Disclaimer: She does not own LOTR. She does not own us. She does not even own a clean pair of socks. She is evil and must be destroyed. She is holding us hostage in her den, chained to her computer - send help immediately! She snores. She has had Gimli's love child. She curses like a sailor. She has warts and bad breath. She likes playing with Teletubbies... Me: Just what the hell do you two think you're doing? Legolas: Oh, crap! Didn't you lock the door? Haldir: I thought you locked it! Legolas and Haldir: ARGHHHHH!

Chapter 13

When in Rome, er...Lorien...

"Listen, Haldir...we know that Galadrial sent you off on this quest under false pretenses, right? She blatantly lied to you...handed you a great, big, heaping helping of bullshit by telling you that this toy was some kind of Great Ring with a secret message. Sent you traipsing all over the countryside, dragging other people along with you, trying to find the translation of a nonexistent message, just because she didn't want anyone to know that she didn't know what the thing was! I, for one, don't think you should let her get away with it."

"What can I do? She's the Lady of Light! Queen of Lothlorien...I can't very well go back and tell everyone that she's also Queen of the Big Fat Whoppers, now can I?"

"Here's my plan...she sent you looking for me, not even knowing that I actually existed...so you bring me back to her, and we'll throw her a bullshit party that'll have her up to her hips in manure! She won't be able to deny anything we say, because that would be admitting that she lied in the first place! You and I are only ones who'll know the truth..."

"I don't know, Caladria...I don't like the thought of lying."

"We don't need to lie, Haldir. Whatever I tell her will be a true statement...for example, I can tell her that the Ceeunsae says that too much red meat is bad for your health. That's absolutely true...it'll clog your arteries." Seeing the confused look on Haldir's face, she explained, "It will damage your heart."

"It will?"

"Yes, but that's not the point. The point is that anything I 'translate' will be completely true. I really can translate what the Whatzit says...I'll just change the message a little. She should not be able to get away with telling people lies like that! Sending people out on dangerous journeys just to save face? She could get someone hurt or worse."

Haldir's face lit up as he realized that not only was Caladria right, but the plan would work...no one else, not even Gimli, Legolas, or Sam need know that Caladria was anything other than what she seemed...a native who happened to be able to speak the language of the animals.

He smiled broadly at Caladria. "It will work! We'll leave at first light. Tonight I have to have dinner with Aragorn and Arwen...will you allow me to escort you?"

"Dinner with the King and Queen of Gondor? I don't think so, Haldir, but thank you for asking."

"Why not? You have to eat, anyway."

"I'm a peasant, remember? Peasants do not have dinner with royalty."

"You are not a peasant! You are the One. The Veterain...vegeta...venera..."

"Veterinarian?"

"That's it - Vet-er-in-ar-i-an. Sounds very impressive, by the way. I will meet you at the King's House at dusk." Haldir stood and bowed, turning on his heel and walking out of the Feast Hall, leaving no room for argument.

"Well, what do you know? I guess I'm having dinner with the King and Queen tonight...and something tells me I'm going to have trouble with a certain stubborn Elf on this journey..." Caladria thought, watching Haldir's back as he left.

The sun had gone to bed behind the Misty Mountains as Caladria walked up to the huge double doors of the King's House. She had had to scramble to find something suitable to wear to dinner with the King and Queen of Gondor, finally settling for a simple, but elegant gown of deep forest green. In her own time she had been a completely self-assured individual, completely confident in her abilities as a vet, entirely at home whether she was with her patients or at a fundraiser for her fiancé's project. But here, in the wild country of Gondor, approaching the House of the King, her stomach was butterfly central.

A servant answered her hesitant knock...he must have been waiting just on the other side of the doors. Haldir was standing before the dining room door, waiting for her, as promised. He looked quite nice in his dark blue tunic and leggings, his hair freshly washed and braided.

'Caladria...you look lovely - for a human," Haldir said. A high complement, indeed, from the Elf.

"Thanks...I think," Caladria replied, "you also look very nice...for an Elf." Haldir cocked an eyebrow in reply.

Caladria took Haldir's proffered arm, and he led her into the dining room. They stopped and did the whole bow/curtsy thing before Aragorn and Arwen.

"Welcome to the King's House, Milady,' Aragorn said genteelly. "May I present my wife, Queen Arwen."

