Fear

Chapter Seven

Disclaimer: I don't own Animorphs. Period. So don't sue.

The beginning of my seventeenth summer was unusually hot. Perfect weather for going down to the beach and lazing about with nothing to do. Unfortunately, when one is slave to a parasitic alien, lazing on the beach is just a distant dream.

After Arnie came back, things returned to normal. And yet, they didn't. I often asked Arnie how he came back, but he kept putting me off, telling me vaguely that someone owed him a favor. Arnie had never avoided my questions before, but after his promotions and subsequent demotion he'd become much more secretive. He was quiet and cautious, not just with me but with everything he did. He also seemed to be trying to make up for lost patriotism.

Thus I found myself at the park one fine summer morning, when I should have been sleeping, participating in a Sharing-sponsored trash hunt. It was a well run affair and would have been a ton of fun, except that it wasn't. So rather than deal with the fact that I was not asleep and being forced to do stuff, I retreated into my corner as soon as we got to the park and I realized I didn't know anyone there.

Hey Connie. Arnie prodded me a bit, trying to get my attention.

What? Leave me alone. I'm not bugging you.

I know. Why aren't you bugging me?

Because I don't feel like it, okay?

But you always used to bug me.

Yeah... well... now I don't. Leave me alone.

I watched sullenly as he accepted a trash bag and looked for a place to pick up trash. It was the first time he'd pointed out a change in me since we'd been reunited. I tended to think in terms of how he'd changed. Before Nasha, I didn't have a corner to retreat into. I simply annoyed him, whatever Arnie was doing. Or rather, I tried to annoy him.

Rather than think about it anymore, I went back to the blissful emptiness, but somehow I simply couldn't clear my thoughts. Staying quiet felt too much like giving in, but saying anything to him felt pointless and took too much effort.

I hate you.

Arnie just chuckled at me. He chuckled a lot. Where'd that come from?

You've ruined my peace and quiet. I can't even be properly docile with you around.

Well good. You just weren't meant to be docile.

What's that supposed to mean?

He found a twisted soda can, gingerly picked it up, and put in the bag.

And by the way, I'm not afraid of cooties or anything. Just pick it up.

This is gross.

I couldn't help but be a bit cheered by that. It was such an Arnie thing to say.

Okay, back to the docile thing. What did you mean by that?

He picked three napkins out of a bush before answering me.

Just that you're a very strong person. It's very admirable that you don't let things get you down.

My mind ground to a halt as it tried to process this. Me, strong? Me, the girl who was reduced to crying in the cages and hiding in her own mind after only a week of simply being ignored? Strong?

No I'm not.

Yes, you are. Is that trash? he asked, regarding a twisted piece of very old, very moldy paper.

It's trash. Pick it up.

They should give us gloves for this.

They did. Why don't you go get some?

I don't like gloves.

Then don't complain.

I left him alone for a while, still trying to hide in my corner. Hide, like a scared little girl. But Arnie didn't scare me. I felt more like I was hanging out with a friend who'd recently pissed me off. After all, it wasn't really who he was that I hated, just what he was. Still, friendly Yeerk or not, the situation was enough to drive anyone into hiding. That would show him. I'm not strong at all, just a weak little human who can't stand up to reality.

But his words bugged me and the more I tried to forget them, the more they bothered me. I simply couldn't make it make sense. Why would he say such a thing?

Hey Arnie?

She's back. I thought you'd fallen asleep.

Not like I can. Why'd you say that?

Say what?

That I'm a strong person.

Because it's true.

But it's not. When Nasha...

You've gone through a hell few people on this planet have ever imagined. You're still going through it, even though I'm trying to help as much as I can. And yet you're still strong enough to stay sane and refuse to be beaten down.

I was shocked. Arnie sounded so... mature. And I'd never heard him speak so plainly about what was going on. He usually spoke about the invasion in scientific or military terms, as if that made it somehow easier to handle. It seemed to me as though he'd come to accept reality in a way I would never be able to.

But... but with Nahsa... and even before that... I'm not...

You went through a bit of a rough time, but even when Nasha was ignoring you, you managed to beat her. She really liked you, you know. Said you had spunk.

Could have fooled me.

She did.

How do you know that, anyway?

She told me. We Yeerks have ways to communicate in the pools.

But, then why...

She's a Yeerk. It's how we're raised.

