Title: Black outs
Chapter one: Future Plans
Author: Gambits_gal
Disclaimer: I unfortunately do not have the immense honour of being the
owner of Gundam Wing ac, or any of its characters, which is an immense
shame. If I did then I think it would be a lot more..... um... yaoi then it is
at current point. ^.^
Author's notes: This is the first Gundam fic that I have posted – also the
first fic I have posted on this account. But hopefully not the last I post
as I have a massive stock of fics in my head all waiting to be written out.
Anywho, on with the story. This is not an AU fic but the characters may go
a bit OOC from time to time, may be possible YAOI between Heero and Duo
(all my sources say it should happen) in this fic but that won't occur for
a few chapters yet I don't think, but there is reference to Quatre and
Trowa through out the entire fic. This chapter is told mainly from Heero's
POV but in later chapters this will change. All feed back will be read,
considered and used to the best of me ability with that sort of thing. My
thanks to Mysticheero, who is my beta reader, she's a great help and so if
anything is wrong then blame her. ^.^
Summary: Heero is hiding things from the other pilots, but they can't stay
hidden forever as his condition is becoming harder to hide by the day
***** Heero's POV *****
It had happened again.
I woke to a view of under my bed, unable to remember what had happened. Why was I on the floor? With a quiet groan, I realised that I must have blacked out. And not for the first time either. This was the third time this month that I had woken either on the floor or on my bed with no idea as to how I had come to be that way. But my memory had become chequered and I could not recall the last few minutes before blacking out. I could only guess at how many times I had zoned out like I had just done, taking each space in my memory as one, but that too was becoming evidently untruthful as the gaps were getting closer together. Another point was that I only think that this was the third time this month. My memory was too unreliable now and I had taken to writing things down, on paper not on my laptop. Yes my laptop held more security value as I could code protect it, but I had already suffered from that when I forgot the password for it. It didn't matter much that I had to write things down as I could write in Japanese and none of the other pilots could read Japanese. I am staring at my diary now, carefully placed in its hidden holder on the underside of my bed. I reached for it with a sigh, time to make another log in it. Taking the attached pen I began to write, glancing at my watch. At least it was the thankfully the same day. February 8th, 19:40.
The light in my room was on and it only grew dark enough for a light by my standards at around 19:25 so I couldn't have been out for more than 15 minutes. Having finished writing the brief entry, I returned the book and pen to their holder and got up off the floor, slowly, trying not too suddenly over balance as my head swam.
As of yet the others knew nothing of my condition and that's the way I wanted it to stay. They would only make things worse. But hiding it was becoming increasingly harder, as the black outs were becoming more frequent and erratic. I suspect that Quatre may already know that something is wrong, and he would have told Trowa. Those two never kept any secrets from each other. The circus performer would 'subtly' try to inquire into it and that in turn would alert WuFei to the matter. With those three paying more attention to me the fourth pilot would soon catch on and that would be my undoing. The braided American wouldn't even bother with being discreet about it he would just openly ask me, expecting me to deny if I was ill. But that in itself is a problem. Duo. I couldn't lie to him, not if he asked me and so I had taken to avoiding him more than the others. Childish, I know but it was all I could do to prevent a confrontation.
Only one more day. One more and I would have the results of my tests. I had been to see a specialist – despite how much I hate doctors and all related – who just happened to be Japanese and it was her who had suggested that I keep a diary. As soon as my results come in I will be gone, the specialist insisting that I wait for them and whatever treatment I required, whether short term or a prescription. I had already rented an apartment, enrolled in a college and gotten a job, all of which were in Japan and I just had to wait a few more days before I could accept all three. Just. One. More. Day.
I levered my self onto my bed. These black outs always left me shaky and weak. Sleep did little for this but just staying still for a while helped. As did eating. As if on cue there was a knock on my door. I tensed while answering.
"Hai?"
"Dinner will be ready in five minutes." Quatre's voice called through, his voice a little strange but it was only the wooden filter of my door distorting it.
"Arigato." I replied before adding, "I'll be down in a minute."
"Okay." Quatre said, his footsteps retreating down the corridor heading for the stairs. I silently sighed lifting a hand to run it through my hair and then paused in lowering it. I was shaking, quite badly as well. Never before had I shook after an episode and I realised that they were getting more serious than I thought. Swallowing I stood and walked to my mirror, thanking God that I didn't look to bad, with the exception of my hair sticking up in odd directions. A quick brush easily sorted that, and I unlocked my bedroom door heading down to dinner.
