Sam


Sam trotted into the commissary and spotted her target, the Colonel, seated at a table eating his cereal. Well, not exactly eating. He had one elbow and arm on the table propping up his weary head, and he looked like he was going to fall into the bowl before him at any second. "Sir" she greeted him as she took the seat opposite and he barely looked up in recognition. "Rough night, Colonel?" she asked, hoping he was lucid enough to fill her in on a few things. The General had told her this morning about his visit with Daniel, which meant the Colonel had known about it last night, in which case he would have flown over to Daniel's apartment as fast as his cranky old jeep could take him. "Yeah Carter" he replied, eyes still glued to his cereal "I've been Daniel-watching all night". She winced in sympathy "Yes, the General told me about forcing Daniel into taking bereavement leave". Jack clucked his tongue; "Was the only was he was going to take it, short of me physically knocking him out and dragging him back to his apartment".

"How is he?" she asked tentatively, knowing that the answer wasn't going to be good. Jack snorted; "Do you mean aside from getting completely hammered, almost trashing his apartment and blaming himself for everything that's happened the past few years? He's fine". At least he was finally facing it, Sam thought, instead of bottling up his feeling and acting like nothing had happened. "Maybe I should go see him" she suggested, more to herself than to Jack.

"I wouldn't bother at the moment, Carter" Jack replied anyway. "I left him snoring in bed with a big bottle of aspirin and a teddy bear. He'll be fine for the moment".

Sam nodded and stood up, leaving the commissary to head for Daniel's office. Maybe she would pick up that translation he was working on and take it over to him. She knew that Daniel would go insane without something to work on, and it would save him a trip to the base. She had felt so helpless since Sha're's death, that she felt even doing that small thing for him might ease her mind. She was very surprised, then, to see a conscious Daniel Jackson sitting at his office desk. Conscious, she noted, but not exactly alert. His eyes were red-rimmed and tired, in fact, his entire face was weary, like he hadn't slept in a year.

Clutched in his hands was the framed picture of Sha're that sat in pride of place on his desk. It had been taken by Ferretti on the first mission, right before the team came back, so Jack had told her. It had been Brown's camera, but he hadn't survived and Ferretti had taken ownership. He had told Sam himself that he just had to get a shot of the woman who had captured Jackson's heart. But like so many things after that first mission, the camera had been discarded and forgotten about, until Ferretti had come across it one day while cleaning out his apartment. He had presented it to Daniel, framed, with great pride, boasting about the beauty of his artistic skills. Sam remembered Daniel saying that maybe it had something more to do with the subject, and had surprised everyone when he'd given Ferretti a brief hug.
It had surprised them even more when Ferretti hugged him back, saying it was his contribution to bringing Sha're back to him.

It had sat on Daniel's desk ever since, Sha're's small, coquettish smile driving him on. But now it was in Daniel's hands, and she watched him as he traced Sha're's face with his fingertips. "Thought you were on leave" she said into the silence, and Daniel flinched slightly. "Yeah…I…um…needed to get a few things". Sam knew he wasn't talking about the translations. "The Colonel gave me the impression that you were knocked out cold" she replied, trying to lighten the depressingly dark atmosphere of the room.

It seemed to work, as Daniel gave one of his half-smiles and replied "Yeah, well I'm not as cheap a date as Jack thinks I am". For some reason, Sam was at a complete loss for words. She had never felt uncomfortable talking to Daniel before, but now a silence yawned between them, one she didn't know how to break and Daniel didn't seem to want too.

""Uh…" She struggled for an opener, but couldn't find one. So many possibilities flew threw her, but she discarded them all as unacceptable.

The knowing smile returned. "You want me to talk".

Relieved, Sam latched onto the conversation; "Only if you want too". She moved to sit on his desk so that she was next to him, if he was ready to open up.

"You always wanted to know" He placed the photo back onto his desk. "But I never talked to you about it"

"What?" she prodded gently, ready to listen to whatever he wanted to say.

"On Chulak that first time, when you asked me about Sha're"

"And you said she was a gift". Sam pursed her lips slightly, remembering being outraged when she discovered that little fact, that the man she had come to admire could be so…barbaric.

A wry smile touched his lips. "No, actually it was Jack who said that. But I never explained…about "accepting" her. I know what you must have thought"

"No, Daniel -"

He held is index finger up to stop her, like he always did when something needed to be explained. "I was wearing the Eye of Ra – the amulet that Catherine gave me. That's why they sent her. I was in the middle of this alien culture, had no idea how to communicate, or how to get us home…and there she was. I didn't understand, that Kasuf was offering her as a bride, not just as a…" he swallowed heavily. "She thought I was rejecting her, that I did not… 'want her'". The small smile again brushed his lips and his voice grew wistful. "She spent our wedding night teaching me her language". His head bowed slightly and Sam put her hand over his in what she hoped was a comforting gesture.

They sat in silence for several moments before he spoke again, abruptly. "She was killed in Ra's pyramid, did you know that?" Sam was surprised, she had heard the story about how they killed Ra many times from the Colonel, but he had never said anything about that. "Shot by Ra's Jaffa" he almost choked on the words, realising how similar it was to her true death. Sam continued to hold his hand, wrapping her fingers around his and urging him to continue. "That's when I realised…I mean…that's when I knew. I saw her lying there…she had been protecting me…" he forced down a sob. "She always protected me" he finished quietly.

