Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Haldir: I give...uncle, uncle! Legolas: Me, too. I give up. Do what you wish with me. Legolas and Haldir: We're not worthy! We're not worthy! Me: STOP THAT! There's nothing worse than groveling Elves. Haldir: I brought you a cookie. Legolas: I brought you two cookiies. Me: Knock it off, you two! Haldir: Let me give you a back rub. Legolas: Let me give you a pedicure... Me: Stop it - you're scaring me! Haldir: Shall I drop my drawers now? Legolas: No - me first! Me first! Me: ARGHHHH!

Legolas: Is she gone? Haldir: Let me check...yeah, she's gone. Quick! Get to the keyboard! Next chapter, she's in for a BIG surprise. Legolas: Mwhahahahahahaha.

Chapter 12

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

The Feast Hall was empty, save for a servant or two cleaning up the last remnants of the previous night's party. Haldir sat at the one of the tables near the rear of the room, waiting for Caladria to meet him as promised.

He had placed the Great Ring reverently on the tabletop, and was thinking back on his trek through Arda with it. "Soon, very soon, I will at last know the Great Ring's message," he thought, running his finger over its smooth red surface. He felt a mixture of excitement and disappointment - excitement because the message would soon be revealed, and disappointment because the quest would soon be over. So deep in thought was he, that Caladria's arrival almost went unnoticed.

A small noise behind him caught his attention. Turning he saw Caladria walking toward him and he bowed low as she approached, saying, "Thank you for returning, Milady. I am most anxious for this meeting!" He pulled out a chair for her to sit, then seated himself next to her at the table.

Caladria looked down at the Great Ring Ceeunsae, and fingered the white ring that stuck out of its side. She looked deep in thought and Haldir didn't want to disturb her, even though his curiosity was nearly unbearable. He distracted himself by discreetly looking her over.

She was older than he had originally thought...not elderly, by any means, but not the young maiden he had at first imagined. There was an air of maturity about her. She was very pretty, for a human, and her hair was as red as Gimli's, though it looked silky soft through the fillet that bound it. She startled him out of his thoughts by looking up at him with soft blue eyes.

"Haldir...before I tell you what the...um...Great Ring says, I must first tell you a story - the story of how I came to be here in Minas Tirith. It will seem strange to you, and unbelievable at best, but I assure you, every word is true."

"Couldn't you translate first, and tell the story second?" Haldir asked impatiently, not really interested in how she came to live in Minas Tirith.

"No, I don't think that would be a good idea."

"I mean no offense, Milady...but I really want to know what the Ring says."

"You need to hear the story first!"

"No I don't. I need to hear the translation first!"

"Story!"

"Translation!"

"STORY!"

"TRANSLATION!"

"Are you always this stubborn?" Caladria finally asked, brows knitted in a frown.

"Are YOU?" Haldir retorted, frowning himself, and crossing his arms over his chest.

"FINE! You want to know what it says? Fine. I'll tell you," Caladria said angrily. She turned the arrow on the center of the Whatzit, and pulled the white ring. "The cow says, Moo."

"The Great Ring Ceeunsae, in its infinite wisdom and incomparable insight, said, 'The cow says Moo.' Are you happy now?" Caladria asked Haldir, crossing her arms over her chest.

An uncertain smile flitted across Haldir's face. "Very funny, Milady. Now, tell me what does it really say?"

"That is what it really says."

Haldir searched Caladria's face for some hint that she was joking - as ill timed as that joke might be. He saw none. She was dead serious.

"The cow says Moo. That's what it says? The cow says MOO?" Haldir exploded, jumping up from his chair and staring down at the red Whatzit. "I've just dragged my sorry ass all through Arda, putting up with a packrat Hobbit; a Dwarf who will tease me for all eternity about my indiscretion last night; and an Elf who thinks he's Eru's gift to archery just for you to tell me that this red piece of junk says, 'THE COW SAYS MOO?'"

"I told you to listen to my story first. You wouldn't listen. I don't think you EVER listen."

Haldir was at a loss...he was torn between stomping the red Whatzit to pieces beneath his boot, and throttling Caladria for what he prayed was her poorly timed sense of twisted humor.

"Sit down, Haldir, and let me explain," Caladria said, not liking the look on Haldir's face one bit. He sat, but still stared at the Whatzit with murder in his eyes.

"I was born in this world, Haldir, but not in this time. My home is far into the future...further than I think even you, as an Elf, can imagine. My people are descendents of Men, and they are builders of great machines..."

"And you sprout wings and bring fair dreams to sleeping children?" Haldir snorted contemptuously.

"Do you mind if I finish my story? Really, you are the most arrogant Elf I've ever met!" Caladria said. "One of my people built a machine, for your information, that enabled an individual to travel the threads of time!"

"Let me guess...you were that person, right?" Haldir began to chuckle, forgetting for a moment how disgusted he was at the translation of the words of the Whatzit.

