Disclaimer: See ch. 1
Rating: High PG-13 or low R
Notes: This was to be the last chapter, but it would have gone way long, so I've split it in two. Here is the first half.
Ch 2...Before Sleeping
Donna Moss sat quietly beside Josh Lyman as he drove through the late night streets of Washington DC. At every stop light, he turned his head to check on her, expecting to see her slumped against the door, asleep, worn out from her conversation with Stanley Keyworth. Instead, each time he discovered her staring at the dashboard in front of her with her hands folded neatly in her lap. The one time she turned in his direction, lights from an oncoming car glistened off silent tears that ran down her cheeks.
"Here take this." He handed her his handkerchief and fought the need to pull her into his arms.
"Thanks," she muttered and moved her head slightly, so a curtain of hair blocked even her profile.
When they'd left the White House, a few minutes earlier, it had seemed a simple enough plan, get her home so she could sleep and then they'd deal with the emotions that were ripping her apart in the morning. But Josh discovered there was nothing simple about it.
"Come here," he offered as he stretched his arm across the back of her seat. It'd been almost twenty years since he'd driven through late night streets with his girlfriend wedged in between the white leather bucket seats of his mom's Buick Skylark convertible, but he wanted badly to feel Donna pressed tightly against his side like that. It wasn't the safest way to drive, and wouldn't look good if anyone saw them, but he had a deep visceral need to provide comfort and at the moment that was all he could think of.
"No." She shook her head, and held up an unsteady hand as if to ward him off.
Not giving her a chance to turn him down a second time, he laced his fingers through hers and held on tight. To his surprise she didn't try to pull free, but held on as if her life depended on it.
Moments later, when he pulled into the parking space in front of his condo, he discovered that he hadn't lost the ability to downshift, pop into reverse, and then engage the parking brake without unclasping their hands. As a teen it had been the ultimate in cool to be able to do that, now it seemed a practical necessity.
"Donna, we're here," he whispered and caressed her cheek.
"Hmm…" She blinked looking around at her surroundings for the first time. Her mind had been occupied with replaying every detail of her phone conversation with Stanley. She knew Josh had overheard at least part of it, but how much she wasn't sure. Where he was taking her had seemed trivial at the time. "I thought you said you were giving me a ride home?"
"I did…I am." He shrugged, as he got out of the car and went around to open her door. "My home, that is."
"I can't spend the night here." She looked up at the stately old row-houses that had been converted into flats. She'd stayed there with Josh for almost two months when he'd been recovering from the shooting at Rosslyn. Then again for a week when he'd had problems the following Christmas. She loved the hardwood floors, large rooms and crown molding, but the condo belonged to him and he was her boss.
"Sure you can." He grinned as an idea came to him. "You remember the rules."
"The rules were so I could take care of you." She frowned. "And that was a long time ago."
"I'm invoking them now. This time they're so I can take care of you." He grazed her damp cheek with the back of his knuckles. "Let me take care of you, Donnatella?"
Her lip quivered as tears filled her eyes again. All she could do was shake her head in agreement and follow him up the steps to the door. It was a strange experience to have him take care of her, but she was emotionally drained and could hardly think straight.
"Are you hungry?" He offered as he hung up their coats and watched her slip out of her shoes.
"No, my stomach is tied up in knots; I don't think food would be a good idea."
"Yeah you're probably right. I've got some of that herbal tea stuff you like." It was what she'd fixed for him when he'd been too emotionally strung-out to eat. He'd started buying it for himself when Donna's original stash had run out. He doubted he'd have made it through the investigation of President Bartlet's MS and the campaign to follow if he hadn't.
"That'd be great." She looked around uncertain what to do next. Usually she had plenty to keep her busy when things were in an emotional skid, but tonight he was the one taking charge and she was the one who had unraveled. It had been like that once before, but he hadn't taken her home with him that time. 'Don't go there, don't even think about it,' a voice whispered from deep within, but it was too late. She shivered caught up in the full blown memory of a cold night, sitting on a bench with Josh, while they waited for a man with whom she'd been intimate to finish reading her diary.
