Disclaimer: I don't own harry potter

Chapter VIII- Intermission Part Two (Peep Show) -giggles evilly-

(just a quick note. I LOVE THIS CHAPTER!!!!! I was eating Smarties ™ whilst writing it, so watch out!)

There was black. EVERYWHERE! Hermione couldn't even see her hands as she held them in front of her face, nearly touching her nose. She had been cut off, right in the middle of her sentence by some big black thingy, that had enveloped Harry and his room in thick, oily fog, and then she had been transported here, to the land of Black. There seemed to be a floor, but no walls, just a flat, endless expanse.

She couldn't keep track of time. As the hours passed, she took a little nap, pondered things, and even sang a bit. Once, she thought of Apparating, but it was no use.

Like running into a brick wall, she mused.

After what felt like a few hours, it began to get brighter. Hermione jumped up, ready for the story to resume, but it never happened. The area around her just went from black to….white.

"AUGH!" she screamed, totally annoyed out of her brain. More mindless hours of staring into nothing, and this time, it wasn't even dark enough to sleep! Then, what felt like a tiny weight lifted off her shoulders, and the sudden urge to Apparate flew into her brain.

It can't get any worse than this, she thought, and Apparated. This time she felt the familiar out of body experience, and opened her eyes.

"Oh….boy…"

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"So, let me get this straight (pardon the pun)," Harry asked, his face already beet red from embarrassment. "They have stories where you and I are boyfriend and……boyfriend?"

"You bet your balls, Potter," Draco said, navigating expertly through Hermione's ancient Windows Explorer. "Though its not really us, you know. No one would want to see us having sex."

"They make us have sex?" Harry choked out. Draco nodded calmly.

"Sure they do."

Outside, Draco was Mr. Cool, but inside his stomach was flip-flopping. Sure, Hermione had told him all about the slashy stuff, but he had never pre-read anything for himself. What if Harry couldn't handle it? What if he couldn't handle it?

Harry was babbling now. "…and I know you grew up with this sort of thing, but I was an orphan! I didn't have access to…uh…stuff like you did."

"Harry, Harry, just because my father was into S&M doesn't mean I fooled around with it! I mean, who really wants to put their nuts into a vice and tighten it?"

"Aooough!"

Harry was purple now, with a painful expression on his face. Draco laughed at him, and selected the right characters and, ahem, rating on the screen.

R, of course.

"Shouldn't we start off with PG, at least?" Harry protested, desperation in his voice. "You know, baby steps?"

"Tut tut, Harry. Baby steps are for Yellow House members. You're a Red, remember?" Draco selected a title that looked nice and juicy, and poised his cursor delicately over it. "Hm. Should I, or shouldn't I?"

Inside, his heart was racing furiously. He glanced over at Harry, who had regressed back to pink. He nodded.

Never thought you had it in you.

Licking his lips, he pressed the button. Harry slid his seat up closer, and they both read.

Whoa.

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Hermione jumped. It was cold! She was in a…dungeon, it seemed, from the chains and things hanging from the walls. She could smell smoke, and blood, and other unpleasant things in the air, and when she turned, she saw a whole set of whips, sleek and black, hanging on the wall. She really didn't want to know what those were for.

I take it back. I like the white place better. She tried to Apparate, but again she got the "wall" effect. She was trapped. In the dungeon from hell.

The door creaked open and in walked a greasy, dingy version of Professor Snape. He had a tarnished silver tray, and on it was a small jar of oil, and a…dagger.

He couldn't see her, that she was thankful for that. Imagine being caught in a den of sin, and having to explain yourself! Snape placed the tray on the floor, then called out, "Bring him in."

Three masked men came in, dragging a bound, bloody, and furiously fighting…Harry?

Oh no. Hermione saw instantly where this was going, and she couldn't watch. But it was like a train wreck, it kept her standing there, riveted, eyes peeled for details.

The men chained Harry up against the wall, then left, leaving him there panting. Hermione couldn't help but notice the rather large…feet he had, which she was sure weren't normal.

The door creaked open, and in walked none other than her husband.

Yeek! Harry plus Draco equals trouble, even in real life! In fanfics…. she didn't even want to think about it.

"Miss me…Potter?"

Draco, dressed only in leather chaps, slowly walked over towards where Harry was hanging.

Yummy. Hermione mentally slapped herself. She didn't need to indulge in leather fantasies, she was married to the guy, for tuna's sake! If she wanted to see him in chaps, she could just buy him a pair, not watch him boink her friend!

Buy him a pair. Good idea, Hermione. Yum yum.

Draco had now pulled out the dagger, and was tracing little curlicues on Harry's back with its dangerously sharp point. As Harry gave a sort of screaming moan, Hermione could almost feel her pupils dilate.

Now I know why this ship is so popular. She thought with a shiver. She was quickly pulled out of her musings when Draco began to do amazing things with his….fingers. Things she had never seen done with fingers.

"Ohhhhh…." Harry groaned, pulling against the chains that attached him to the wall. Hermione squeezed her eyes shut like lightning, but even with her fingers in her ears, she could still hear the screams.

Please. Make it stop.

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There was silence in the office.

Cough.

Draco could almost feel his blood boil beneath his transparent skin, and not because he was…ugh. This little piece of literature was making him feel even more embarrassed than the time he had walked into the den and dropped his towel, only to find out that what Hermione meant by 'a special night' was having all the old Academy alum over for a pie social.

Speaking of which…

Harry cleared his throat. "You remember that pie thing?" Draco nodded. Harry turned over to his friend, purple as a plum, and choked out, "y'know, I've seen…it….and it's definitely not, uh," He read off the screen, "'wide and rigid'."

Draco made a face that could only be described as 'trying to eat three rotten hamburgers at once'. "Honestly, who really asked you to comment about that?"

"I have a right to know," Harry snorted, obviously holding back laughter, "I am your lover after all."

Draco gave Harry the most incredulously disgusted look in the world. Harry was about to give him a little smack, but suddenly stopped in mid-swing. Draco glanced at his hand in horror.

Harry stared at Draco.

Draco stared at Harry.

Harry turned white, and whispered, "Are we actually acting like….?"

"SHUT UP!"

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A/N: HAHAHAHA this chapter cracked me up! -giggles madly like Bumblebee- Did it crack you up? Please tell me, I lurve feedback!

The Fast and the Fabulous(some yummy lemon cookies to all! I'm in a good mood!)

Christine: I've never actually been to an HP convention, but I would imagine that they're spectacular

lildaisygirl24: the door seems to be a point of majour confusion. It's a magical door, that appears wherever Draco is situated, so he doesn't have to go running across the house to open it

MysticalSpirits: I love you. Will you marry me?

Dibs: I love my dear bumblebee too…he's kind of how I pictured dumbledore….brilliant, but crazy

Miranda G. Potter: I suppose this chapter answered your question

Silver Hanyou: sorry…..i made them read it…it was too good to resist

FriesWithThat: I love your name! My home is kind of Alp-like…its cold, and white for eight months of the year. But I hate skiing.

Elfaghetti: o thanks…you rock too