"I can't find a thing wrong with her," said the doctor as he laid his stethoscope on the counter. "She's in perfect physical condition for a pony girl, except for that little raised spot on her forehead."

"Up until yesterday, she wasn't a pony girl," said Mrs. Read, who was seated next to her husband in the doctor's office. "She was an aardvark, like us."

As Unicorn D.W. (whose horn was still invisible) gawked at a picture of the gastrointestinal tract hanging on a nearby wall, the doctor handed her blouse back to her, and she began to clothe herself.

"Spontaneous trans-species mutations are not unheard of," said the doctor officiously, "although most reported cases take place during puberty. There's no medical explanation yet, but scientists are going on the assumption that it's a result of suppressed DNA from another species being triggered by some bodily change or traumatic event. Are there any horse people in your family tree?"

"None that we know of," Mr. Read replied.

"Mom, what's DNA?" asked D.W., climbing down from the checkup table.

"It's something inside you that makes you what you are," her mother replied.

The doctor had a final piece of advice for the Reads as they exited the office with D.W. "If she grows a tail or starts eating grass, bring her right back."

They stopped at the reception desk on the way out of the medical building, and the receptionist handed D.W. a red heart-shaped balloon with the words, I'M A LITTLE PATIENT.

"Mom, will I really grow a tail or start eating grass?" she asked, tugging on the string to make the balloon bounce in the air.

"Of course not, dear," said Mrs. Read as they maneuvered through the revolving door that led out of the building.

"But...what if my DNA gets changed even more? What if I turn into a real pony? What if I get hair all over my neck and all I can say is ne-e-e-e-e and you have to put me in a stall and feed me oats and put horseshoes on me and Arthur gets to ride me to school?"

"That won't happen," her father replied. "Besides, you're not a pony, you're a unicorn."

"I still don't understand why you didn't want us to tell the doctor about your horn," said her mother.

"I don't either," said D.W. "But Greta says it's really important that I keep it a secret. If I don't, Santa's elves will come and take me away."

"Santa's elves?" Mrs. Read gave her a surprised look while helping her into the back seat of the car.

"No, it wasn't Santa's elves," said D.W., fastening her seat belt. "It was a different word, but it sounded like Santa's elves."

----

On the couch in her living room, Prunella sat engrossed in a paperback book entitled QUANTUM PHYSICS FOR IMBECILES LIKE YOU. As she carefully examined a diagram of a two-slit experiment, there came a knock on the door. "I'll get it," she called.

When she opened the door, she was surprised to see the last person she expected to ever visit her house--Odette Cooper.

"Uh, hi, Odette," she stammered. "Won't you...won't you come in?"

Lowering her long neck, Odette stepped over the threshold into Prunella's house. "You look like you've never seen a swan before," she said seriously.

"Oh, I've seen swans," Prunella responded. "One or two, at least. It's just that...Binky talks so much about you, and I never thought you'd actually..."

"I'll get right to the point," Odette interrupted. "As far as I'm concerned, you're a phony. But you're a very successful phony. I think you're using meditation techniques to convince yourself that you have psychic visions. That's what I came here to talk to you about."

Prunella lowered her head slightly as Odette followed her into the living room. "I don't do that sort of thing anymore," she told the much taller swan girl. "Too many people were getting hurt. I have a new hobby now."

"What's that?" asked Odette curiously.

"Science!" Prunella's face glowed as she picked up the quantum physics book from the end table. "Did you know that electrons are so small, you can change their behavior just by looking at them? It's so cool! Science is even weirder than magic."

Odette stared at her incredulously. "Okay, who are you really, and what have you done with Prunella Prufrock?"

Prunella chuckled. "Well, if you put it that way, I'm really Muffy Crosswire, and I've turned Prunella into a science geek with my new Blinded by Science program."

Odette thoughtfully rubbed the top of her neck. "Yes, I remember Muffy talking about that. I figured it was another of her money-making schemes."