"You're cold." He'd seen her shiver but was too unsure in his new position as caregiver to know exactly what to do about it, so he relied on his experience as the one being cared for. "Do you have the energy for a shower? It'd warm you up." With his hand at the small of her back, he guided her toward his bedroom and opened his top dresser drawer. Smiling he dug for a petite white tank top that he'd kept neatly folded under his boxers.
"A shower would be great. How did you know?" Anything to take away the chill that seemed to come from deep within. A little part of her wondered if there was enough hot water in the world to do that and wash away all the tears she'd shed tonight, too. Better yet, to wash it all away, as if tonight never happened.
"I've been there, remember?"
"Yes," she whispered as the memory knocked the wind out of her.
One look at her panic-filled eyes and Josh dropped the soft cotton top he'd gotten for her to sleep in. "I'm sorry you had to go through that." He murmured as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "God, Donna, I'd have done anything to prevent…I've always tried to keep you safe. I should've realized how much you were hurting. I should have known."
"It wasn't…I was all right, I…" She gasped and gratefully absorbed his body heat. "You couldn't have known. I didn't, so how could you?"
"But I should have. Those months after the…after Rosslyn you always knew when I needed you." He nodded toward the bed behind him, remembering all the nights he'd awoke in terror from reliving the shooting. She'd held him close as she'd lulled him back to sleep –back to sanity- with whispered words and gentle hands. "You knew when I was in trouble that Christmas."
"It's not the same," she argued with her face buried against his neck. "I wasn't the one sh…shot." She stuttered over the word and trembled, seeing clearly what he'd looked like when she'd walked into his bay on the Intensive Care Unit. It was one of the things that had made her stay and refuse to leave until he did.
"I promised Stanley that you'd sleep before we had that conversation." He forced himself to take a mental step back. The press of her body against his made him feel things that were indecent, when he considered how emotionally fragile she was. Stanley hadn't needed to warn him that talking wasn't the only thing that had to wait until she'd had some sleep.
"I don't want to talk about it any more, not ever." She burrowed against him, teetering on the brink of emotional exhaustion. Stanley had torn feelings out of her that she hadn't realized existed, and then made her verbalize them.
"I know it's hard." He kissed her temple and ran his hands up and down her arms. "But there are things we've left too long unsaid."
"Do you think that's wise?" They'd managed to put their working relationship back where it belonged and keep it there by avoiding emotionally charged personal issues. Never once had they discussed Cliff, Amy, Jack, or even Joey.
"It's necessary." He reached up and pushed a stray lock of blonde hair behind her ear. "But first, you need to get some rest, we both do."
"Will you hold me tonight?" Her voice broke and she couldn't look him in the eyes.
"All night long." He grinned and looked her over carefully. Her face was blotchy and her eyes were red from crying, but he didn't think she'd ever looked more beautiful. "Do you still have the energy for a shower?"
"Yeah." She nodded. "I'm doing better." When she realized it was the truth, she tried to smile, but couldn't pull it off. He'd given her what she needed just then: someone to lean on while she pulled herself together. There just might be something to his idea of letting him take care of her. She had always thought she was the stronger of the two when it came to emotions, maybe she'd been wrong. Josh seemed to be holding down the fort for both of them.
"Good, then take these." He handed her a pair of his flannel boxers and her old tank top. It was what she'd worn to bed most nights that one summer and again at Christmas when she'd stayed with him. "I'll make tea while you shower."
"But, Josh…" She clutched the clothes to her chest. There was something significant about the carefully folded top, but her exhausted mind couldn't figure out what it was.
"No buts." He tilted his head and wagged his finger at her, doing his best 'Donna imitation.' "Remember the rules."
"The rules don't say anything about you bossing me around." She tried to pout, but her voice cracked as new tears choked her throat, completely ruining the effect.
"I guess I didn't tell you, I've added some new ones: the Josh Rules."
"You can't unilaterally make up rules." She would have rolled her eyes at him, but that might have called attention to the fact that she was about to cry again.
"Ahhh, but you set a precedent three years ago, when you came up with the original ones." He put his arm around her and walked her to the bathroom. "Don't you want to hear about the new rules?