Oh.

'But you're not like that.' I wanted to say it. I wanted to, but I didn't. And Arnie, who never looking into my thoughts anymore, didn't hear it. He just... he sounded so sad for some reason. As if what we were talking about was something heavy that he was resigned to carry around. Not defiant. Not avoiding anything. Just sad and weary.

Hey, do I really have to pick that up? he asked, going back to the Arnie I knew. The funny, naïve Arnie who hated to get dirty.

Hey, it was your idea to come out here.

Oh, shut up.

"Hey, Connie."

Arnie looked up and waved at Tom, who was coming toward us. Finally, someone I knew. When I was still free I would moan to my friends about the Berenstien family. Tom was a few years too old for me. His brother was even better-looking and only a year younger than me, but everyone in school knew had a thing for Cassie Smalls. But, then, that's always the way it goes with men.

And then I remembered that this wasn't Tom.

The Yeerk parading around as my one-time crush wandered over, pretending to pick up trash. That annoyed me. Bad enough he was passing for a human; picking up trash at a trash hunt was the least he could do.

"So, they tell me you decided to go back to your old host."

Arnie glanced around quickly to be sure we were alone.

"Oh don't worry. They've got all the newbies on the other side of the park."

"You really shouldn't be so casual. Anyone could be walking by."

Tom shrugged. "So. What human would take notice of what we're saying?"

"A human who's really something else. Those guerillas are still out there somewhere."

Arnie was of course talking about the Andalite band that was causing trouble, and the barely concealed threat effectively shut Tom up. He stopped grinning and bent down to pick up a McDonald's wrapper.

"Well, then, Connie, should I find a more convenient time to talk to you?"

"Yes, you should," Arnie said simply and grabbed a grungy looking bottle without flinching.

Tom glared at us. "Fine. Meet me at the offices after this is all done."

"Okay. See you then." Arnie gave him an obscenely sweet smile and wandered away.

Boy, Tom's Yeerk is an ass. Who was that anyway?

Spunkter 5842. Just came down from the pool ship a week ago. Thinks he's hot stuff because he jumped over 6 people for a promotion.

I was a little surprised to hear Arnie so angry. After a moment I realized it wasn't just his voice that was angry. My own heart was beating faster and my stomach was turning as it always did when someone made me angry. But Arnie was the one mad. Why had I never noticed before that my body reacted to his feeling?

Hey, calm down. He's just a prissy upstart. And he's got a stupid name. Someone will knock him down a notch soon enough, and then you can laugh at him.

Arnie chuckled slightly and calmed down. Oh, I can't wait to see that. If you weren't so puny I'd go do it myself.

Don't you dare. Tom's cute.

Is being cute really so important to you?

Well, I wouldn't date him or anything. I just like having pretty things to look at. I stopped talking and my words caught up with me. Not like I could date anyone anyways.

Anrie didn't chuckle or tease me. He was suddenly awkward as I was. Somehow, it was so easy to forget the harsher side of reality when talking to him. Easy to forget that he was master, I was slave, and my life was gone. Not over, since I was still living, just...gone. Taken away from me. The knowledge that I'd never have a chance to fall in love, to marry, to try and live the perfect life every little girl imagines, suddenly hit me like a sack of bricks. It was like my dream had died all over again and I was left with a giant hole in my life. It wasn't one that I felt, just one that I knew, and the lack of a future that I saw so clearly took the fight out of me. Exhausted me, mentally.

I didn't want to talk to Arnie anymore. I couldn't really blame him, couldn't really be mad at him, but it was still his fault. And our friendly truce was interrupted by the facts of our lives. I hid in my corner.

------------

A few hours later, when my body told my brain that it was lunch time, I came out of my funk.

What's going on? I asked, automatically. We were waiting at a bus stop.

We're going to meet Spunkter.

His voice brought back the memory of this morning, of my sudden bout of depression. I realized that it was yet another sign that I'd changed. Changed from a girl who made snide remarks when she was scared or mad to a girl who hid the corner.

Oh, yeah. Spunky boy. My attempt at a joke fell horrible flat without any of my usual energy behind it.

Arnie didn't comment and I didn't keep up the conversation, so we waited silently for the bus.

