Part 10
The house was sparkling, a product of a week-long cleaning marathon. It was strange. She hated cleaning, all the scrubbing, washing, dust, and dirt. But there seemed to be little else to do, and it kept her mind busy. Which was extremely necessary. Lorne told her it was an escape mechanism, merely a method to avoid facing reality. He was right, of course. Just because she knew that, though, didn't mean she could stop doing it. The truth was that she just wasn't ready to face reality yet. Who would be in her situation? Recently dead brother. Best friend turning against her. Mental breakdown. A house she couldn't keep. And an ex-boyfriend wanting another chance. Yes, avoidance was definitely the term of the moment, or rather the week.
One week had passed since the night on her porch spent talking to Angel. She hadn't seen him since then, but he called once a day to make sure everything was okay and to see if she needed anything. Nothing else came up in the short, yet friendly, conversations. And for that she was glad. There was just too much going on, too many changes, problems, and worries for her to be thinking about Angel.
Unfortunately, her brain couldn't seem to obey that order. When she wasn't having one of her sporadic crying fits – which Lorne assured her were perfectly healthy - or scrubbing the bathroom tiles, or scolding Argyle for rolling on the living room carpet that she'd just vacuumed, she was thinking of Angel. She'd had a week to ponder all that he'd told her. Despite the time she'd spent on the subject, Buffy was no closer to knowing what to do about it.
With a cross between a growl and a sigh, Buffy flopped back against one of the floor cabinets in the kitchen. The knob on the cabinet door she was trying to fix just wasn't cooperating. She winced when her head hit the hard wood and her eyes closed as she released a deep, frustrated breath. She didn't know what to do about anything. For the first time in forever, she was alone and solely responsible for everything. It petrified her beyond words. There were so many things she needed to figure out and she didn't know what to do about any of them; the house, the bills, her future, Angel.
Angel.
And here she was back to him again. If there was one thing Buffy was glad for, it was that he was doing as she'd requested: giving her time and space. The downside was that during that time she'd yet to come to a solution. The only thing she did know was that she understood now what had happened three years earlier. Finally, it all made sense. For so long it had been a mystery to her, but now she knew. All the pieces had been filled in, and the puzzled completed, but the complication remained. What did she want to do? What did knowing mean? Where were they to go from here? She didn't know.
All she knew was the 'why'; why he'd dumped her, why their relationship had vanished in the blink of an eye. She understood why it had happened. She could almost accept it. His dream job had been threatened, and doubts had been placed in his head by others. She could comprehend the confusion, the swirling indecision, the feeling of being out of control. Yes, she could grasp that concept. But that didn't mean she condoned his actions. It just meant she understood them.
"Ugh," she groaned, banging her head several times against the wooden cabinet door.
It felt like her brain was overloading. There was just too much going on inside her head. At that moment, something Lorne had said in their last session echoed in her mind.
"You have to take care of yourself first, Sunshine. You have to let your heart heal, and deal with what's important. Whatever's left, it can wait."
The fact of the matter was that she wasn't ready to deal with Angel yet, not when there were so many other things to deal with, and her heart still ached every second of the day over Oz's death. Lorne was right; she needed time to let her heart heal, and to take care of more important issues like getting back to work and contacting a real estate agent about selling the house. And then, once she did that, there would be finding an apartment and moving and whatever else came up. There just wasn't time, or the capacity, to deal with Angel yet. Still, despite realizing this, Buffy knew she had to at least do something about him on a smaller level.
Angel's apartment, unlike Buffy's house, was in a state of disarray which, when you considered he had a month off from work, was rather despicable. He wasn't a messy person by nature; he just had other things on his mind. So there were dirty dishes in the kitchen sink, a pile of laundry on his bedroom floor, and several pizza boxes and quite a few beers cans on his coffee table. He tried not to think about the disorder too much - which wasn't hard. His mind was constantly on Buffy. She needed time. He could give her that. But, damn, the wait was killing him.
Pushing Buffy was the last thing he wanted to do. And when he thought back on it, laying it all on the line for her like he had done had probably been the wrong thing to do, at least at that moment. He should have waited, but she'd asked so he'd answered. There wasn't anything he could do about it now.
A knock sounding on his door drew Angel out of his brooding. He contemplated not answering. It was probably just Xander with another pizza box to add to his growing collection. Angel got up anyway. If he didn't answer, Xander would just keep knocking.
Swinging open the door, surprise lit Angel's eyes.
"Buffy," he said in what sounded like a squeak.