"Sure," she whispered. He was going to tell her no matter what she said, so while he was busy talking, she quickly wiped her face against his shoulder, hoping to dry her eyes before he noticed that she was crying again.
"These rules are all about Josh taking care of Donna, so she has to do what he says." They stood in the bathroom doorway and he turned her to face him. "Donnatella," he whispered. "In the Josh Rules, you're allowed to cry if you need to." He wiped away tears that fell faster than he could dry them. "You're allowed to feel anything you want and to express it, as long as we're not at work. Rule number one says, from now on, it's no longer only about what I need that's important."
"Joshua…" She'd known for a long time that she loved him, and he'd said earlier in the evening that he loved her, now for the first time she was beginning to believe it. "What you said just before we left your office, you…you really meant it didn't you?"
"Yes." He gently kissed her damp cheeks, knowing that if he nibbled on her lips as he wanted, all his convictions and promises would mean nothing. He'd take her right there, on the floor, in the hall between his bedroom and bathroom. She deserved better and he did too, so he reached out and outlined her mouth with fingers that trembled. "Shhhh, no more conversation, I'll be in the kitchen if you need me."
Neither broke eye contact as she slowly backed away. "Go on." His voice squeaked as he gripped the wall with one hand and slowly pushed the bathroom door closed with the other. "I'll be here when you're through."
Josh stopped in his bedroom and quickly changed his clothes. As he reached for the boxers he would have normally slept in, the sound of the shower brought his attention back to the bathroom and the woman who was in there. If he was going to make it through the night and keep things platonic, he had two choices: sleep on the couch; or wear more to bed. There was no doubt in his mind that if he woke in the middle of the night with his bare legs tangled with hers, he would roll her beneath him and make love to her before either of them was awake enough to know what was happening.
Even if she hadn't asked, the couch wasn't an option for either of them. He knew from experience that what she needed most right now was someone to hold her as she fell asleep and to be there beside her if nightmares woke her. With a groan he reached for the pajama bottoms that CJ had given him. He shook his head as he pulled them on and told himself it was only for tonight. Then he grabbed an old David Bowie Glass Spider Concert T-shirt and yanked it over his head as he headed for the kitchen.
Donna had used up the last of her energy in an attempt at banter over the rules, now she was feeling washed out and exhausted. The only thing ten minutes under the shower had accomplished was to steam up the room. Thankfully she couldn't see her reflection gazing back at her in the mirror over the sink. The one quick look she'd dared before stepping into the huge claw-footed tub hadn't been pretty and she doubted it had improved any under the hot water.
Moving on auto-pilot, she reached under the sink and pulled out a large jar of Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Moisturizing Cream. It had been right where she'd left it, beside a small zipped make-up bag that contained a tooth brush, lip balm and the hair clip that she'd grabbed earlier to keep her hair in place so it would remain as dry as possible in the shower.
She never questioned what her things were doing in the exact spot she'd left them two and a half years earlier, anymore than she'd questioned the presence of her tank top in Josh's underwear drawer. It felt as if she were moving in a dream, her mind too tired to think. "Later, I'll ask him about them, later," she muttered as she pulled on the boxers, and then the top. "Later, there will be time enough for me to remember why their presence is important."
When Josh came back from the kitchen he was met with the sight of Donna sitting on the side of his open bed, carefully rubbing night cream into her raised left leg. He leaned against the doorframe and watched her as he had many times when she had lived with him. She always followed the same pattern, arms, shoulders, right leg and foot, followed by the left. But tonight, instead of the sure precise movements she usually used, her hands were slow and uncoordinated.
"You need me to get that spot on your back that you can't reach?" He smiled at the thought as he walked over to her and put the mug of tea on the nightstand beside the open jar of cream. 'Just like before,' he thought. She never brought the jar into the bedroom with the lid on. He'd always wondered where else she'd applied cream when in the privacy of the bathroom.