Seated in the back seat of a city bus a few minutes latter, I tried to think of something to say to him. But I couldn't. Arnie was my friend, in a way, and we'd gotten along for the most part before the whole promotion thing. But now... now it was like he'd grown up a bit. I'd changed, but I was still a little girl. A silly, lost, immature teenager. Arnie was... older. He'd... grown. And I felt left behind and weak.

Arnie

Yes?

What... what happened to you?

He leaned back and closed our eyes. We were talking just to each other, with nothing to distract either of us. What do you mean?

You've changed since last time. Why?

So have you.

Yeah, but I know what happened to me. And... and don't change the subject!

He chuckled a bit, but there was no humor behind the usually cheerful 'noise.' Well, lots happened. I got sucked into a war.

You've been in this war since the start.

This isn't a war.

I would have been mad at him if I could have. As it was, I was still extremely offended by his calm statement. Not a war? How could he say such a thing? If this wasn't a war, what was?

How can you say this isn't a war?

Because it's not. Are you fighting?

Of course I am! You said so yourself a few hours ago.

Yes, and in a philosophical way, you are. But not really. What we Yeerks do to out hosts isn't really a war. It's an invasion. What we're doing with the Andalites, that's a war.

I stopped trying to prepare arguments and really thought about it. And suddenly my pride and my situation and my everything meant less than nothing. He was right. The Yeerks come and take over and then... nothing. That's it. It's not a war, it's just a take-over.

You... you met the Andalites?

I was one of the lucky ones. They managed to fix my host's body. But...

He trailed off and I felt suddenly ashamed.

I'm sorry Arnie. You don't have talk about it.

But you still want to know.

Of course, but you don't have to tell.

He was quiet for a long time, but he kept our eyes closed. I thought, hoped really, that he might tell me anyway. That he would tell me what was wrong and let me at least try to help him with it. I'd never been through so much as a playground fight, and being a host was bad, but being in a battle was something completely different. Something I couldn't even begin to understand.

Right before our stop, he spoke again.

I hope you never have to see or do anything like that.

The he opened our eyes and got off the bus.

------------

Spunky was playing fooseball with one of the new kids in the main lobby when we arrived. Doing the big brother act. I wondered how much of a big brother he was to his own sibling.

Arnie caught his eye and glanced over to the main office. Spunky nodded and motioned for us to wait.

Spunky there sure loves to goof off doesn't he? Skipped out of the trash hunt to come play games in the AC.

I felt Arnie's bad mood lift a bit.

You really shouldn't keep using nick-names like that, he told me.

Why not? If you can't deck him, at lease we can call him 'Spunky.'

Or maybe you should just develop a sudden interest in weightlifting?

No way. I'm too lazy.

Why do we have keep playing to your old personality? You're hardly what I'd call lazy anymore.

Okay, fine. Let's hit the gym then and let Spunky keep goofing off. He probably didn't have anything important to say anyway.

But at that moment Spunky finished his game and waved us over.

"Hey, Connie, can I talk to you for a moment?"

"Sure."

Didn't we already establish that with all the head-nodding and pointing earlier? Arnie asked.

Yup. Sad thing is, the real Tom is that thick, too.

Arnie laughed silently to me as walked into the office.

"So, what did you need?"

"I know you've been a bit out the loop, what with changing hosts so much recently, but the plans for The Gathering have finally been green-lighted and we want you to head them. Be a spokes-person to the school."

I kept carefully silent. The Gathering was a Sharing run support group for kids with substance abuse problems. Of course, giving kids an alien who didn't care about doing drugs was a great way to make them stop. The Gathering would be great success.

"Why me?" Arnie asked.

"Well, you were in on it from the beginning and your host is better known in those circles at school than any others we have."

I'm not a druggie! I cried, indignant again.

"She's not a druggie," Arnie said, though much more calmly than me.

"Of course not. I never said she was. But Connie still knows more people than anyone else on our staff at the moment."

"What about- No, he's not in the right place." Arnie thought silently to himself, then sighed heavily. "Okay, so maybe not."

Spunky gave us a slightly worried look. "Are you trying weasel out of this?"

Arnie shook his head in a defeated kind of way. "No, I just don't like the people I'll have to work with. But I'll do it."

"Good girl," Spunky cried, slapping us on the back.

Arnie winced and frowned. "Well, is that all?"

"Yeah, yeah. Come back here, I've got some files for you."

Half an hour later we left with a manila folder and a floppy disk. Spunky saw us off with one last slap on the back.