"I don't know if it makes money," said Prunella enthusiastically, "but it sure turned me on to science. I can't get enough of it now."

"I didn't come here to talk about science," said Odette with a hint of pain in her voice. "I'm going through counseling right now, and I'm looking for any information I can find about meditation."

"Like I said, I've given it up," Prunella answered. "You're better off talking to my sister, Rubella. My friend Sue Ellen knows a lot about it too."

"Okay," said Odette, turning to leave. "Thanks, Prunella."

As she lowered her neck to walk out the door, she muttered to herself pensively. "I didn't think Prunella would ever give up voodoo for science. But somehow Muffy did it. Maybe I've misjudged her."

"One other thing," Prunella yelled after her. "If a Pomeranian tries to talk to you, don't listen!"

----

The holiday ended too quickly, and soon the kids found themselves trudging through several inches of snow on their way to school.

Into Miss Cosma's kindergarten classroom strolled D.W., wearing a red cap over her ears and a striped scarf around her face. The other students, including Timmy, Vicita, Emily, Dallin, and Nadine, were regaling each other with stories of the wonderful new toys they had received as Christmas presents.

"My mom sent me a replica of the Leaning Tower of Pizza," Timmy boasted to Dallin.

"My mom made me a quilt with an Indian pattern on it," the little duck boy replied.

"My presents are better than your presents," said Timmy arrogantly.

"At leastmy mom was home for Christmas," Dallin retorted.

As D.W. approached the group, Emily was rattling off to Nadine the gifts she had received. "...and a Polly Locket doll, and a new set of earrings with stars on them that didn't turn my ears green, and a Pony Tales coloring book."

"My mom said she would get me a new dad for Christmas," said Nadine glumly, "but she didn't. Maybe next year."

D.W. took a seat in the circle, and Vicita was the first to speak to her. "Hey, D.W., why is your face all white?"

"I'll bet she has the flu, like Tommy," Timmy speculated.

"No, it's not the flu," said D.W., her voice muffled by the red-and-white scarf wrapped around her mouth.

"What did you get for Christmas, D.W.?" Nadine asked, smiling.

"The best present in the whole world!" D.W. gushed.

"A talking pig?" asked Emily curiously.

"A Glissando 2000 video game console?" asked Timmy.

"A baseball bat with Sammy Salsa's signature on it?" asked Dallin.

"Wait, I know!" Vicita bounced eagerly in her chair. "A pony!"

"Better than a pony," said D.W. She quickly and dramatically pulled off her cap and scarf, revealing the ears and face of a white horse in place of her usual aardvark features.

Vicita grimaced with disappointment. "A pony mask? That's not better than a pony."

D.W. smiled. "It's not a mask. I really am a pony."

Intrigued, Nadine jumped from her chair and walked slowly to where D.W. was seated. She ran her hand over D.W.'s elongated nose and huge nostrils, and gasped unbelievingly.

When Miss Cosma entered the classroom holding a batch of alphabetical flash cards, she saw all of the children gleefully rubbing D.W.'s equine nose. Astonished, she approached and hesitantly reached out until her fingers were touching the ridge between D.W.'s nostrils. She marveled at the periodic bursts of warm air emitting from the two large holes.

D.W., her expression one of joyous pride, reached into the pocket of her blouse and pulled out a folded piece of paper. "This is a note from my mom," she explained, handing it to Miss Cosma.

The teacher slowly unfolded the note. "I'll bet it says, 'Please excuse D.W. from kindergarten today because she's a little hoarse'," said Dallin. "Get it? A little hoarse?" The children giggled.

"No, it doesn't say that," Miss Cosma informed them. "It says, 'Please don't be alarmed by D.W.'s appearance. The doctor doesn't know what's wrong with her yet, but believes that her condition is not contagious. Please encourage the other children to treat her normally.'" She looked at D.W. seriously. "How long will you be like that?"