All the others were already there and I helped set the table without a word. Once we were eating I got the uncomfortable feeling that I was being watched and I glanced up, briefly meeting a pair of aquamarine eyes. Inside, my thoughts became erratic, repeatedly screaming "He knows! He knows!", but outside my expression remained neutral and Quatre looked quickly away, sheepish at being caught.
It was at this point that my head flared into a painful headache. Clearly I had hit my head when I had blacked out and now it was playing the bitch. I kept my discomfort hidden, not needing any added attention, especially with Quatre glancing at me half worriedly, half questioningly. With dinner finished I washed the plates, as it was my turn and WuFei was drying. For this I was glad as we both rarely spoke and never had much to say to one another, but also with this headache it made things simpler that listening or speaking to someone. The chore passed fairly quickly, with no distractions to deal with, and I headed back up to my room – the others had become well used to my wanting solitude. I took a couple of aspirin, to take the edge off the pounding in my head as the things never worked very well for me, and then headed for my bed to flop on top of the covers. After a while, the aspirin taking mild effect, I started to think over my plans and realised that I should probably write them down in fear of forgetting them. This was the irony of my situation. I, the Perfect Soldier trained to have the perfect memory and recall was forgetting things. I could practically hear Duo laughing at that, though once he knew the reason he wouldn't laugh. When my memory had first began to slid I hadn't truly realised why as I hadn't remember blacking out on any occasions and I had forgotten some minor detail that wasn't important at all. Of course Duo had found it highly amusing, asking how I could memorise various lengthy texts and yet forget something so minor – which I still can't remember. It was this that had lead me to realise what had been happening, along with one of Duo's offhand comments about me being a heavy sleeper. Apparently he had come into my room to wake me – being asleep on the bed – only I wouldn't wake. That was a lucky encounter. One for the fact that it made me realise I had a problem and two because Duo just though I was asleep, not unconscious.
It was after this that I had taken to locking my door when I was in my room, and speaking of which, I had best do so. I turned the latch firmly to lock the door and sat back on my bed, pulling out my journal once again. I quickly jotted down some notes about my shaking, for future reference, and about Quatre watching me at dinner as I would have to put my guard up further while around all of the others. Especially Trowa as he had a way of getting through my guard wall unlike the others, even Quatre. Next, on a clean page, I jotted down my plans and all companies, names, addresses, telephone numbers, bank details and all other need information about my future plans. I can think of nothing else that I need to add so I'll put the journal back in its hiding place now.
I had recently bought another laptop, as the first one didn't have the compatibility for various upgrades I wanted to do and the security was almost permanently breached because of Duo's constant curiosity. This new one is completely in Japanese; even the keyboard is in Japanese characters, as is the mainframe, so Duo would be totally lost on it. I had taken careful arrangements to avoid the others finding out my plans. I had set up a new series of bank accounts and transferred all of my money etc. into them and then made sure that it was impossible to trace where my funds had gone. I only hoped that I didn't leave something out, or that I accidentally reveal something to the others as my guard keeps slipping slightly, not enough for the others to take notice in, and at the wrong moments. Luckily so far I have been able to cover the faults up, but Quatre seems to be suspecting something is up, but it may not be about this. Until I either leave or find out what the reason for this extra attention I must continue to act as if nothing is out of the ordinary or then the others will definitely catch on. Its 20:35 now, almost an hour since waking up on the floor and I'm tired. These black outs are taking it out on my body, and the days seem to get longer as what ever is wrong with me is tiring me out. An early night won't cause any problems or make the others suspect so I think I'll just go to sleep now and try to catch up on the sleep that I seem to be missing out on. Maybe tomorrow will be better, but for now sleep. Sleep.
***** Quatre's POV ***** Something is wrong. I don't know what but something just doesn't feeling right. Its one of those thoughts that you know is important, but every time that you try to grasp it, it slips to just outside your reach, and the more you try to get to it the less you seem to be able to understand it. But I can't stop trying to grab it, that's not my nature, and I am making some progress. I have managed to zone this feeling to Heero, but nothing seems to be out of the ordinary, he's his same usual, erm, quiet and distant self. Well that's not true. He's slightly more distant than usual, especially around Duo. Wonder why. My curiosity is getting the better of me, and I know that I have to figure this out, save I go mad – again. (A.N: zero system).
