Thankings once more to all reviewing persons. Replies have been moved to
their rightful place at the end of the chapter.
Chapter 6: Terms of peace
The following is an extract from a crude treaty that the machines cast upon humanity.
If you wish to reclaim the bodies of the flesh covered diseases that rudely charged into the city without observing proper traffic protocols then you will be required to send 34 yen to us, as well as two suitable coffins for the return journey of the corpses. We will not accept two cardboard boxes that were previously used to hold refrigerators as appropriate coffins, nor will we accept the refrigerators themselves.
If you do not wish to reclaim the bodies then we shall throw then through the hole we made in the roof of your dock. We do not want your deceased detritus.
All humans that wish to be released from the Matrix shall be released regardless of whether or not there is a ship present to collect them. We shall not accept responsibility for any drownings or dysentery. It's not our fault if you are too inept to look after your own species.
A humanoid machine known by the name of Vincent, as part of his punishment for humiliating us last week shall collect all the dead sentinels on the floors of Zion. If anyone tries to feed him they shall have their heads crushed to pulp for no apparent reason.
Any human who plugs a weasel into the Matrix just to spite us shall face being forced to listen to Deus Ex Machina's singing. If they survive the experience then they shall be strangled to death by whichever weasel had been shoved in the Matrix.
Zero-one may not be used as a tourist attraction so dispel any deluded daydreams of such an occurrence now.
All un-plugged humans who are pissing about in the Matrix without a very good reason shall be shot in the teeth.
Any un-plugged humans who piss whilst in the Matrix shall also be shot in the teeth. Keep in mind that whereas it may go in a toilet within the Matrix, it goes on your trousers in the Real World. Still, we do not consider urinating to be a good enough reason for being in the Matrix.
The last remaining pineapple shall be handed over to humanity, as the machines have no use for the device. We strongly advise against eating it however.
Anyone who tries to re-program a sentinel because they are too lazy to hang up Christmas tree lights themselves shall be given a £15 fine.
Anyone who wishes to get shoved back into the Matrix must realise that we have more important things to do then ferry humans back and forth between Zion and a vacant pod.
The democratic order of sewer-based weasels shall be given the remaining APUs, as that was what we promised them after the war was over. Unfortunately however, you're all still alive which made the situation somewhat complicated at first, then we realised that they don't work anyway. We are assuming however that by the time the weasels figure that out it'll be too late for them to do anything.
The surviving sentinels and that ones that managed to avoid getting shoved into the firing line shall help to fix the holes in the ceiling of the dock in roughly nine weeks. You shall be required to supply ¾'s of these sentinels with stylish leather coats, preferably black, or failing that, top hats made out of stone. We're not running a charity here.
One of the sentinels returned to Zero-One with a human head in its arm. If you wish for the head to be retuned then it will cost you a further 14 yen. If you do not wish for it to be returned then it shall be thrown into the sea and have a small cocktail umbrella inserted into one of the ears.
If for some strange reason a meeting is wished. It shall take place within the Matrix in that fancy restaurant of the Merovingian's. He won't mind, he's getting his own radio show as part of the bargain.
I would go on but I'm trying to keep all the chapters more or less the same length.
Right, now for replies:
Naz: If you want to know what an electric toothbrush rammed into a toaster sounds like. By the way, how the hell did you get cake in your eye?
Agent Josie: Thanks for your suggestions, I shall consider them, inadvertently forget them and then spend the rest of the nigh watching Revolutions. HA! It is finally within my claws. 'Ahem', thanks for reviewing.
Alocin: I'm glad to see you're a weasel fan. Anyone who isn't should be beaten over the head with at least three salmon.
Tai Wilson: By the time you read this, the weekend and most probably the period of holiday based days shall be here. So in short, enjoy, and thanks for reviewing.
Nithke: Hmm, its hard to think up a reply, consequently I shall take up as much space as I can writing about the fact that I can't think of a suitable reply. That's enough I think, thanks for reviewing.
Don't tread on me: Annoyingly, your review isn't up yet and I inadvertently deleted the email. Oh well, I'm pretty sure I agree with you about whatever it was you said about Agent Brown, and thanks for reviewing.
SeleneZana: There is no situation involving a croquet mallet that isn't funny. I would say more but I bought Revolutions today and I must charge to the VCR with the greatest of speed.
thereisnobrain: I hope your walking in circles didn't result in the loss of eyes. Its more common then most people think. Anyway, thanks for reviewing.
Lupe-3.14: Frying pans tend to be great crowd pleasers. ARGH! Infernal Microsoft spell checking machine. On second thought make that 'infernal keyboard. Where was I? Oh yes, thanks for reviewing.
