Chapter Four: The Profoundly Profitable Plundering of Gringotts.
Harry Potter walked aimlessly through the Great Hall. He clasped his hands together in an futile measure to stop their shaking. His Robes were wrinkly and disheveled, having obviously been slept in the night before. He looked very much like a hobo respectable people kept their distance from. When he wandered past them, students would turn and whisper excitedly with their friends. What had happened to the noble Harry Potter, the boy who'd killed the Basilisk and fought Voldemort himself? They would snicker at how the son of Lily and James had let himself go.
Harry spotted a familiar face at last: Ron. He shuffled over to where his friend was sitting and trying to study from a book.
"Hey Ron," Harry greeted. Ron looked up to reveal a weary expression.
"Hi Harry," he returned weakly. Harry didn't notice Ron's lack of energy.
"Listen, can we talk?"
"Sure, mate," Ron answered, closing the book. "But make it quick. We've got a Charms test tomorrow and the new theories it covers may as well be in Albanian for all I understand them. What's up?"
"Well..." Harry began. How could he compress the events of the last few days into emotions and words? Professor Snape getting bitchowned by Dernon, Gryffindor's disastrous loss to Dernon, the Sorting Hat setting itself ablaze on Dernon's head, Dernon's practically overnight huge following amongst the students, Dernon's awe-inspiring fashion sense, Dernon, Dernon, Dernon... "Well, to begin with, I suppose it's that Dernon fellow. It's like he's been right in the centre of everything that's happened this year."
Ron's eye began to twitch.
"What's more," Harry went on, "he's all everyone talks about. 'I say good chap, did you see how Dernon used that right hook on Snape? The Potion Master was bloody well bloody by the time he was through with him, I tell you that!'" Harry said, imitating the voice of an average Hogwarts student. "Ron, I'll be honest with you: I don't know what I'd do if Dernon and I quarreled. Draco I could handle because our power levels were more or less equal. But on the express, do you know what I saw? Dernon had just finished giving Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle a sound thrashing. What if he somehow got annoyed with me or-"
Ron stood up and threw the book down. "Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP, you git! Look at you, you're a nervous wreck at the thought of crossing wands with Dernon when so far he's been a gentleman to everyone except when someone's foolishly provoked him," Ron exploded. "So you're not top dog anymore Harry. Boo bloody hoo. In the war for Hogwarts' Hearts & and Minds you're suddenly number two."
"Ron, please, it's not like that at all," Harry protested, scarcely believing that his best friend was rebuffing him.
"You know what, Harry? If I was the celebrity then, I'd be pretty jealous too if people started paying attention to someone else." Ron snatched his book up and stomped off down the hall as a speechless Harry watched.
&&&&&
Though he had neither proximity nor eye contact, Vernon Dursley's powers as a Legimens were so great that he could have delved into the thoughts and emotions of the guy working the Shanghai McDonald's drive-through had he so chosen. Thus, monitoring Harry's mind during his conversation with Ron had been pathetically easy. Shouldn't have skipped those Occlumency lessons with Snape, Harry!, Vernon thought to himself with a wicked grin. Speaking of the still-unconscious Potion Master, Vernon had earlier gone to Madame Pomfrey's ward to leave a get-well-soon gift: a (anti-anti-muggle technology jinxed) CD player complete with headphones that he'd carefully put around the still-unconscious teacher's ears. Pomfrey had given the go-ahead when Vernon told her it was calming music hippies meditated to. The reality was quite different: two songs played played endlessly on an infinite loop. Vernon snickered. Hope you like Evanescence and Avril Lavigne, Snape.
His thoughts returned to the information he'd obtained just now. Well, now! Do I detect some dissent in the Potter camp?, he thought gleefully. In Vernon's mind's eye, he was seeing a dramatic scene in which Harry was about to be killed by a Death Eater, only to be saved by Ron at the last moment.
"Ron, you saved me," imaginary-Harry thanked as Ron helped him onto his feet.
"Yes, but," imaginary-Ron said coldly as he pointed his wand at Harry. "Only so I could kill you myself."
