Do I honestly have to start every chapter mentioning that I do not own The O.C.? I think only stating it in the first one suffices. Anyhoo, I do not own The O.C.
Thanks for reading and reviewing.
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Ryan POV
I ran my finger along the stem of the glass and turned sideways to look at him. "Seth, this really isn't a good idea."
Scratching the side of his face, he glanced at me. "It sure is. Nobody is supposed to work on Thanksgiving weekend."
"Says who?" I picked up the napkin and unfolded it. Even though I doubted anything catastrophic could occur at the restaurant, I felt uneasy – and sharing three-quarters of a bottle of wine with Seth hadn't helped.
"Ryan, relax. She'll be here soon."
I'd planned on going back to my apartment earlier in the day but somehow, Seth had managed to strong-arm his parents into making me spend an additional day. The rest of the band had flown to their respective hometowns to spend the holiday with their families, so I knew there was only so much work I could do on my own.
However, quite inexplicably, I found myself at a restaurant waiting to hang out with Summer. She was cool but hanging out with them wasn't exactly at the top of my to-do list.
I was emptying the bottle into my glass when I spotted her walking towards us. Anna was smiling and talking to Summer but flinched the minute she caught my eye. She turned to say, I presume, a few unflattering words to her friend, then pasted a smile on her face and finished the trip to our table.
"Seth, what the hell is this about?" I said through clamped teeth.
He didn't respond, instead, stood up to greet the girls.
I watched Anna hesitate in front of the two empty seats. I imagined that having to choose between sitting across Seth or I must have burned a few of her brain cells but I'd decided to stop feeling sympathy for her ever since Seth told me about Alex. How dare she tell him and not me? How could she keep that part of her life hidden from me? How could she think it wasn't important enough to tell me? How dare she? It only went to further show that our relationship hadn't meant that much to her and that I'd been living in a dream world. So I decided to stop dealing with it. If she didn't think we were important, it did no good if I did. Besides, other than the phone call she made to make sure I'd arrived safely, I hadn't heard from her. I thought Seth understood that it was a done deal and she was now past tense, so I was especially pissed that he'd decided to create such awkwardness. I flexed my fingers then looked at his neck to see how far apart I'd have to place them to effectively choke the breath out of him.
Then I got on my feet. Summer reached across to give me a kiss on the cheek so I knew it wouldn't look right if I didn't do the same with Anna. So after she lightly hugged Seth, I turned to her and gave her a peck on the cheek. As always, her skin felt warm and soft against my lips and I noticed that even though she was wearing a new perfume, I liked the way it smelled on her.
For whatever reason, she chose to sit across from me and when she sat down, her leg brushed against mine. Knowing that moment had no right to affect me, I stayed still and watched as she readjusted herself in her seat. I also noticed that she was no longer wearing that ring and decided I didn't need to know what that signified.
"So how are you guys doing?" Summer asked.
"Fine, as always. Would the world be right if I wasn't fine?" Seth replied.
Summer just rolled her eyes.
"Summer, answer me. Would the world be right if I was, for example, not fine? Would birds sing, taps run, drunk people drive, soft core porn stars get elected as governor if I wasn't fine? Would they?"
"Shut up, Cohen."
After they did their tiresome banter thing which, as usual, resulted in Summer threatening him bodily harm, they fell silent.
After a few moments, Anna asked, "Ryan, how are you doing?"
'Who's Alex?' I wanted to yell but since I'd promised myself that I was never going to make her tell me about him, I said, "I'm fine."
The waiter brought another bottle of wine and filled the ladies' glasses. After we ordered and the rest of the table sipped their drinks and made small talk, Anna turned to me and said, "I bet you're wondering what I'm doing in town."
I shook my head. "Not really."
I noticed her lower lip quiver very slightly before she tucked it under her upper teeth and grinned. She was trying hard to act cheerful but I could see that the corners of her eyes didn't crinkle.
Seth glanced at me and grudgingly said, "Well, I'm wondering what you're doing here."
Anna laughed, and to him, said, "As if you don't know." She looked back at me. "We decided to have a non-snowy Thanksgiving this year, so my mother, her husband and I decided to spend it with Dan. And seeing that Joan can barely move without her belly hitting something, we decided she could use the help with the dinner." Then she turned to smile at Summer. It seemed like she felt more comfortable not looking at me.
