Fear

Chapter Two

Disclaimer: I don't own Animorphs. Period. So don't sue.

I dreaded Wednesday. Real dread. There's a certain amount of dread that I could know. I didn't feel afraid, but I knew fear. I knew what would happen and I knew every fiber of me that was still me didn't want it to happen.

On Monday my parents broke the news. On Tuesday, Arnie skipped school to tell his boss. He got a doctor's note to get back to school. Tuesday night, my parents were taken.

I didn't talk to Arnie all day. I didn't distract him. I didn't threaten him. I didn't even tell him I hated him. I didn't have to. He knew.

What's wrong with you? he finally asked me as we walked up to the house.

When this is over, I swear, I'll kill you.

He didn't reply.

"Mom! I'm home!"

"Hi, Connie." Mom came into the living room carrying a box. She and Dad had put aside their argument long enough to pack together. "Would you get dinner ready, please? I got one of those stir-fry things you love so much."

"Sure. I just need to make a phone call first."

In the kitchen, Arnie dumped my bag on the kitchen table and went strait for the phone. He dialed the number for the Sharing office.

"Hello?" asked and friendly voice.

"Arnashik 6324 for sub-Visser 73."

"Hold," the voice said, suddenly cool and professional.

A few moments later another voice spoke. "Arnashik 6324? Is everything ready?"

"Yes. Everyone's in the house. I'll be able to keep them here for about an hour."

"Well be there in 20 minutes."

Arnie didn't answer. He just hung up the phone and moved on to the sink where a frozen bag of pre-prepared dinner sat defrosting.

I don't know how you humans can stand to eat these.

I remained carefully silent. I was too angry to even inadvertently think of something.

Why can't you just cook? You have so many fresh choices but instead you go for the freeze dried stuff.

Just get on with it.

He got out a pan and started to make dinner.

It wasn't my decision to do this.

I didn't even bother to flick him off on that one.

I didn't-

Just get on with it.

Arnie didn't try to talk to me again after that. We tried to avoid each other, a hard thing to do when you share one head.

Dinner was still cooking when the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" Arnie yelled and ran for the door.

STOVE!

Arnie changed direction mid-step and turned off the stove. When he got to the living room door, Dad was already at the front door facing a tall, slightly balding man.

"May I come in, sir?"

Dad looked behind him and saw six more people waiting on the front walkway. Two were holding a strange, covered pool between them. "Who are you?"

Baldie looked around the street outside quickly before barreling into the room.

"Hey! Get out of my house!"

A large man grabbed Dad as the rest of the Controllers filed into the room. He was twice the size of Dad and held him easily while the two with the pool set it up in the middle of the living room.

"Jeff? What's going on?"

Mom came into the room with Samantha, drawn by Dad's yells.

Arnie closed our eyes and turned back to the kitchen.

No, I told him.

You don't want to see this.

Neither do you. Go back. Watch it.

Arnie sighed. Not the way I usually sighed, but something that seemed like the kind of thing he'd do. Something sad and tired.

Back in the living room, two men held my Mom down and a woman held Samantha. Mom twisted and turned and tried to get free, but the two men managed to keep her contained. The woman was having more trouble with Samantha, who was biting her hand and kicking and screaming.

And Dad. I turned my eyes toward Dad. The same large man who held him before now held his arms behind him and kept him on his knees while another held his head still near the grey, sludgy surface of the uncovered pool. He suddenly went still and quiet. The two Controllers let him up as he tried to stand, then moved out of the way as he fell back on the couch.

He lay there quietly and I turned my eyes to Baldie, who motioned for Samantha to be brought forward.

Mom bit her captor's hand and screamed. "Leave her alone!"

One of the men hit her across the head and she slumped forward quietly.

Samantha was dragged kicking and screaming to the pool and held near the edge. She fought and twisted and screamed and it took three people to hold her still long enough for the Yeerk to take Control.

When they dragged Mom forward she was still too groggy from being knocked out to put up much of a fight. She moaned quietly and grabbed the edge of the pool, but didn't fight.

When it was finally over and my family stood about getting used to walking again, I closed my eyes.

Go back to the kitchen, I pleaded quietly.

Arnie left and went back to dinner. Despite the horror that had just taken place in the living room, our bodies still needed to eat. I was quiet, almost sad, as he cooked, until I realized something.

I had my eyes.

What?

You let me control my eyes.

You're the one who wanted to watch.

I didn't answer.

Well, Arnie prompted, as if he expected me to say something.

What, do you want me to thank you or something? You bastard. I hate you.

Something about Arnie felt sadder. Something about the way his mind felt to mine was colder and sadder.

Well at least you're sounding like a host now.

You're burning the dinner.

Arnie saved the food, put it in a serving bowl, turned off the stove, and went to the living room to talk to his colleagues there.

