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Courage.

I don't want to have courage. I don't think I even have it. I'm fifteen years old, how am I supposed to have enough courage to face a Dark Lord. Grown adults can't even say his name. And they want me to kill him. They want a savior. They want The-Boy-Who-Lived to become The-Man-Who-Defeated-The-Dark-Lord.

How are they all so sure I can do it? Have they even looked at me? I am just a skinny boy who is alone now. Sure, I have friends, but I can't let them fight for me.

That's the difference between me and Voldemort. Voldemort doesn't care who dies for him. He just sits in his chair, plotting, ordering, torturing. I can still hear the screams. Even the voices of those who I hate haunt my dreams. Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, MacNair. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Yet, somehow, Voldemorts most faithful followers are still tortured.

It's sick. I want to throw up just thinking about all the people who's lives have been ruined because of that sick man. He isn't even a man. No, our race will not take credit for the fiend that he has become. I can think of the ones who are closest to me, offhand. Neville, for one. Poor Neville. How he goes through life the way he does, I don't know. He deserves better. My friends deserve not to have to live in fear.

I know that they have to hide now. I know that Hermione and her parents are going on a vacation all summer because they don't want to be killed. I know Ron's family is living in Sirius's house because their home is too well known to the wizarding world. Yes, they are in the Order, but nobody else in the order lives there, except Professor Lupin, now. Sirius lived there.

Sirius is gone. That's the first time I really admitted it to myself. Sirius is probably the one person who deserves happiness, and he wasn't able to find it. He had to go to Azkaban instead of his friend. A rat who betrayed them all. He spent twelve years there. He then had to stay on the run for the rest of his life. His short life. Before he was murdered by a member of his own family. Yes, Bellatrix will pay for what she did to Sirius, as will Pettigrew. They are up there on my list. Right next to Voldemort.

Voldemort. It all comes down to him. If Voldemort had never existed, the world would have been better off. I could have spent my life happily with my parents. Maybe even had a sibling or two. Instead, I'm with the Dursley's. Oh yes, I should be thankful for ALL they do for me. After all, if it weren't for them, I could have been happy. Probably taller and not so skinny. Ron doesn't know how lucky he is.

Ron is jealous of me. I know it. He hides it well, most of the time. I know he wants my fame. He doesn't want a huge family, where he thinks he has to live up to expectations. Ha. He doesn't know about expectations. He at least has a home to go to. I have expectations. And now I have to worst expectation of all. I have to kill or be killed. Murder or be murdered. I've seen a human being have the life swept away from them. I don't think I can do that.

Not even to Voldemort. How do you stand there, face to face with someone else, say a few words, then poof. Their life is over. There is nothing left. Their eyes have to be the worst part of it. I can still see Cedric's eyes. The horrifying blank stare that comes with death. I am supposed to do this.

Then I will be a hero. How brave I would be then. Oh yes, killing makes you brave. That's so easy for some to say. But I know, it doesn't make you brave. Killing is too easy. Voldemort kills. He isn't brave. He is a monster. That is the greatest fear I have. I fear what I will become. I don't want to be a monster. I don't want to be brave, if that is what is expected of me.

There is nothing I can do about it, though. I have my destiny. I know what I must do. I know that one day I will have to face it. I can only do that with courage.





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