I was watching him today at dinner, in attempt to find out what is wrong, but Heero caught me – how embarrassing, but there was something that flickered across his eyes. It looked like panic but it disappeared too quickly for me to completely recognise. None of the others seem to have noticed anything amiss but I know something isn't right. I'll ask Trowa, he at least will understand what I mean, I hope.
I headed for his room, from where I sat in the living room. Its 21:00 so Duo's watching his usual TV; some weird drama series about crimes, mostly murders, and a team of crime scene investigators who investigate them using forensics, but its all fiction, not real life. (A.N: *snickers* Mysticheero loves this show, it's called CSI, mmm George Eads....). WuFei retired earlier to meditate, Heero's locked himself in his room – as usual – and Trowa went to his room to read. His room is next to mine, right opposite Heero's, while Duo is next door to Heero and WuFei is at the end of the corridor, on the other side of me and furthest away from the stairs.
I knocked on the door softly, more out of habit of being an ex-Gundam Pilot then anything, and heard his reply, so I entered, shutting the door behind me firmly. I crossed the room to sit crossed legged on the bed, in front of Trowa as he set aside his book, no doubt sensing that this was important.
"Quatre, what's wrong?" Trowa asked me, with concern. Obviously my worry was apparent, otherwise he wouldn't have commented so openly on it.
"I don't know whether you have noticed, the others haven't, but Heero's getting more and more distant from us and something just doesn't feel right about it, to me at least." I said, and looked at him hopefully.
"He is more distant than he used to be, and I know that it's not him adjusting to the war's end."
"Then I'm not the only one to think so." I felt better, a bit at least, as I know that I'm not imagining things. "But I can't figure out what might be wrong. I mean it's nothing obvious, that I can tell."
"No, me neither. We'll just have to keep an eye on him, that's all we can do at the moment. When we know more then we can do something. If we confront him about it or act on it then we might just push him further away." Ah Trowa, he is always the source of sensible thinking and good plans. I'm glad I asked him, as its put most of my worries to rest – at least for now.
"Thanks Trowa, I wasn't sure whether it was just me making things up or if it was real." Now I felt sheepish, and I'm sure that I'm blushing. What surprised me, making me actually jump a bit, was Trowa gently stroking my cheek with the back of his fingers, which of course I defiantly blushed at. I always did at Trowa's attention. "Little One, I have never known you to imagine things. You have this sense towards people that allows you to help them and that I admire in you. You always put others before yourself." I was mesmerised by his soft voice and felt a little giddy at his compliment.
"It's getting late; I had better get to bed before the others think something wrong." He smiled at that and I know that it was more than friendly, but I'm not complaining. Regretfully I left the room, for said reason, and quietly headed for my room, getting ready for bed while my mind continued to think over the Heero situation – and now I know that there defiantly was one, at least at some level. Well maybe sleep will help me figure it out.
***** Heero's POV *****
It had happened again.
I woke to a view of under my bed, unable to remember what had happened. Why was I on the floor? With a quiet groan, I realised that I must have blacked out. And not for the first time either. This was the third time this month that I had woken either on the floor or on my bed with no idea as to how I had come to be that way. But my memory had become chequered and I could not recall the last few minutes before blacking out. I could only guess at how many times I had zoned out like I had just done, taking each space in my memory as one, but that too was becoming evidently untruthful as the gaps were getting closer together. Another point was that I only think that this was the third time this month. My memory was too unreliable now and I had taken to writing things down, on paper not on my laptop. Yes my laptop held more security value as I could code protect it, but I had already suffered from that when I forgot the password for it. It didn't matter much that I had to write things down as I could write in Japanese and none of the other pilots could read Japanese. I am staring at my diary now, carefully placed in its hidden holder on the underside of my bed. I reached for it with a sigh, time to make another log in it. Taking the attached pen I began to write, glancing at my watch. At least it was the thankfully the same day. February 8th, 19:40.
The light in my room was on and it only grew dark enough for a light by my standards at around 19:25 so I couldn't have been out for more than 15 minutes. Having finished writing the brief entry, I returned the book and pen to their holder and got up off the floor, slowly, trying not too suddenly over balance as my head swam.