But Vernon was getting ahead of himself. There was much work ahead if fantasy was to become reality. He walked over to his now-empty bed (Misty had left earlier that morning after receiving her fee while Fleur departed sometime later after extracting Vernon's promise to meet again soon.) and reached under it to pull out the dossiers the pro-Voldemort elements within Hogwarts had provided him shortly after his arrival. The critically important papers had detailed profiles on each and every person and Hogwarts, from Dumbledore himself down to the lowliest House Elf. He extracted Ron's file and eagerly began reading. With an intellect surpassing a Pentium VI supercomputer, Vernon's mind took only a few seconds to absorb the information on each page.
"So Ron's family is so poor, they use water on their Corn Flakes, eh?" Vernon muttered to himself when he reached the last page. "We also have some rather ugly unresolved jealousy issues with Harry to work with. Last but certainly not least," Vernon concluded as he shut the file, "our boy Ronald's never had himself a lady friend."
Vernon knew what he had to do. He slid the dossiers but under his bed and left the dormitories and went down the stairs, pausing to dispel the age line he'd created the night before.
Downstairs in the common room, the male Slytherins, barred from their rooms by Vernon's age line, had been forced to spend the night sleeping on the cold, hard floor. Of course, owing to Vernon's huge popularity, this change of accommodations was universally accepted without complaint (that, and nobody wanted to risk angering him.) As Vernon made his entrance, the students rushed up asking how he was and if that really was Fleur Delacour leaving earlier this morning. Vernon would have liked nothing more than to give them with a lurid blow-by-blow account of the previous night, but there was pressing business at hand- yet Vernon was not so busy that he didn't have time to ask for some warm water when he spied Draco Malfoy curled up asleep in a corner sucking his thumb (a habit he'd picked since that fateful day on the Express.) Instantly a second year girl came out of the lavatories and presented him with a cup which he accepted. Before leaving, Vernon, careful not to awaken the pale boy, inserted Draco's free hand into the water.
&&&&&
Vernon snuck off into the Forbidden Forest, confident of not being seen. He walked some distance inside to be certain of his solitude before drawing Gustave II Adolf.
"Ianua Tolkeinio!," Vernon shouted. A red ball of light shot out of his wand and hovered above the ground. It expanded after a few moments until it was large enough for a man to step through- which is exactly what Vernon did. He opened his eyes, and he was in Middle-Earth, near the orc-lairs of the misty mountains, if he recalled the geography of this fandom correctly. Vernon started walking. He knew he was getting close when he passed the outside camps where orcs and their human slaves stared at him, not certain what to make of this human traveler who marched through their territory without the slightest hint of fear. They left Vernon unmolested- even the orcs could sense the immense power waves emanating from him. Vernon at last reached the cave where the orc-king resided. The two orc royal guards posted at either side of the entrance-hole and wearing plundered Elf armour, crossed their spears to deny him entry.
"What business could a human have with Ithguk, lord of the orc-host?," one demanded of him.
"Tell your master an old friend has come to call on him," Vernon answered calmly in the Westron tongue- a language with which he was well familiar. The other guard threw back his head and laughed a squawking orc chortle.
"Our king? Friends with a human? Not likely. Clear out before I change my mind about not running you through on sight like I should have." At this rebuff, Vernon reached into a pocket and produced a metal fragment with a mysterious crest on it and handed to one of the guard.
"Show that to your lord and he will recognize me." The orc guard regarded the fragment suspiciously before reluctantly disappearing into the depths of the cave. He soon returned wearing a more hospitable expression, if such a thing is possible for an orc. The guard whispered something to his companion. They then both bowed before Vernon.
"Our apologies, master Vernon. It has been so long since we have seen you and and we feared you for one of Elrond's spies."
"I understand. May I see your king?," Vernon asked.
