Review!!! REVIEW!!!! ... It I hadn't made it clear before. I LIKE IT when YOU review.

Episode 4: Passages and Cheesecake.

...

Location: Vampire Base: Armory, in the first floor of the sub-basements.

Charles: (Cleaning up with a dust-buster)

Maxwell: (Comes into the Armory.) Ah, Charles! How are things coming in the Armory?

Charles: Much better now with the dust-buster sir.

Maxwell: ... Um, yes. Very good then.

Charles: And how are things upstairs sir?

Maxwell: Hm? Oh, they're progressing nicely. The Helicopter should be repaired within another day or so.

Charles: Very good sir. And where shall we progress from there?

Maxwell: I'm still planning that out... After going over our last attempt. I'm trying to make revisions here and there. (Mumbles) That and the fact that it takes more paperwork to fill out than instigating a nuclear strike...

Charles: Very good sir.

Maxwell: Um... By the way...

Charles: Hm?

Maxwell: Have you seen Claire anywhere?

...

Location: In the bushes behind a neighbor's house. NIGHT TIME.

Claire: Mmmhh...

Tank: Mmmmhh...

Claire: Wow...

Tank: So... Good...

Claire: Oh yeah...

Tank: Mmh!

Claire: Ugghh....

Tank: That was just... incredible...

Claire: Yeah... I'm going to seriously need to find out where Sophia got this Cheesecake recipe.

Tank: (Licking the crumbs off his plate) Really, that was good stuff...

Claire: Hm...

Tank: ...

Claire: ...

Tank: So are we going to get it on or what?

Claire: ...Okay.

...

Location: Werewolf Base: Rex, Hawk, and Chip are sitting around they're briefing table. (It's actually just a sheet of plywood held up by a couple of milk cartons.)

Rex: So when are we going to start this thing meeting?

Hawk: Hold on! We have to wait for Tank to get back.

Rex: (mutters) Damn it...

Chip: Where'd he go anyways?

Hawk: Um, I'm not quite sure. I think he said he was going to the store to get some Windex.

Chip: Oh.

Everyone: ...

Chip: Wait... Do we even have windows?

Everyone: ...

Rex: (Groans) Can we just get on with the stinking mission already?!

Hawk: (sigh) I still think we should wait for Tank to get back.

Rex: (irritated) So what are we going to do until then?!

Hawk: Well, I was thinking about addressing the issue of who's been using chalk to draw pictures of monkey's slapping themselves on the ass.

Rex: What?!

Chip: Oops... Heh, sorry about that. I got a little drunk the other day and started drawing pictures of Monkey's slapping themselves on the butt.

Rex and Hawk: ...

Chip: Well... it was funny at the time! ... Besides... It's not THAT big of a deal...

Hawk: Well, since you're still kind of the new guy around here, I guess no one told you about Tank's deep seeded fear of Monkeys then.

Chip: ... Say that again?

Rex: Uh, it's kind of a weird story. It's happened on a mission a while back.

Hawk: Here, I'll explain it.

Flashback

Chip: A flashback?! SWEET!!!

(Ahem) FLASH BACK!

Hawk Narration: The Hudson River... Two years ago. We had classified information that a new type of Metal Gear was scheduled for transport.... The whole things stank... But our noses had been out in the cold for too long.

Rex Narration: I swear to god! If you start reciting lines from that stupid video game one more %&#)ing time I'm going to cram that game disk so far up you're ass you'll be coughing up plastic!!!

Hawk Narration: (Ahem)... Uh... (ahem) Four years ago. Tank, Rex and I were on a mission in San Diego. Were we supposed to raid a Vampire scout post hidden in the local zoo.

Chip Narration: Why the zoo?

Hawk Narration: The nocturnal house there was humongous!

Chip Narration: Oh. (still doesn't make any sense)

Hawk Narration: Anyways... we were stealthily making our way to their hide out...

Rex: SON OF A BITCH!!! I stepped in God damned giraffe poop again!

Hawk and Tank: (sigh)...

Hawk Narration: Anyways... there were Vampire guards out dressed as Zoo security...

Rex Narration: Actually, we never really checked if they were Vampires or not, we just sort of snuck up, beat the living crap out of them and dropped their unconscious bodies into one of the nearby cages.

Hawk Narration: Looking back on it, it probably wasn't the best idea to leave them in the reptile exhibits.

Chip Narration: Why?

Rex Narration: One word... Anaconda.

Chip Narration: Oh...