"Are you laughing because of the idea of travelling through time, or because of the idea of a woman building such a machine? Choose your words wisely, March Warden," Caladria hissed, so angry that she could have wrung his overbearing neck.

"Both!" Haldir laughed, gripping the edge of the table, guffawing.

"You are the most insufferable person I have EVER had the displeasure of meeting. You ask me for a favor, and I try to do the right thing by telling you the truth, and you dare laugh? You know, I could have simply lied - made up some worthless piece of nonsense, and sent you on your way. Instead, I risk everything by telling you the truth only to have you spit back in my face!" Caladria stood, ready to storm off, angry tears in her eyes.

Haldir gained his senses just in time. Grabbing her wrist, he said, "No, please...finish your tale. I know not whether to believe you - you must admit it sounds like child's fairytale - but I will listen."

"Fine," she said, wrenching her arm from Haldir's grasp. "To answer your question - no, I was not the inventor of the machine. That was my fiancée."

"You are to be wed?" Haldir frowned, not knowing why this statement should upset him so much.

"Not anymore...he won't be born for eons." The simplicity of her statement, and sorrow in her voice made Haldir question whether or not her story, fantastic as it might be, could possibly be true.

"I was a veterinarian. I treated and mid-wifed animals, Haldir. That's why the people here believe I can talk to them. I can diagnose their ailments, and usually, although not always, make them well. Anyway, my fiancé was a great scientist, who built a wonderful machine. I was the test subject. He didn't want me to go - he said it was too dangerous, but I insisted. I can be a very stubborn person."

"Nooo! I would not believe that of you," Haldir interjected sarcastically, humor in his eyes.

"Are you going to let me finish?" Caladria said with annoyance.

"Pardon me. Pray continue."

"The thing you must understand, Haldir, is that I didn't come here just once...I came here twice. The first time was to a beautiful forest, full of golden leafed trees with silver trunks."

"Mallorn trees? You were in Lothlorien?" Haldir asked, his eyes widening. Suddenly he felt he knew what she was going to say next.

"Yes. Of course I didn't know it was Lothlorien then...I didn't even know whether I had actually traveled back in time. But I carried with me this object you have on the table. I lost it in the forest that day, Haldir, before I returned to my own time. Once I was back, I researched our history, and concluded that I had indeed been in Lothlorien. I was so excited to have been there, that I studied everything I could about this time period - I even taught myself several languages, including Westron and Elvish."

"What is this thing, Caladria?"

"Haldir, it is simply a child's plaything. You see, in my time, there was a movie...a play, if you will...about a creature called ET, who came to our world from another planet. In this play, the creature builds a machine to speak with the people on his home planet, and he used one of these toys in building it. I brought this one with me as a sentimental token, since I saw myself as a traveler, as he was."

"Why did you return?"

"Our time was not a peaceful one, Haldir. Men fought against men, with terrible, horrible weapons. Our city was under attack, minutes from being destroyed completely. My fiancée pushed me into the machine and hit the button. He saved my life, I suppose...but I ended up here, just outside of Minas Tirith. Haldir, you are the only person I have ever told this to. Everyone else believes me to be from a small village in Rohan."

"I believe you. Eru knows why I believe you, but I do," Haldir said, giving Caladria a small smile. "However, I must now leave here, although where I'll be going is anyone's guess. Perhaps Mordor..."

'Why are you leaving? Why in Arda would you want to go to Mordor, of all places? It's a wasteland since the War."

"Do you honestly think I can face anyone ever again, after finding out the true meaning of this piece of junk's message? Everyone is expecting some fabulous nugget of wisdom...but all I can tell them is "the cow says Moo."

"It's not your fault, Haldir...who sent you on this quest, anyway? I'm sure you didn't just up and leave on your own volition...you're one of the Guardians of the Golden Wood..."

"Galadrial sent me. I thought the Whatzit was just telling us what each animal said...hey! I was right!" He looked pleased with himself for a moment, then his face darkened. "But Galadrial said that this was the Great Ring! She said it bore a message for us in animal tongue! Why would she lie? She's the Lady of Light, for Eru's sake!"

"I don't know why she would lie, Haldir...people do odd things all the time," she said, smiling, "like doing the can-can on a tabletop in nothing but a smile."

"Did you HAVE to bring that up? I was hoping you would have forgotten about it."

""Oh, Haldir," she laughed, "I'll carry THAT image to my grave!"

Haldir narrowed his eyes at her, then sighed. "It doesn't matter, anyway. I can't go back with a message like 'the cow says 'Moo.' I also can't go back and tell Celeborn that Galadrial is a fake."

"You don't have to, Haldir...I have an idea..."

Since Haldir was completely out of ideas of his own, he leaned closer and listened to Caladria's, a slow smile edging its way across his face.