"Of course. Follow us." Vernon wasn't annoyed at being treated as an enemy by the orcs. To be honest, he reflected as he followed the guards to the throne room, orcs were a rather humble and likable folk once you got to know them. The image of orcs as bloodthirsty savages was the result of Elf propaganda the rest of Middle Earth had blindly believed. Vernon passed through dark cavern halls lit with lit only by torches. The guards swung open a great wooden door and the three entered the throne room. In the center was the king of the orcs seated on his throne crafted from elf-bones. Attendants, servants and advisors all standing nearby, regarding Vernon curiously. Seeing his guest, the king stood up and embraced Vernon.
"Ahh, Vernon my friend!, you've finally returned. How many years has it been?" the king greeted enthusiastically.
"Far too many, "Vernon returned with a smile. It had indeed been a long while since he'd visited this fandom.
"I was overjoyed when my guardsman showed me that piece of Eramor the Strong's shield. Oh, the memories," the king said nostalgically. "So tell me, do you still go by Vernon Dursley on the other side?"
"Yeah. Not the best name in the world but it fools the muggles." The king looked confused at this word. "It's the term for non-magic people over there," he explained. "So how are you holding up?"
"Not bad, not bad. The other week we caught a elf trade mission trying to get across the mountains. We had some fun that night, I tell you. But we can talk later when I have a banquet in your honour tonight." Vernon assumed a pained expression.
"Ooh. Wish I could stay but I'm on a job from Voldemort right now and I need a favour if I'm gonna get it done." The orc king slapped a friendly hand down on his shoulder.
"Anything for a friend. Whaddaya need?"
"Celebrian."
"Done." The king turned to a nearby attendant. "Bring forth the Elf-toy." The servant nodded and scurried off into the bowels of the cave.
"You should consider visiting the other side someday. Sure the people would freak out at you being an orc but we have disguise charms for that sort of thing. It must get monotonous hanging out in this cave all day."
"Me? Nah, I like it here. A world without Hobbits, Balrogs, Elfs or Rings of Power? Sounds pretty dull."
The king's lackey had returned with Celebrian. Vernon took one look at her and quickly turned back to his friend.
"Woah! We need to do something about those tattoo and other...enhancements.," Vernon said.
"Whatever you say. I'll have one of the shamens restore her original appearance." The king gestured to one of the orcs waiting by the throne, who came over and raised his wand while speaking magical incantations. A white light surrounded the Elf women. When it faded, her appearance had changed to her original non-arrestable-for-public-indecency form. The king snapped his fingers when he suddenly remembered something.
"That's right, we still have the gown she was wearing when Manet brought her from Rivendell. I'll have it put on her." No sooner had he spoken these words when said gown was slipped over Celebrian's head by a slave. "Alright, she's ready to go. Bring her back in one piece, alright? And come visit again soon," said the king. Vernon nodded. "I'll have her back before long. Thanks again!" Vernon took the Elf-maiden in hand and led her out of the cave.
&&&&&
"...And then you take him to this room I'm going to show you," Vernon finished explaining as they walked through the halls of Hogwarts. As they did, students would would turn and stare at the amazing beautiful Elf women Vernon was with. Was she a new student? His new girlfriend?
"This Harry, how big is he?," Celebrian asked. Vernon shrugged. "No, not particularly. He's five-foot something, about average tallness for a teenager."
"I wasn't talking about height."
Vernon sucked in his breath. "I wouldn't know." They reached were he'd been leading them- the room of requirement. Vernon opened the door to reveal a plain room of bare walls, a cot in one corner with a nightstand next to it. Hanging on a coat rack was a female Hogwarts uniform. The rest of the chamber was empty. "This is where you'll be staying until I come get you," Vernon told her as the former queen walked inside. "Just remember your cues and stay quiet unless someone talks to you," Vernon instructed from the doorway.
"What am I to do until then?," Celebrian asked. She suddenly began looking over Vernon with renewed interest and a haunted look in her eyes. She took a step towards him. "What about you? May I play with you? May Celebrian, Elf who loves Vernon's-"
"No!," Vernon cut in quickly. "Just be patient until it's time." He caught a glimpse of what looked like It looked like a stick painted black. "I'm sure you'll find some way to pass the time," he said before shutting the door. The first part of his anti-Ron plan was under way. It was time to begin the second. Vernon went to see Fleur.
