Disclaimer: CSI isn't mine; the song isn't mine either!

Spoiler: doubt it!

Feedback -( is greatly appreciated and may help on hurrying up with the next post!

A/N: I have turned Catherine into a morbid... but hey she's been suffering all through this story so I decided to lighten up her mood by letting her appreciate her feelings. evil laugh Anyways, the title of the song I used here is 'Let the pain remain' by Side A. Hope you guys will enjoy!! PS: why is it that it's a lot easier to write on Cath's feelings than on Gil's???

Chapter thirteen: Let the pain remain

Love comes, love goes But a sudden feeling never lets me be Somehow I know quite apart of me Isn't changed Since you've been gone

I am now sitting alone inside MY office. I have been avoiding Grissom the whole week; I have been avoiding him while he has been trying to reach out. The whole team has been looking out for me, I asked them to make sure that they don't leave me alone with him as a favor, that sounds so pathetic of me but I would have been more pathetic if I didn't asked them to. I don't know what it is that he is doing, I feel like he loves me, like he needs me ... I know that, that can't be true but my heart won't listen!

I have been avoiding him coz I don't like the way he looks at me. He looks at me as if he is hurting, as if he cares, as if he feels the same way I do. I have been working so hard to move on, to stand up again, to be back to who I used to be – though I do not know who that is, the main point is I just want to get my life back on track. I have been trying to go over the pain I'm feeling.

I am now here, all alone sitting in the dark as I stare to the letter I wrote. I wrote it and I poured my heart out. I'm still debating with myself if I'll give it to him or not. But I think I won't.

I am no longer afraid of rejection. I am no longer afraid of ruining our friendship, coz I have already ruined it. But I still can't give it to him. Why? Coz I'm afraid that he feels the same way.

It sounds irrational doesn't it? But no, it isn't irrational, it's just .... Complicated. Painful.

Complicated and Painful.

I'll tell him I love him, he'll tell me he loves me but we can't be together.

Now that's a heart breaker. You see I didn't think my heart could get any broken than it already is until this thought came into context with my god- forsaken brain.

Like a sturdy tree that's seen a thousand seasons I've to shed my leaves in winter To grow them back in spring To welcome life again To welcome you So goes my life

I'd rather live my life without him, knowing that he'll be happy. Rather than to know we both want to be together but couldn't. I'd rather hear him reject me than love me but in the end he'll end up with someone else.

I'd rather have the knowledge that we are not together coz he doesn't want me. I don't want to live my whole life knowing that I love him, he loves me but we can't be together. That just doesn't work for me! How will you expect a girl to move on if she knows that the man whom she loves and can't be with loves her too?

You know that, 'we are just not meant to be together' line? Well guess what, that is crap!

How will you be able to live you're life knowing that love just can't conquer it all?

Can someone please tell me since when fate has its power over love? Could you just please please tell me, coz I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only person in this world who is cursing the time when it did.

Still believe in dreams of having you around Too bad memories feed the mind And not the heart Where I want you to be

I will never forget him.

Now that is I, not making a promise to myself, but telling myself to accept the fact.

I'll always remember him. All the times that we've shared, all memories he has left behind. I doubt that that will be enough but that's all that I can have.

That's all I'm allowed to have.

Some day I too will be happy. I hope.

Someday.

Someday I will, and while I'm still waiting for that day, I will be sitting here all alone thinking of memories which I've treasured. Memories of both the good times and the bad.

Memories that I will never trade for anything.

Too bad memories can't fill the emptiness of the heart.

So I ask myself what you have left behind For me to go on each day To live as if I have you once again

"Cath, aren't you going home yet?"

I glance up to see Warrick and Sara. "Are you okay?" Sara asked me worriedly, so I nodded and gave a light smile to assure them that I'm fine.

"Well I have to go meet Nick. I'll see you guys tonight!" Sara waved us goodbye and headed down the hall. Warrick looked at me probably expecting for me to say something. I stood up, I was holding the letter in my hand.

"Are you going to give that to him?" he asked. I looked at him and I said, "No."

And so, I threw the letter down to the garbage can.

"Aren't you coming with us to say good bye to Gris?"

"I've said good bye to him so many times already." with that I left him and I headed my way.

What else is there that's real But all the pain that I feel So let the pain remain forever in my heart For every throb it brings is one more moment Spent with you

I'm inside my car again, here outside the airport. But this time I'm not going out. I'm not chasing him. I just want to watch Grissom's plane fly away. I had a lot of thinking last night. I was again thinking of him

And again feeling my love for him and the pain it has cost me.

The pain.

I've been trying to get through that feeling for what seems like an eternity. But now, as I watch the plane fly away, from Vegas and to Canada. As I watch Grissom go away. Away for good. Away from me and to Wendy. I don't think I want to move pass the pain any more.

Coz that's all he has left for me. Besides the memories that I feed my brain with, pain is the only thing left for my heart. That's the strongest memory of him that I have. So why would I want to let that go?

I'll feel the pain. And each time I feel how it hurts I will smile. I'll smile coz every time I feel it I also feel him.

Every beat of my heart is followed by his name.

His name, which I feel the pain from

Which I feel the pain for

I'm feeling the pain.

I'll always feel the pain.

And if that's the only way I can go so that I may feel him with me, so that I can spend time with him, so that my moment with him won't be just a memory from my mind ... then I'll treasure this pain. I'll keep this pain. I'll feel this pain till I can feel nothing anymore.

I'll let this pain be with me forever.

If that's the only way to feel him for real. Even if its hard, even if it hurts ... even if it is pain.

At least

At least I'll feel part of him with me.

I will let this pain remain. Just so I could feel his memory with me.

I let the pain bring on the rain If that's the only way It there's no other way To be with you again =TBC=