Reviewing this Chapter would be beneficial to your health… (Pulls out a chart with a bunch of graphs and X-Rays on it) It's been scientifically proven!
Episode 5: Caesar Salads and Crutonians part 1…
At the end of our last episode, the Werewolves were still in the middle of licking their wounds as they faced a disastrous failure at infiltrating the vampire's base. The vampires, not having a single clue to what the hell was going on below their own mansion… But hey! 25 off your next Rusty Burger meal… That'd keep anybody distracted.
But now it has been at a couple of months since the said incident. The vampires and werewolves proceeded to get into a few minor skirmishes, but nothing mention worthy. Vampires attacked, werewolves defend. Werewolves attack, vampires defend… The same 'ol thing… Uh, well, except for the time aliens from the planet Cruton invaded the neighborhood. But with a tankard truck full of ranch dress, and fresh Salad mix the Crutonians were shown just how in over their head they were… it also showed just how well they complimented a Caesar salad!
But now, lately, the vampires have been practically inactive. There has been no hostile activity from the vampires for nearly an entire month. It's beginning to weigh on the Werewolve's concern and suspicions.
Now…. On with the episode!
Location: Werewolf base: Briefing room: Tank, Rex, Hawk, and Chip are sitting around their briefing table/dinner table.
Tank: (Eating chow mien) Well guys, I guess your wondering why I called you all here today.
Chip: (Eating an egg roll) Huh? I thought we were just having breakfast.
Hawk: (fried rice) that's what I thought.
Rex: (Too busy eating to listen)
Tank: Uh, well I call you for breakfast too… But I was a more important reason for why were all here right now.
Chip: Is this about who stole all of Hawk's burritos?
Hawk: (Sigh) Okay… 1. I don't like burritos. 2. I'm not a Mexican damnit! I. Am. A Native American!
Chip: Dude… Why must you deny your ancestral heritage? Be proud man! Be Mexican! Hail Mexico! Home of the Burrito!
Everyone: …
Hawk: … (Nods his head solemnly) Okay… I'm gonna kill ya.
(Hawk tries to lunge at Chip from across the table, but is restrained by Rex and Tank)
Rex: No man! Think of the food! THINK OF THE FOOD!!!
Hawk: (Starts to settle down)… R-right…. I'm sorry guys… I… I don't know what came over me… all that precious food… crushed under my weight, as I was about to sail over the table to kill him… Thank you for stopping me.
Chip: … Um… Am I really less important than left-over Chinese food?
Tank: Don't worry, your still more important than left-over polish food.
Chip: (Phew) That's a relief…
Hawk: (sighs and sits back down) So what's this important thing you've got to tell us about?
Tank: Huh? Oh that… Yeah, were getting a new member to our group later today.
Everyone: What?!
Tank: Y'up. I got a letter telling me that some Jack is on his way here. He should be here by this afternoon.
Chip: Yes! I won't be the Newbie anymore!!! Wh00t! AHA HAHAHA!!!!
Tank: (Sweat drop) Damn man, calm down.
Rex: So we get a new guy… big whoop (goes back to eating his meal)
Everyone starts eating again.
Tank: Well, I'm off. I'll be back in a while.
Hawk: (Eating a pork bun and not paying attention) Later dude.
Tank leaves the briefing room…
Chip: Anyone ever wonder what he does when he leaves like that?Rex: (Shrugs) I don't know… probably off screwing a vampire or something… (eats another egg roll)
Everyone: … … … AHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Hawk: (Wiping a tear from his eye) Oh… that was a good one…
Chip: Heh, I wonder what this Jack guy is going to be like…
…
Location: Vampire base: Outside the bathroom.
Claire: (Steps out of the bathroom groaning.) Ugh… I don't feel so well…
Sophia: (Waiting outside the door in a bathrobe and a pink toothbrush in her mouth) Naw, wonga. Ooh hate agot oh Geezgake.
Claire: (Sigh) Take the toothbrush out of your mouth darling…
Sophia: (Takes the toothbrush out of her mouth) Oops… Sorry. I said: No wonders. You ate a lot of cheesecake last night.
Claire: (groans) But it was so good! I couldn't control myself…
Sophia: But look at you! You look horrible! Your clothes are wrinkled, your haven't put on any make-up yet and let's not get started on your hair!
Claire: I just did my hair!