Though the French girl was technically not a Hogwarts student, she was residing with the Hufflepuffs. Vernon made his way into the Great Hall and down a staircase. He walked through several passageways until he saw the entrance portrait at the end of a deserted hall. He ducked out of sight and pulled out Gustave II Adolf. "Invisibili Disparatus, " he whispered to perform the invisibility charm. He tapped the tip of his wand on his head and instantly became invisible. Now it was only a matter of waiting until a Hufflepuff came along to open the door. Vernon didn't even have to wait a minute before a fourth year boy came down the stairs and approached the painting of a stern-looking woman with a butch haircut and sour expression standing in a picket line brandishing a sign reading Hey ho hey ho western culture's got to go!
"Revolution," the boy said.
"Damn right, revolution," the woman in the painting said while swinging aside to open the entrance. "It's exactly what we sisters need to get away from the oppressive-male dominated culture forced on us. Yeah, you'd better run inside..." Vernon slipped in alongside the Hufflepuff boy when he dashed in.
The interior of the Hufflepuff common room was splendidly decadent. Games of poker with real money were played well in earnest on the floor- just as Vernon entered, one player won more money than Arthur Weasly had made in ten years working at his entry-level desk job. Around the crackling fireplace, a group of radical hippie tree loving communists were eagerly discussing the prospects of a worldwide revolution and how their endorsed candidate, John Kerry, was doing in the polls. In another corner, a man dressed in a white suit with matching top hat stood in a corner brandishing a diamond-studded cane while a group of women dressed in slinky outfits stood nearby. The rest of the common room was occupied by students drinking irresponsibly and passing out on the floor at various intervals. Vernon would have gladly joined the fun, but seeing Fleur was more important. He slipped past the people in the common room and made his way to the girl's dormitory staircase. He began dashing up the stairs-
And cursed when the anti-boys sorcery triggered and caused the steps beneath his feet to fold down to create a slide, making him tumble slid to the foot of the stairs. He quickly got back on his feet and pulled out Gustave II Adolf, which was somewhat difficult considering that he was still invisible. With a whisper of "Incredibon Arachnus,"" he cast the wallcrawler charm on him self and began crawling along the staircase walls, moving up in spite of the unusable stairs. At last he reached the top of the stairs and set his feet back on the ground. The dormitories were empty save for Fleur Delacour reading a book on her bed. "Invisbili Dispellium, "Vernon said to cancel the effects of the invisibility charm. Now visible, he moved to where Fleur was reading. The French girl heard him approaching and looked up from her book. She smiled and sat up when she saw who it was. She reached out and embraced him, with Vernon returning the gesture. "Mon Dieu!" Dernon, it has been so longue. All day I've been thinking about last nuit and how magnifique it was. "Can we-"
"Yeah, yeah, I know I was fantastic. Listen Fleur, baby," Vernon cut in. "Remember how you worked at Gringotts? You would happen to have a map of it, would you?" Fleur seemed confused with his request. After a brief hesitation, she answered.
"Oui. They give to each employee a map so we don't get lost underground. I keep mine in my purse by le nightstand. Mon chere Dernon, you can borrow..." Her words trailed off as Vernon opened her bag before she'd finished speaking. Vernon dug through her things until at last he pulled out the map, all folded up like a tourist brochure.
"Thanks, babe," Vernon said, stuffing it into his pocket.
"Vous êtes welcome, Dernon. Now, the Weird Sisters are performing at the Hogs Head and I was hoping we could go...?," she asked, her big eyes shining with hope.
"Sorry slut, but we're through."
It took a few moments for his words to sink in.
"WHAT!?"
"C'mon Fleur be reasonalble- we would never have worked out," he said laughing as he walked out with the sound of her sobbing following him down the stairs.
&&&&&
"...Honestly, Hermione, you would have done the same thing. The way he was fretting over his loss of status was just appalling. 'Oh no! Whatever shall I do if Dernon becomes cross with me?,'" Ron mocked.
