Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Haldir: You are a horrible woman. It's really that simple. You are a horrible, mean-spirited, sadistic, rotten, spiteful woman. Me: You don't really mean that, do you Haldir? If you did, it would make me very sad. And being sad makes me angry. You know what happens when I'm angry. Haldir: You are a wonderful woman. It's really that simple. You are a wonderful, gentle, soulful, sweet, sensitive woman. Me: I don't believe you, March Warden. Haldir: Oh, Eru...no...

Chapter 11

If We Could Talk To the Animals

Haldir blinked as it registered that this young woman, the person he had searched Arda for - the One who could translate the words of the Great Ring Ceeunsae, - was also witness to him drunkenly doing who-knows-what on top of a table in his birthday suit.

Faced with certain humiliation, he did what the majority of males of most sapient species would do - he went on the offensive.

"Why are you still sitting here? The party must have broken up hours ago. A lady would not be sitting next to a near naked Elf all night without a chaperone!"

Caladria laughed merrily, causing Haldir's eyebrows to shoot up to his hairline. "I hardly think you were any danger to me, March Warden...you slept so soundly you didn't even notice me cover you with that tablecloth!"

"You...covered...you are NO lady!" Haldir sputtered, his embarrassment intensifying by the second.

"Really, March Warden, if your face turns any more red, you'll match the color of the Elvenmead you seem to be so fond of. You really should be thanking me, you know...who knows WHO might have found you this morning, and in what condition, if I had not kept guard all night."

I do NOT need some silly human girl keeping watch over ME! I am Haldir, March Warden and..."

"Guardian of Lothlorien, Leader of the Elf Archers at Helm's Deep, Bearer of the Great Ring Ceeunsae, yadda, yadda, yadda..." Caladria rolled her eyes as she finished his sentence. "I know, I know...you told me all about it last night in between your high kicks."

"Arghh! No lady would speak of such things! Where did you learn your manners, young woman? Mordor?"

"You're just embarrassed because you decided to go au natural last night."

"Aw what?"

"Au natural...naked. Besides, you don't have anything to be embarrassed about anyway. You're quite well put together."

For the first time in his long, long life, Haldir was struck speechless. No young woman, or old woman, or Elleth of any age that he knew of would dare utter such a remark to a complete stranger. They probably would not even say such a thing to their husbands! More than likely, any other woman who was in the room last night covered their eyes and ran screaming into the night the moment he began to unhook his tunic. Who was this young human female to have sat through such a performance?

"Where are my clothes?" he asked gruffly, not wanting to meet her eyes again. Suddenly, a though struck him. The Ring! The Great Ring! It had been tied to his belt last night, as it had been every night since the first day he found it. Where was his belt? Where was the Great Ring?

Caladria saw him pale, and thought she knew the reason for it. She reached under the table, and pulled out Haldir's belt, the Great Ring still attached.

"I believe a drunken Dwarf ran off with your clothing, but you were swinging this around your head at the time. I managed to save it," she said, holding out his belt, the Great Ring dangling from it. "Is this what you were worried about?" She smiled as relief flooded Haldir's features.

Haldir reached for his belt, keeping a firm grip on the tablecloth that covered him with his other hand. He saw the gentle smile on the girl's face, and was suddenly ashamed of how he had acted. It was his fault for getting drunk...who was he to criticize her? He realized that, for all his growling and insulting words, she had never lost her composure...it was more than he would have been able to do in her place.

"I...uh...am sorry, Milady. I had no call to condemn you for your behavior, when my own was so reprehensible," he said, looking down at the Great Ring. "I thank you for keeping the Great Ring safe for me."

"Great Ring? That's the Great Ring Ceeunsae? Oh, my stars...March Warden...oh, my stars," Caladria whispered, her eyes growing large as she stared at the Ring.

"I must ask a favor, Milady...and after the way I spoke to you I would hardly blame you if you refuse, but it means a great deal to Lothlorien, indeed all of Arda. I beg your forgiveness, and your indulgence. Will you please translate the words of the Great Ring, so that all of Arda might benefit from its wisdom?" Haldir asked in the nicest, most polite, most dignified voice he could manage, under the circumstances.

"March Warden...may I call you Haldir? We need to talk about this Great Ring. I indeed will translate for you, but you must hear my story first. I think you should go and...er...freshen up a bit. Perhaps we can meet back here in an hour?"

Haldir could do no more than acquiesce. Caladria rose from the table, and walked out of the Feast Hall, leaving Haldir able to rise without worrying about dropping either the Great Ring, or the tablecloth. He didn't see the look of concern on her face as she walked out into the morning sunlight.

Wrapping the tablecloth around his waist, he tried to nonchalantly jog back to the King's House. Sticking mainly to the bushes, he managed to get there without too many cockeyed glances and chuckles from passers by.

He found his way to his room, and changed into his jerkin and leggings, and tied his belt - along with the Great Ring - around his waist. Feeling much better now that he was fully clothed again, he walked downstairs again, intending to go back to the Feast Hall and wait for Caladria.

"Haldir! Hold up a moment!" called a very familiar voice. Haldir froze, his spine beginning to crawl. Gimli. Exactly the one person he least wanted to see.

"Laddie! Were ye not missing anything this morning when ye woke?" Gimli laughed, enjoying Haldir's discomfort immensely. "I believe ye were missing things even last night! Oh, Laddie, ye should have seen yerself! Not in a million years would I have thought ye'd be so...er...free spirited!" Tears of mirth found their way from Gimli's eyes and trickled down into his beard.

"Are you quite done, Master Dwarf? I would appreciate it if you would return my clothes to my room while I am gone," Haldir said, with as much dignity as he could muster. "If you will excuse me, I have an appointment to make."

"Bah! Such a haughty air from one who was jumping about like a lunatic in his altogether last night!"

"Master Dwarf, I will not continue this conversation. I bid you a good day!" Haldir sniffed, as he turned and stalked away from the Dwarf, Gimli's laughter still ringing in his ears. "I just knew he'd never let me hear the end of it. I'll hear about this all the way back to Lothlorien!" Haldir thought to himself, and he walked back to the Feast Hall.