A/N: Disclaimer ... spoiler and all that fun stuff .. see the first 10 chaps. The song I used here is titled 'Even If' by Lea Salonga.

Chapter eleven: Even If

All those sleepless nights

All the tears I cried

All the pain I kept inside

I kept asking myself why

You had to say goodbye

It has been more than a month since I last saw him. I've been in charge for night shift since he has left.

I still can't believe he's gone. And you know what is the other one thing I still can't believe?

That I'm still alive.

There were countless times when I couldn't sleep. But an even larger amount of times when I don't want to wake up anymore. Tears have been freely streaming down my face; there are times that I don't even notice it. It would just come out, just like that.

Crying to me this past few weeks has been like breathing. It has become a way for me to live.

My heart couldn't take it anymore.

All the love that has been kept deep inside has been replaced by the amount of pain.

This is it. I believe, I have hit rock bottom. It couldn't possibly get any worst.

Why did she have to come back? Why did he have to love her? Why did he ever want to marry her? Why did he have to get her pregnant? Why didn't he give me a chance to say what it is inside me?

Why did he have to leave?

I'm so tired. So tired of thinking. So tired of feeling. So tired of longing. So tired of hurting.

Do you know where I am right now? Coz I don't. I'm lying down. My eyes are still closed, I'm afraid to open it. The last thing I can remember, I was about to leave the office and get home.

"She loves him doesn't she?"

I heard a voice asked. I still kept my eyes shut. I know that voice. That sounds like Nick.

"Yea she does" I heard another voice; it sounds like Warrick's.

"Can that be the reason why she passed out?" that's Greg's voice. Passed out? I passed out?

"She barely eats and sleeps. She works twenty-five hours a day! She's far worse than me!" said another voice that unmistakably belongs to Sara.

"She's probably trying to distract herself so she wouldn't think of him"

"Well if she's using work to distract herself from feeling her pain, it isn't working Greg! I can see tears in her eyes every now and then. Even if she tries to hide it" came Nick's response.

So I am that obvious huh?

They probably think that I'm still asleep.

I feel so weak. So weak I don't think I can talk. I don't even have enough energy to open my eyes. So now, I decide to just keep it closed. They will all be shooting me questions and I'm not ready for that. Though I don't appreciate the fact that the topic of their conversation is I.

I don't want to react. I'll just let them talk about me.

"We should have been there for her"

"Let us not blame this on ourselves Nick" I heard Sara comforted Nick.

"We can all see she was a total wreck! She tries to hide it so hard, but we all knew better!" I heard Nick retorted.

Oh god, they pity me ... and I thought things couldn't get any worst?

"It was very obvious through her eyes. Why weren't we there for her?" said Greg's voice.

And now they're pitying me and blaming themselves...god Catherine, how did you manage to get this low?

I'm too weak to open my eyes but apparently not weak enough to not be able to think.

"Greg, Nick, Sara's right. This is nobody's fault. Cath is going through very hard times, we just have to let her know we're here."

I know guys. I know. And I'm thankful for that. Was it just a dream

When you said to me

That there is some one new in your life

You could have at least lied

The truth just scared me



It has been a week since I was released from the hospital. I told everyone not to tell it to Grissom and without any further questions they have all obeyed me.

There are still those moments when I thought I saw a glimpse of him. When I thought I heard his voice. When I thought I just smelled his scent.

And as always... I'm right.

I'm right ... that it is just me wishful thinking.

There are nights that I still can't sleep. But, little by little, those nights are being lessened.

Up to now, I still cry. When I'm alone. I still cry. But now, I'm not trying to stop it. I'm not trying to hide it. I have now allowed myself to cry.

I have never known that you could miss someone this much. Then again, there are a lot of things that I never knew.

I never knew that I could love someone as much as this.

That you can miss someone this much.

That a feeling as painful as this exists.

And you know what else?

I never knew I'm this strong.

Even If ...

You mean the whole damn world to me

I can forget you, wait and see

I can be strong

even without you

I can't waste my life forever

Hoping you'd come back to me

I'm getting up. I'm going to survive. I Catherine Willows will not let this ruin me.

And that's a promise. A pledge to myself.

I'm not only going to stay strong for my daughter, but also for myself.

I don't want to be pathetic anymore. I don't want to be helpless any longer. I cannot mourn my whole life because of him.

No man, could ever make me waste my entire life for him.

Even if I love him so dearly.

Even if he is everything to me.

Even if I know for a fact that I will always love him.

Even if I know that there is no chance for this love to be gone.

Even if I know that I may never forget the pain.

Even if I know that deep inside me, in my heart of hearts ... I'm still hoping.

I'm still waiting.

But deep inside I know I'll be Waiting here for you.

=TBC=