Hawk Narration: So anyways... we made our way to the Nocturnal house...

Rex: So how much farther?!

Tank: Stop griping! Jeeze... (Sigh) looks like the security at the front entrance is too heavily guarded... we'd never make it.

Hawk: I saw a side entrance to the north. If we pass through the primate exhibit, we should be able to get inside with no problems.

Hawk Narration: (sigh) So, we went for the side entrance...

In front of the Primate exhibit

Monkeys: (jumping around screeching and baring they're little fangs)

Hawk: So... Rex. You wanna go first?

Rex: ... No Hawk. To be perfectly honest, I DON'T wanna go first.

Tank: (sigh) If you two are going to be such babies, I'LL go first!

Hawk and Rex: Okay!

Tank: (sighs) Wimps... (Opens the cage and climbs in.) So where's this side entrance.

Hawk: It's at the very back wall.

Tank: Fine. (Begins to head in... then gets slightly nervous)... Uh, what are they doing?

Monkeys: (Deafly quite. Staring at Tank from they're perches with haunted looks)

Rex: Heh... I saw something like this in a Discovery Channel special. These animals were acting all wild and crazy until they spotted some prey and then went deafly silent before striking.

Tank: (Sweating nervously) Yeah... But that was for like... hyenas or something right?

Rex: Nah... It was a special about Monkeys.

Tank: ...

Monkeys: (Scream, lunge and attack Tank)

Tank: AAAAAGGGHHHH!!! Get 'em off! GET 'EM OFF!!!!

Rex: Wow... It's like they instinctively know to go for the throat...

Hawk: We SERIOUSLY need to watch the discovery channel more often.

Tank: AGGH!!! HELP ME YOU IDIOTS!!!

Hawk: Hold on Tank! We're coming!

Monkey: (Turns and hisses at Rex and Hawk)

Rex: Screw that!

Rex and Hawk: (Run for they're lives)

Chip Narration: So you just left him there?

Hawk Narration: (ahem) Well... Uh, you see...

Rex Narration: It was him or us! There's not a jury that would have convicted us! (Mumbles) ...In Connecticut....

Hawk Narration: Anyways... Couple days later, Tank made it back... And aside from the several missing junks of skin, a pint of blood, and a severe(near crippling) phobia of monkeys, he was perfectly fine.

Chip Narration: ... Huh... I wonder why the monkey's attacked him in the first place...

...

Vampire Base:

Samuel: ...And that's why Monkeys hate Lycan.

Sophia: Wow... I didn't know animals could be instinctively programmed to hate Lycan. Are there any other creatures aside from Monkeys?

Samuel: Well... No. It's really just the monkeys.

Sophia: Why monkeys?

Samuel: (Shrugs) Why is the sky blue? Why did Van Gogh kill himself? Why did they make a movie out of Starsky and Hutch? (Shrugs) Nobody knows.

Sophia: But the sky is blue because the oxygen and nitrogen molecules in the atmosphere reflect blue light into our eyes, Van Gogh killed himself because he suffered from a number of possible mental illnesses and depressions, and they made a movie out of Starsky and Hutch because Hollywood is running out of original ideas.

Samuel: ...

Sophia: ... What?

...

Back to the Bushes...

Tank: (Putting his pants back on) Weh... We're gonna have to do this more often...

Claire: (Buttoning up her blouse) Sure... But I just want to make one thing clear before we start doing this again.

Tank: (Thinking) Crap... (Out loud) And that would be?

Claire: I'm not looking for a relationship here or anything got it? I'm just looking for a... quick fix if you know what I mean?

Tank: So... you're saying that you don't want any kind of relationship or emotional attachment...But you still want all the sex, making-out and other 'benefits?'

Claire: Yeah... That about sums it up.... Uh... Are... are you crying?

Tank: (Teary eyed)... I'm... I'm just so HAPPY!!!

Claire: ???

...

Werewolves Base:

Rex: (Whining) Can we pleeeaaase start the briefing now?!

Hawk: (sigh) All right, fine! ... Okay, our original plan before we got side tracked was to infiltrate the vampire's base and sabotage as much of their equipment as possible.

Rex: I like that plan... Just one little, itsy bitsy problem.

Hawk: (sigh) What?

Rex: How the hell do we get into the goddamn base?!

Hawk: ... Um.

Rex: Ha! Didn't think about that one did ya!

Chip: Why don't we just use the secret passageway?

Hawk: Yes! The secret passa-... Wait... (Turns to chip) What secret passageway?