That night, Arnie gave me another night to myself. I didn't cry. I was beyond crying. I held a pillow against me, curled up on my bed, and felt. I felt...depressed. Horrified. Beyond anything I'd felt before. I wasn't hovering on the edge of the hole. I was falling into it. Falling with no end in sight. I felt and I got drunk on the feelings, trying to hold onto them. To save them against the time when I wouldn't have them. Around 2 in the morning, Arnie took over again.

You need to sleep.

I knew he was right. And I didn't have a choice. Right before sleep fell over us I whispered quietly, Thank you...

------------

Life, unsurprisingly, went on. We went to school, we did homework, we ate meals. We kept going. But everything had changed. Dad canceled the lease he'd taken on an apartment, a process made easier by the Yeerks. His body stayed in the house, but it didn't matter. I hardly even recognized the place as my house. It was cold and quiet and eerily efficient.

The next morning we went downstairs and found Rantisc 5489, in my mother's body, cooking breakfast.

"Hello," Arnie said as we sat down at the kitchen table.

Rantisc didn't answer. She just moved the pan of muffins to the oven and dumped her empty mixing bowl in the sink.

I liked your Mom better, Arnie told me as he opened the newspaper.

So did I.

After a few minutes of silence, Operis 3621 came in, complaining loudly.

"This body is too small. I can't do anything."

I was a bit shocked to hear a full sentence coming out of my little sister's mouth. I knew it was the Yeerk, but it still sounded strange.

"Do I really have to go to this idiotic Kindergarten thing?"

"Yes," Rantisc told her curtly.

"You could just tell your teacher today that you've suddenly become a super-genius and have her move you up a few grades," Arnie commented without looking up from the paper.

Operis glared at us and said something in the Yeerk language.

And I definitely liked Samantha better.

I tried to keep my curiosity from getting the better of me, but Arnie knew without me saying anything.

Don't ask what she said. It's physically impossible anyway.

Just so you know, it's too soon for jokes.

We're going to have to deal with this sooner or later. You can go on being the petulant host if you want to, but sooner or later you're going to get used to this and you're going to get bored and then we'll be back to arguing over every little thing and making jokes.

I hate you.

Fine. Hate me. You know I'm right.

The problem was he was right. I had spent most of my life making 'adapting to the situation' an art form. Mostly to avoid expending the effort to change anything. And eventually, as impossible as it seemed, I would get used to this too.

Told you.

You don't have to read my thoughts all the time.

Well it's more interesting than the paper today.

Like I care.

Rantisc pulled the muffins out of the oven and set them on the stove to cool. "When does your host need to leave?" she asked.

"8:00 this morning. There's nothing special going on today."

"What a horrible waste of time, this school system they have."

"I know a school full of students who couldn't agree more with you."

Rantisc glanced at us and frowned. "You've been a human too long," she announced.

Little does she know I've always been like this.

No you haven't.

Well, maybe not as bad. I think you're a bad influence on me.

Well then maybe you should leave and find a more professional host.

That is the way promotions usually work here.

What?

You start at the bottom, like with your sister. When you get promoted, you get a new host, one who's physically better, or in a better position.

So, you're gonna leave and I'll get someone else?

Probably. But I'm not in anyone's favor right now, so don't count on that happening too soon.

The thought of having to put up with Yeerk who wasn't Arnie saddened me somewhat. I mean, as far as parasitic aliens go, Arnie was pretty nice.

For some reason, Arnie ignored that thought.

"Arnashik, are you feeling all right?" Camtol 4531 walked into the room frowning slightly. I'd never seen my Dad frown like that at anything but an inured player.

"Oh, I'm fine."

"Is your host giving you trouble?"

"Not at all. I've got it under control."

Rantisc set a plate of muffins on the table. "Eat. You've got fifteen minutes before you need to leave." She turned to Camtol. "And you've got five."

Camtol grabbed a muffin and the discarded paper and took a seat. Operis took two, grumbling as she did so, and left the room.

Defiantly like your family better.

------------

On Thursday the whole family went to feed together. We used the entrance at the mall, going to a restaurant first as cover, then wandering through the mall until we reached The Gap where Arnie pretended to drag everyone in. It all seemed perfectly harmless and convincing. Three friends from school saw us and thought nothing of it.

I was the last to go down the metal pier. The two Hork-bajar who escorted me led me away and over to the cages, though they really didn't need to. I was far to smart to struggle or try to run.

"How can you be so calm?" a man asked me in a near-hysterical voice as soon as they locked the cage door behind me.

"I don't struggle because there's no point in struggling. And before you go off on some rant about fighting for your freedom, don't."

I didn't raise my voice or glare or really do anything. My voice was completely even, my face expressionless. Such calmness was the only defense against hysterical hosts. I learned that the first time I'd come here.

