"Cortana, remind me again why we're doing this?" The Master Chief demanded through gritted teeth as he walked cautiously among the Covenant. It was so strange to see them falling at his feet. He gave one a kick, and the grunt practically died with joy, thanking him profusely. The voice of Cortana echoed through his internal comms unit,
"Well, the Covenant believe the sentient potato race of Garash IV to be the forerunners. They'll let us do anything to them. So we're going to blow up every power station on their homeworld, then all their factories, then we'll piss on the graves of their dead and find out how nasty Covenant women can get with an eight-foot-tall tuber." She'd become a real bitch after MC accidentally deleted a quarter of her coding. But what was he meant to do with the big red flashing 'DO NOT DELETE' button? Ignore it?
"Wait, nobody said anything about alien sex."
"I remind you I can overload the suit's systems in less than half a second. It would hurt very much. Or I could concentrate the shielding and superheat it, burning this costume down and laughing as you get raped by about twelve billion Covenant."
"And I remind YOU that your feelings are intricately linked to mine, so you'd feel exactly the same thing as me if that happened." And MC also wondered when the Covenant turned into the porn race. They used to blow Humans up, now they just captured the men folks.
"But I'd like it." She uncounterably countered. "You deleted by inhibitions unit, now I'm free to enjoy anything done to you. And I've also been fused into your armour, so you're not getting rid of me anytime soon." Chief sighed and continued his walk along the weird Covenant gangplanks. He'd already wrecked half of their installations and they'd taken it like bitches. The one Jackal who had protested had summarily had a fuel rod gun shoved firmly up his rectum, and then the trigger was pulled.
"But why are you wanting me to have sex with alien women?"
"Because I'm perverted, of course, and I want you to suffer. Officially though, for science."
"What science?"
"Can Covenant STDs be transmitted to Humans?"
Poor Master Chief. He was fortunately saved from such a fate, however - in attempting to overload a Covenant power plant and research lab, he accidentally triggered some sort of dimensional vortex, the science of which I won't go into here. At any rate, after the black mists had suitably subsided he picked himself up and looked around.
"Where are we? Cortana?"
"Hmm. Unknown. Scans indicate the atmosphere is perfectly suited to human life, and there's a jungle all around us, so we're not in deep space at least."
"Unless it's a deep space jungle."
"True. But there wouldn't be anything underfoot then. Let's go and see if we can find any native inhabitants and have them rape you." As a pre-emptive measure to stop the Chief's complaints, she induced a minor electric shock which made his skin tingle and his nerves ache. He set off, doomed to a life of being electrocuted and raped at the behest of an insane AI program.
Meanwhile, Mortimer Mactavish was wandering through the same copse of trees. He cut some down with his trusty machete, and found in a clearing a very large man in shiny green armour. As is always the way with these things, before any pleasantries such as tea and scones, or even formal introductions, they fought. It was quite problematic for Mortimer though, as the man in green used a completely alien technique to fight. For one, he paid no heed to the ATB system, he simply did what he wanted when he wanted to! Mortimer's hit points held out however, and fortunately the green man was forced to reload - actually reload - and in that moment Mortimer attacked. Because he was really, really angry after being shot, he did a lot more damage than usual, and so defeated the green man with an excessively flashy attack. It seemed the green man was very surprised to find his much-loved sidestepping didn't work when the opponent had a 100 chance to hit, as Mortimer gleefully observed his bare hands homing in on the other.
"Name's Mortimer. Mortimer Mactavish." The other man stood up, talking to himself.
"Oh, I'm John. What were you saying about that, Cortana? TURN-based? What the hell does that mean?""Yes, well… I'll be going that way now, nice to have met you, thanks for all the XP!" He was about to leave, when that terrible screen popped up, hovering in front of him, awaiting his decision.
'Master Chief wants to join your party. Do you accept?'
- Yes
- No
He chose no. He had no need for a madman.
"But if I don't join you, the world is doomed and Lady Odessa's legacy with die with her!"
'Master Chief wants to join your party. Do you accept?'
- Yes
- No
It wasn't going to matter how many times he picked no. The Chief was coming with, and that was the end of it."Alright, welcome aboard. Who's lady Odessa?"
"What's that Cortana? Ah, ok. The voice in my head says she was a fictional revolutionary leader who died and gave her earrings to a mute teenager."
"Interesting. I'm sure we'll come across much evidence of her past and her exploits."
"Naturally." And without another word until the plot next requires it, they set off through the forest, knowing not where they were going, yet guaranteed to end up somewhere populated.
- Guh, that chapter was terrible. / I'm not thinking Chief will fit in here too well… but we'll see. (The Lady Odessa thing is from Suikoden, if you were wondering.)
