Disclaimer: No, I don't own Harry Potter. But some really nice reviewer could buy it for me for my birthday! winkwink

Note: You have no idea how happy I was when I got home, and saw all my nice, shiny reviews! Thank you so much! (if you want email updates, or summin, just leave your, uh, email in your review, or tell me in the review, or, I don't know)

Chapter II- Meet the Malfoy

"……giggle…..at this, Neville let out a little moan, and Malfoy, God, I have a first name! stopped dead in his tracks."

Draco adjusted his daughter, Katrine, who was sleeping on his chest, then looked over at Dobby, and donned the snootiest face he could provide.

"'The forest?' he repeated, and he didn't sound quite as cool as usual. 'We can't go in there at night- there's all sorts of things in there- werewolves, I heard.'"

Dobby sniggered along with Draco, who was having a delightful time making fun of his fictional self. "I sound like the biggest pansy-ass kid in the world. I wonder what the fans make of me?"

"Neville clutched the sleeve of Harry's robe…" Draco wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, causing Dobby to snort loudly, "…….and made a choking noise. 'That's your problem, isn't it?' said Filch, his voice cracking with glee. 'Should've thought of them werewolves before you got in trouble, shouldn't you?' Oh Shut up Filch, you old prune!"

"As I recall," Dobby interjected, pointing on of his long fingers at the mantel, "Mr. Filch was Master's gardener, was he not?"

"You recall correctly, Dobby," Draco said curtly. The bundle on his chest stirred a bit, and opened it's tired, long-lashed eyes.

"Hello, sleepy," he whispered at her. She blushed slightly, and buried her face back into the shoulder of his robes. He laughed quietly, and continued reading.

"Hagrid came striding toward them out of the dark, Fang at his heel. He was carrying his large….."

SLAM!

"Draco?"

He stood up, steadying Katrine, a stupid grin on his face. Handing off the book to Dobby, he walked into the hall, and gave Hermione a small chaste kiss.

"Mmmm, have a good day?"

She placed a warm hand on his chest. "We need to talk."

-----------------

"So, you're an heir to a gigantic fortune? Wow, how original." Hermione rolled her eyes. "it seems that she hasn't really changed any of the main characters."

"Except for the relationships. I couldn't help but notice that you despise me," Draco said, looking hurt. "I wasn't that bad, was I?"

"I had a crush on you, but I suppose she underplayed it a bit." Hermione sighed, then began rubbing her temples with her fingertips. "I don't know, I haven't read the books. All I know has been taken from Internet sources."

He laughed. "Wow, that's really reliable, Mione. What did you find out?"

"Well," she turned a slight green. "I think The Author put Ron and I together."

Cough.

"Draco?"

Cough.

"Draco, that's not funny."

Cough.

"Hun, you're scaring me. Stop staring at the wall."

Cough.

She smacked his head lightly.

"Owww, that hurt," he protested. "I was just a bit….shocked, that's all. What about Ginny?"

"She made Ginny his sister."

A delicious smile rode across his features. "I bet he loves that."

Hermione frowned. "I don't think he's read the books," she said. Walking towards "his" chair, she picked up the copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.

"How are they?"

Draco looked up from the fire. "huh?"

"The books, Draco. Are they good?"

"I've only read the beginning of the first one, and, all things aside, it's very well written." He grinned. "Give them a try."

---------------

Dh4evr has just signed on

Hermione bit her lip, and clicked the pop-up.

Leomum says: hi

Dh4evr says: hey, ur that dh-er at the library, righ?

Leomum says: yeah. I just read the books again, and im a bit bummed.

Hermione had read the books finally, after 3 days of non-stop power reading. It had been a long, and sometimes tedious trip, but she had come out the other side standing, a bit confused, respect for The Author overflowing. She truly was a gifted writer, turning their story into that.

Dh4evr says: y don't you go read some ff? It always cheers me up

Leomum says: wats ff?

Dh4evr says: fanfiction

The words "fan" and "fiction", melded together, intrigued her.

Leomum says: tell me more……

--------------------

"…..so in fanfiction, there are many types of Dracos."

Hermione sketched a little makeshift diagram onto a cocktail napkin at their lounge bar, consisting of the words "Draco", "good" and "bad". Draco leant forward , sipping thoughtfully at his martini, while she continued.

"the first is Nice!Draco, which breaks into these subplots of Tortured!Draco and Gay!(female equivalent)Draco."

Drinking!Draco choked on his drink, spewing the contents back into the glass.