"Yes…no…ahhh." She shook her head and tried to clear it, but everything seemed out of focus. All she saw was Josh standing before her with a gentle smile. It seemed so normal, something they'd done countless times before, but her insides were in freefall and there was nothing normal about tonight. "I ahhh…"
He made up her mind for her, when he sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard with the pillow at his back. One of his legs was drawn up under him, the other dangled over the edge of the mattress. "Turn around." Not waiting for an answer, he wrapped an arm around her waist and shifted her as he pulled her closer.
"I don't think…" She could feel his knee against her bottom and his inner thigh was pressed against her outer one. He had her surrounded. "Wait," she whispered. "This might not….Ohhh that's nice." She sighed as his hand slid under her shirt, and straight up her spine. All she was aware of was the feel of his hand moving up and down her back and the strength of his arm that support her weight.
A groan escaped his lips as his touch appeared to sap every ounce of strength from her muscles and she slumped forward, unaware that her shift in position pressed her tightly against his groin.
"That's…going…tooo…put…meee...tooo…sleepppp." Sleep was taking control of her voice as her mind floated further and further away from the conscious world until it bumped up against something that had been bothering her since her shower. Suddenly she was awake and red warning lights were going off in her head. "Wait, stop, I need to ask you some…sommethingggg." She fought to hold onto the question that was making it impossible for her to sleep, but the way he was touching her kept pushing it away.
"Shhhh, we can talk later." Josh was as hypnotized as she was by the feel of his hand rubbing up and down her spine. It was a service he'd preformed for her many times when he'd been recovering. Back then, the sensations created when his palm moved over her back, with only millimeters of skin-warmed cream all that separated them, had given birth to hundreds of fantasies. But it had never been like this, never felt this good, or right, not even in all of his dreams.
"I…" Her mind was wiped almost blank by his touch. There was something important and it had to do with her night cream and tank top, but the thought kept slipping away. "Please, I can't think straight when you do that." Her voice was raspy; tears were very close to the surface.
"There are times when it's all right not to think." He pulled her against his chest and shifted their bodies to the left, lifting her legs with his so they were tangled together on the bed. Her hip was pressed against his groin and her head on the shoulder of the arm which was wrapped tightly around her. With his free hand he pushed the back of her tank top up all the way and reached for more cream.
"Ohhh that's nice." She remembered a Christmas Eve, long ago when she'd held him like she was being held and rubbed his back the way he was rubbing hers. "But wait! Stop!" Her nails dug into the arm that was holding her and she tipped her face upward. "I really need to ask you…" She concentrated completely on the thought that had finally clarified; afraid it might slip away again. "What were my things doing under your sink and in your dresser?" It was a relief to ask the question that had tried to hide each time she remembered what seemed out of place.
"You never took them home the last time you stayed here." He whispered as her eyes searched his for answers.
"But so much has happened since then. I thought. I assumed…"
"I know." And he did know what she was thinking, but he wasn't getting into it tonight. That would mean talking about Amy, Cliff and probably Jack, too. Subjects they needed badly to cover, but not tonight, not when she was so fragile. It also meant telling her about all the hopes and dreams that he had left hidden away under his bathroom sink and tucked away in a drawer. That too would have to wait until the morning.
"Please Josh."
It was obvious she wasn't going to relax until he told her something, so he decided to tell her the truth as he'd overheard Toby teasing CJ about. "They were there as 'the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.'"
"Faith?" Donna recognized the quote from the New Testament, Hebrews 11.1. She was surprised that it was one he would know. "You had faith in me?"
"In us, Donna, in us," he whispered as he pulled her shirt back down and wrapped both arms around her, overwhelmed by the need to feel her body pressed tightly against his.
"I'm so sorry, Josh." She cried and buried her face against his shoulder. She'd almost destroyed them twice and had been about to embark on another folly beginning tonight.
"Shhhh." He comforted her as best he could. "You've got to calm down and get some sleep or Stanley isn't going to be happy with us when we talk to him tomorrow."
"He gives no quarter and takes no prisoners." Donna sighed, cringing at how Dr. Stanley Keyworth had relentlessly pushed her to dig deeper and deeper until she had uncovered a well of pain she hadn't realized had existed.
"I know." Josh ran his hand through her hair enjoying the feel of it against his skin. "But I know something else too: it gets better."