"Hey," she greeted, nervously twining her fingers together. "Mind if I come in?"
"Oh." He looked back at his messy apartment. Nothing he could do about that now. "Yeah, sure."
"Thanks." Buffy walked into the room, curiously studying her surroundings. She'd never been inside it before. Her eyes landed on the coffee table. Yup, definitely a guy's apartment. "Pizza and beer?"
Angel shrugged sheepishly and quickly gathered up the cans. After dumping them in the kitchen, he returned to the living room where Buffy was checking out his entertainment center. "Xander came over the other night," he explained the mess.
Buffy laughed, shaking her head, knowing all too well her friend's habits. "You've got a nice place."
"Thanks." Leaning against the wall, Angel studied Buffy. She looked much better than she had two weeks before. Her coloring was better, and she'd put some weight back on. He was happy to see that she was getting back on her feet. "You look good."
"I'm trying." And she was. Per Lorne's orders, she was eating more and trying to sleep. It didn't always work, but she was trying. And it was getting less hard. Each day seemed to be a little easier to face.
"If you ever need anything, all you have to do is ask." He'd already offered plenty of times, but once more couldn't hurt.
"Thanks, I will," she accepted. Wandering around the room a bit more, Buffy attempted to think of what to say to him, but nothing came to mind. Finally, she just decided to say what she'd come to say. "About what you asked me...I just can't do it." Damn, she hadn't meant to be that blunt.
The words struck like a five hundred pound drum landing on Angel's heart. She couldn't forgive him, couldn't give him another chance. Any hope he had shattered into tiny little razor sharp shards that slashed at his very core.
"Okay," he mumbled, trying to find the easiest way to slink out of the room and away from her. He just couldn't look at her and not hurt.
"Wait, Angel." Buffy rushed after him and grabbed his arm. "Let me explain."
"No, that's okay." He tried to pull away from her, but she held strong.
"Damnit, Angel!" she yelled, pushing her body between him and the doorway to the kitchen. "Listen to me." Giving up at getting away, Angel remained still, but kept his eyes focused on the wall behind her. "I said I can't do it," she began. "What I meant is I can't do it now."
Seeing that Angel was indeed listening to her, Buffy walked away a few steps and leaned a hip on the edge of the couch. This would have been much easier if she'd just written a letter or used the phone. "I know that's not what you wanted to hear," she went on. "But it's the only answer I can give you."
"I understand," he nodded solemnly, willing himself to remain calm.
"I'm not saying I won't ever be able to...to...to try again, but right now, there are too many other things I need to focus on. I need to get my life in order before I can consider anything else." And that was the It of it, she thought to herself. Now it was just up to Angel to understand.
A little spark of hope renewed in Angel. There was still a chance. He wished it was now, but he recognized her need to put her life back together. She'd been through so much; it made sense that relationships were the last thing on her mind. And if she needed weeks, months, or even a year to settle in, then he would give it to her.
Angel gave her a tentative smile, and took a step closer. "Okay, I can understand that."Some of the tension that had been coiling in Buffy's stomach released. She could tell he really meant what he said. "Thank you." She returned the smile. "There is something I would like, though."
"Anything," he promised.
"I would like us to be friends," she requested. "I miss having you in my life."
Angel didn't hesitate in answering. "I would really like that." He stepped up to Buffy, wanting to hug her, but he swiftly realized that it might not be welcome. "Can I...?"
"Of course." She opened her arms and allowed him to step into them. She couldn't deny that it felt so right to be held by him. And she was so relieved that he was willing to start off simple. It took so much pressure off her. Before she could stop them, a few tears were falling down her cheeks. Angel simply held her, and allowed her to release some of the simmering emotions.
"I'm sorry," she apologized, brushing away the moisture. "I seem to cry a lot lately."
"There's nothing wrong with that," he assured her.
"That's what Lorne said." Buffy rolled her eyes, all the while hating feeling like such a girl. "There's just so much to try and figure out."
"Are you still planning to sell the house?" he asked with an arm around her shoulder, leading her to the couch.
"It's the only thing I can do." It still pained her to think about selling, but there really was no other choice.
The two settled into the couch, talking in a way they hadn't been able to do in so long. It was a comfort to them both, being able to put the past behind them finally, and to try to regain the closeness, as friends, they'd once had.
Buffy grumbled to herself as she flopped onto the couch next to Argyle. The golden retriever lifted his head and eyed Buffy in annoyance for disturbing his nap. She stared back, daring him to yap or bark. Submitting, the dog lay his head back down, more interested in sleeping than anything else.
