Thankings to all reviewing persons. I've forgotten what everyone said however so I'll be back in a minute.
That was a very stupid thing to say, oh well, replies are at the end of the chapter.
Chapter 7: Agony Agent
After the war, many of the Agents found themselves unemployed. This led to three suicides, Agent Jones joining the Yakuza, Agent Brown, (the real one), starting his own company, 'Nooses for all'. It failed miserably and now he spends his days giving inspirational speeches to rat catchers, and Agent Jackson, (after a long talk with the Architect and some editing), became a fox. He now spends his days thieving chickens from a farm in Cornwall. He still insists on wearing sunglasses however which makes him look ridiculous.
Finally, there is Agent Johnson. He received a job with the Suffolk advertiser as an, (as the title says), agony agent. People would write to him with assorted problems and he would laugh with contempt before responding to his chosen favourites, examples of these include…
Dear Johnson
When my 15 year old son found out about the Matrix, he wanted to become like the 'Neo' person he read about in the newspaper. Unfortunately, this resulted in him gouging his own eyes out with a fork. Now he wails endlessly, is there any way to make his eyes grow back?
Mr. Christopher Hawthorn
Dear Mr. Hawthorn
It is possible for the Matrix to be edited, we usually do this when faced with a massive system glitch or when we're trying to kill people. We do not however, edit the Matrix so as to care for the needs of idiots who blind themselves or their inept parents. Your son sounds more like a five year old, which raises serious questions about your parental abilities. I have a good mind to come to your house and rid the world of you and your son's idiocy, (and heads).
Best wishes,
Agent Johnson.
**-*//-*-/*-+-/*-9-*/*/--*-//*/-*---*-*-
Dear Johnson
Everyone in the village keeps talking about Weasels who have been stealing sunglasses from the opticians. My husband has come to believe that this is the start of a terrifying Weasel uprising and has sealed himself in the loft. Do you know how I can get him to come down? and why in the world would Weasels want sunglasses?
Mrs. Eliza Zephaniah
Dear Mrs. Zephaniah
The Democratic Order of Matrix based weasels are trying to collapse the 'world's' economy as retribution for the batch of dodgy APUs that we gave to their Real world brethren. They are also under the mistaken impression that Sunglasses can be used as tire traps, which is also part of their plan for vengeance. As for your husband, I'd advise storing as many sunglasses as possible in your loft. Sure enough, the weasels will come to your house in the thousands and the loft will be the last place your husband will want to be.
Good Hunting,
Agent Johnson
*-*/*/*9+*/+--/+*/*++++/+++-+-/-*+++-*/
Dear Johnson
I tried to get un-plugged right, same as thousands of people, and do you know what those arseholes said to me? They said, 'Excuse me sir but this is the post office.' Fucking arseholes, they're just lying to get rid of me, they're probably jealous. I got even with them though; four gunshots through the window, you should have seen the looks on their faces, I hope cleaning all that glass off of the floor teaches them a lesson. Maybe next week when I go back they'll un-plug me without any excuses.
Henry Kuzak
Dear moron
First, this is an advice column, not a place for idiots to tell their tales of vandalism. Secondly, if you do nothing else with your life, please take a gun to your head and splatter whatever it is in there that passes for a brain over the wall. Or if you prefer, I could do it for you.
Agent Johnson
*-*-**-*/-*--*-*/*/*/*-*-*//////////////////
The stress of this job eventually got to Johnson; as a result, he took a three week holiday in Bradford and was attacked by a pigeon. Henry Kuzak was run over by a bus, and weasels' tire traps failed miserably.
Thus endeth the chapter.
Right, now for replies:
Angel-of-lightness: There are some serious flaws with the Revolutions credits. Note to self: Respond to reviews in the same story as the replies are when, um, you know what I mean. Thanks for reviewing, Goodnight.
Something occurred to me, (long dramatic pause), disturbing, that's all I'll say.
Agent Josie: ARGH! It happened again. Oh well, since I hear from thee that revolutions is in your claws I shall say good for thee and thanks for reviewing.
Funkless: I haven't thought that far ahead. I was originally going to have people call in and tell him their problems but I thought it would be better coming from an agent. Thanks for reviewing.
Tai Wilson: 4.00 eh? How about that, there's a seven hour time difference. (I'm easily impressed), anyway, thanks for reviewing.
thereisnobrain: You still have your eyes then I take it. That reminds me, I forgot to read your fic, sorry about that, I shall read it soon or fall over trying. Thanks for reviewing.
Lupe-3.14: Inspiration usually springs to mind randomly, at random moments. There are no rodents involved. I hope you enjoyed your eggs. Thanks for reviewing.
Emerald Eyes: It did make him a bit had to take seriously. All that potential for a fearisome, (yes I know that's not a word), wasted. Anyway, thanks for reviewing.