Anyone else who I've forgotten: Sorry about that and thanks for reviewing.
Chapter 6: Terms of peace
The following is an extract from a crude treaty that the machines cast upon humanity.
If you wish to reclaim the bodies of the flesh covered diseases that rudely charged into the city without observing proper traffic protocols then you will be required to send 34 yen to us, as well as two suitable coffins for the return journey of the corpses. We will not accept two cardboard boxes that were previously used to hold refrigerators as appropriate coffins, nor will we accept the refrigerators themselves.
If you do not wish to reclaim the bodies then we shall throw then through the hole we made in the roof of your dock. We do not want your deceased detritus.
All humans that wish to be released from the Matrix shall be released regardless of whether or not there is a ship present to collect them. We shall not accept responsibility for any drownings or dysentery. It's not our fault if you are too inept to look after your own species.
A humanoid machine known by the name of Vincent, as part of his punishment for humiliating us last week shall collect all the dead sentinels on the floors of Zion. If anyone tries to feed him they shall have their heads crushed to pulp for no apparent reason.
Any human who plugs a weasel into the Matrix just to spite us shall face being forced to listen to Deus Ex Machina's singing. If they survive the experience then they shall be strangled to death by whichever weasel had been shoved in the Matrix.
Zero-one may not be used as a tourist attraction so dispel any deluded daydreams of such an occurrence now.
All un-plugged humans who are pissing about in the Matrix without a very good reason shall be shot in the teeth.
Any un-plugged humans who piss whilst in the Matrix shall also be shot in the teeth. Keep in mind that whereas it may go in a toilet within the Matrix, it goes on your trousers in the Real World. Still, we do not consider urinating to be a good enough reason for being in the Matrix.
The last remaining pineapple shall be handed over to humanity, as the machines have no use for the device. We strongly advise against eating it however.
Anyone who tries to re-program a sentinel because they are too lazy to hang up Christmas tree lights themselves shall be given a £15 fine.
Anyone who wishes to get shoved back into the Matrix must realise that we have more important things to do then ferry humans back and forth between Zion and a vacant pod.
The democratic order of sewer-based weasels shall be given the remaining APUs, as that was what we promised them after the war was over. Unfortunately however, you're all still alive which made the situation somewhat complicated at first, then we realised that they don't work anyway. We are assuming however that by the time the weasels figure that out it'll be too late for them to do anything.
The surviving sentinels and that ones that managed to avoid getting shoved into the firing line shall help to fix the holes in the ceiling of the dock in roughly nine weeks. You shall be required to supply ¾'s of these sentinels with stylish leather coats, preferably black, or failing that, top hats made out of stone. We're not running a charity here.
One of the sentinels returned to Zero-One with a human head in its arm. If you wish for the head to be retuned then it will cost you a further 14 yen. If you do not wish for it to be returned then it shall be thrown into the sea and have a small cocktail umbrella inserted into one of the ears.
If for some strange reason a meeting is wished. It shall take place within the Matrix in that fancy restaurant of the Merovingian's. He won't mind, he's getting his own radio show as part of the bargain.
I would go on but I'm trying to keep all the chapters more or less the same length.
Right, now for replies:
Naz: If you want to know what an electric toothbrush rammed into a toaster sounds like. By the way, how the hell did you get cake in your eye?
Agent Josie: Thanks for your suggestions, I shall consider them, inadvertently forget them and then spend the rest of the nigh watching Revolutions. HA! It is finally within my claws. 'Ahem', thanks for reviewing.
Alocin: I'm glad to see you're a weasel fan. Anyone who isn't should be beaten over the head with at least three salmon.
Tai Wilson: By the time you read this, the weekend and most probably the period of holiday based days shall be here. So in short, enjoy, and thanks for reviewing.
Nithke: Hmm, its hard to think up a reply, consequently I shall take up as much space as I can writing about the fact that I can't think of a suitable reply. That's enough I think, thanks for reviewing.
Don't tread on me: Annoyingly, your review isn't up yet and I inadvertently deleted the email. Oh well, I'm pretty sure I agree with you about whatever it was you said about Agent Brown, and thanks for reviewing.
SeleneZana: There is no situation involving a croquet mallet that isn't funny. I would say more but I bought Revolutions today and I must charge to the VCR with the greatest of speed.
thereisnobrain: I hope your walking in circles didn't result in the loss of eyes. Its more common then most people think. Anyway, thanks for reviewing.
Lupe-3.14: Frying pans tend to be great crowd pleasers. ARGH! Infernal Microsoft spell checking machine. On second thought make that 'infernal keyboard. Where was I? Oh yes, thanks for reviewing.
Anyone else who I've forgotten: Sorry about that and thanks for reviewing.