Chip: You know... The secret passageway underneath the Vampire's base.

Rex: What? There's no secret passageway into the vampires bases!

Chip: Sure there is! I found it a couple of days after I was stationed with you guys.

Hawk: ... But why didn't you tell us about it?!

Chip: (Shrugs) I don't remember... I guess I just forgot.

Rex: ...

Hawk: ...

Chip: ... So... Who's up for a game of Yu-Gi-Oh?

...

Vampire Base: Living room: Maxwell and Sophia are sitting in there.

Claire: (Comes walking in the front entrance) Yawn...

Maxwell: Where have you been? I've been trying to get everyone together to discuss our next plan of attack!

Claire: (Shrugs) I was out.

Maxwell: (Crosses arms over his chest) Doing what?

Claire: (Shrugs) A lycan.

Maxwell: Oh, ha, ha... Very funny. I guess now you'll be telling me that dirty oaf I saw at the Rusty Burger was really a lycan in disguise.

Claire: (Shrugs) whatever... (Heads upstairs)

Maxwell: Hmph!

Sophia: So what's a Rusty burger like? I mean... It'd probably taste really awful with all that rust on it... Not very sanitary either...

Maxwell: ...

...

Werewolf base:

Tank: Hey guys I'm back.

Rex: About time! Where the hell have you been?!

Tank: (Blandly) Screwing your mom.

Rex: Damnit! She said she was going to stop doing that for money!

Everyone: ...

Rex: Wait... You were... Joking weren't you?

Tank: Yeah.

Rex: Heh... Uh... So... So was I! Ha... ha... (Sigh) Damn it.

Hawk: Anyways. Were just finishing up our plan on how to infiltrate the Vampire's base.

Tank: I thought we were still trying to figure out a way into the base.

Hawk: We have one.

Tank: !!!

...

Some time later, in another part of the sewers.

Tank: So this leads right underneath the vampire's base?

Chip: Yep. Right down this passage there's a big metal door with a big V on it.

Rex: All right! Let's go!

Tank: Seriously man. Why didn't you tell us about this sooner?

Chip: I don't know... Like I said, I guess I just forgot.

Tank: ...

Everyone heads down the passage, coming up to the metal door.

Hawk: It's almost TOO easy.

Tank: Think maybe we should wait and think about this first?

Everyone: ...

Rex: (pfft!) Screw that! I'm going in! (Begins to tug at the door)

Chip: You know... I think I'm starting to remember why I didn't mention this place sooner...

Hawk: (Giving chip an odd look) you are?

Chip: Yeah... I think...

Rex: (Tugs harder on the door)

Chip: (snaps his fingers) I remember now!

Door: (click)

Chip: It's because the door is booby-trapped.

Everyone: ...

Machine gun turrets pop out of the walls everywhere.

Tank: (sigh) And the day started off so well...

Machine guns: (Targets the werewolves and begins firing)

Hawk: RUN FOR IT!!!!

Everyone scrambles out of the passageway while machine gun fire comes at them from behind.

Chip: (Running) One more thing guys! There's also a lot of-

(Click)

Chip: (Falling) Trapdoooooooorrrrssss.... (Thump)

Rex: Oh sh-(Falls though a trap door) iiiiiittttt!!!!!

Hawk: (huff) I suddenly (huff, huff) realized (huff) that this wasn't (huff) a very well thought out plan!

A trap door springs open, but Hawk leaps over it.

Hawk: Ha ha ha ha!!! I'm not THAT st-

Another trap door opens right where Hawk was landing.

Hawk: (Falling) upiiiiiidddd....

Tank: Well... I guess that just leaves-

(click)

Tank: Mmmmmeeeeeeeee...

(Thump)

Tank: (groans) Oh man... (Gets up and looks around the dark room...) Where the hell...

Suddenly, Tank sees at least a dozen glowing eyes staring at him.

Tank: (gulp) Uh... nice... w-whatever you ares...

Glowing eyes: (Begin to get closer)

Tank: (Mumblings) Don'tbemonkeys Don'tbemonkeys Don'tbemonkeys!!!!

The glowing eyes step closer, revealing them to be a large pack of Dobermans.

Tank: (Phew) Thank god... They're just a pack of Dobermans... (Sigh) At least they're not monkeys...

...

Tank: Wait a minute...

Dobermans: (Begin to growl)

Tank: N-nice doggies... (Begins to make warding gestures with his hands)

Dobermans: (Growl even more fiercely)

Tank: (Sigh) You know what... Screw this! (Growls even more fiercely at the Dobermans)

Dobermans: Eep! (Run away)

Tank: (sigh) Now how the hell do I get out of here...

