine, the song ain't mine either
Spoiler: doubt it!
A/N: The song I used here is 'Before I let you go' by a Filipino Band named Freestyle. I always seem to forget to mention that I have no beta here so all mistakes are my fault ... please forgive me! And I hope you'll like this ... enjoy!
Chapter nine: Before I let you go
I can still remember yesterday We were so in love in a special way And knowing that you love me Make me feel all so right
I wave goodbye to Grissom and Wendy. Last night Grissom told me and the whole team that they are getting married. And now they came over to my house because Wendy wanted to personally invite me. Invite me for their wedding. And Grissom came over to tell me part of their plans, I'm not really sure why he even bothered telling me that stuff but he said something about me being such a close friend.
He and Wendy will be going to Canada next week. Gil's going to look for work there, then they are going to buy a house for the two of them since Wendy's place isn't big enough for both of them, then they're going to do the preparations for the wedding which will be held in Canada.
They also came here to ask me to be the maid-of-honor.
I would be the maid-of-honor in Gil Grissom's wedding.
And could anybody please tell me why I have to be the maid-of-honor? I want to be the BRIDE for god's sake!! But well, bride or not, I'm still expected to show up at the wedding, Wendy said she wants me to be the maid-of-honor since I'm the closest person to Gil so she wants me to play a big part in the wedding. And though it is against my will I gladly said yes.
And you know, this whole thing is familiar to me. You know that movie? It's titled 'My best friend's wedding' starring the famous Julia Roberts. I loved that movie, but I didn't really realize how hard it must have been for her back then, now I do. She told him about her feelings the last minute, but it didn't turn out as happy as expected. In the end, she just had to accept it. So I'd just cut to chase and just go to the accepting part, I mean, I for one am no Julia Roberts so how could I win my best friend over if even Julia can't? But then again Wendy is no Cameron Diaz either.
I can't keep doing this to myself!
I ignored my feelings. Then I realize, then I deny, then I stall on when I'm telling him, then I go and decide to tell him then I found out he's with someone else then I tell myself to move on, then I get jealous, again I try to motivate myself to accept it and now here I am ... again analyzing my self and my feelings.
In the end, I always come back to the original plan. To just forget about it, but I can't. I've been trying to, and it's just so hard!
I am so in love with him. I know he loves me too. But I know that his love for me isn't anywhere near the kind of love I have for him. But I'm not really sure about that.
Who am I kidding? 'Not really sure about that' - - I'm wishful thinking again!
Warrick told me before that it's very obvious that Grissom has feelings for me. Maybe he does, but that doesn't matter now. He's getting married so clearly it is she who he loves not me. And whatever that is that he might have felt for me before she came back, it doesn't matter anymore.
I love him. That's why I'm letting him go.
Now that's the mantra I'm looking for!
I love him. That's why I'm letting him go. I love him. That's why I'm letting him go. I love him. That's why I'm letting him go.
I am so glad that Linds is staying at my sister's right now. I would hate myself forever if I let my daughter see me like this. Oh God, I'm feeling dizzy. This is probably caused by the amount of alcohol I've drank, I lost count at number nine ... I'm gonna doze off ...
But now I feel lost Don't know what to do Each and everyday I think of you Holding back the tears And try it with all my might Because it's gonna left me standing all alone
Oh God! My head hurts!! Damn hangover! But, well, a girl's got to work! All I need is one cup of steaming coffee and I'm all set. Trust me, if I don't show up at work and stay here tonight I'm going to be all pathetic again so, I better head off.
Did you know, that it is really very hard to concentrate on driving and holding back your tears at the same time? Well it is. I find it really hard to focus on the road with blurry eyes and an even more difficult task to think on where I'm going while you try to hold back your tears. The route to CSI building is the same route I've been taking for years, so this is the first time that I find it hard, and what bothers me most is the fact that it doesn't surprise me. I've been having hard time on everything in my life right now.
I had an addiction to cocaine. I was a stripper. I had an abusive husband. I got a divorce. My ex-husband died. I blew up the lab. I found out that my father was a murderer. And now this. You would think that after everything I've gone through a heartbreak is got to be the least of the things I would find difficulty on dealing with, and you know what? That's what I thought so too. But that was before.