Boy, Spunky's really spunky, isn't he? And don't tell him, but the whole smacking thing really isn't very Tom.

Hn. Arnie's mind was clearly somewhere else.

So you're really going to do this, huh?

Yes, I'm really going to do this.

Just so you know, I'm mad at you.

You don't sound mad.

I know. But don't worry, I am.

He didn't comment on that, but I could tell he thought it was strange. I thought it was too. The whole affair offended my sense of fair play and law of warfare. The offence sank into my deep burning hate, the anger that was a constant presence in my life, no longer something that was brought out by single actions. Yelling from shock or surprise? That was easy. Hardly took any effort at all. The long suffering hate that colored my every thought? That was easy, too. It was unavoidable. But active anger? The Yeerks can do whatever they want. I may hate it, but whatever. And to hell with them all.

------------

The Gathering left a sour taste in my thoughts. Not just The Gathering, but my reaction to it. The way I just shrugged it off as another hateful reality. I didn't get pissed or mad or even depressed about it. I hated it, but I still accepted it.

Arnie talked to Jared again. He was still friendly toward us and listened to what Arnie had to say. Jared had never been completely dragged into that way of life, so The Gathering appealed to him. It was an easy way out of the ever deepening hole he called his life. He only asked for one thing: for someone to change the name.

Arnie laughed when he said it. "Yeah, I'm not real fond of the name, either. But I didn't name it so, oh well." He shrugged, then smiled pleasantly. "If enough people come to the meeting and whine, I bet they'll change the name."

Jared smiled his tired little smile and held out his hand. "Well, you've sold me."

I'm surprised you're not yelling and screaming at me for this, Arnie told me as he smiled and shook Jared's hand.

Yeah, well, what good would that do?

None at all. I couldn't tell if Arnie was disappointed or pleased. It sounded as if he didn't know himself.

So much for being a strong person, huh?

No. You're just smart enough to know when to keep quiet.

I'm not quiet. I just too tired to fight with you anymore.

You're fighting right now.

Am I?

Arnie's insistence that I was a strong person still bugged me. I felt guilty every time I though about. Not that stomach sinking kind of guilt, more of an incomprehensible desire to do something. To prove him right or wrong. But I knew he couldn't be right. Couldn't be.

Arnie was quiet as we walked through the mall. We'd met Jared at the food court, an unusual haunt for him, and then wandered away after he left.

I know you don't believe me, he finally said as we stared at a window display, but you are incredibly strong.

I really wish you'd stop saying that.

Why?

Because it's not true. I didn't yell at him or curse at him or tell him to leave me alone. I wasn't mad at him. I just wished he'd shut up.

The average Yeerk acts like Nasha, and the average host goes insane in less than a month. A lot don't, but they never say anything. They just sit quietly and ignore everything. Or they get mad and yell constantly or say hateful things.

Like me.

Not like you. You're calm. You may be quiet, but you still pay attention. You still think about what's going on and you do it with a clear mind. You've never let anything about this whole bloody invasion twist your sense of right and wrong. You overcome things easier than anyone I've ever met.

No I don't.

You think you don't because you don't always beat your problems. But you find ways around things. You adapt. You find ways to deal and drive on. Isn't that better than being one of the ones who beat their heads against a wall when they can't win?

But... but... My mind still wouldn't accept what he was saying. I had to prove him wrong. Prove him wrong and get rid of this annoying sense of guilt. But I gave up. With Nasha...

I don't care what you did. I care that you're not like that now. And I'm even more impressed that you came back from something like that.

But... but I didn't. Samantha... It was her. She... Without her I couldn't have done anything.

So?

So I'm not, okay. I'm just not.

Arnie went inside and look thought the racks. I thought maybe he'd given up, though I knew I hadn't won the argument by anyone's reckoning. He finally pulled out a dark green dress in my size. It was the same style as the one in the window.

Another thing I like about you is how most of the time you listen when you're in an argument and admit when the other person's right. Most of the time.

I couldn't think of anything to say to that.

Do you want to try this on?

Uhh... sure.

The dress looked great on me. We bought it and when we left the store I felt significantly better about myself. Almost good enough to accept that Arnie might be right. I'd already admitted to myself, somewhere, deep in the back of my mind, that I knew Arnie was right.

Shopping really does fix everything.