"Gay or tortured? That's not nice."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Gay!(female equivalent)Draco is very sensitive, loving and nice to his partner, either Harry or Ron, or occasionally someone else. This Draco enjoys picking flowers, and writing poetry."

"How can they even give that character my name? He's not me!" He squinted at the napkin. "and why are there little exclamation points? Are they important?"

"No! They're just there for decoration. Anyway, Tortured!Draco has almost always been beaten by his father in the secret torture chambers under Malfoy Manor."

"I didn't know we had a manor….."

"Apparently you grew up in a giant one situated on a rocky, secluded island, but lets not get into that." Hermione began drawing a great deal of sprawling and connecting lines on her napkin. "Tortured!Draco will either branch into Protective!Draco, and become a knight-in-shining armor type, or he will end up over here," she drew the word "evil" and put a bow around it, "and become and Insane/Masochist!Draco."

"So let me get this straight," he said, gesturing with his toothpick. "Poor Draco gets tortured by his dad, then sent off to school, where he either becomes a sugary sweet fluffball, or an insane masochist?"

"Insane SLASH Masochist!" Hermione emphasized. "Speaking of which, Harry SLASH Draco is very popular…."

Draco shook his head. "Let's not get into that just yet."

"Ok." She drew another line from the "good" side. "This is semi-nice Draco, branching into LoveObject!Draco and Intelligent!Draco." Giving him a don't-interrupt look, she continued her lecture. "LoveObject!Draco is either Confused! Or Caring!. I suppose that's pretty self explainitory?" He nodded. "Intelligent!Draco covers a lot of bases, as most authors assume Draco in general isn't a half-wit. This Draco is either a SmartArseComments!Draco or Head Boy, which subsequently means that he will have lots of awkward situations with the Head Girl."

"Which is you," Draco observed.

"Yes. Now here," she circled the word "bad", and he grinned. "Over here there are the Semi-Evil Dracos, which are really only one sort." She paused for effect. "The SexGod!Draco."

"Naturally."

"This is the most common Fan Fic Draco, with the leather pants and black satin boxers. He's the one who snogs in the library, and has sex with every female in Hogwarts. But there is one who eludes his charms. Care to guess who?"

He smirked. "The ever-frigid Hermione Granger, of course."

"Exactly. Ten points to Slytherin. SexGod!Draco sprouts into the ProwlingPredator!Draco, and chases after her, screws her in the Astronomy Tower, then, depending on the circumstances, he becomes the ever-popular Angst!Draco, or Possesive!Draco."

"Is there only one type of SexGod!Draco?" He seemed rather fond of that one.

Hermione got an evil glint in her eye. "There is Gay!(Male Equivalent)Draco. Do you want to….."

"NO! That's ok, thanks!"

"Suit yourself. Now, onto the Evil ones. The first is LuciusJr!Draco, a Death Eater, rich, proud, blah blah blah."

Draco looked genuinely offended. "You think he's boring?" he asked in his little boy voice, eyes huge and moist.

"Just a bit unoriginal," Hermione corrected herself. "He's fine, I guess, but he has nothing on Rapist!Draco."

Tinkle. "Draco dropped his glass. "They have me, I mean, my likeness, raping people?"

His wife nodded. "But don't worry. ¾ times you, or your counterpart, I suppose, morph into Guilty!Draco, then Protective!Draco, and then finally, when the baby is born, you become a doting Father!Draco. And yes," she anticipated his next question, "she always gets pregnant."

He laughed. "What about the other ¼ of the time?"

"Well, then the poor thing is destined to become either our old friend Insane/Masochist!Draco, or Angst!Draco, soon to turn into Suicidal!Draco."

"Cant he just forget about her?" Draco asked innocently.

Her eyes widened in horror. "NO! That's the entire point. He LOVES her, you ninny!" She poked him playfully on the nose.

"Okay, okay." He held up his hands in surrender. "So, why do you know these things? You cant be that curious, after all, you live with Real!Draco."

"Funny you should ask," she said, blushing a bit. "I'm writing my own fanfic."

His eyebrows shot up to his hairline, and he quickly poured himself another drink. "Really. Me and you in it?"

She nodded.

"Rated….." he gave a little purr, "…..R?"

"Possibly."

Draco licked his lips. "Maybe this fanfiction thing isn't that bad after all."

THANKS TO ALL REVIEWERS!!!!! PLEASE R & R!

Cough a book I highly recommend (for the more mature crowd) is Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody, which I based this story on. It's ridiculous, and quite good, aside from the fact that there is almost no Draco (or Dorco, as he is called) in it