That was a very stupid thing to say, oh well, replies are at the end of the chapter.
Chapter 7: Agony Agent
After the war, many of the Agents found themselves unemployed. This led to three suicides, Agent Jones joining the Yakuza, Agent Brown, (the real one), starting his own company, 'Nooses for all'. It failed miserably and now he spends his days giving inspirational speeches to rat catchers, and Agent Jackson, (after a long talk with the Architect and some editing), became a fox. He now spends his days thieving chickens from a farm in Cornwall. He still insists on wearing sunglasses however which makes him look ridiculous.
Finally, there is Agent Johnson. He received a job with the Suffolk advertiser as an, (as the title says), agony agent. People would write to him with assorted problems and he would laugh with contempt before responding to his chosen favourites, examples of these include…
Dear Johnson
When my 15 year old son found out about the Matrix, he wanted to become like the 'Neo' person he read about in the newspaper. Unfortunately, this resulted in him gouging his own eyes out with a fork. Now he wails endlessly, is there any way to make his eyes grow back?
Mr. Christopher Hawthorn
Dear Mr. Hawthorn
It is possible for the Matrix to be edited, we usually do this when faced with a massive system glitch or when we're trying to kill people. We do not however, edit the Matrix so as to care for the needs of idiots who blind themselves or their inept parents. Your son sounds more like a five year old, which raises serious questions about your parental abilities. I have a good mind to come to your house and rid the world of you and your son's idiocy, (and heads).
Best wishes,
Agent Johnson.
**-*//-*-/*-+-/*-9-*/*/--*-//*/-*---*-*-
Dear Johnson
Everyone in the village keeps talking about Weasels who have been stealing sunglasses from the opticians. My husband has come to believe that this is the start of a terrifying Weasel uprising and has sealed himself in the loft. Do you know how I can get him to come down? and why in the world would Weasels want sunglasses?
Mrs. Eliza Zephaniah
Dear Mrs. Zephaniah
The Democratic Order of Matrix based weasels are trying to collapse the 'world's' economy as retribution for the batch of dodgy APUs that we gave to their Real world brethren. They are also under the mistaken impression that Sunglasses can be used as tire traps, which is also part of their plan for vengeance. As for your husband, I'd advise storing as many sunglasses as possible in your loft. Sure enough, the weasels will come to your house in the thousands and the loft will be the last place your husband will want to be.
Good Hunting,
Agent Johnson
*-*/*/*9+*/+--/+*/*++++/+++-+-/-*+++-*/
Dear Johnson
I tried to get un-plugged right, same as thousands of people, and do you know what those arseholes said to me? They said, 'Excuse me sir but this is the post office.' Fucking arseholes, they're just lying to get rid of me, they're probably jealous. I got even with them though; four gunshots through the window, you should have seen the looks on their faces, I hope cleaning all that glass off of the floor teaches them a lesson. Maybe next week when I go back they'll un-plug me without any excuses.
Henry Kuzak
Dear moron
First, this is an advice column, not a place for idiots to tell their tales of vandalism. Secondly, if you do nothing else with your life, please take a gun to your head and splatter whatever it is in there that passes for a brain over the wall. Or if you prefer, I could do it for you.
Agent Johnson
*-*-**-*/-*--*-*/*/*/*-*-*//////////////////
The stress of this job eventually got to Johnson; as a result, he took a three week holiday in Bradford and was attacked by a pigeon. Henry Kuzak was run over by a bus, and weasels' tire traps failed miserably.
Thus endeth the chapter.
Right, now for replies:
Angel-of-lightness: There are some serious flaws with the Revolutions credits. Note to self: Respond to reviews in the same story as the replies are when, um, you know what I mean. Thanks for reviewing, Goodnight.
Something occurred to me, (long dramatic pause), disturbing, that's all I'll say.
Agent Josie: ARGH! It happened again. Oh well, since I hear from thee that revolutions is in your claws I shall say good for thee and thanks for reviewing.
Funkless: I haven't thought that far ahead. I was originally going to have people call in and tell him their problems but I thought it would be better coming from an agent. Thanks for reviewing.
Tai Wilson: 4.00 eh? How about that, there's a seven hour time difference. (I'm easily impressed), anyway, thanks for reviewing.
thereisnobrain: You still have your eyes then I take it. That reminds me, I forgot to read your fic, sorry about that, I shall read it soon or fall over trying. Thanks for reviewing.
Lupe-3.14: Inspiration usually springs to mind randomly, at random moments. There are no rodents involved. I hope you enjoyed your eggs. Thanks for reviewing.
Emerald Eyes: It did make him a bit had to take seriously. All that potential for a fearisome, (yes I know that's not a word), wasted. Anyway, thanks for reviewing.