The man wandered away and started a fight with someone else.

In the far corner, Mom, Dad, and Samantha were huddled together, being comforted by the other hosts.

"It's their first time," a woman told me as I approached.

"I know. They're my family."

The small group parted and I sat beside Samantha, pulling her into my lap. She wrapped her arms around me and sobbed into the front of my shirt. I hugged her close, rested my chin on the top of her head and closed my eyes.

The hate was there, low and constant. A kind of turning in my stomach that progressed to fire whenever I thought about it and made my whole body get warmer and my heart to race. But the hate wasn't in control today.

The sorrow was there. A pain in my chest and an empty, hollow feeling in a place I couldn't describe. A cold, stabbing pain that made me go cold when I thought about it. But the sorrow wasn't in control today.

There was love. A deep, desperate love for my family and a need to comfort them. To talk to them. To be with them. An ache, somewhere near the pain, but much stronger. So powerful I thought my heart might burst.

So I hugged Samantha closer with one arm and reached out to grab Mom's hand with the other. She gave me a small watery smile and squeezed my hand.

"What...what are they doing," Dad asked in a shaky voice.

"Feeding."

"In...in that thing?"

"Yeah. They'll stay in for a few hours, then we'll be taken back to the pier and it'll start all over again."

Dad was quiet for a while. The silence was heartbreaking. Finally he took a deep, steadying breath.

"So, tell me about...about these Yeerks."

We talked for a while. I told my parents everything I knew about the Yeerks and what they were doing. About their customs and habits. Apparently Arnie was much more accommodating than either of my parents' Yeerks. Most of the things they asked about were things Arnie had told me in the first few days.

Somewhere in the middle of our conversation, Samantha stopped crying and turned around in my lap so she was facing the rest of the cage. She held my hand and listened to us talk, but kept mostly quiet.

"How do you deal with it?" Mom finally asked me.

Another woman came to join our little circle. She was a friend of mine from previous trips to the Yeerk pool. "You never really get used to it. You'd be psychotic if you ever got used to it."

She sat down and held out a hand to my Dad. "I'm Amanda."

Dad took her hand and shook it warmly. "So what do you do?"

"Everyone deals with it differently. Some wail and scream. Some just take it quietly. Some fight. Those don't last long. Everyone goes quiet in the end."

"Isn't there anything we can do? Any way we can fight against them?" Mom asked quietly.

"Some people fight," I told her. "They find ways to take back control and do weird things. Go crazy in a public place. Or try to kill themselves. If they don't die, the Yeerks break them. Like Amanda said, everyone goes quiet in the end."

Mom bowed her head and cried silently.

Dad gave me a slightly horrified look. "How long before they broke you?" he asked, his voice full of something that sounded like contempt.

"They didn't," I shot back, defiant. "I know better than to fight, but I know better than to roll over and die, too."

"So what do you do?"

"I watch. And I wait. He'll slip up sometime."

"And then what?"

"I won't know till it happens."

"That's the problem with this whole thing," Amanda cut in. "They're in our heads, so we can't really plan anything. We just...support each other. And we wait."

No one said anything. Dad moved closer to Mom and put one arm around her while she cried.

Amanda turned to me and tried to start up a new conversation.

"So how's Arnashik?"

"He's feeling guilty about all this. Can you believe that? Guilty!"

"He? I thought Yeerks we're genderless?" Mom asked.

"They are. If they use a pronoun, it's usually just whatever their host is at the time."

"But Connie here likes to call Arnashik a 'he.'" Amanda looked like she wanted to smile. "And she calls him 'Arnie.'"

"Arnie?" Dad looked scared.

"Makes him mad."

I smiled. Amanda ginned. Dad laughed. The laughter was infectious. Even Mom laughed a bit through her tears. There's only so much sadness a person can take and we'd reached our limit. The laughter was a bit strained, but it was still there. It was good. And it was just what we needed.

Someone screamed. They were being dragged out of the cage kicking and screaming. Samantha whimpered in my lap.

"I don't want to go back," she whispered. "Operis is mean to me."

I hugged her close. "I know dear."

"Anyway, tell us about Arnashik," Amanda interrupted, waving a hand in front of my face to get my attention.

"Yes, dear, tell us about 'Arnie.'"

I glared at Dad. "What?"

Everyone laughed again. We talked and laughed and it was strained and grim, but it was all we had. Eventually, we were taken away. Amanda went first. We didn't say goodbye; it happened too fast. Samantha went next. She was snatched out of my lap and carried off screaming.

"I'll see you again soon," I whispered to my parents as I saw the keepers coming back. "They have to feed every three days."

Mom hugged me and I was taken away.

How's your family? Arnie asked when he was back.

They're...dealing with it. They'll get by. For now. They're fighters. Especially Samantha.

You're lucky, he told me. You've got a great family.