Sophia: … Oh… Uh… It, um, looks nice… heh…
Claire: (Glares)
…
Location: Vampire Base: top floor of the mansion, inside Samuel's laboratory.
Samuel, surprisingly enough is actually hard at work. He is currently tweeking some large mechanical… Uh… Doo-Hicky… Yeah! Doo-hicky!… A complex, mechanical doo-hicky…
… What? Doo-Hicky is word!… It is!
Samuel: (Busily working on the… Doo-hicky)
Maxwell: (Comes into the room) Ah, Samuel, how goes things?
Samuel: (still working) Um… Very good sir. I should be finished within a day or so.
Maxwell: Ah, very good. You've been working on this for at least…
Samuel: A month.
Maxwell: Yes. A month…
Samuel: (Atill working) …
Maxwell: Um… Just out of curiosity… WHAT are you building exactly?
Samuel: Hm… Oh! Yes, it's a weapon.
Maxwell: A weapon?
Samuel: Yes.
Maxwell: And you've been working on this for the last month?
Samuel: Yes.
Maxwell: And you didn't tell me?
Samuel: Yes…. Wait… uh…
Maxwell: (Sigh) Exactly what does it do?
Samuel: (Getting up and dusting himself off) It's a high particle weapon designed to fire a mega ton blast in all directions.
Maxwell: R-really…
Samuel: Yes. As it stands, it will blanket a two-mile radius. Exterminating all the lycan in that area.
Maxwell: Really?!
Samuel: Yes! And it's almost finished.
Maxwell: Perfect!
Samuel: Yes… well, the hard part was getting the particle accelerator to disperse the energy from a solid beam into a multi-directional blanket and…
Maxwell: (not paying attention) Yes, yes. Whatever. Just finish it quickly.
Maxwell exits the room, leaving Samuel to babble on.
Samuel: … And then there was the little matter of the beam dissolving all matter within its encompassing radius, but I'm sure I'll have that solved… Um… eventually…
…
Later at the Werewolf's base…Chip: So, what do you think this Jack guy is like?
Tank: Well… the letter here says he's a master of hand-to-hand combat and small arms.
Hawk: Really? Perfect. After that incident with that one vampire we could really use some help.
Tank: (Turns to Chip and Rex) You know, you two STILL haven't told me what happened with that.
Rex: (Grumbles) I don't want to talk about it…
Chip: (sigh) Well, I guess it'd come out eventually… This is what happened…
Rex: (groans)…
FLASHBACKThe middle of the night, down the street at the back corner of the local park.
Chip and Rex are chasing after a lone figure, which turns out to be Charles.
They Chase Charles until the come to a large fence, Charles is backed into the fence and appears to be out of ammo.
Chip: Yes! We finally have one of these guys!
Rex: (Cracking his knuckles) I'm so going to enjoy this…
Charles: (Looking calm and collect) I would advice against that.
Chip: What?
Charles: I would suggest that the two of you vacate immediately.
Rex: (Snort) Yeah? And why would we do that?
Chip: Yeah! We know you're out of ammo!
Charles: True… (Pulls something off of his belt) But I still have this! (Reveals the object in his hands)
Rex and Chip: (GASP!)
Rex: Crap… It's a can of Whoop-Ass!
Chip: Do you think we can still take him?
Rex: Hell no!
Charles: (Pops the top on the can)
Can: (PFFT!)
Rex: Uh, oh…
WAM!
SMACK!
CRACK!
SLAP!
CRUNCH!
WOOSHA!
BAMG!
WHAM-O!
…
END FLASH BACKHawk: So he opened up a can of Whoop-Ass on the two of you?
Chip: (Sigh) yep…
Hawk: Damn man… That stuff is expensive…
Tank: Well, that's enough story time. Jack should be here any moment now. So just remember…
Everyone: (Looks at Tank)
Tank: Just try to act like professionals for at least the first five minutes.
Hawk: No Prob.
Chip: Can do.
Rex: I won't make any promises.
The manhole in the ceiling of the room opens ups
Tank: Oh! Here he comes!
A figure drops down into the room carry a bag almost as big as the figure.
Chip: (Whispers to Hawk) Damn, this guy is really short…
Hawk: (Whispers back) Yeah, I guess there goes the idea of him taking on that big black guy…
The figure turns around to face everyone.