I never knew loving could be this painful. Even when I was with Eddie. I've never felt hurt this way. Probably coz when I was with Eddie, I felt a mixture of pain and hate for him plus I had Gil with me. Now, now I'm all alone. I have to face it all alone. Besides that, it's also probably because I didn't love Eddie as much as I love Gil. I've never loved anyone like this ... well, besides my daughter.
Look I'm here! I have safely arrived to the office! Horray for me!
Hmm. Well, I'm half - hour early, I hope Greg made coffee. Gil and I really love his coffee. Oh man, and there's that name again! Why can I not think of him even for a minute?
Oh, and I just have to ask that huh? Like I don't know why!
And I know I've got to face tomorrow on my own But baby before I let you go I want to say I love you I hope that you're listening coz it's true You'll be forever in my heart And I know that no one else will do So before I let you go I want to say.... I love you
Mmmm. This is one good coffee! I came in the break room just in time for the freshly made coffee!
"Hey!"
"Oh hey Warrick!"
"You look a little groggy"
"I have a little hang-over"
"You got drunk?"
I just nodded.
"Why don't you talk to me?"
"Huh?"
"Tell me how you feel. It would really help if you say it all out"
"Well Warrick. What I feel right now. Is too painful for words"
Warrick looks at me, I can see he feels pity for me, but more than that he's blaming himself that he can't do anything. Honestly, he has done a lot already, he's such a great friend, I don't know what I ever did to have a friend like him.
"Don't worry Warrick. I found a way on how to get it all out"
"How?"
"Through songs."
With that one last reply, I left the break room and headed to the rest room.
I wasn't lying. I've been listening to music as I drink vodka. I even hum myself to sleep. Some people write poems to let their feelings out, me I've been dedicating songs to myself, to Gil and to what I feel these past few nights.
Songs at the end of the day are all just a bunch of emotions. Every song has a meaning, every song has a feeling.
And every feeling sings a song.
Every person has this one song about themselves. I'd say the song I'm singing about myself my whole life is 'I will survive'.
Besides that, there's also this song that we sing for the people in our lives.
No I don't mean it literally! But seriously. Every one of us, we have that one song, that song when we hear reminds us of someone...
Unfortunately, the songs I'm singing to Gil... well let's just say, the meaning isn't as nice as it's melody.
I wish that we could be just like before I know that I could have given you so much more Even though you know I get that you are my love I miss your smile I miss your kiss Each and everyday I reminisce Coz baby it's you that I'm always dreaming of
Hmmm. I just wish I never realized how much I love him.
I just wish I never realized that I love him.
I just wish I never loved him.
Then maybe I could be happy for him. Then maybe I would not be this lonely. Then maybe we would be just like before. Friends.
What am I saying? We are friends. That's what I'm so sad about. We are friends ... nothing more. Our friendship never changed. It's me who has changed. We did have some trials in our friendship, we started to drift apart but like what he said, we'll be fine. And we were, we became fine, even better than fine. But now, all I hope is that we never became fine, or that we were given more time before we became as good as we were several years before ... then maybe I wouldn't love him as much as I do now.
Shift starts in a few minutes. I better get back to the break room.
"Nick you're with Cath. You two have a Home invasion. Warrick, Sara you two are with me. We have a multiple homicide Oh and Cath, take Greg with you."
"Okay. Come on Nick let's go." I said as I stood up. I just want to leave that room, I just want to be far away from Gil. I'm hurting so much inside, and the fact that he acts so normal just hurts even more.
This is all my fault. I'm hurting so much and it's all my fault! I don't get myself. I know I have to move on, I want to move on, but it's just hard. I bet I'll be emotionless, if ever I get past all the pain I'm feeling right now.
"Nick, you drive!"
"You sure?"
I nodded. I don't think I can drive the three of us to safety if my mind is like this. I have to sort things out. I have to forget about this, even for just a night!
"Okay, we're here" I heard Nick announced.