As of yet the others knew nothing of my condition and that's the way I wanted it to stay. They would only make things worse. But hiding it was becoming increasingly harder, as the black outs were becoming more frequent and erratic. I suspect that Quatre may already know that something is wrong, and he would have told Trowa. Those two never kept any secrets from each other. The circus performer would 'subtly' try to inquire into it and that in turn would alert WuFei to the matter. With those three paying more attention to me the fourth pilot would soon catch on and that would be my undoing. The braided American wouldn't even bother with being discreet about it he would just openly ask me, expecting me to deny if I was ill. But that in itself is a problem. Duo. I couldn't lie to him, not if he asked me and so I had taken to avoiding him more than the others. Childish, I know but it was all I could do to prevent a confrontation.
Only one more day. One more and I would have the results of my tests. I had been to see a specialist – despite how much I hate doctors and all related – who just happened to be Japanese and it was her who had suggested that I keep a diary. As soon as my results come in I will be gone, the specialist insisting that I wait for them and whatever treatment I required, whether short term or a prescription. I had already rented an apartment, enrolled in a college and gotten a job, all of which were in Japan and I just had to wait a few more days before I could accept all three. Just. One. More. Day.
I levered my self onto my bed. These black outs always left me shaky and weak. Sleep did little for this but just staying still for a while helped. As did eating. As if on cue there was a knock on my door. I tensed while answering.
"Hai?"
"Dinner will be ready in five minutes." Quatre's voice called through, his voice a little strange but it was only the wooden filter of my door distorting it.
"Arigato." I replied before adding, "I'll be down in a minute."
"Okay." Quatre said, his footsteps retreating down the corridor heading for the stairs. I silently sighed lifting a hand to run it through my hair and then paused in lowering it. I was shaking, quite badly as well. Never before had I shook after an episode and I realised that they were getting more serious than I thought. Swallowing I stood and walked to my mirror, thanking God that I didn't look to bad, with the exception of my hair sticking up in odd directions. A quick brush easily sorted that, and I unlocked my bedroom door heading down to dinner.
All the others were already there and I helped set the table without a word. Once we were eating I got the uncomfortable feeling that I was being watched and I glanced up, briefly meeting a pair of aquamarine eyes. Inside, my thoughts became erratic, repeatedly screaming "He knows! He knows!", but outside my expression remained neutral and Quatre looked quickly away, sheepish at being caught.
It was at this point that my head flared into a painful headache. Clearly I had hit my head when I had blacked out and now it was playing the bitch. I kept my discomfort hidden, not needing any added attention, especially with Quatre glancing at me half worriedly, half questioningly. With dinner finished I washed the plates, as it was my turn and WuFei was drying. For this I was glad as we both rarely spoke and never had much to say to one another, but also with this headache it made things simpler that listening or speaking to someone. The chore passed fairly quickly, with no distractions to deal with, and I headed back up to my room – the others had become well used to my wanting solitude. I took a couple of aspirin, to take the edge off the pounding in my head as the things never worked very well for me, and then headed for my bed to flop on top of the covers. After a while, the aspirin taking mild effect, I started to think over my plans and realised that I should probably write them down in fear of forgetting them. This was the irony of my situation. I, the Perfect Soldier trained to have the perfect memory and recall was forgetting things. I could practically hear Duo laughing at that, though once he knew the reason he wouldn't laugh. When my memory had first began to slid I hadn't truly realised why as I hadn't remember blacking out on any occasions and I had forgotten some minor detail that wasn't important at all. Of course Duo had found it highly amusing, asking how I could memorise various lengthy texts and yet forget something so minor – which I still can't remember. It was this that had lead me to realise what had been happening, along with one of Duo's offhand comments about me being a heavy sleeper. Apparently he had come into my room to wake me – being asleep on the bed – only I wouldn't wake. That was a lucky encounter. One for the fact that it made me realise I had a problem and two because Duo just though I was asleep, not unconscious.
It was after this that I had taken to locking my door when I was in my room, and speaking of which, I had best do so. I turned the latch firmly to lock the door and sat back on my bed, pulling out my journal once again. I quickly jotted down some notes about my shaking, for future reference, and about Quatre watching me at dinner as I would have to put my guard up further while around all of the others. Especially Trowa as he had a way of getting through my guard wall unlike the others, even Quatre. Next, on a clean page, I jotted down my plans and all companies, names, addresses, telephone numbers, bank details and all other need information about my future plans. I can think of nothing else that I need to add so I'll put the journal back in its hiding place now.
