Greetings to whoever is here. Which is you I guess. What follows is a collection of crap from the most decrepit corner of my cranium. Enjoy.

Flame if you wish but beware for it may result in the loss of teeth.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Matrix, but I will, I just need to get two hacksaws and an Uzi.

ARGH! WHERE ARE MY LIMBS?! + Other stories.

By Richard the pedantic.

Chapter 1: Morpheus and the Weasel.

In the beginning, there was man, and a large collection of rodents. Whereas many of these rodents perished when the sun vanished behind a thick layer of smog, (or in some cases they were all devoured by a new species of unreasonably large spider.)

Anyway, the weasels had more sense and moved themselves to the sewers, which were much warmer. After the war, the machines were happy enough for them to stay there seeing as experiments with weasel body heat as a power source resulted in Deux ex machina going insane and trying to sing. He sounded more like a moose trying to gargle. The noise was the real reason why so many humans wouldn't accept the first Matrix, their primitive cerebrums had to wake up to escape the noise.

But I digress, the Weasels lived happily enough for many a generation, feasting off of the fossilised excrement and giving sentinels advise about how to avoid frostbite.

There was one however that was not satisfied with the simple life, and he thought for some bizarre reason that eating centuries old crap was unhealthy. This weasel was given the name of Gymnosperm, which to those who don't know means 'plants of the class Gymnospermae having seeds not enclosed in an ovary.' (I don't own the FF. net dictionary either.)

Before he left, Gymnosperm was given a small but satisfying 'going to the foul place' party by his friends, relatives and someone called Tim who had once helped him fix a flat tire. At this party, he was given a generous supply of Vodka which he could use as currency wherever he ended up, a slightly sharpened stick with which to fend off assorted creatures, and a plunger for the, uh, obstacles he would face on his journey through the pipes.

This weasel left the safety of the sewers and ventured out into the dark, unexplored pipe that had been left alone for centuries due to the unspeakable smells that lurked there. Grasping his nose with one paw, the brave, (although misguided) beast scurried down the pipe.

Unfortunately for him however, the odours prevailed; Gymnosperm passed out after the first fifty meters and slid the rest of the way down the slippery pipe.

The next morning, Gymnosperm shot out of the pipe at an unholy speed and woke up to find himself flying through the air in a perfectly straight line that the laws of physics should have prevented.

Whereas he had somehow avoided death via a long fall, he could not avoid smashing through the front window of the Nebuchadnezzar and landing in the Co-pilot's seat.

Gymnosperm pushed himself to his hind legs and stood to his full height of seven centimetres. After checking himself for injuries, he looked around himself to find a gawking Morpheus peering at him with surprised eyes.

"Link's been spiking the water again," he said after a few minutes, "when I find where he's been stashing that LSD he'll have hell to pay."

And so, Morpheus ignored the newcomer, the large hole in the window, and the shards of glass that were embedded in his legs until the resulting blood loss forced him to pass out.

'Sigh' Sighed Gymnosperm as he realised he would have to provide third hand medical assistance.

Or so he thought, Morpheus was soon dragged to the medical chamber by a lighting technician who happened to be in a strangely good mood.

This resulted in a slight problem however, this was that there was no one flying the Neb. Gymnosperm tried to reach the controls but his arms were, rather unsurprisingly, too small.

And so, believing that a fiery death was imminent, Gymnosperm did the only thing he could do, break out the Vodka and drink until he passed out.

If he'd waited a few more seconds he might have survived, for you see, Neo hurriedly charged to the co-pilot's seat. (He had deemed him too irresponsible to sit in the pilot's seat after he'd once turned the ship upside down whilst Morpheus was urinating. The smell lingered throughout the ship for months.) Anyway, Neo didn't notice Gymnosperm's presence and sat on him, thereby crushing his skull, spine and pelvis.

Needless to say, Gymnosperm didn't survive.

The moral of the story is that Weasels shouldn't be so pessimistic.

The next one should be longer, I hope you have enjoyed thus far. If you didn't, I can't really blame you.