"Nick do the interview, Greg and I will be inside" I said as we went out the car.
Okay Catherine, no more heart aches, no pathetic thoughts, no analyzing of yourself. You're in a crime scene, so you have to be in work mode!
Because it's gonna left me standing all alone And I know I've got to face tomorrow on my own But baby before I let you go I want to say I love you I hope that you're listening coz it's true You'll be forever in my heart And I know that no one else will do
It's been almost a week since I saw Sara, Warrick and Gil. The three of them has been very busy on the case. So here I am, stuck to paperwork that and to Nick practicing his speech for Sara while Greg mocks him pretending that he's Sara. It's really sweet and all, but all those words about love that he keeps on saying just brings me pain. I almost got tears in my eyes with Nick's words but Greg's response and facial expression just brought me to fits of laughter.
"I love you Sara" came Nick's last words
"Oh, I love you too Nicky!!!" Greg responded with a high-pitched voice.
"Hahahaha!!!! Could you two please stop it! You guys are killing me!" I said as I try to catch my breath
"Stop laughing Cath! And Greg please! Just .... STOP!"
I laughed more, and so did Greg. Nick started chuckling. As the three of us stopped on laughing ..
"I can't believe the boss is getting married." Greg said out of the blue.
Why did he have to remind me of that?
"Me either."
"What is so unbelievable on Gil getting married?" I asked, I feel as if it's an insult that they find it unbelievable that Grissom is getting married. Not because he seems to be cold and very private doesn't mean he can't feel and that no woman would find him as the man of her dreams.
What am I doing? I don't need to defend him or myself for that matter. Oh, me and my love for the damn bastard! So pathetic... yet so true ...
Enough Catherine! Enough!!
"Well it's not that. It's just that, well.." Greg trailed off, Nick continued for him,
"Don't get mad at us okay, it's just that we always thought that you two had a thing"
"A thing?" I asked incredulously
"It was just a thought." Nick and Greg said in unison. I watch them as both of them hurriedly exited the room.
Hmm. A thing. Well, I just wish.
And that's as far as it can be ... a wish
Just a wish.
So before I let you go I want to say....I love you
Spending alone is never easy But I love you so that's why I set you free And I know someday, somehow I'll find a way To leave it all behind me Guess it wasn't meant to be my baby..
Here I am, sitting in my car in front of the airport. What am I doing here? This is all Warrick's fault!! But I guess he is right though.
He's leaving, he's going to Canada with her. He hasn't resigned yet, but he will. And I'm here coz I have to tell him.
Just for the sake of telling him.
I wouldn't ask him to love me too. I wouldn't even want him to reply. I just want him to know. I don't expect that he'll say I love you too. I don't expect that he'll leave her and cancel the wedding. I have no intentions of doing so, I just need to get it out. And that's it. I just have to tell him then we can go back to being friends.
How? I don't know. But I know it will be easier to be friends again once I tell him I love him instead of avoiding him. He loves her, I love him. I get that, I just need to tell him, he's a smart man, he'd understand.
"Gil!" I called as I ran near him.
"Oh, hey Cath"
"Um. Where's Wendy?"
"She's in the rest room."
"I have to talk to you"
Gil glanced at his watch. "Can't it wait?"
"Well –"
"I'll just call you once I get there, okay?"
"No, Gil I have to tell you this now!"
'CALLING ALL PASSENGERS FLIGHT 109 TO CANADA'
"My flight is being called" he said
"Gil honey!" I heard as Wendy shouted from a far.
He glanced at her. Wendy did some sign that she'll go in and that she'd just wait for him inside the plane.
"Gil – "
"Cath, were having a baby"
"Uh- wha- um. A. –a-a a baby?" I stammered
"Yea, we are having baby."
"Oh. Um. Ah. Congratulations"
"Okay see you when I come back okay. Bye!"
"I love you Gil. I love you so much" finally I said it.
I said it.
I said it, as I watch him ran away from me and to the plane.
I said it. But he didn't hear it.
I said it.
I said it.
Too late.
Before I let you go I want to say.......... I love you.