Everyone: (GASP!)
Jack: Hey, I'm Jack. Nice to meet you guys. I hope we'll be able to work together to really stick it to the vampires.
Everyone: (Still staring)
Jack: … What?
Chip: … Y-you… You're… You're a girl!!
Jack: Huh?
Indeed. Jack is at most, 5'2, long black hair with distinguishable oriental features.
Tank: Huh… Uh… We we're kind of expecting a guy…
Jack: Oh… that.
Chip: Girl!
Hawk: Is your name really Jack?
Jack: Well, my full name is Jackie Matsumoto, but everyone just calls me Jack for some reason.
Chip: (Jumping up and down) Girl!!
Rex: (Looking down at Jack) Damn… you're a combat master? I could through you around the room with one hand!
Jack: And I could snap your spinal cord in ten places before you even laid a grimy hand on me.
Rex: … Oh…
Chip: GIRL!!!!!
Hawk: (Dragging chip out of the room) I think somebody needs to take a nap…
Hawk drags Chip out of the room and out of sight.
Chip: GIR-
CRACK!
Hawk comes back into the room dusting his hands off.
Everyone: …
Tank: (Ahem) anyways… Uh… I guess you really weren't what we were expecting, but I guess the more help the better.
Jack: All right.
Rex: (Sigh) I'm gonna go to the store and get myself some apple juice…
Rex leaves the room through the manhole Jack entered through.
Jack: (Turns to Tank) Apple juice?
Tank: Don't. Ask.
Jack: Uh, okay…
Tank: Well, welcome to the team and just one quick word of advice…
Jack: What?
Tank: We haven't had any women here, EVER. So I advice you get a lock for your room.
Jack: (Disgusted look) They wouldn't!
Tank: Huh? OH! No, no, no… No, they would do anything like… THAT… The lock is really just to make sure your underwear doesn't disappear in the first two days.
Jack: (Eye twitch)…
…
Several minutes later in the park: Sophia, Charles, Maxwell and Samuel are hiding behind a bush.
Maxwell: Are you sure this trap will work?
Charles: Yes, sir. I am positive.
Maxwell: I don't know… It just seems… a little primitive…
In front of the bush, the vampires are watching a rope trap set in the middle of the park, tied to a nearby tree, with bait in the center of the loop.
Charles: Fear not sir. Lycan are dull witted creatures. They will easily fall for the trap.
Sophia: (Giggling) This is fun!
Samuel: Um… did I really have to come along?
Maxwell: Yes. When were on missions like this, I want everyone together.
Samuel: THIS is a MISSION?!
Maxwell: (Sigh)…
Charles: But where is Miss Claire?
Sophia: Oh, she's still sick.
Maxwell: Too much Cheesecake last night?
Sophia: Yep. She threw up all morning.
Maxwell: Hmm… Well, I hope she's all right.
Sophia: Don't worry. I gave her a couple of bags of blood and my favorite book! She'll be fine.
Samuel: You're favorite book?
…
Back at the mansion, Claire's roomClaire: (Sitting in bed, holding a book) … The Cat in the Hat?
…
Everyone: …
Sophia: … What?
Maxwell: Anyways… I have questions on the choice of bait for this trap.
Charles: Is there a problem with the bait sir?
Maxwell: It's just… Dull-witted or not. Do you honestly think a Lycan is stupid enough to walk into such an obvious trap, just for a porno magazine?
Charles: Well sir…
SNAP!
Maxwell, Sophia, and Charles look to see Samuel hanging upside down from his leg, holding the dirty magazine.
Maxwell: …
Charles: Hmm… Maybe we SHOULD re-consider our choice of Bait…
Sophia: Oh! I've got the perfect thing!
Charles and Maxwell look at Sophia quizzically.
Samuel: (Hanging upside down) Um… A little help here?
…
Sophia returns a short time later and the trap is reset.
Maxwell: (Sigh)
Sophia: What?
Maxwell: Apple Juice?
Sophia: Yes.
Maxwell: Apple Juice.
Sophia: Uh-huh.
Maxwell: (rubbing his temples) Sophia… If we ever run into the vampire that sired you, please tell me.
Sophia: (Blink, blink…) Um, Samuel is over there. (Points to Samuel who is reading the dirty magazine.)
Maxwell: Samuel?