"Does it really? Right now all I seem to be able to do is cry." She tried to smile at him but the effort was ruined by tears rolling down her cheeks. "I don't even know which direction is up."
"But I do, and I'm right here, holding on to you. All night long, I'll be right here."
She couldn't take her eyes off his face. He looked calm in the presence of her emotional storm and there were no signs of backlash from the shooting. Stanley had told her Josh was stronger than she gave him credit for and the proof was right in front of her. "I love you," she whispered.
"I was beginning to think maybe you didn't really mean it when you told Stanley." His face lit up in a dimpled smile.
"I meant it." She was fascinated by something in the depth of his eyes. They burned into hers and made her acutely aware of the hardness that was pressed against her side. It made her feel giddy as her heart pounded and her stomach went on a wild rollercoaster ride. Her body quivered with need and the knowledge that all she had to do was turn, just slightly, to feel him against her abdomen.
"Ahh Donna, not a good idea." He wrapped his legs around her to keep her from moving further. Not necessarily the best way to keep his mind off the fact that only two layers of flannel separated them but it kept her pressed against him as he wanted, and didn't escalate the situation.
"Don't you want to make love to me?" Her eyes were huge and hurt.
"Oh God, more than you know. Well maybe not more than you know, cause you can feel how much I want you…I mean you can hardly miss my…my...I'm pressed against you." He doubted he was making much sense, but was afraid that if he stopped talking he would start kissing her. 'Breathe Josh, just breathe,' he instructed himself in the hope that increased oxygen supply to the brain would make him more coherent. A naughty voice in his head laughed and made him doubt that anything would help, since all his blood flow seemed to be concentrated elsewhere.
"Please Josh," she whispered. She was held snugly by his arms and legs, with very little wiggle room. "It would help take away the pain."
"That's why we need to wait." With a moan that he couldn't help, he rolled her over, so she was flat on the bed. For a moment his body had pressed into hers and her stomach had supported the weight of his blood engorged groin. It made his head spin as he fought for control.
"Don't I have a say in this?" Tears ran down her face as Josh held her shoulder in place on the bed while he pulled the cover over them.
"Not tonight." He lay on his back beside her and opened his arms to her. "Come here, so I can hold you." He remembered all the nights they'd lain like that, and how much it had helped him. "Well, come on." He watched her stare at him and didn't realize he'd been holding his breath until he felt her body curl against his with her head resting on his shoulder. It had been their favorite position for sleeping; he hoped it would be again.
"But you said you loved me. I know I love you, and I want you as badly as you appear to want me." She cried with her face buried over his heart. Exhaustion and pain overwhelmed rational thought as she shook with need. "I'm so empty inside. Please help me; please fill the emptiness, Joshua." Her hand move caressingly down his chest, but he gripped her wrist before she grazed his stomach.
"Stop it Donna and think for a moment." He gritted his teeth and wondered fleetingly if Jewish politicians were ever granted Catholic sainthood.
"I don't want to think. I want you to help me burn away the loneliness and pain." She rocked her body against his hip. "You say you love me."
"I do. That's why this isn't going to happen tonight." He gasped and had to swallow the moan that the sensation of her body rubbing against his was creating. "Stop it Donna."
"I don't want to; I want to feel you inside…."
"Donna, no!" He rolled her beneath him and pinned her to the bed, with a tight grip on her wrists.
"I…I…" She shook her head, dizzy and confused. "I…need…you…"
"Donna!" His voice was hoarse and he doubted he'd be able to hold out much longer if she pushed the issue. "Listen to me. This isn't the way it's going to happen!" He drew on all the strength he used when battling a political opponent.
"But…" She blinked and her vision began to clear. His face was inches from hers and in the shadowy-light cast from the bedside lamp; she could make out his tense expression. "Oh God, I didn't mean…I'd never…" The fight went out of her and she lay limply beneath him, having a hard time processing what had just happened.
"Shhhh, it's okay." He locked his elbows against her shoulders and cupped her face in his hands.
"But I almost, I tried…"
"Yeah, how 'bout that, you tried to seduce me." He gave her a full dimpled grin, as he fought to catch his breath.