Meanwhile, Buffy found herself incredibly bored. Normally, she would watch some TV, either channel surfing or watching a movie. Unfortunately, she no longer had a TV thanks to her little meltdown over two weeks ago. She'd broken the old one, and really didn't have the money for a new one. So she would just have to find something else to do.
Thankfully, Angel and Xander were on their way over. Angel had called and said there was something he and Xander wanted to talk to her about. He wouldn't say what, just that they wanted to talk. So she'd just have to wait.Not knowing what else to do, Buffy settled for lounging on the couch, stroking Argyle's fur. The simple act tugged at her heart. Argyle was Oz's dog. But now he was hers. It stung in a big way. And it was also a comfort. She still had a little piece of her brother through his dog.
The doorbell rang, dragging Buffy from her thoughts. She patted Argyle on the head before getting up and walking to the door. As expected, Angel and Xander were waiting on the other side.
"Hey guys, come on in," she greeted, gesturing for them to enter.
The two walked in and went into the living room. Xander immediately noticed the difference between Buffy and Angel. The tension between them was virtually gone. They seemed much more comfortable in each other's presence. It was a relief to him to know that they were working toward rebuilding what had been lost.
"So...what's up?" she asked once they were settled on the couch, Argyle between them.
Angel looked to Xander, who nodded for him to speak. "Okay...well, Xander and I were talking, and we don't want you to have to sell the house."
"Angel," Buffy sighed, sitting on the coffee table in front of them. "We talked about this last night. It's what I have to do. I can't afford to keep it."
"I know, but I have an idea," Angel quickly interjected. Before Buffy could question him, he continued. "Xander is looking to move out of his apartment."
"Yeah," Xander added. "The guy upstairs has three dogs, and two cats. It's a zoo with all the barking and cat stink. I don't think he cleans."
"Umm, okay. And this has to do with me how?" Buffy asked pensively.
"He could move in here and pay rent," Angel revealed his idea.
"Move in – here." Her brow wrinkled, eyes staring at Angel in mild shock.
"It's the perfect solution," Angel reinforced. "Xander gets to get away from the cats and dogs, and you would be able to keep house."
"I don't know," Buffy said slowly. On the whole, the idea wasn't bad. Xander was a good friend, and she'd have no problem living with him. There was plenty of room for him; her mother's room had been empty for years. But it still didn't solve all her problems moneywise.
"Come on, Buffy," Xander pleaded. "I'd be a good roommate."
"It's not that," Buffy argued. "I'd love to have you as a roommate, but even if you did move in, money would still be really tight, and I kinda was considering applying to Sunnydale University with the money I'd save getting a small apartment versus having a house and all the bills."
"You want to go to college?" Angel asked, a little surprised.
Buffy shrugged, squirming under their attention. "I've been thinking about it. Oz always wanted me to go."
"I think it's a great idea," Angel told her sincerely. "I guess selling the house makes sense then."
"Wait," Xander interrupted. "What if you got two roommates? Angel you could-."
"I don't think that's a good idea," Angel cut in before Xander could finish his train of thought. Move in with Buffy? Friend Buffy? That was a very, very bad idea.
"What? I don't see why that wouldn't work," Xander disagreed, eyeing Angel. He didn't understand why Angel wouldn't want to move in with Buffy.
"Xander," Angel ground out in a hushed whisper.
"Umm, hi. Remember me?" Buffy interrupted their bickering.
"Sorry," both apologized.
"Look," Xander stated. "All I'm saying is that you want to keep the house AND go to college. If both Angel and I move in here, we should be able to work it."
Buffy opened her mouth to say 'hell, no', but quickly closed it. Xander had a point. It seemed like it would work. But live with Angel? Xander was one thing. She could handle Xander perfectly fine. And it would be nice not to live alone in the house. But Angel? It seemed to be asking for trouble if she did that. There was still so much unresolved between them. If she wanted to keep the house, though, and go to college, it was the only way to do it, at least that she knew of because she really didn't have all that many friends, and living with a complete stranger was out of the question.
The doorbell rang, preventing her from thinking further about the issue. "I'll get it." Standing, she turned first to look at her two friends. "We're not done with this."
Answering the door, Buffy found herself surprised. "Mr. McDonald," she greeted.
"Buffy, you know I hate being called that," the man chastised. "It makes me sound like a stuffy lawyer."
"Sorry, Lindsey." She chuckled, remembering how he always had to tell her to call him Lindsey. "But you are a stuffy lawyer, ya know."
