Disclaimer: CSI and the song isn't mine!
Spoiler: none
A/N: PLEASE TAKE NOTE!!! Okay well, the thing is the POV will be Cath's but the song will be reflecting on Grissom's feelings. Yea you read it right ... Grissom's feelings or his response on what Cath is showing/feeling. I know it may sound weird, and I know it is. Basically I was planning on using this song for Grissom's POV but we've heard enough of his thoughts already. So ... the SONG gil's. POV cath's. Two people in one chapter!!
This might be a weird, crazy and stupid idea ... but ... I just thought this is a good change and I just want to make a little experiment! Oh yea and the song here is With a Smile' by Eraserheads
Chapter 18: With a smile
Lift your head
Baby don't be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
I'm sitting alone here in the dining room. Gil is fast asleep in the couch. After he told me that nothing could make him happier than being with me, I couldn't say anything else.
He just hugged me, we sat on my couch and we hold onto each other for what seemed like an eternity. I left him there sleeping; I have a lot of questions on my mind.
First and foremost, how the hell did he got that letter? If my memory serves me correctly I threw that letter, I literally threw that in the trashcan right in front of - - Oh damn! Warrick!!
Okay so that answers my first question! Second question, what will happen to us now? We or maybe I shouldn't use that word, I shouldn't get use to using that word. As I was thinking, we - oh shit!
There I go again!
Catherine not we! I. I. I!!
We. We is much more complicated. We is much more harder. We is going to be difficult to forget, and we, we isn't even official yet!!
You'll get by
With a smile
You can't win at everything
but you can try
Baby you don't have to worry
Coz there ain't no need to hurry
No one ever said that there's an easy way
Okay so, I'll just skip on that second question and go to the third. Is this right? Oh great! Just great! Way to go Catherine!! That question in even harder!
Well, okay, maybe it's not, coz I know the answer to that. No.
No it isn't right. Aarrgghh.... The answer is even harder!
I can feel tears starting to stream down my eyes .. but you know what else I feel? I can feel his touch wiping my tears away ..
"There's no need to cry."
As I look up to the man who just spoke, I can't help but to stare into his eyes. He's looking into mine too, it's like we're both trying to read each other's thoughts. Honestly I want him to read mine, I have a lot of things going on in my mind, and I don't know how to say it or how to start.
This is happening way to fast for me. If this has happened a few months ago I would have been jumping with joy right now, but now, it's just all so hard. This is the thing, which I feared most, knowing that we love each other but can't be together.
Gil wants us to be together but that isn't right! That wouldn't be fair, but either ways it will always be unfair. It's either unfair for Wendy and the child or to me and Gil. I can not live my life with the guilt of ruining a child's family.
I wish this didn't happen this fast. Just last night I was crying. Crying as I felt the longing as I felt the pain which I planned to endure with me forever.
"You know, there's no hurry. I came here to know what you really felt and to tell you what I feel, I'm not trying to rush you and I never intended to make you confuse." I smile lightly and looked away. Clearly, he was able to read my mind. I just wish I have read his.
If they're closing all their doors
And they don't want you anymore
This sounds funny but I'll say it anyway
If I tell him to stay, I know he will, and I know that everybody is going to hate me for ruining a family. Wendy will hate me, the child will grow up thinking that I was the reason why he .. or she grew up without a family.
If I tell him to go, I'm going to hate myself forever. But what road will I walk on? What life should I choose? A life of guilt with the love of my life. Or the one without guilt but has pain, for I'm not with him. Am I really not worthy to be happy?
I don't think I could bear taking away the chance of a child to grow up with a family. But at the same time I couldn't bear to run away from my happiness.
I'll stay
Through the bad times
Even if I have to fetch you everyday
Everyone is going to hate me. I would be a very bad example for my daughter. I'm going to feel guilt with me forever. I feel his hands touch mine. And from this touch I know, whatever happens he's going to be here with me, and I'm going to be here for him.
You'll get by with a smile
You can never be too happy in this life
"I'm scared" I said as I finally spoke.
"Me too" I slid my hands out of his.
"Cath "
"What if things don't go our way?"
"We'll still be together"
"What about all the problems?"
"You can never be too happy"
"What if everybody hates me?"
"I'll still love you."
In a world where everybody hates
A happy ending story
It's a wonder love can make the world go round
He'll still love me.
That's what he said.
And I wonder if it's true.
"Have you ever said I love you to Wendy?"
"I told her that she meant a lot to me and that I care for her deeply"
"You're not answering my question."
"No I have never. Why are you asking?"
"If you did told her you love her, how am I to be sure that after three months you wouldn't go away?"
"Do you really see me that low?"
As he stood up I see anger starting to fire up in his eyes. I didn't mean to hurt him nor intended to make it sound that way but I can't help but be bothered. I want to know if he has ever told her these things that he is telling me now.
And I know that I made a wrong move. So I stood up and approached him.
Lay down everything you've got
That turns your face into a frown
We'll get along with a little prayer and a song
Dudududu dudududu dudududududu
I touched him by the arm and made him face me.
"Look Gil. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound that way."
I hear no response coming from him. He is just looking at me, and through his eyes I can see he wants me to spill it all.
"I feel scared, and worried and confused. I don't know what to do."
"I feel the same way Cath, I'm also scared and worried and confused but I do know one thing. I know that I could overcome all this if you're with me."
In a world where everybody hates
A happy ending story
It's a wonder love can make the world go round
Lay down everything you've got
That turns your face into a frown
We'll get long with a little prayer and a song
"Everybody's going to think that I'm a home wrecker and that you're a complete jerk."
"Maybe. But who cares what they think?"
"I do! I don't want Lindsey growing up with people seeing her mother like that!"
"Like what? Like being with the person who loves her?" "
You're making this so hard" I murmured. Doesn't he get it? In most cases the man should be the one thinking of this things. Too bad this isn't most cases!
But well .... He probably feels worst that I do, and again trying to put on a mask, why?
I think I know why. He's trying to be strong for me.
Lift your head
Baby don't be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
We'll get by with a smile
Now it's time to kiss away those tears goodbye
Again I feel my tears falling, again I feel his touch wiping it away, I can feel his lips putting feather kisses on my face.
"It won't be easy, but we'll get by"
I smile as I welcomed him to my embrace.
We can do this. Together.
With a smile ...
=TBC=