=TBC=
Spoiler: doubt it!
A/N: The song I used here is 'Before I let you go' by a Filipino Band named Freestyle. I always seem to forget to mention that I have no beta here so all mistakes are my fault ... please forgive me! And I hope you'll like this ... enjoy!
Chapter nine: Before I let you go
I can still remember yesterday We were so in love in a special way And knowing that you love me Make me feel all so right
I wave goodbye to Grissom and Wendy. Last night Grissom told me and the whole team that they are getting married. And now they came over to my house because Wendy wanted to personally invite me. Invite me for their wedding. And Grissom came over to tell me part of their plans, I'm not really sure why he even bothered telling me that stuff but he said something about me being such a close friend.
He and Wendy will be going to Canada next week. Gil's going to look for work there, then they are going to buy a house for the two of them since Wendy's place isn't big enough for both of them, then they're going to do the preparations for the wedding which will be held in Canada.
They also came here to ask me to be the maid-of-honor.
I would be the maid-of-honor in Gil Grissom's wedding.
And could anybody please tell me why I have to be the maid-of-honor? I want to be the BRIDE for god's sake!! But well, bride or not, I'm still expected to show up at the wedding, Wendy said she wants me to be the maid-of-honor since I'm the closest person to Gil so she wants me to play a big part in the wedding. And though it is against my will I gladly said yes.
And you know, this whole thing is familiar to me. You know that movie? It's titled 'My best friend's wedding' starring the famous Julia Roberts. I loved that movie, but I didn't really realize how hard it must have been for her back then, now I do. She told him about her feelings the last minute, but it didn't turn out as happy as expected. In the end, she just had to accept it. So I'd just cut to chase and just go to the accepting part, I mean, I for one am no Julia Roberts so how could I win my best friend over if even Julia can't? But then again Wendy is no Cameron Diaz either.
I can't keep doing this to myself!
I ignored my feelings. Then I realize, then I deny, then I stall on when I'm telling him, then I go and decide to tell him then I found out he's with someone else then I tell myself to move on, then I get jealous, again I try to motivate myself to accept it and now here I am ... again analyzing my self and my feelings.
In the end, I always come back to the original plan. To just forget about it, but I can't. I've been trying to, and it's just so hard!
I am so in love with him. I know he loves me too. But I know that his love for me isn't anywhere near the kind of love I have for him. But I'm not really sure about that.
Who am I kidding? 'Not really sure about that' - - I'm wishful thinking again!
Warrick told me before that it's very obvious that Grissom has feelings for me. Maybe he does, but that doesn't matter now. He's getting married so clearly it is she who he loves not me. And whatever that is that he might have felt for me before she came back, it doesn't matter anymore.
I love him. That's why I'm letting him go.
Now that's the mantra I'm looking for!
I love him. That's why I'm letting him go. I love him. That's why I'm letting him go. I love him. That's why I'm letting him go.
I am so glad that Linds is staying at my sister's right now. I would hate myself forever if I let my daughter see me like this. Oh God, I'm feeling dizzy. This is probably caused by the amount of alcohol I've drank, I lost count at number nine ... I'm gonna doze off ...
But now I feel lost Don't know what to do Each and everyday I think of you Holding back the tears And try it with all my might Because it's gonna left me standing all alone
Oh God! My head hurts!! Damn hangover! But, well, a girl's got to work! All I need is one cup of steaming coffee and I'm all set. Trust me, if I don't show up at work and stay here tonight I'm going to be all pathetic again so, I better head off.
Did you know, that it is really very hard to concentrate on driving and holding back your tears at the same time? Well it is. I find it really hard to focus on the road with blurry eyes and an even more difficult task to think on where I'm going while you try to hold back your tears. The route to CSI building is the same route I've been taking for years, so this is the first time that I find it hard, and what bothers me most is the fact that it doesn't surprise me. I've been having hard time on everything in my life right now.
I had an addiction to cocaine. I was a stripper. I had an abusive husband. I got a divorce. My ex-husband died. I blew up the lab. I found out that my father was a murderer. And now this. You would think that after everything I've gone through a heartbreak is got to be the least of the things I would find difficulty on dealing with, and you know what? That's what I thought so too. But that was before.
