The Hogwarts Prophet

September 1995

1995-1996 year Issue 1

Well, well. I bet none of you were expecting to see us this year, were you? I see the surprise on your faces as you read this. Welcome to the new year of: The Hogwarts Prophet.

Starring everyone's favorite writers:

Amos Quito

Ivanna Kyss

Professor Adam Balm

Oliver Troubles

With Features like:

New Articles

Virgin Alert

Teacher Flubs

School News (?)

Must Have Gossip!

Don't miss a single issue, beginning with this wondrous offering! Wonderful, isn't it?

We begin the biographies of this years writers in no particular order. Calm down everyone, there are enough issues for all of you!

This issues special article is a teacher biography from Professor Severus Snape! How exciting!

Pen Name: Oliver Troubles

Age: 2... Alright, 2 1/2

Sex: Female... Male... what's in a gender?

Offspring: Wouldn't you like to know... Wait, wouldn't I like to know...

Place of Origin: My Mother

Greatest Love: Pizza

Hair Color: Slytherin green

Eye Color: Slytherin Silver

Fav. Color: Gryffindor Gold

Fav. Food: Slytherins... I mean, lamb chops. (Wait, same thing. Yummy, sacrificial lamb.)

Fav. Book: "There's an infinite number of monkeys outside who want to talk to us about this script for Hamlet they've worked out."

Fav. Movie: "How's that for an old guy?" "Pretty old."

Fav. Song: "Turn your face away from the garish light of day..."

Hobbies: Laughing at misfortune in the world... usually my own.

Worst subject: Care of Magical Creatures

Best Subject: Potions (The Professor likes meeeeee!!!)

Fav. Subject: Charms

One wish: World peace. I have a really bad headache.

Quote: "If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back... Hunt it down and kill it."