"Do I look fat in the dress? I look like an Oliphaunt! sob You look lovely, though. Is that the real color of your hair? giggle It looks quite bright! Goes well with your gown, though. sob." Arwen prattled, in between bites of pickled turnips.

"You'll have to excuse my wife," Aragorn said, patting the top of Arwen's head. "As this pregnancy progresses, she...um...loses hold of her tongue."

"It's quite understandable, Your Majesty...a woman's body goes through incredible changes during pregnancy," Caladria answered. Addressing Arwen, she said, "I think you look lovely, Arwen. You're positively glowing! How much longer do you have?"

"Another six weeks. giggle. I don't think I'm going to make it. sob. My feet are swollen, my back hurts, and I can't stop eating. snort."

"Elves do not die from pregnancy, dear. Come now, it's not that bad!" Aragorn said, attempting to comfort his wife. "And you shouldn't worry about looking fat...you'll lose the weight soon enough."

Caladria cringed. The two things you NEVER tell a pregnant woman is that a.) pregnancy discomfort is not uncomfortable; and b.) that she's fat. Aragorn had managed to say both in one sentence. This was NOT going to be pretty.

"You DO think I'm fat! SOB You try going around carrying a person inside your stomach for nine months whose doing his best to beat you up from the inside out, and then we'll talk about whether or not 'it's not that bad!' HOWL" Arwen picked up the bowl of pickled turnips and neatly dumped it on Aragorn's head.

Aragorn just stood there looking with a look of disbelief at his wife as turnip juice dripped down into his beard. "What did I say?"

Haldir tugged on Caladria's arm, and led her to their table, where the other three Walkers were waiting. "Let's get out of the line of fire," he whispered. "I think Arwen may actually draw blood next time."

Legolas stood as Caladria was seated. Gimli and Sam were too busy devouring the appetizers to notice her.

"Legolas, Gimli, Sam, please meet Lady Caladria. Caladria, these are the other members of my Fellowship - Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood; Gimli - GIMLI!"

Gimli picked his head up from his plate, a questioning look on his face. He noticed Caladria, and elbowed Sam, who likewise looked up.

"Thank you," Haldir continued, "Gimli, son of Gloin; and Samwise Gamgee, of the Shire."

"I'm pleased to meet you all," Caladria said graciously, executing a small curtsy.

Legolas bowed deeply, smiling at Caladria. Gimli grunted a greeting and went back to eating. Sam stared openly, a look of wonderment on his face.

"Haldir...I never expected you to bring a date! You never struck me as a ladies' Elf," Sam said.

"She is not a date," Haldir retorted, earning a raised eyebrow from Caladria. "She is the One!"

That remark even grabbed Gimli's attention away from his food. Looking up, he grinned broadly, recognizing Caladria from the night before.

"Ho, ho! This Lassie is the One? Is she not also the One ye were doing yer little dance for last night, Haldir?" Gimli slapped the table, shaking with laughter. "Of all the ladies in the Hall last night, ye pick the One to shake yer dingle at!" Legolas and Sam were trying to hide the smirks on their faces from Haldir, but doing a poor job of it.

"DWARF! I will not allow such bawdy talk in front of the One! Keep a civil tongue in your head, or find yourself without one!" Haldir hissed.

Caladria covered her mouth, but her eyes were twinkling with swallowed laughter as she looked at Gimli. Gimli saw her laughing, and that she was not offended in the least. He decided on the spot that he liked her.

Haldir and Caladria sat, and soon enough dinner was served. Looking down at her plate of mutton, she quietly asked the server for a plate of vegetables instead.

"You don't like mutton?" Sam asked, his mouth full of sheep.

"I have a hard time eating anything that once had a face..." Caladria explained, shrugging her shoulders. "You never know if I may have had a conversation with it."

The four Walkers looked at each other, then forlornly at their plates, and slowly put down their forks.

"Caladria has agreed to accompany us back to Lothlorien to translate the words of the Great Ring Ceeunsae for Galadrial and Celeborn in person," Haldir announced to the group. "We will leave at first light...so, " he continued, looking at Gimli and Sam, "no drinking tonight!"

"Great. No mutton, and now no ale? Maybe Sauron will pop out of the centerpiece and really make my day complete!" Sam muttered sadly, morosely chewing on a piece of turnip. He thought privately that the trip back would seem twice as long as the trip here.