When it was clear he wasn't going to continue, Sam gently prodded him "You took her to the sarcophagus on Ra's ship". He nodded, before letting out a sigh "I don't know why I'm telling you this" he said, turning away from her. She moved closer to him, "No, Daniel" she said softly "I'm glad that you feel you can share it with me…how much you loved her". That fact she had always known, hell, his love for his lost wife was almost legend around the SGC. But to hear him talk about it, throwing himself into Ra's clutches to save a woman he had only known a few days, it was a love she could only dream of. She had never felt that way about anybody, certainly not about Jonas, her encounter with Narim had been wonderful but brief, and she was more confused than anything about Martouf's sweet affection. Immersed in her thoughts, she barely noticed Daniel pull away from her, move to stand on the other side of the room, facing his bookcase. Confused, she moved to follow him, but was stopped short by his curt words.

"'You've never really known what love is have you?' Do you remember when I said that, Sam?" His voice had a slight edge to it, although this time she knew it was not directed at her. She was frozen to the spot, unpleasant memories flooding back to her. Under the effects of the sarcophagus or not, there was a truth to his words that had struck home. He had apologised afterwards of course, mortified that he would have taken a stab at her like that, and she had forgiven him. But she had been confronted by that fact that he was right, and hearing him talk about Sha're had just proven it to her.

"I know I was wrong Sam, about you. But now I think I was wrong about me too. I don't think I've ever known what love is".

Although completely surprised, Sam found the will to move again. This wasn't about her love life, this was about Daniel and he needed her. "Daniel" she kept her voice steady, "You and I both know that's not true".

"Do I really? I mean, have I really behaved like someone who knew what love was? I haven't exactly been a faithful husband" He spat out.

Sam drew closer to him tentatively, like someone would a wounded animal ready to lash out. "Daniel, you can't blame yourself for that, you were…unduly influenced" she tried to put delicately.

"What about Ke'ra?" he threw into the room, and the sound of his voice echoed off the walls and into the silence. Sam took a deep breath. They had all been surprised, shocked even, when Daniel had become attached to the younger version of Linea. It had been only a week ago, and only a month since the death of Sha're. At the time she had been confused, she still was, that he had moved on so quickly. But she could see now that he hadn't moved on at all, that he was still rooted in his grief and she didn't know how to help him. "Daniel" she began hesitantly "Just because you were attracted to Ke'ra doesn't been you loved Sha're any less"

"Doesn't it, Sam? I think that's exactly what it means. Obviously I didn't love her as much as I've been claiming these past three years, that's what you all thought, right? If I'd loved her like that, I never would have allowed Ke'ra to kiss me, I never would have kissed her back. I would have been able to bring her back to Earth that time on Abydos when she was pregnant. I never would have left her alone in the pyramid…" He trailed off and faced to shelf again, fingering the dust covers of his books. "She wanted to come, you know" he continued softly. "She wanted to share it with me, but all I could think about was showing you – proving to you – that I was right". He laughed, but it was small and bitter and it chilled Sam's heart. "All of this, Sam" he gestured around him, to his books and notes and collected artifacts. "All of this was so important to me, and I was too stupid to understand how much I needed her until I lost her". His jaw became set in a firm line as he voiced the yearnings of his deepest soul; "If I'd really loved her none of this would have happened".

And that was it, Sam realised. The colonel had said he was hurting, but she didn't know it was this bad, that he was so distraught he was questioning the one thing they all knew he believed wholeheartedly. She felt so inadequate. She could follow military protocol to the letter, she was a good soldier, she knew. She could pretty much out-think anyone in the world when it came to astrophysics, but she couldn't stop his pain, couldn't release his burden. The only thing she could do was pull him into an embrace and hold onto him tightly. His hold was limp at first, unresponsive, but then he gripped her tightly, desperately, like she was his buoy in a vast, rough ocean. She had trouble breathing and the rims of his glasses were digging into her skin where his face was buried against her neck, but she didn't dare pull away from him.
He didn't shed a tear, but she got the feeling from the way the colonel had spoken to her he'd done enough of that the previous night.

When Daniel finally released her, he gave her a small, grateful smile and went to sit back at his desk, once again picking up the picture. She had been dismissed, she knew. He had been comforted by her presence slightly, but now he needed to be alone. Sam began to move towards the door, but felt she couldn't just leave without letting him know how she felt. "Daniel…" she began, and although his gaze didn't waver from the glass in front of him, she knew he was listening. "If anyone knows what love is, it's you. And Sha're knew that" she gave him a sad smile "If you ever want to share anything with me…well…you know where I'll be". He didn't move and inch, so she slowly walked out of the room. As she crossed the threshold, she heard him whisper a soft "Thanks Sam" before she left him in peace. She walked the halls of the SGC aimlessly, simply wishing that there were more she could do. But she was grateful that she gad given him some peace, if only for a brief moment.


Daniel sat alone in his office. He ignored the dancing Egyptians across his computer screen, ignored the stack of paperwork and half-finished translations that cluttered his desk. Instead he stared at the photo of his wife, the only one he had to remember her. But it was quiet and cold in his office as he sat in the half-darkness. Remember, they all had urged, but not here in this steel prison where he couldn't see the sun. In his heart he yearned for sand and heat and the soft lilt of her voice when she called him for supper. He could never find his wife here on a planet she had never seen, never existed except in his dreams.

He needed to go to Abydos.