Disclaimer: CSI and the song used isn't mine!

Spoiler: none

A/N: the song used here is titled "Reachin' out" by Ms. Lea Salonga.

Chapter twelve: Reachin' out

What must I do to make you understand?

You mean everything to me

Don't have the strength to say

Give this heart of mine a chance

And maybe then you will see

I'm now back in Vegas. I just came back to finish on some work and then I'll make my formal resignation and be gone for good.

I have missed my office. I have missed working here, working with my team. But most of all I miss Catherine.

Her eyes. The eyes that serves as a window through her very soul.

Her smile. With which never cease to lighten up my mood.

Her laugh. The sound of her laugh that is music to my ears.

I'll do anything

Do anything that you tell me

I'll be there, I'll be there if you need me

It is very weird though. I have been here for almost a week but I haven't seen any of the three most beautiful things yet. Yes, I have seen Catherine but she wouldn't look at me in the eye. She seems to be avoiding eye-to-eye contact with me.

I haven't seen her smile. Well she has smiled. But not to me, to every body else but me. How was I able to see the smiles she gives to others? It's because I've been watching her secretly and intently. But you know what else? It seems like the smiles she gives are kind of reassuring smiles. Reassuring smiles, reassuring and sad both at the same time. It isn't the same smile she used to have.

I've heard her laugh, laugh at Greg and Nick. Laugh with Warrick as they both watch Nick tease and flirt at Sara. Yes, I have heard her laugh ... and again like how I managed to see her smiles on others, it is secretly. Before I enter the room I hear her laugh, and I stay outside for a minute to listen to this music, and as I enter the room hoping that the music would be more beautiful when I'm at the same room as the source of it ... well I was wrong. Coz every time I enter the room she abruptly stops on laughing. I have noticed that, and that is why I have been spending minutes outside before entering a room just to be able to hear her laugh.

Reachin' out to you

Do you feel it too

Lovin' you

is all I wanna do

I'm completely sure

I've never felt this way before

When I smile you know

That there is something more

I don't know what to do anymore. Seeing her now, makes me think again. It makes me think that maybe the knowledge of me loving her deep inside is not enough to last me a lifetime. I want her to know how I feel. And the worst, I want her to feel the same way.

I'm having a child and I'm getting married. But those things don't seem to be enough reason to stop me from loving her. To stop me from hoping of her loving me.

Every time I look at her she looks the other way. I don't know why. I want to know why.

Every time I get near her, I can feel all pairs of eyes on the room staring at us. I don't know for sure if they are looking at me or to Catherine. But they are looking at us.

Something is happening. I know that for a fact, everybody is acting differently.

Besides the fact that Nick has been boldly showing his love for Sara, and Sara has been playing hard to get. Sara playing hard to get is truly an odd thing to me. Warrick has been glancing at Catherine every now and then. I would have started to get a little jealous, but now I'm just worried coz Greg, Sara and Nick are doing the same thing.

What must I do

so I can make you see

The light that shines in my eyes

You brighten up my day

You even help me find my way

I wish you're always by my side

I have tried talking to Catherine, but as if on cue the team would always show up out of the blue and interrupt us.

I want Catherine to see that I miss her.

That I care for her

That though she ignores me, the sight of her brightens up my day

I want her to see that one mention of her name makes my heart flutter

And I can't stop, don't know how to stop Thinkin' of you And I'll do anything, do anything to be near you

That no matter what I do I don't know how to stop thinking of her

That whenever I think of her I can't help but smile

And most of all I want her to see that I love her.

I just want to be near her.

I just want to feel her beside me.

I have the most perfect reason why I want to be beside her – it is because I love her more than anything but on the other hand I also have another perfect reason why I can't tell her that I feel this way. And as much as I would want to be happy for this reason of having a family ... I can't bring myself to it. I know that I will love my child. I will love my child more than anything. There will only be two, no make that three people in my heart. My child, Lindsey and Catherine.

I want her to feel my love for her. I may not be able to tell her, but I want her to feel it.

