I own nothing.
elzed, small point? Not at all. If you've noticed, the one time the Ryan/Anna scene was not at her place was at a public library in Manhattan. But don't worry, more shall be revealed in later chapters.
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Anna POV.
Relationships were supposed to make you happy, right? So why did I feel so trapped? I'd gone from being engaged in one year to being almost engaged in another and now I found myself in this heavy thing with Ryan. What was wrong with me? I knew what if felt like to be hurt by someone's selfishness. When that bastard broken off our engagement, I'd resided in a dark place for such a long time that I almost quit my PhD program and without my mother's support, who knows where I'd have ended up? Then I turned around and did to Seth, in the process, taking his main source of support from him. I still hadn't figured out how to forgive myself for that.
Worst of all, I wasn't even sure about my relationship with Ryan. What had I expected when I started dating him? I felt like I wasn't doing enough for us, that I wasn't working hard enough to make it work, considering what we both gave up for it. Other than just upsetting Seth, it was everything -it was hard carrying on the charade. Everywhere I went, I had to do a quick search to make sure I didn't recognize anyone. Of course, I always mentioned Seth to Ryan but it was everyone really… it's not that I was ashamed of our relationship, I just felt… God, I couldn't even explain it. It hurt me that I had hurt someone and I wished there was a way I could atone for it. But there wasn't, and that just made me feel even more obsessed… and disgusted. Plus, it was not like I cared what other people thought but I knew what I'd have thought of another girl who'd behaved the way I had.
I didn't see a shrink or anyone but I knew my thinking wasn't healthy so I decided to make an effort to change. Since the rewrite of my thesis was at my advisor's and I didn't have any classes to teach that afternoon, I decided to drop by Ryan's office. It was only my second time of going there since the previous year but he'd introduced me to his new secretary so I felt okay about it.
"Hey," Lisa, I greeted her at her desk. She appeared to be taking a personal call but I didn't mind interrupting considering she was at work. "Is he in?" I asked cheerfully.
She covered the mouthpiece and smiled. "Yes, but…" She looked at her phone, to me and then at his closed door. "He's with someone but what the heck? You can go in, I bet he won't mind." She practically winked at me.
I thanked her as I walked past her desk. The minute I pushed the door in, I kicked myself for not knocking first.
Carly's long wavy hair cascaded down the beautifully arranged face that was hovering over him. Her arms were at either side of him as she bent over and read something.. Her left breast was so close to his face that if he moved a little, he ran the risk of kissing it – it was revolting.
I actually liked her - she was cool. She knew about us before anything happened and the few times we'd met, she'd been nice to me. I didn't have a problem with the fact that they'd dated or that they even worked together but that scene, the image -it just looked so wrong. They weren't touching one another inappropriately, but they seemed so intimate and comfortable with it that it tied my stomach into knots. I really really wished that I had knocked first.
I probably didn't stand there for long but if felt like hours. I stood in the doorway, watching them as they whispered and giggled together as if there honestly could be anything funny in a stupid music document.
A surprised Ryan noticed me observing him. "Hey, Anna, what are you doing here? I thought we were meeting later for dinner," he said.
She waved back. "It's nice to see you, it's been a while. How's the thesis coming along?" she asked in a business-casual voice. Bitch.
"Everything is looking great. I'm supposed to graduate on May 16th."
"Wow. Next month, you're going to be a doctor," she commented. Then she rubbed, actually, more like caressed Ryan's shoulder and to him, joked, "You're going to have to respect her now."
"I always do," he said. I glanced at her then looked at his face. Once again I didn't even know what I was looking at. I couldn't even tell if he was glad or disappointed at my spontaneity. The whole thing was too ridiculous. What the hell was going on? Was he reverting to his old ways? Was I not enough for him? Maybe he'd just wanted me because I was with Seth and now that he finally did, he could see that I wasn't anything special after all.
"Ryan, I'll be in the little waiting area till you're done," I said, turning around.
"No. Stay here. We're almost finished, you're not interrupting or anything, you don't need to leave."
"Yes, I do," I said, shaking my head and twisting the door knob.
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I didn't even know what to do. For about a month. I tried to watch him. He was ever the supportive boyfriend at my graduation – even my mother loved him, but I still didn't know what to think. When he smiled at the pretty girl across the street, what was he really thinking? Was it just a smile or more? Ryan had no right to cheat on me, and I knew that, but I couldn't even blame him if he did. I was so sick of feeling inadequate, guilty for being happy and content by being miserable. It was almost like the pain reminded me that I was alright. It was sickening. It'd become so used to being disappointed that I had to doubt every good thing I had in my life and I was just tired. That was probably what was driving Ryan away. We'd rarely fought instead, whenever he got upset, I let him cool off while he always insisted I tell him what bothered me. I guess that would have worked if I wasn't too scared to be honest –lying just seemed easier and less hurtful. Regardless, I had had enough of the pointless cycle of seconding guessing myself, starting from when I hadn't been good enough for teenage Seth that I threw all caution to the wind and dialed his home number.
"Hello?" he said after Rosa handed him the phone. She really was a sweet lady and she reassured me that she was taking good care of him.
"Hey, Seth, how's it going?" I hoped he couldn't tell how nervous I was.
"How's what's going?"
"Everything in California." I tried to say in my sweetest voice. I didn't know why I was calling him – I guess I just needed a reason to feel better.
"Like you care," he replied curtly.
"Of course I do."
"Oh, is this another lie?"
"Seth, I'm really sorry. It's been five months. I was hoping…" I paused. Would there ever be an end to it? Was I prepared to feel guilty about it for the rest of my life?
"Hoping that what? I would have forgotten? You'd just love that, wouldn't you?
"I would love us to be friends. We used to…"
"What? What did we do? Anna, this is a waste of time. Why did you call me?"
Like I knew. But I'd hoped that he'd gone back to his old wonderful self, not the wounded version that I'd created. "I just hoped that since a little time had passed we could try…" To move on, I didn't add. We all needed to move on. Living in limbo, not knowing where we were going or coming wasn't healthy for any of us.
"Anna, five moths is hardly enough time to forgive you for what you did. I doubt that'll even happen this lifetime."
Fuck. "Seth, please…"
"Think of it this way; you said that you're sorry."
"I am," I protested.
"After time passes, say in like five years, do you think you'd have stopped being sorry?"
Shit, he'd backed me in a corner. "No."
"There you go. Or this thing with Ryan, would it have ended then?"
"I don't know Seth. Would it make you feel better if we broke up? Will everything be fine then?"
"Will that undo the past year?"
"No," I replied in a small voice.
"There you go. But since you're so sorry that you want to make me feel better, do you know what will help me a little?"
The phone start to feel a little slippery – my palms had begun to sweat. "What?"
"If I never hear your voice again."
I didn't know what to do. Since he didn't want to hear me speak again did that mean that was my cue to hang up?
"One more thing, Anna…" When I didn't respond, he repeated himself.
"What, Seth?"
"The next time you feel the need to call me, don't. I have absolutely nothing to say to you. Understood?"
Loud and clear, Seth Cohen. Crystal clear. I see what I've done to you, now I have to live with the consequences.