I never knew loving could be this painful. Even when I was with Eddie. I've never felt hurt this way. Probably coz when I was with Eddie, I felt a mixture of pain and hate for him plus I had Gil with me. Now, now I'm all alone. I have to face it all alone. Besides that, it's also probably because I didn't love Eddie as much as I love Gil. I've never loved anyone like this ... well, besides my daughter.
Look I'm here! I have safely arrived to the office! Horray for me!
Hmm. Well, I'm half - hour early, I hope Greg made coffee. Gil and I really love his coffee. Oh man, and there's that name again! Why can I not think of him even for a minute?
Oh, and I just have to ask that huh? Like I don't know why!
And I know I've got to face tomorrow on my own But baby before I let you go I want to say I love you I hope that you're listening coz it's true You'll be forever in my heart And I know that no one else will do So before I let you go I want to say.... I love you
Mmmm. This is one good coffee! I came in the break room just in time for the freshly made coffee!
"Hey!"
"Oh hey Warrick!"
"You look a little groggy"
"I have a little hang-over"
"You got drunk?"
I just nodded.
"Why don't you talk to me?"
"Huh?"
"Tell me how you feel. It would really help if you say it all out"
"Well Warrick. What I feel right now. Is too painful for words"
Warrick looks at me, I can see he feels pity for me, but more than that he's blaming himself that he can't do anything. Honestly, he has done a lot already, he's such a great friend, I don't know what I ever did to have a friend like him.
"Don't worry Warrick. I found a way on how to get it all out"
"How?"
"Through songs."
With that one last reply, I left the break room and headed to the rest room.
I wasn't lying. I've been listening to music as I drink vodka. I even hum myself to sleep. Some people write poems to let their feelings out, me I've been dedicating songs to myself, to Gil and to what I feel these past few nights.
Songs at the end of the day are all just a bunch of emotions. Every song has a meaning, every song has a feeling.
And every feeling sings a song.
Every person has this one song about themselves. I'd say the song I'm singing about myself my whole life is 'I will survive'.
Besides that, there's also this song that we sing for the people in our lives.
No I don't mean it literally! But seriously. Every one of us, we have that one song, that song when we hear reminds us of someone...
Unfortunately, the songs I'm singing to Gil... well let's just say, the meaning isn't as nice as it's melody.
I wish that we could be just like before I know that I could have given you so much more Even though you know I get that you are my love I miss your smile I miss your kiss Each and everyday I reminisce Coz baby it's you that I'm always dreaming of
Hmmm. I just wish I never realized how much I love him.
I just wish I never realized that I love him.
I just wish I never loved him.
Then maybe I could be happy for him. Then maybe I would not be this lonely. Then maybe we would be just like before. Friends.
What am I saying? We are friends. That's what I'm so sad about. We are friends ... nothing more. Our friendship never changed. It's me who has changed. We did have some trials in our friendship, we started to drift apart but like what he said, we'll be fine. And we were, we became fine, even better than fine. But now, all I hope is that we never became fine, or that we were given more time before we became as good as we were several years before ... then maybe I wouldn't love him as much as I do now.
Shift starts in a few minutes. I better get back to the break room.
"Nick you're with Cath. You two have a Home invasion. Warrick, Sara you two are with me. We have a multiple homicide Oh and Cath, take Greg with you."
"Okay. Come on Nick let's go." I said as I stood up. I just want to leave that room, I just want to be far away from Gil. I'm hurting so much inside, and the fact that he acts so normal just hurts even more.
This is all my fault. I'm hurting so much and it's all my fault! I don't get myself. I know I have to move on, I want to move on, but it's just hard. I bet I'll be emotionless, if ever I get past all the pain I'm feeling right now.
"Nick, you drive!"
"You sure?"
I nodded. I don't think I can drive the three of us to safety if my mind is like this. I have to sort things out. I have to forget about this, even for just a night!
"Okay, we're here" I heard Nick announced.
