Disclaimer: This is all from JKR's world!!!

Courage.

Those insufferable brats think that they have courage. They cannot even begin to comprehend what courage is. They don't understand. They believe courage to be some mystical thing that comes to the strong and mighty Gryffindor's. No. They are wrong. They are dead wrong.

Who am I to break away their happy delusions, though? They enjoy thinking that they know courage. They want to believe that their beloved Potter is the epitome of strength and bravery. How wrong they are. The Golden Boy can't even begin to understand the horrors of war.

I can't understand the horrors of war.

How can I tell mere children that even the mere sight of blood makes me want to vomit? Oh how they would mock their 'greasy git' of a potions professor. I can barely understand it myself. I have seen too much. Nobody should have to witness what I do. And I cannot even show the barest trace of pity for the poor souls that I torture and kill and rape.

I have to live with this. I have to live with myself. I have to face my victims in my nightmares. Then I must wake up and do it over and over again. There are too many faces. All accusing all telling me what I already know: I am a monster. I am just as bad as the Dark Lord himself.

The Dark Lord. How I would like to blame him for everything. It would be so simple, so easy to say that if he had never risen my life would be better. 'What if's' are irrelevant. What happened, happened. I made my decision. I could have stood against him. I could have refused. I chose my own life. I created my own personal Hell. Voldemort just helped me along the way.

That is why I hate James Potter. Not because of some petty school boy grudge. Because he was what I couldn't be. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be able to stand with dignity against the most feared wizard of our time. I was too weak to do so then. I have to make up for it now. I am paying for my sins. I deserve every ounce of guilt I feel. I know it. It is my own fault.

I now spy for the light side, whatever that means. Sides are irrelevant. I do not care for light or dark. Almost all magic can be used to harm. I need to help destroy that which I helped to create. I helped Voldemort to rise, I must now help the light to make him fall.

So now I slither like that snake I am in dark alleys. I spy. I do what I must. I kill when Voldemort tells me. I torture when he tells me. I rape when he tells me.

I take no pleasure in what I do, but I go back. I must go back. Albus tells me every morning that my acts are justifiable. There is a reason. Killing the previous nights innocents allowed others to live. But tell that to those I already killed. You can't they are dead. I hate myself for that.

But who else will do it? Who else can stand before the Dark Lord himself and not be reduced to a quivering mass? There is no one. I must do this. It is my burden and my curse. I must face my demons. I have chosen my own destiny. I pray for the courage it will take.

How long my resolve lasts, I do not know. I only know that here and now I am able to bear my burdens. I will do it alone. I must kill. I must torture. I must destroy the lives of innocent muggles in one fell swoop. There is no other way. I can't do it without courage.

A/N: I haven't written on this fic in a long time, but I felt the need to write about our dear potions master. Please review and tell me what you thought about this one. Thanks to all my reviewers! It is very much appreciated!!!