"Yeah, yeah. Can I come in?" he asked.
"Sure." Buffy stepped back and allowed the man who had been her mother's attorney to enter the house.
"Thanks." Lindsey entered and paused in the foyer. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
"Not really. Angel, Xander, and I were just debating something," she answered, waving an arm toward the living room where her friends were still sitting.
"Ah." Remembering why he was there, Lindsey fidgeted. He sighed and looked up at Buffy. "I'm sorry about Oz," he began. "I was out of town dealing with some family stuff, and I heard when I got back yesterday."
Buffy's lower lip quivered, her eyes tearing. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Listen, I, uh..." She looked so vulnerable; he couldn't help but think he was doing this at the wrong time. He'd known Buffy for years, meeting her after her family had moved to Sunnydale and Joyce had become his client. He'd been there through her mother's death, helping to ensure Oz got custody of Buffy, and now she had lost her brother. No one should have to go through that. "There's some legal stuff we have to go over sometime. I don't know if you know, but Oz had a will. He had it made up after your mom died."
"Yeah," she nodded sadly. "He told me about doing that."
"Okay. It's pretty standard...the house going to you and such. You can come by my office sometime in the next few days to go over it," he explained, then paused. "There is something I'm not sure if you are aware of."
"What?" she questioned, wondering what else there could be, and hoping it wasn't bad.
"Oz had a life insurance policy," he told her, hearing her gasp in response. "I didn't think he told you. He got it after he officially became your guardian several years ago."
By this time, having heard the conversation, Angel and Xander had joined the two in the foyer, but remained silent.
"H-he did?" she stuttered, shocked at the revelation.
"Yeah. He wanted to make sure you would be taken care of in case something happened," Lindsey continued.
Buffy's knees weakened, sadness over the loss of her brother, and gratitude over what he'd done for her becoming overwhelming. Seeing her falter, Angel stepped behind her, and put an arm around her waist. She accepted the support gratefully, leaning against him.
"I'm sorry for putting you through this now," Lindsey apologized, having seen the color drain from her face. "I thought it should be dealt with and that you should know. I contacted the agency this morning and as soon as I send them the information they need, they will be sending you a check."
"A c-check?" she mumbled, feeling a bit dizzy.
"Yes. The policy was for $100,000. You'll receive the full amount."
"Oh my God." The words were barely out her mouth before her eyes rolled back in her head and she fainted, thankfully landing in Angel's waiting arms.
The early evening air was chillier than normal, but Buffy hardly felt it. Her body was tense, her mind distracted as she weaved her way between the headstones that dotted the ground. The imagined stench of death made her shudder. She didn't like cemeteries. They suffocated her despite the wide open space. She'd spent too much time in cemeteries. But she needed to do this. She hadn't been back since the funeral.
Glancing behind her, she saw Angel and Xander waiting by the car. They'd offered to come with her, but she needed to do this by herself. She needed to face the reality, to accept what she couldn't change. Her brother was gone. It was time to say goodbye, to thank him for all he'd done for her, to tell him she loved him one more time.
The headstone was dark gray speckled granite, standing tall and unweathered. She knew what the engraving said; she'd picked it out herself.
Daniel 'Oz' Osbourne
1977 – 2000
Beloved brother and son
She fell to her knees on the packed dirt in front of the grave. Her fingers reached out to trace the lettering, lovingly caressing the indentations.
"Hey Oz," she whispered though no one was close enough to hear her.
"I miss you." Sitting back on her heels, she wrapped her arms around herself. "I wish I knew what to say."
"Thank you seems so wrong. But I am thankful that you were a part of my life. I don't know what I would have done without you. You were always there when I needed you. And you-you're..." A sob echoed from her throat. She tried to hold it back, but it was of little use as tears began flowing down her cheeks.
"I don't know what I'm going to do without you. And Argyle misses you. He's always sitting in your chair."
"Why didn't you tell me about the insurance policy? I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You were always taking care of me. But I'd give the money back in a second if I could have you back."
She shivered, the cold finally seeping into her body. "I love you, Oz. You were the best brother I could have ever asked for. I'll never forget you."
Standing up while it was still emotionally and physically possible, Buffy backed away from the grave. She stared at the headstone for a moment. Oz would always be her brother. She would always love him. But it was time to pull her life together, time to accept the loss of her brother and to move on. It pained her to think that, but it was true. Oz would want her to go on and to be happy. So with a last, silent, goodbye, she turned and walked away.
TBC!! (1 chapter left!)