Sophia: Uh-huh.
Maxwell: Samuel, could you come here for a moment?
Samuel: (Puts away the magazine and walks over to Maxwell) Yes-
KRACK!
Sophia: Oh my…
Samuel is lying on the ground unconscious.
Maxwell: (Relieved sigh) That… felt good.
Charles: So what shall we replace the apple juice with sir?
Maxwell: Hmmm… Maybe…
SNAP!!
Everyone: … (Slowly turns to look at the trap)
Rex: (Holding onto the apple juice while hanging upside down) … Crap.
Sophia: Yay! It worked! (Does the V sign with her fingers)
Maxwell: …
Charles: Shall we commence with the extermination sir?
Maxwell: …
Sophia: Hee! Hee! He's so surprised it worked he's speechless!!!
Charles: Hmm…
Rex: (Still hanging upside down) …
Maxwell: You… you…
Charles: Sir?
Maxwell: (Points at Rex) You're that disgusting lout from Rusty Burger!!!
Charles: ???
Rex: … Crap.
Maxwell: (Pulls out his gun and cocks it) This for spitting in my burger you lycan freak!
Rex: Well that's what you get for not tipping!
Maxwell: It was a fast food restaurant moron! You don't tip!
Rex: Oh.
Maxwell: I'm going to enjoy this! (Aims his gun)
Charles: Wait sir! What if he's not a Lycan?
Maxwell: What?
Charles: (Steps between Rex and Maxwell) Sir, I'm not quite sure I recognize him. He might not be a Lycan.
Rex: (Notices something attached to Charles Belt) Uh… Yeah! What if I'm not a Lycan… er… W-whatever … that is…
Maxwell: B-but…
Sophia: That's true! He looks like a bum, but I've never actually seen what any of the Lycan look like up close…
Rex: (Tries to grab object on Charles's belt)
Maxwell: (Grumbles) well… that's true… It usually is quite dark… but…
Charles: …But?
Rex: (Reaches out and just barely snatches object off of Charles's belt)
Maxwell: (Aims his gun back at Rex) He still spit in my burger!!!
Charles: …
Rex: …
Sophia: …
Maxwell: …
Charles: … (Shrugs) Fair enough. (Steps out of the way)
Maxwell: Say your prayers burger spitter!
(PFFT!)
Maxwell: What the-
WHAM!
CRACK!
SMACK!
POW!
BAM!
BONK!
WACK!
SLAM!
CHOKE HOLD!
WHAM-O!!!
Maxwell: Ugh…
Charles: mmmmh…
Sophia: Zzzzzzzz…
Rex: (Unties himself from the tree and lands on his feet)
Rex: (Phew) That was a close one… (Throws the empty can of Whoop-Ass over his shoulder) Man that stuff is awesome!
Rex picks up the rest of his apple juice and begins to head on his way.
Rex: … Oh hey! (Picks up the dirty magazine laying next to Samuel) Cool! Beat the crap out of some Vampires; get an extra bottle of apple AND free porn! (Sigh) This is the best night ever.
Rex walks the rest of the way home whistling merrily.
…
Some time later…Maxwell: Ugh… (Gets up, clutching his head) What happened?
Sophia: (yawns) That was a nice nap.
Maxwell: …
Charles: (Getting up while clutching his head)… It appears the Lycan was able to get his hands on a can of Whoop-Ass.
Maxwell: (Groans) Wonderful…
Samuel: Ugh… (Gets up too)
Maxwell: (Sigh) well, this was a bit of a failure… Let's pack up and head for base. We still have Samuels project to fall back on.
Charles: Of course, sir.
The vampires begin to pack up and leave when suddenly.
Samuel: (Gasp!) Oh no!
Maxwell: What is it?
Samuel: Somebody took my Magazine!
Maxwell: …
CRACK!
Samuel :Ugh…
The rest of the vampires return back to base.
To be continued…
And so concludes another episode of Underworld: Battle for Crow Canyon Dr.! What shall happen in our next episode? Will the vampires pull off Samuels plan to destroy all the Lycan will a particle bomb? Will Claire realized the dark secrets of cheesecake? And will all of Jack's underwear go missing?! Find out and much more in the next episode of Underworld: Battle for Crow Canyon Dr. "Caesar Salads and Crutonians part2"
The ever illusive,
Hyper Guyver