"I'm sorry," she whispered as tears filled her eyes and she ran her fingers gently over his cheeks.
"When this happens between us…"
"You're never going to let me forget this, are you?" She cut him off embarrassed at what she'd tried to do and a bit apprehensive of what he might say.
"When this happens between us." He rested his forehead against hers and kept on talking as if she'd never interrupted him. "It's not going to be a means to mask pain or erase bad memories. Neither of us is going to be feeling broken or vulnerable. It's going to be…"
"You really do love me don't you?" She looked at him in wonder and smiled as she put her arms around his neck. He could be such a male chauvinist, 'so Josh', that it was easy to forget how sweet and kind he could be.
"You're just now getting that, are ya?" He rolled onto his back and pulled her close to his left side with her head on his shoulder.
"I guess I've been kind of confused tonight." She yawned and snuggled against him. Suddenly nothing seemed as important as sleep.
"I think we both have been, but for a lot longer than just tonight." He kissed her temple and smoothed her hair back so he could see her face. "But we'll work the rest of it out tomorrow."
"Tomorrow," she murmured as her hand slid across his chest and covered the long scar that ran in a vertical slant directly over his left fifth intercostals space. "I can hear your heart beating, Joshua." She blinked slowly trying to stay awake as long as possible.
"Only for you Donnatella." His grin made his dimples dance on his cheeks. It was the last thing she saw before he reached up and switched off the light.
"'Cause you love me," she kissed his chin, remembering what he'd said as they'd left the office. "It beats 'cause you love me."
"It sure does. Now go to sleep Donnatella."
"Joshua, I love you too." She wasn't sure if she said it out loud or not, but somehow she knew he heard her anyway.
He lay in the quiet room, listening as she whispered her love for him. Her breathing deepened and he knew she was finally asleep. Running his hand gently through her hair, he thanked God that he'd finally gotten her back beside him.
Now that she slept, he dared to bury his face in her hair and wrap both arms around her to hug her body to his. It had been a close thing, he'd wanted badly to sink deep in her and relieve the sexual tension that had been building since the first time he saw her. But as he felt his body cool and his heart rate begin to return to normal, something from long ago finally made sense.
Josh remembered waking in her arms on Christmas morning over two years ago. He'd always known he'd desired her, but what he had felt that morning had surprised him in its intensity. That morning when he'd awakened; his body had been hard with a biting need to feel hers surround him, not only to satisfy passion, but to drive out pain. His bandaged, sutured hand had moved up under her tank top as she slept. Moments later her eyes had opened. Their blue depths had been hazy and unfocused, filled with desire to match his. Then suddenly she had appeared to wake up and realize where she was. He'd seen the blush fill her cheeks as she'd quietly and firmly pulled out of his arms. Her smile had been as bright as ever, but it had had a brittle quality to it, which had made him want to cry. She had crawled out of bed and headed for the bathroom, where she'd stayed in the shower for a long time. That night, she had slept on his couch, and by the end of the week had gone home.
Tonight he finally understood. It hadn't been a sexual rebuff as he'd thought at the time. She had wanted him as badly then as he'd wanted her moments ago. He'd seen it in her eyes when she'd first opened them, but she'd known then what he finally understood now. Sex used as a diversion from pain or loneliness was only sex, and had very little to do with the tender emotions he felt for the woman in his arms. For her nothing but making love would be good enough.
All this time he'd thought she didn't desire him, didn't care about him as anything but a friend. He'd learned that she loved him a few hours ago when he'd overheard her talking with Stanley, now he was discovering how long she must have been hiding her feelings for him. He wondered fleetingly if that was why they'd both failed so spectacularly with other people, but that was for tomorrow. Tonight there was only her.
"Tomorrow, Donna," he whispered. "Tomorrow, after we talk, I'm gonna make love to you like no one ever has before, 'cause this time it's gonna be the real thing, this time it's gonna be love." 'God, I'm beginning to sound like a girl.' He grinned not caring, because he was able to fall asleep with Donnatella Moss in his arms.
TO BE CONTINUED