It's stupid. It's irrational. But that's what I want, that's what I feel, how can I help it?

Reachin' out to you

Do you feel it too

Lovin' you is all I wanna do

I'm completely sure

I've never felt this way before

When I smile you know

That there is something more

As I walk down the hall I notice that the only occupant of the break room is Catherine and so I have decided to enter and hope that I'll be spared with a minute alone with her.

"What are you doing?" I asked causally

"Reading" she answered without looking up.

"Want to tell me about it?"

"You sure you want to hear about the latest gossip on Jlo's love life?"

"Ookay... maybe not."

"Thought so"

"Well it's just, it's been a long time since we talked."

There I've said it.

She glanced up at me and I gave her a smile, and she gave me a light smile. Just a light one but it still is a smile. The first one she has given me for a long time.

The smile I have given her... I tried to show everything there. I hope she looks at my eyes, coz I want her to read them.

I'm foolish. I'm selfish. I'm in love.

I love her. I can't stop loving her. All my life I know I will always love her. And that's the one thing in my life I will never stop on doing. Loving her. Loving her feels so right, even though I know it's not. Loving her gives me joy, then it makes me feel pain. Loving her is everything to me. It's like breathing. It's my air.

It's all I want to do. No, that isn't true, I don't want to feel it any longer, but I still do.

It isn't what I want to do. It's what I can't stop doing.

It has become my habit. My addiction. It is who I am. It is what defines me. Loving the woman I am not supposed to love has become part of who I am.

Reachin' out to you

Do you feel it too

Lovin' you is all I wanna do

I'm completely sure

I've never felt this way before

I wonder how come all this time she has never seen it in my eyes. Am I really that good in keeping my feelings?

Every time I look at her I know that the love I feel for her is reflected through my eyes.

I know that deep inside her she knows that I feel something for her. She's a smart woman. A very smart and emotional woman. It is impossible that she would miss it.

Sometimes I look at her and I try to tell her everything with that look. When I smile at her I just hope she gets the message.

Is she trying to deny or ignore what she sees in my eyes?

Or does she simply not care on how I feel for her?

Well, either way ... it still hurts.

Deep inside her I know she sees it. I know she knows. Deep inside her I know she does.

Why else would she act strange? Why else will she be avoiding my gaze like what she is doing now? Why does she look relieved when the team entered the break room a few moments ago? She doesn't want me. She knows I love her, but she doesn't love me. That's the only explanation for all of this.

I love her. She doesn't love me. I'm with some else.

That has been our situation for a long time now, but how come I never seem to get use to it?

This is my last night here in Vegas. I'll be leaving tomorrow morning. Once I leave I'm never coming back. After this, I don't want to look back. I'll always feel my love for her but I'm never looking back to my pass.

To the pass where I let go of the chance of being with her. To the pass where I just couldn't accept that we were never meant to be together. To the pass ... to this pass, where I can see that deep inside she knows how I feel but chose to ignore it.

I have failed

I have failed to look in her eyes

I have failed to read through her eyes

I have failed to convince myself that I can always love her secretly and that that would be enough

I have failed to believe that loving her though she does not feel the same will be okay

I have failed to live an honest life

I have and will fail to be happy all my life

I am regretting that I never told her how I feel face to face

I am regretting that I expect her to love me even though I tell her I love her only through my eyes, through my friendship.

I am regretting that I have never grabbed the chance to be with her before

I am regretting that I would have to forget about Vegas in a few hours.

I am regretting to see her response on knowing deep inside that I feel something for her -- though I have not told her yet, it is very obvious on my eyes.

And I am regretting on why I thought letting her read my love for her through my eyes is a good idea.

I am regretting that I know that she knows deep inside how I feel for her.

I am regretting to the fact how I love her intensely that it is impossible for her not to feel it

I am regretting to the knowledge of how well she can read through me that is how I know she have read it through my eyes a million times

Failure and regret

What a beautiful ending for my undying love.

Deep inside you know

that there is something more

Deep inside you know that there is something more....

= TBC =