::peeks out cautiously from corner:: ... gomen, gomen gomen !!!! ::gets pelted by rotten fruit, veggies, eggs and an anvil:: I'm soooooo sorry !!! But here is the next chapter, just please don't kill me !!!
Usual disclaimers apply.
Chapter 8
Contemplations
It was strange, she usually always had something to do, but on a rainy autumn morning, Tohru woke up to a completely unplanned and work-free day. Leisurely making the sheets, the pretty eighteen-year old reflected upon the past few weeks since Sohma Kyo's entrance into her life. To say that he'd made no impact upon her was a blatant lie: her world was turned upside down because of him !
She'd never been the brightest or most intelligent girl, but her soul was pure and her heart was strong and true. Tohru had always believed in a one true love, a person made just for another and destined to be with them, and she had always thought that when you met this person, you would know; you'd know it like the sun rising every day and setting every night - it would be obvious, but now she wasn't so sure. Before Kyo's entrance into her life, she had never doubted her relationship with Yuki: she loved him, he loved her. But now... even though they loved each other, was he her one true love ?
Tohru was an avid reader of shojo mangas, but never in her life would she have believed herself to be in the same position as one of those characters, torn between whom to love.
'I am a simple girl, with simple hopes and dreams. I want to finish high school for Mother, find a good job and then get married to a nice man and raise a family… I always dreamed that it would be Yuki whom I would marry – it was certainly a dream; Yuki was too perfect, too beautiful, to be with someone like me. He needed someone just as beautiful as him, someone who could understand him, his loneliness at being perfection. But now… now there is Kyo, too. Kyo is just as beautiful as Yuki, and I feel myself attracted to him as well. It is wrong, but I can't help it ! Whenever he is in the same room, it seems to have shrunk; whenever he is near, my heart beats faster and my breathing becomes shallow, and I feel that light-headedness that you seem to get after running a mile. I love Yuki… but then why do I see Kyo's passionate eyes and gentle smile whenever I close my eyes ?'
Tohru knew it was unfair of her - cruel and despicable – to doubt upon it, upon a relationship which had survived three arduous years: through the separation of Yuki's parents, to the death of Tohru's parents, it had sustained and saved them, their love for eachother. Tohru hated herself for it, for the thoughts plaguing her mind, and the insidious little voice in her head, whispering of forbidden fruit and a desire, which was taboo for her.
But whenever she saw embracing couples in the street, murmuring sweet endearments to eachother in the park or gazing lovingly in eachothers' eyes, lost in a world where only they existed, Tohru couldn't help but feel a twinge of longing in her heart, a need for intimacy and spoken words of love and need. She didn't want sex - no, she strictly believed in being a virgin until marriage, but sometimes she wanted to hear those words from Yuki. She wanted him to tell her how much he loved her and needed her, how everything was perfect when they had eachother. Tohru needed those words. It was insecure and superficial, but they rejuvenated her, and after a hard day's work it would make any tiredness go away and brighten her day.
And this brought her thoughts back to Kyo. She barely knew the guy, but somehow he had up-ended her life and thrown into sharp relief everything which was lacking in her relationship.
'I barely know him ! I've only been acquainted with him for two months; he is a total stranger to me ! I don't know him – I know nothing of his character! .... only that his eyes are passionate...and his heart is pure... and that he has no fear in expressing his emotions – he never shies back in telling people how he feels.'
Tohru shook her head vigorously.
'No, I mustn't think that ! I love Yuki, I love Yuki, I love him ! I love only him, I must !!'
But even as Tohru vehemently told herself that, she knew that her heart didn't fully believe her. Yuki was so distant, so perfect and beautiful, that after three years with him, Tohru still felt inferior – unworthy of being called his girlfriend. And he had still not opened his heart to her. It saddened and hurt her, his refusal to let her get close to him. He said he loved her, now and again, and he told her she was beautiful, but his tenderness and sweet, sweet smile couldn't quell Tohru's longing to know what he was thinking, to share his pain and be there for him: wasn't understanding and trust an integral part of any relationship ?
She didn't know why or how, but when with Kyo, she felt herself connect with the flame-haired man. He was open and expressive, brash sometimes, but whenever he apologized, you could feel that he really meant it – that he was really sorry. Yuki was nothing like Kyo. Yuki was everything that Kyo was not, yet Kyo was also everything that Yuki wasn't. Tohru didn't know which one was better.
This chapter was really short, mainly because it has barely anything to do with the plot line... well, it does, but there's no real action in it. This was supposed to be a contemplative chapter, where Tohru kind of muses and just expresses her thoughts, but I think I was a little to presumptuous/moved too fast in it. I didn't really explain how Tohru came to feel this way, or gave an indicator as to why she would feel this way. I apologize about that. However, I really wanted to get this chapter out; it's been sitting in my files for over four months ! I just wanted to complete it and get it out.
Don't hesitate to R&R ! Any comments would be appreciated, constructive criticism will be taken into account, and flames will be ignored.
Thank you, everyone, for being so patient with me !!