"My ears are burning...," Dernon announced from behind them, startling the trio. They were sitting at a table with five chairs. Dernon and his mysterious lady companion with silver hair invited themselves to sit down. Celebrian took the seat adjacent to Harry. "So what's going on, guys?" Harry's Uncle asked friendlily.
"Well, Ron and Harry were discussing some...issues they've been having recently," Hermione spoke hope, hoping that some normal conversation would help heal the rift between her two friends.
"Ah yes, Harry Potter. I hear so much about you in the halls. You're quite famous you know. We should actually talk more, I'd love to get to know you better," Vernon said. To the surprise of the trio, he thrust he hand across the table at Harry for a handshake, which the other boy accepted cautiously. Vernon somehow avoided the temptation of squeezing his hand into a bone-shattering grip. The gesture finished and both withdrew their hands.
"Famous? Not as much as he used to be," Ron muttered darkly from where he was sitting.
"Ron!" Hermione scolded.
"So who's your friend?," Harry asked, grateful to have something to talk about other than his problems with Ron and genuinely curious about the incredibly beautiful Elf woman sitting next to him.
"Glad you asked. This is Sally Brian. She's a transfer student just like me. Isn't that right, Sally?"
"Yes," answered a bored Celebrian. She couldn't have cared less about the people she was meeting- her only concern being an idle wondering of when she could return to the cave of the orc king. "I should caution that Sally is from a very open culture that's quite different from our society dominated by sexually-repressed right-wing Christian fundamentalists, so you may encounter some...cultural differences around her. Sally, why don't you formally introduce yourself to Harry?" Vernon said, stressing her cue words. Celebrian's eyes opened wide and she turned to the boy seated next to her.
"Why hello there, Harry," the former Elf queen said in a sultry voice. Harry's heart skipped a beat. "How about you and me ditch these losers and hook up in your room," she seductively suggested while running a finger up his chest.
Harry practically swallowed his Adam's Apple.
"Uh, sure, ok." He and Celebrian stood up and headed off towards Gryffindor towers. There was a silence at the table as the remaining three watched them dissapear.
"It figures," said a sour Ron."Without out even trying he gets money, fame and girls- it's all just handed to him. There is no justice in the universe."
"Oh, cheer up Ron. I'm sure things will turn up for you soon," Hermione comforted.
"Yeah, Ron," added Vernon. "After all, nothing lasts forever- not even for Harry the boy wonder. Now if you'll excuse me," he said while standing up. "I have some matters of a financial nature to attend to."
&&&&&
Everything was ready. He had his Sky Streaker, the Blessed Sack of Haul, which was as light as a feather to lift and carry no matter what was stuffed inside and last but not least, the black ski mask he was wearing.
In the dead of night, no one would notice a lone broom flying off towards the south, and Vernon had taken measures to make sure no one would miss him- namely, a straw dummy stuffed into his bed that was wearing his pyjamas.
On and on he flew. On a regular broom the trip would have taken all night.
But the Sky Streaker was no ordinary broom.
Soon Vernon was above his destination- Diagon Alley. He swiftly descended a few blocks away blocks away from where he was heading. Upon reaching the city street he began marching with a quick pace with the broom tucked under one arm until he reached it: Gringotts Wizarding Bank. He paused before the great stone doors to gather his confidence (the goblin who usually stood guard there must have gone on a coffee break or something.) Right then, no turning back now, Vernon thought to himself. Then he quietly opened the door and dispatched the two guards standing quick series of karate chops before anyone noticed. Vernon pulled out Gustave II Adolf and shouted: "Alright then, nobody moves, nobody gets their head 'davred off. Simple as that. The one hundred goblins working the counters looked up from their ledgers and accounting-books and stared at this masked bandit who had invaded their stronghold. An armed robbery of Gringotts? Why, such a thing had not been attempted in centuries! Outrageous!