"Nick do the interview, Greg and I will be inside" I said as we went out the car.
Okay Catherine, no more heart aches, no pathetic thoughts, no analyzing of yourself. You're in a crime scene, so you have to be in work mode!
Because it's gonna left me standing all alone And I know I've got to face tomorrow on my own But baby before I let you go I want to say I love you I hope that you're listening coz it's true You'll be forever in my heart And I know that no one else will do
It's been almost a week since I saw Sara, Warrick and Gil. The three of them has been very busy on the case. So here I am, stuck to paperwork that and to Nick practicing his speech for Sara while Greg mocks him pretending that he's Sara. It's really sweet and all, but all those words about love that he keeps on saying just brings me pain. I almost got tears in my eyes with Nick's words but Greg's response and facial expression just brought me to fits of laughter.
"I love you Sara" came Nick's last words
"Oh, I love you too Nicky!!!" Greg responded with a high-pitched voice.
"Hahahaha!!!! Could you two please stop it! You guys are killing me!" I said as I try to catch my breath
"Stop laughing Cath! And Greg please! Just .... STOP!"
I laughed more, and so did Greg. Nick started chuckling. As the three of us stopped on laughing ..
"I can't believe the boss is getting married." Greg said out of the blue.
Why did he have to remind me of that?
"Me either."
"What is so unbelievable on Gil getting married?" I asked, I feel as if it's an insult that they find it unbelievable that Grissom is getting married. Not because he seems to be cold and very private doesn't mean he can't feel and that no woman would find him as the man of her dreams.
What am I doing? I don't need to defend him or myself for that matter. Oh, me and my love for the damn bastard! So pathetic... yet so true ...
Enough Catherine! Enough!!
"Well it's not that. It's just that, well.." Greg trailed off, Nick continued for him,
"Don't get mad at us okay, it's just that we always thought that you two had a thing"
"A thing?" I asked incredulously
"It was just a thought." Nick and Greg said in unison. I watch them as both of them hurriedly exited the room.
Hmm. A thing. Well, I just wish.
And that's as far as it can be ... a wish
Just a wish.
So before I let you go I want to say....I love you
Spending alone is never easy But I love you so that's why I set you free And I know someday, somehow I'll find a way To leave it all behind me Guess it wasn't meant to be my baby..
Here I am, sitting in my car in front of the airport. What am I doing here? This is all Warrick's fault!! But I guess he is right though.
He's leaving, he's going to Canada with her. He hasn't resigned yet, but he will. And I'm here coz I have to tell him.
Just for the sake of telling him.
I wouldn't ask him to love me too. I wouldn't even want him to reply. I just want him to know. I don't expect that he'll say I love you too. I don't expect that he'll leave her and cancel the wedding. I have no intentions of doing so, I just need to get it out. And that's it. I just have to tell him then we can go back to being friends.
How? I don't know. But I know it will be easier to be friends again once I tell him I love him instead of avoiding him. He loves her, I love him. I get that, I just need to tell him, he's a smart man, he'd understand.
"Gil!" I called as I ran near him.
"Oh, hey Cath"
"Um. Where's Wendy?"
"She's in the rest room."
"I have to talk to you"
Gil glanced at his watch. "Can't it wait?"
"Well –"
"I'll just call you once I get there, okay?"
"No, Gil I have to tell you this now!"
'CALLING ALL PASSENGERS FLIGHT 109 TO CANADA'
"My flight is being called" he said
"Gil honey!" I heard as Wendy shouted from a far.
He glanced at her. Wendy did some sign that she'll go in and that she'd just wait for him inside the plane.
"Gil – "
"Cath, were having a baby"
"Uh- wha- um. A. –a-a a baby?" I stammered
"Yea, we are having baby."
"Oh. Um. Ah. Congratulations"
"Okay see you when I come back okay. Bye!"
"I love you Gil. I love you so much" finally I said it.
I said it.
I said it, as I watch him ran away from me and to the plane.
I said it. But he didn't hear it.
I said it.
I said it.
Too late.
Before I let you go I want to say.......... I love you.
=TBC=