"I don't know," D.W. answered. "Probably two thousand years." The children laughed again.

"Is D.W. sick?" asked Vicita earnestly.

"No," replied Miss Cosma as she sat in the large chair at the head of the circle. "Sometimes people change as they grow up. It's not a bad thing."

"Will we change too?" asked Emily.

"Maybe, maybe not," the teacher answered. "In Romania there's a legend of a boy who was bitten by a snake, and turned into a snake boy with scales all over his body. His nose and eyelids fell off, and he had to smell with his tongue."

The kids squealed with disgust and horror.

"Is that a true story?" D.W. inquired.

"Nobody knows," said Miss Cosma ominously. "Some legends are based on fact, and some are just legends."

Timmy leaned over to Dallin. "Hey, Dallin, maybe if Nadine bites you, you'll grow a tail."

"Yeah, and you'll turn into a girl," Nadine chimed in.

Dallin stuck out his tongue and clutched his stomach. "Eww, that's gross!"

"What's wrong with being a girl?" asked D.W.

----

"What's wrong with being a girl?" asked Arthur. He and Francine were seated together on a bench in the center court of Lakewood Elementary, shortly before the beginning of classes.

Francine turned her face away from Arthur and stared into space. "Let's just leave it alone, okay?"

Arthur became pensive for a moment. "I wonder," he mused, "what would have happened if you had wished to be a boy. You'd have to get a haircut, we'd all have to start calling you Frank, you'd get to go into the boys' locker room with us..."

"Would you please stop?" Francine snapped at him. Arthur fell silent and looked at her apologetically.

As they gazed at each other, Francine's annoyed expression turned into one of regret. She lifted one hand and held out her thumb and forefinger.

"I was this close. I had Greta's horn in my hand, and I was wondering what my life would be like if I was a boy, and then I said to myself, 'This is stupid. There's no such thing as magic.' So I put the horn in a box and wrapped it up, and gave it to D.W. for Christmas." Francine's face fell. "If only I'd known. Now I'll never be a boy, and D.W. is doomed to be a unicorn for the next two thousand years."

"So what's wrong with being a girl?" Arthur asked again.

Francine looked a bit hurt and angry as she spread out her fingers and started to count on them. "One, I can't play professional football. Two, I can't play on a soccer team with David Beckham. Three, I can't play on a soccer teamagainst David Beckham. Four, I'll always be smaller than the boys, and I'll have to carry a pepper spray like Catherine does in case they try to beat me up. Five..."

As Francine racked her brain to come up with a fifth item, Arthur volunteered one of his own. "Five, you can have a crush on a girl and it's okay."

Francine lowered her eyes, embarrassed.

Arthur reached up and pulled off his glasses, so that Francine became an amorphous blob to his view. "Look at my eyes," he said sternly. "They're little black dots. I'm a boy, and I'll never play pro football because of my bad eyesight. And Van will never play pro football, because he's crippled. And Buster has asthma, and George is a shrimp, and Alan's a geek, and Binky only cares about wrestling. Francine, just because you're a boy doesn't mean you automatically get to play pro football."

The two children looked at each other wordlessly.

"I'm being silly," Francine finally spoke up. "It's just that...for a moment, I actually had a choice...and then I blew it."

Arthur, his glasses still removed, reached out and groped until he found Francine's shoulder. "I'm not the one to talk to," he said comfortingly. "Talk to Catherine. Or better yet, talk to D.W. She'll tell you how great it is to be a girl. She'll tell anyone who listens."

"Okay." Francine grinned. "Now put on your glasses. You're creeping me out."

After replacing his glasses, Arthur glanced at his Bionic Bunny watch. "I guess we should get to class now," he said, rising from the bench.

Francine stood up. "You go on ahead. I need to pee." She lowered her eyes sadly. "Sitting down."

Arthur looked at her with concern and compassion. Upon seeing his expression, Francine burst out laughing.

(To be continued...)