Written: August 19 2004

A/N: Hahaha! Surprise! No one is beating Goku up... XD Fooled some of you!
Mild lime. Sanzo angst! I love the end of this chapter as well... Whenever I reread it, it makes me happy in that sad kind of way. (is weird)

Chapter 7

Sanzo was shocked, staring at the closed door with an expression of disbelief etched on his face. What had Goku meant by his last words?

"If I had made them..." he said softly.

Was Goku sleeping with someone else in their group? Sanzo closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. That idea was even worse than that of Goku picking up a random guy.

He had a feeling that Goku was out sulking on the front porch of the inn, and decided to send Hakkai to him. Whoever the cause, Goku sure as hell wasn't going to walk around with someone else's markings on him!

He got up and stomped over to Hakkai's room, slamming the door open. For the second time that day, he was speechless.

They were kissing. Rather avidly. Two bare chests rubbed against each other and someone moaned softly.

He crossed his arms. "Are you going to be done anytime soon?"

Hakkai jumped off of the bed as if he'd been stung. His face was bright red, and he stammered slightly. "So... Sorry Sanzo, I... I didn't hear you."

"That much is obvious."

"Goddamn it!" Gojyo seethed. "Couldn't you knock, for once?"

Sanzo ignored him. So this was why they always wanted to speak in private. He should have guessed.

As annoyed as he was at having seen the two making out, it filled him with relief. At least it hadn't been Goku.

Goku. Right.

He looked at Hakkai. "Goku has marks on him."

"More?" Gojyo interrupted. "What does that kid get up to?"

Again, he ignored Gojyo and spoke to Hakkai. "See to it that they're removed. He's on the front porch."

Hakkai nodded, and Sanzo left the room. He needed a smoke, badly. He returned to his own room and fished out his cigarettes, taking one and lighting it.

He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He was glad that the mystery was resolved, and that Hakkai and Gojyo were not the culprits. The past few days he'd felt incredibly uncomfortable around them, always wondering whether they were secretly doing something to Goku.

As a result, they had not been working together very well. It was lucky that Kougaiji hadn't sent any of his stronger minions to attack them, and even luckier that Homura hadn't made another appearance. They wouldn't have had the necessary team spirit and cooperation to have fought back successfully.

But his mind was still troubled. What had Goku meant by those words?

Was Goku just mocking him, as if he was the only one worthy enough? Or was he actually inviting him to make those marks himself...?

Sanzo shivered. His mind kept picturing what it would be like taste Goku's skin, to nibble and bite his neck as Goku moaned--

Cut it out, he told his mind firmly. He was probably in such a strange mood because of what he'd just witnessed. That was all. There was no other reason.

I want to be alone, he reminded himself. I don't want to be dragged down by anything.

The other half of his mind sneered back. As if Goku would drag him down. Goku was stronger than him.

That's not what I mean, he argued silently. I don't want to be dragged down emotionally.

And how do you know you won't become stronger as a result? How do you know that a relationship will weaken you?

It will, he scowled. I know that from experience.

So are you never going to take the risk again? You'll risk your life every single day for a cause you hardly believe in, but you won't risk your heart for yourself?

That's right.

Sanzo opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling. Arguing with himself always brought on massive headaches.

He tried to clear his mind, but one thought still got through.

You'll never even try?

His heart wrenched at that. He wanted to be safe, to build a wall around his heart, but he knew that it was nearly impossible. Goku had already wormed in, for one, and he might miss Gojyo and Hakkai a little bit if they left.

Just a little.

But.... Not trying meant not living.

He'd had a similar discussion with Hakkai once. Hakkai's final words had always stayed with him, because they'd burned in the way only truth does.

"You're scared, Sanzo. You're scared of being hurt once more. You're scared of being alone in this world. Just like Goku."

Just like Goku. It had seemed a stupid comparison at the time. Goku was the one who was scared, not him. Goku clung to people, always fearful that one day they'd just... leave.

It was only later that Sanzo realized that was exactly what his master had done. His master had just left one day, and he had been left alone.

He didn't want that to happen again. If anyone had to do the leaving, it was him. He didn't want the burden of another death, of another life thrown at his feet so that he could continue living... alone.

Maybe that was why he'd let Goku into his life. Goku wasn't likely to die anytime soon. Although he always told Goku he wanted to die after him, he knew the opposite would happen. Goku would outlive all of them, perhaps stuck in another cave.

Goku would outlive all of them, and Goku would be the one left alone.

Sanzo closed his eyes and considered for just one moment killing Goku when he was about to die. Killing Goku so they'd die together and neither of them would have to feel the pain.

But he knew he'd never have the strength to do so. Or the courage.

He clenched his fists, forced to face the truth about himself. The truth that burned him every day and made him so bitter, so angry.

"I am weak."

To Be Continued...