...

Chip: (Groans) Damn... that was one hell of a fall! (Looks around)

Notices he's in a dimly lit passageway. On one end of the passageway there is a door that says EXIT. Several feet in front of the door there is a series of saws, blades, and spikes twirling around, shooting in and out and spinning around like buzz saws. There are two ends to this passage. Want to guess which side Chip is on?

Chip: ... (Looks at all the blades, spikes and other assortment of pointy and most definitely painful objects)... This... this is SO COOL!!!! It's like RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARC!!!!

Chip: (Takes several steps back and then runs forward. He jumps, flips, corkscrews, and performs a number of acrobatic feats before landing on the opposite end in front of the exit.) OH YEAH!!!! Indiana Jones ain't got nothing on this!! And not a scratch on me!!! BOOYAH!!!!

Chip: (Heads to the exit. Completely oblivious of the fact that the back of his shirt and pants are shredded)

...

Rex: (Groan) Man... That is the absolute LAST time I Irish up my apple juice... (Blinks several times before realizing where he is) Ah damn it...

Rex gets up off the ground and notices that he is in square room. On one wall there is a large door, which appears to be locked. Several feet in front of the door there is a Stone pedestal with a single piece of paper on it.

Rex: (Plucks the paper off the pedestal and reads it) Dear Lycan Scum... If you are reading this, then it means that you have tried to gain entrance into our base. Also, if you are reading this, it means you have also FAILED to get in our base! ... If you wish to escape with your life, then you must first solve these puzzles three! ... They will test you're dull primitive mind beyond all recognition, if you wish to unlock the door, you must first solves these puzzles...

Rex looks over at the opposites wall facing the door and notices three very complex looking puzzles on the wall.

Rex: (Continues reading) But, because you are a dull idiot. You will never survive. HA. HA. HA.

-Samuel

PS: The two adjoining walls will also sprout spikes to kill you if you do not finish in time.

Rex: ...

Walls: (Spikes suddenly protrude and begin to inch closer to the center of the room.

Rex: (Looks over at the puzzles, then the door, and then the paper... And then repeats the process several times)... Screw this! (Bunches up the paper and tosses it over his shoulder)

Rex Then morphs into Werewolf Rex!

Werewolf Rex: (Rips the pedestal out of the ground and flings it at the door, causing the door to bust open.

Rex turns back to normal and walks out of the room, whistling all the way.

...

Hawk is standing in the middle of what looks like a complex maze.

Hawk: (sigh) I bet the vampires are just laughing this up...

...

In the armory:

Charles: (Is busy polishing the gun racks)

...

Samuel's room:

Samuel: (On a bike machine, with an excessively large sweatband on his hand. He appears to be watching... Jerry Springer?) That's right bubba... You show her who's boss!

...

Sophia's Room:

Sophia: (Rearranging her socket puppet collection... Please don't ask.)

...

In the main office:

Maxwell: (Filing paperwork, citations, notes, bills, taxes, dirty laundry and crock-pot recipes)

...

Hawk: (sigh) It'll probably take me forever to get out of this... Hmmm... Maybe if I commune with several of my ancestors... They'll Guide me out of this labyrinth!

Hawk Proceeds to get into a cross-legged position. After a moment of silence he begins to perform a ritual chant... You know... those ritual India-(ahem) I mean Native American ritual things... You know... where they summon one of their spiritual ancestors... THAT ritual stuff... What?! I don't know how to explain it!

Hawk: (Meditating) Oh great ancestors of old... Lend me your ears... your eyes... And... What the heck, your noses too...

Suddenly the room changes colors and Hawk suddenly appears to be floating on a cloud in the middle of an open sky. And elderly man appears, slightly transparent.

Grandfather Hawk: Grandson... You have called for me.

Hawk: (Nods) Yes Grandfather... I require your assistance.

Grandfather Hawk: (Sigh) Figures... Its not like I should have expected you to come visit me just for the hell of it.

Hawk: Er...

Grandfather: I mean... It you never visited while I was alive... I why should I expect you to come see me in the after life?

Hawk: (Irritated sigh) Grandfather...

Grandfather: Young people today! Why back in my day, an elder was shown proper respect! He was appreciated for his age and wisdom...

Hawk: ... (Mutters) Is going to take a while?