I didn't move a muscle. She could tell her story to somebody who cared, someone she told all the little details of her life she kept from me. Then I remembered something. "Did you leave flowers for your Dad?"
The fake smile froze on her face and after tearing her gaze from Summer she barely audibly said, "What?"
I shrugged. "It's nothing. I guess you're going to make it on Sunday. I just asked if you dropped off the flowers for your dad."
She nodded, blinking rapidly. "Yes, Ryan, I did."
"Good. Roses or orchids?" I'd explained that red roses were a little feminine and if her dad didn't have a particular affinity for them, she might want to try something else.
She chuckled and lightly wiped the corners of her eyes. "Orchids, but I couldn't control myself and added three roses in 'Black Magic'."
I glanced at the other end of the table and noticed Seth and Summer watching us intently. Seth wore a smug smile I wanted to punch off and Summer was grinning like she'd just won the lottery. "Black Magic?" I asked, looking back at Anna.
"Oh, it's just a bullshit name. It's supposed to be a more masculine red rose."
"Cool." I couldn't help but smile. It was just like her; reverting to the tried, tested and comfortable.
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"I come in peace," Seth said, pushing my door in and holding a sweating six-pack of beer and a plate of leftovers.
I lifted my brow. "Turkey? Seth you brought me a plate of turkey?"
He placed it on my desk and handed me a beer. "The 'rents bought a turkey that looked like a full grown cow. If we don't find a way of disposing of it now, we're going to learn to love eating shit like freshly squeezed turkey, turkey cakes and turkey ice cream. Do you want that? Huh? Huh?"
I opened it and took a swig. "Well, luckily for me, I wouldn't be here to witness that, would I?"
"Well," he said, suddenly looking serious, "I know you weren't too pleased with dinner."
I shrugged. So I met Anna and it wasn't the worst experience in the world but it really didn't change anything. There was obviously no trust there so what would be the point?
"You have to have something to say," he said.
"Nothing really. As she said, I'm just going to leave the past alone."
"That's bullshit, Ryan." He leaned back in the chair and dropped his can next to the plate.
"Is it?" I gulped down the rest of my beer then reached for the pack and pulled out another. I cracked it open and took a sip.
"Of course it is," he said, watching me. "I know you love her and I think she loves you too."
The second beer wasn't as satisfying so I put it down. I picked up that week's Newsweek and skimmed it.
"Ryan, I said that I think she loves you too."
I looked away from the picture of the president shaking hands with the newly elected British Prime Minister. "Really? So why didn't she tell me about Alex?"
He shrugged. "Maybe she hadn't gotten around to it."
"It's almost a year and she hasn't gotten around to telling me? But she told you."
"What?" he asked incredulously. "She didn't tell me. Where did you get that idea from?"
"Oh, when I asked you how you knew, you said that you 'just knew'." I couldn't explain it but I felt some kind of relief hearing what he said. Although I was still very mad she hadn't told me, knowing she hadn't told him either made for a softer landing. At least, I was no longer certain that she'd valued her relationship with Seth more than she did ours.
He shrugged.
It suddenly made sense. It was probably something Summer wasn't supposed to share with him. And he'd gone ahead and told me about it. I made a mental note not to tell him any secrets in the future.
"Well," I said, turning a page on the magazine, "either way, she hasn't told me. And I don't want to be with someone who talking to is like pulling teeth."
"Now, you know that's just bullshit. That's not Anna at all. She's really cool and we both know that. Besides, she's not the only person guilty of that 'not talking' thing."
"No, it's different with me. I speak up when I need to."
"Do you? Remember Theresa's pregnancy?"
It was something I'd finally managed to get over and I didn't appreciate him bringing it up. I hoped the look I gave him conveyed exactly that. "Yes, why?"
He looked upwards in indifference. "You knew that going back to Chino wasn't the best idea. You knew that you'd have been better off staying with us, but you were pigheaded and chose not to do that."
"I just wanted to deal with it on my own. Why should I burden you guys if I don't have to?"
"Exactly. She's probably trying to deal with that ex-boyfriend bullshit on her own."
"Well, I came back to Newport, didn't I? Why can't she do the same?"
"Ryan, you only returned because Theresa got that abortion on the sly. If she'd kept the baby, at this point in time, you'd have been in Chino, playing dad to a nine year old."