Just then, what seemed like thousands of goblin guards rushed forward to attack Vernon. Under his masked, he smirked. It had been so long since he'd a serious test. Without the slightest pause he dashed forward to meet his foes. Fortunatley for Vernon, he had learned an elite form of martial arts designed for use when fighting multiple opponents when he'd vacationed at the sunny Finnish beach-resort town of Rovaniemi. Even as he fought, with his fist or Gustave II Adolf lashing out, Vernon was nostalgically recalling his memories of suntanning himself while sipping Piña Coladas bought from Lapp bartenders.
With a final kick the last conscious globlin guard's body smashed against a wall and slumped down to the floor.
"Well then, if you're finished we can move on to the next step. Namely, you all being put somewhere out of the way. Let's go! Towards that door!," Vernon instructed harshly while gesturing with his wand. The goblins quickly assessed that it was in their best interests to obey and began filing towards to door in question- which turned out to be a rather smallish supply closet.
"But sir! How are all supposed to fit inside? There's simply not enough space for all a hundred of us!," complained one goblin.
"Obviously you've never seen those pictures of 34675439567936 drunk college students stuffing themselves into a phone booth and succeeding. Just follow their example," Vernon told him with a cruel laugh.
In the end, the goblins ended up fitting into the closet with the aid of several liberal applications of Vernon's boot here and there. He seized a random goblin right before padlocking the door.
"You, you're coming with me. Get on the broom," the wizard ordered. The goblin knew what was good for him and obeyed. Vernon mounted the Sky Streaker and flew them towards one of the cavernous entrances leading to the underground vaults.
Vernon had perfectly committed Fleur's map to memory and guided his broom to the section with the richest vaults. His Sky Streaker sped down paths that would have taken hours or even days for any robber who made it past the guards to travel. Gringotts security measures had been defeated by one man with a broom, a map, and l33t fighting skills.
Vernon and his goblin hostage set down by vault number 220- the one owned by the richest company in the wizarding world- the Rapunzel's Spinning Wheel corporation, which was often accused of exploiting Hungarian child labour in their factories.
"Open the vault," Vernon gruffly ordered the goblin and pointed Gustave II Adolf at him to get the message across. The goblin meekly nodded, approached it and began stroking the vault door. The vault melted away, revealing RSW's glittering ill-gotten galleons now his for the plundering."
"Good boy. Now your job is over," Vernon told the goblin before knocking him unconscious with a well-aimed blow to the back of the head. Vernon then took the Blessed Sack of Haul and got to work.
He was back at Hogwarts before anyone noticed anything amiss.
&&&&&
As he was wont to lately, Ron's expression was glum as he loitered in a hall simply watching people go by. Harry and Hermione were nowhere in sight. Perfect, Vernon thought as he approached him.
"Hey Ron," Harry's uncle greeted. "Why the long face?" Ron sighed.
"My life sucks, how's that for a start?" the red haired boy said.
"Is that so? Then cheer up, Ronald, because I think I've got something that'll turn that frown, upside-down!" Vernon pulled out of his pocket the check that was worth more than Arthur Weasly would make if he lived to be a million and showed it to his Ron.
His jawed dropped. A drop of saliva fell to the carpet. He finally succeeded in forming a coherent sentence after several failed attemps.
"All that...for me?"
"Yep," Vernon said. He pulled it away when Ron reached for it. "Ah-ah-ah! There's a catch."
"What?"
"You must promise never to have anything to do with Harry Potter again- that means never seeing him, never talking with him, not even making eye contact."
"B-but Harry's my friend...," Ron protested, clearly conflicted whether to choose money or friendship.
"Ron, let me share some words of wisdom with you. First you get the money. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women."
Money, power, women...all his life Ron had been denied these things and had grown up craving them. Now here he was, and all he had to do to get these things was to say...
"Fine then," Ron said, accepting the check. "What good has Harry ever brought me? None, that's what. Nice doing buissness with you, Dernon."
"Believe me, the pleasure is all mine," Vernon said, before making an excuse and walking away. I love it when a plan comes together, he thought to himself in satisfaction while the newly-rich Ron stared adoringly at his new money.
