Beneath, part two
Author: Kendra Doyle
Rating: G
Disclaimer: If they were mine, I'd be rich.
I honestly didn't even think of another chapter when I wrote the first, but since so many reviews mentioned one, I figured, why not?
Please review!
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I poured the hot chocolate into mugs, then added marshmallows and whipped cream. I carefully
carried the mugs with their precarious white towers into the living room.
"Ok, I've got the magic drink for what ails you. I didn't know if you liked marshmallows or-"
Buffy was sitting on the couch looking into the distance, not blinking. She didn't seem to hear me
or even notice that I existed. I set the mugs down on an end table and approached her slowly.
"Buffy?"
Nothing. I lightly touched her arm.
"Buffy?"
She jumped, and looked wildly around. She saw me, and continued to stare a moment, looking
confused and disoriented.
"Xander?"
"Yeah, Buff. It's me. You're at my apartment, remember?"
She put her head in her hands, seeming to collect herself.
"Um, yeah. Of course. I was just . . . "
She left the sentence trailing, and I didn't push.
"I brought hot chocolate. I think the whipped cream's a little melt-y, but hey, nothing like a hot
drink on a warm California night."
I handed her one of the mugs, and she took it, not looking at me.
"Thanks," she said, in an automatic way. She held the mug without drinking, again staring into the
distance.
I set my own mug back on the table and sat down next to Buffy.
"Buffy," I said gently, "Can we talk? You're kind of scaring me, Buff, and I want to help."
She seemed to shake herself out of her daze and finally met my eyes again. She looked like she
was going to say something, then she shook her head. She murmured,
"I can't. I can't tell you."
"Can't tell me? But don't you know," I said in a fake deep voice, "I am the Amazing Xand Man,
the greatest listener in the land!"
I earned a weak smile.
"Really, Buff. You know you can tell me anything. Please, let me in. Let me help."
In a voice so low I barely caught it, she said, "Ok."
She sighed deeply and set her lukewarm hot chocolate on the table in front of her. She seemed to be steeling herself for something painful.
"When I died," she began slowly, "I didn't go to some hell dimension. And it wasn't dark or cold. It wasn't empty or blank either. It was . . . warm. Happy. Safe. I felt joy. And I finally felt at peace. I think . . . I think I was in heaven."
Buffy quickly looked up at me. I felt stunned, like someone had punched me in the gut and
knocked the breath out of me. This didn't feel real. I heard myself say:
"So, when we brought you back . . . "
"It was like being yanked out of the happiest dream and waking up to find everything wrong. I
was in my coffin. I didn't know where I was. I couldn't breathe and I . . .
"After, it was so cold and dark. Everything seemed hard and painful and loud. I saw things
burning. I thought I was in hell.
"I just wanted to go back. I tried, but Dawn . . .
"I started to remember things. Later, Willow, Dawn, you, then Giles . . . everyone wanted me to
be ok. I've tried, but I'm not ok. Everything seems cold and empty. Things don't make sense
anymore. This– I didn't want this. I was done, and now I'm back, and I don't know why. I just
want to rest."
Buffy stopped. Her hands were trembling and she looked exhausted and pale.
I felt numb. Horror, guilt, and many other unpleasant feelings were bubbling up, waiting to
surface, but now I just felt numb.
"Oh, God."
Buffy just sat silently, looking at her hands. She looked like she might cry, but couldn't find the
energy.
"Buffy, I'm so sor–"
"No."
Her voice was firmer and she was smiling slightly as she looked up, though her eyes still
shone with tears. "Don't apologize. This isn't your fault. You–all of you–were just trying to help.
You couldn't have known. I know that now. I guess I always did; I just needed to say it. To tell
someone the truth."
I could feel very unmanly tears in my own eyes, and I blinked them away.
"Buff, I don't know what to say. We were so sure were saving you from some sort of torture, and now . . . I just wish I could change things. Make it better."
Buffy put her hand on mine. She didn't feel quite as cold anymore.
"You already have. I'm glad I came to you, Xander. Well, not about the whole 'coming on to you to get over my feeling of disconnect' thing," she smiled wryly.
"but the other part was good. I'm glad I don't have to pretend. At least for tonight."
Buffy curled up next to me and laid her head against my chest. Soon she was asleep, breathing
deeply and evenly. I pulled the throw off the couch and put it around her, working as quietly and
carefully as possible. I couldn't bear to wake her. She looked so peaceful.