Grandfather: That brings me to another thing! What is it with you kids and your baggy pants? And get a belt buckle for god sake! I don't need to know whether your wearing Kelvin Kline or Fruit of the Loom!

...

Some time later...

Hawk: Are you finished now?

Grandfather: All right, all right... What is it you want you ingrate.

Hawk: ... THIS is why I never visited you when you were alive.

Grandfather: Get to the point already!

Hawk: Can you just help guide me through this stink'in maze already?! My God! I probably could have found my own way out by now!

Grandfather: Is that all? Just take the passage to your left, take the third right and make another left. There will be a big door surrounded by neon lights labeled "Exit."

Hawk: Are you kidding me?

Grandfather: Do I LOOK like I'm kidding you?

Hawk: Well... It's kind of hard to say... you know... You being transparent and all...

Grandfather: Oh right... Anyways, blah, blah, blah, blah... words of wisdom and all that other crap. Now get the hell out of the Spirit World!

Hawk: (Irritated look) Thanks grandfather...

Hawk makes his way back to the real world.

Hawk: Rest In Peace my ass...

Grandfather's Voice: Ingrate!

Hawk: (sigh)

Hawk proceeds to follow the path out of the maze.

...

Tank is still wandering through the dark corridor.

Tank: (Sigh) And the day started off so well... Damn it! Does this corridor have an exit or what?!

Tank suddenly trips on a flight of stairs.

Tank: What the... (Begins to climb up the stairs)

At the top of the stairs there is a short passage leading to a large wooden door.

Tank: Crap... this seems almost... TOO easy...

...

Tank: Aw screw it. (Heads for the door and tries to open it) Come on open you stupid son of a-

(Click)

Tank: ... Why does this feel horribly familiar all of a sudden?

Claire: (Opens the door from the other side) –what is going on?! (Notices Tank) What the hell are you doing in my closet?!

Tank: ... Closet?

Claire: Yes! My closet! How the hell did you even get in here?

Tank looks around and finds that he appears to be in Claire's room.

Tank: But... I fell down a trap door! There was a long dark passage... attack dogs!

Claire: (Shrugs) What can I say? I need a lot of space for my clothes.

Tank: And the attack dogs?

Claire: I have VERY expensive shoes in there. I wouldn't want anyone to steal them.

Tank: ...

Claire: So you DIDN'T come here to make-out?

Tank: No. I got stuck in here because of some stupid trapdo- Wait... what was that about making-out?

...

Sometime later back at the Werewolf base: Chip, Rex and Hawk are sitting in the middle of the room... Hawk is helping to re-stitch Chip's clothes.

Hawk: Well... I sure as hell wouldn't mind getting temporary memory lost to forget this little debacle...

Rex: At least I broke something when I escaped...

Chip: That was so freak'in cool! I mean! I was like all Jackie Chan and stuff, jumping over spikes, ducking blades. It was awesome!!

Rex and Hawk: ...

Chip: Well... You know... Except for the part where I nearly got ripped to shreds...

Rex: Hey... Is that a Tattoo on your butt?

Chip: N-no!

Hawk: Hey yeah... It is! It says... "Blue eyes, white dragon forever?" What the hell is that?

Chip: ...

Tank comes walking in.

Tank: Hey guys...

Chip: Oh hey! You're alive!

Rex: Damn it! (Hands Hawk twenty bucks) Damn man! One of these days you're seriously going to have to die! I can't keep loosing my money like this!

Tank: ...

Hawk: Anyways... You okay?

Tank: (Shrugs) I'm fine.

Rex: This was a disaster...

Tank: (Shrugs) ... It wasn't that bad...

Everyone: ...

Tank heads to his room.

Rex: (sigh) I bet those Vampires are laughing it up right now...

...

Vampire Base:

Maxwell: (Still going through papers) ... Bill... Bill... advertisement to enlarge my penis... Bill... I may have just won 32 million dollars... Bill... Old blue prints for various booby traps and security measures below the base... Bill... Wait a minute... (Looks back at the blue prints and reads them eagerly)... This... this is...! ...Oh wait, Samuel wrote these.

Maxwell shrugs and throws the blue prints into the trash can.

Maxwell: Now where was I? Oh right... Bill... Bill...Oh! Coupons to Rusty Burger! All right!

...

And so ends another wonderful chapter from yours truly... Will the Werewolves ever infiltrate the Vampire base? Will the vampires be able to wade through the see of paper work needed to progress to their next plan? Hell! Even I don't know!

The ever illusive,

Hyper Guyver