Disclaimer: CSI and the song - both not mine!

Spoiler: none

A/N: the song used here is 'I know' by Ms. Regine Velasquez. Thanks for the reviews ... I really hope to see more of it and I promis to post the next parts soon.

PS: check out www.graveshiftcsi.com it's a really really cool site! most especially for all the GC shippers out there!

Chapter fourteen: I know

I know

I know how the flowers felt

when they're crushed by the rain

when they knelt in pain




As I look outside my window, as I fly away from Vegas I can feel my heart tearing apart. She didn't even bothered to say goodbye to me at the airport ... not that I would like her to say goodbye to me, it's just that, well, she didn't even called me. And the whole time I was there we were not given a chance to talk.

I have already resigned. I don't work in CSI anymore, and so I don't have an excuse to go back. I won't have an excuse to see her anymore.

Oh you're like

you're like the pourin rain

Tearing me apart

Taking love that I kept in my heart

Catherine has become my source of strength and happiness all this years. And now she has become the source of my pain. I can feel the strength in my body slowly slipping away. I can feel the throb in my heart feel suffering for every in every throb I think of her. And the thought of her causes me pain.

I don't want to think of her anymore. She's tearing me a part. All this years she's been my strength and my weakness. And now all I feel is weakness.

She is tearing me apart, I'm mourning over her, mourning over a woman who doesn't even care. She doesn't care.

Well she does. I know she cares. Just not to me.

I have not confronted her, because confronting will lead to opening up and I can't do that.

So besides the heartbreak, failure and regret I also have to face lies. All this I have caused to myself and now I have to face it on my own.

I know

I know my strength has dried up

Just like a sun baked day

Lost my focus

I've got scattered thoughts

Got some useless dreams

How can I find balance and freedom from extremes

I remember before when I said that Catherine is the one and only dream of mine that haven't come true yet and that I believe someday all my dreams will come true.

I remember when I said that I would never forget her. That she'll always be in heart and that I will always love her.

I remember when the thought of her makes my heart flutter.

I remember when the sound of her voice, and sight of her smile lightens up my day.

And now I know all those days are all over. Coz now I just want it all to go away. I want to be happy.

Before loving her has become synonymous to my whole life and happiness. Now loving her has become the one thing I won't regret at the same time wouldn't want to continue.

I want to be happy. Happy with Wendy, happy with our child, happy with my family.

I also want to fix my friendship with Catherine, the Catherine I now would never miss my wedding so maybe by then I have worked up some way to let all this go away and maybe I can be happy.

Be happy for us being friends.

Be happy with Wendy and our baby.

I know

I want you

I want you to just go away

I must be happy now

Oh come what may

Please give my heart a chance

And as I walk out the airport I see a woman waving her hands at me who is happy to see me. Cath never even bothered looking me straight in the eye the whole time I was there, but this woman right here, she's in my arms now. She ran to me with a big smile as soon as she caught sight of me.

And this has only motivated me. And gave me more reason on why I want all thoughts of Catherine to go away.

I have to make a space for this new love. If I won't let go of my love for Catherine there will be no space left for this new love I found.

I know I can find love without her. I know, I'm very sure, I have.

I know I have found love through Wendy. She loves me, and I know want to love her.

I know I want to be happy with her. I know I want to let go of Catherine.

What I don't know is, if I can.

To make a good love grow.

We can love without each other

I know.

=TBC=