I sighed. Why did the fool insist on reminding me? The pain wasn't sharp or numbing but it was still there. I realized that it would never leave me, and had found my own way of dealing with it, mostly realizing that it had worked out for the best. What kind of father would I have made; seventeen, squatting with her family, out of school and unemployed? How would I have been able to protect him/her from the vortex of crime and violence everyone in Chino seemed to get sucked into? But that didn't stop me from wondering whose mouth he/she would have had or what his/her first day of school would have been like.
"I bet you haven't told her you love her," he pulled out of his ass.
I didn't react. I couldn't fucking believe we were having this conversation. I felt like I was in a bad chick flick written to make women think that men also had such bullshit conversations. Except it was very real and Seth was staring at me, waiting for a response. Refusing to play along, I reached for the plate and picked up a piece of the shredded bird.
"Ryan, you have to tell her."
I threw it into my mouth. "Seth, can we talk about something else?" I said between chews. "Like why it didn't rain today? By the way, why didn't you bring some salt?"
"No, we are not changing the topic. Let's talk about this."
He didn't pay any attention to my protests and just kept pressing me.
"Why? So that she can throw it in my face and tell me we are just friends or whatever crap she says?" I finally said. He'd gotten on my last nerve.
"Dumb, Ryan. Very dumb," he said, shaking his head. "You should have told her."
"I've pretty much said it in every way you can without using the exact words. And every time I tried to say the exact words, it just felt contrived and unnatural. Then there was no way I was going to say it when everything when to hell – I'm not that pathetic."
"It has nothing to do with being pathetic. Ryan, you should have said it –she probably doesn't feel secure with you guys because of that. Heck, I'm not even with Summer, as in with-with, and I've told her."
"Well, you would do something like that. But remember, I'm not you."
"Which is unfortunate for you. But, I'm just telling you how Anna probably feels."
I looked away from the trail I was making on the can and back at Seth. "If you understand Anna so much, why won't you forgive her? I'm saying really forgive her like you've forgiven me. I'm sure that you only pulled this stunt because Summer made you. I noticed that you really didn't talk to her that much at dinner." And it bugged me. It suddenly looked like she had, still misguided, but somewhat legitimate reasons for not wanting to have to face Seth.
"Oh, I've forgiven her but I think it's reached the point where people think they can treat me any which way and it wouldn't matter because I'm Seth Cohen and I'll get over it A.S.A.P but you know, it doesn't work like that. At least not anymore. She strung me along for almost a year knowing how she felt for you and that's just not cool."
"I see."
"No doubt about it, when I'm being objective, I can see she's a nice, kindhearted, sweet person. But then I remember that she's my ex... but you know what? I think I've completely forgiven her but you know how it is..."
"I see."
"Is that all you can say? But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be with her."
"I know that."
"And in all honestly, we wouldn't have worked out. We would have had a nice life but I doubt it would have been very fulfilling. How much fun could spending dinner discussing regression models and treasury rates really be?"
I chuckled. "Now, you're just being silly."
"Am I? I'm dead serious. Feeling secure in that relationship is nowhere near as great as knowing what Summer and I could potentially have. It's just different. I just feel different with Summer and that's gotta be worth all the pain it takes to get there, don't you think?"
Not really. Some pain, sure. But after a while, you just became an idiot. And like Seth said, the smell of feet walking all over you wasn't pleasant. At some point, you just had to end it. "So have you told Summer about the whole relocation thing?"
"Well, I've been dropping hints all over the place but she's not biting."
"And by hints, I take it you've pretty much said that you'll stay if she wants you to."
"Yes, pretty much." He laughed. "In those exact words too."
"Well, I guess it's up to her, then."
"Doesn't that just suck? Why does it have to be up to her? I want it to be up to me so that I can get exactly what I want. You feel me?"
I nodded. But lately, I'd learned that it rarely was up to me and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. "So what are you going to do?"
"I haven't figured that out yet, but you should call Anna. She was cool at dinner. And the thing about telling us she'd be around till Sunday and how we could call her on her cell phone and her brother's phone was a hint if I've ever heard one. So call her, okay?"
I nodded, knowing full well that I wasn't going to. If she wanted the past to stay that way, who was I to argue? I pushed the plate of turkey to him and picked up the remote control. "So, what's on television today?"