I had recently bought another laptop, as the first one didn't have the compatibility for various upgrades I wanted to do and the security was almost permanently breached because of Duo's constant curiosity. This new one is completely in Japanese; even the keyboard is in Japanese characters, as is the mainframe, so Duo would be totally lost on it. I had taken careful arrangements to avoid the others finding out my plans. I had set up a new series of bank accounts and transferred all of my money etc. into them and then made sure that it was impossible to trace where my funds had gone. I only hoped that I didn't leave something out, or that I accidentally reveal something to the others as my guard keeps slipping slightly, not enough for the others to take notice in, and at the wrong moments. Luckily so far I have been able to cover the faults up, but Quatre seems to be suspecting something is up, but it may not be about this. Until I either leave or find out what the reason for this extra attention I must continue to act as if nothing is out of the ordinary or then the others will definitely catch on. Its 20:35 now, almost an hour since waking up on the floor and I'm tired. These black outs are taking it out on my body, and the days seem to get longer as what ever is wrong with me is tiring me out. An early night won't cause any problems or make the others suspect so I think I'll just go to sleep now and try to catch up on the sleep that I seem to be missing out on. Maybe tomorrow will be better, but for now sleep. Sleep.
***** Quatre's POV ***** Something is wrong. I don't know what but something just doesn't feeling right. Its one of those thoughts that you know is important, but every time that you try to grasp it, it slips to just outside your reach, and the more you try to get to it the less you seem to be able to understand it. But I can't stop trying to grab it, that's not my nature, and I am making some progress. I have managed to zone this feeling to Heero, but nothing seems to be out of the ordinary, he's his same usual, erm, quiet and distant self. Well that's not true. He's slightly more distant than usual, especially around Duo. Wonder why. My curiosity is getting the better of me, and I know that I have to figure this out, save I go mad – again. (A.N: zero system).
I was watching him today at dinner, in attempt to find out what is wrong, but Heero caught me – how embarrassing, but there was something that flickered across his eyes. It looked like panic but it disappeared too quickly for me to completely recognise. None of the others seem to have noticed anything amiss but I know something isn't right. I'll ask Trowa, he at least will understand what I mean, I hope.
I headed for his room, from where I sat in the living room. Its 21:00 so Duo's watching his usual TV; some weird drama series about crimes, mostly murders, and a team of crime scene investigators who investigate them using forensics, but its all fiction, not real life. (A.N: *snickers* Mysticheero loves this show, it's called CSI, mmm George Eads....). WuFei retired earlier to meditate, Heero's locked himself in his room – as usual – and Trowa went to his room to read. His room is next to mine, right opposite Heero's, while Duo is next door to Heero and WuFei is at the end of the corridor, on the other side of me and furthest away from the stairs.
I knocked on the door softly, more out of habit of being an ex-Gundam Pilot then anything, and heard his reply, so I entered, shutting the door behind me firmly. I crossed the room to sit crossed legged on the bed, in front of Trowa as he set aside his book, no doubt sensing that this was important.
"Quatre, what's wrong?" Trowa asked me, with concern. Obviously my worry was apparent, otherwise he wouldn't have commented so openly on it.
"I don't know whether you have noticed, the others haven't, but Heero's getting more and more distant from us and something just doesn't feel right about it, to me at least." I said, and looked at him hopefully.
"He is more distant than he used to be, and I know that it's not him adjusting to the war's end."
"Then I'm not the only one to think so." I felt better, a bit at least, as I know that I'm not imagining things. "But I can't figure out what might be wrong. I mean it's nothing obvious, that I can tell."
"No, me neither. We'll just have to keep an eye on him, that's all we can do at the moment. When we know more then we can do something. If we confront him about it or act on it then we might just push him further away." Ah Trowa, he is always the source of sensible thinking and good plans. I'm glad I asked him, as its put most of my worries to rest – at least for now.
"Thanks Trowa, I wasn't sure whether it was just me making things up or if it was real." Now I felt sheepish, and I'm sure that I'm blushing. What surprised me, making me actually jump a bit, was Trowa gently stroking my cheek with the back of his fingers, which of course I defiantly blushed at. I always did at Trowa's attention. "Little One, I have never known you to imagine things. You have this sense towards people that allows you to help them and that I admire in you. You always put others before yourself." I was mesmerised by his soft voice and felt a little giddy at his compliment.
"It's getting late; I had better get to bed before the others think something wrong." He smiled at that and I know that it was more than friendly, but I'm not complaining. Regretfully I left the room, for said reason, and quietly headed for my room, getting ready for bed while my mind continued to think over the Heero situation – and now I know that there defiantly was one, at least at some level. Well maybe sleep will help me figure it out.
