Pairing: Donna and Josh

Rating: PG-13

A question of canon: I have knowingly changed Josh's position on the OR table, to give the doctors access to where his incision would have really been.

Ch 3...To Mend Damaged Hearts

Josh Lyman blinked at the clock beside his bed. It was almost 4am and he'd only gotten a few hours of sleep, but he felt better and more rested than he had in a long time. The woman in his arms moaned and moved restlessly against him. It was the third time she'd awakened him in almost as many hours, but he didn't care. Donna Moss was sleeping in his bed, at his side, with their bodies pressed against each other and he knew that was what really mattered.

"Shhhh, it's only a dream." He tried to sooth her into a more peaceful sleep by rubbing his cheek against the silky blonde head that lay on his shoulder and hugging her slim body tighter against his. It had worked twice before in the lasts few hours, he hoped it worked this time.

"Josh…" she muttered and her fingers twitched against his chest where her hand had been resting.

"I'm right here and we're both safe." He stroked her cheek in an attempt to reassure her, but had little success. He felt her stiffen and begin to fight physically whatever was haunting her sleep.

"Where….Josh…" Donna's entire body jumped as if she were startled. "Nooooo, look-out!" She screamed as bullets echoed through her dreams. Up until that night, whenever she had dreamt about Rosslyn, it had always been in silent slow motion. That was a thing of the past. Tonight she'd heard muffled gun shots, which her imagination had amplified until she knew what it must have sounded like in front of the Newseum that night in May and her mind wasn't about to let her forget it.

"Easy, easy, you're right here with me. We're both safe."

"Josh?" She blinked unsure where she was and how she had gotten there. All the while her hands moved over his chest searching for an entry wound, trying to stop the flow of blood that she had seen in her dream.

Even in the dark he could see expressions play across her face, fear, panic, shock, horror and finally embarrassment. "It's all right Donna. I'm safe, nothing happened." He pulled up his shirt and trapped her hands against his warm flesh. "Feel there's no wound, just an old scar. It happened a long time ago." He wasn't sure how he knew what she'd been dreaming, but he did.

"Oh…" her face crumpled. The old dream had been much more real this time. "Oh God," she gasped as she pulled her hands free and swung her legs over the side of the bed. It was hard to believe it had been a nightmare. Her thoughts were still groggy and her body unable to wake-up.

"I'm right here." He ran his hand up and down her back and listened to her breathing as she tried to regain control. "Lay back down, it's Saturday. I'm giving us both the day off."

"Wait." She held her hand up as if to shield herself from his words. Her mind was working at half speed, still caught somewhere between the nightmare and the waking world. It was easiest to concentrate on physical discomforts, which existed in both places. "Thirsty," she mumbled and pulled herself to her feet. "Headache," she added, hoping he would understand. She'd learned over the years that no matter how cleansing to the emotions a good cry was, the headache that followed was a heavy price to pay.

"Come back to bed. I'll take care of you." Josh threw back the covers. "I'll get you what you need."

"Bathroom…" She pointed in the general direction of where she was headed. She knew she wasn't making much sense, but if she thought about what she was really trying to say, it would require her to wake-up completely. The possibility of facing another nightmare was preferable to doing that. Awake she'd have to come to terms with what had happened the night before and more importantly what had almost happened.

"Sorry, but you're on you own for that one, Donna." He grinned as he followed closely behind her keeping a careful watch on her unsteady gait as she crossed the room. It was evident she was still half asleep. "I'll get you a bottle of water and some ibuprofen from the kitchen, while you do whatever…" He left her at the bathroom door and headed down the hall.

His kitchen was fairly new. The couple he'd bought the condo from had had it remodeled, but had kept the original glass doored cupboards. One was smaller than the rest. The summer Donna had stayed with him, she'd turned that one into a spice cabinet. She'd rearranged his entire kitchen for her convenience and he'd left it that way. For a reason he never figured out, she'd placed ibuprofen and vitamins between the pepper grinder and a bottle of almond extract. He shrugged as he reached for the white plastic container. He'd always figured that if he ever discovered what almond extract was used for; maybe he'd know why the drugstore bottles were next to it, instead of in the bathroom where he'd always kept them. It was only one of the many things Amy had tried to change about his living space that he'd refused to let her touch.

When Josh returned to his bedroom, it took a moment for his eyes to readjust to the dark but he found Donna standing beside the bed, staring at the rumpled covers. Silently he handed her the tablets and watched as she gulped most of the water in the bottle. Her eyes were barely half open and she rocked unsteadily on her feet as he guided her back into bed.

"I waited for you," she mumbled when he crawled in beside her and wrapped his body around hers.

"I noticed, now go back to sleep." He tucked his legs under hers and pulled her back tightly against his chest. If he surrounded her completely maybe he could keep the demons away so she could sleep. "It's all right, I'm here." He smoothed back her hair and let it fall across his neck.

"You were right ab…about…" Her body was pressed so close to his that he felt her tremble, even as her words slurred and her eyes fluttered closed.

"Of course, aren't I always?" He ran his finger along her delicate cheek and chin.

"No…," she murmured unable to pry her eyes open. "But this time you were. Three-o-clock in the morning courage isn't so rare if someone is holding you. Thank you for holding…meee…"

He kissed her behind the ear, when he realized she was asleep again, but he couldn't help grinning as he remembered what she was talking about. The first time he'd had nightmares about Rosslyn. Donna had held him close and quoted Thoreau in an attempt to help. 'The three o-clock in the morning courage which Bonaparte thought was the rarest.' He'd told her that it didn't mean shit when it came to nightmares, and besides old Henry David was talking about snowplows or some such thing. She hadn't blinked an eye at his testy response but held him tighter and told him to go back to sleep, she'd guard his dreams. It wasn't until the following Christmas that he'd told her that he wouldn't have been able to find the courage to sleep, if she hadn't been holding him.

Josh woke with a start. For a slit second, he was afraid that the lasts few months had been a dream and he would discover that the woman beside him had brown curly hair and an abrasive personality instead of straight platinum locks and sweetness all the way to her soul. Then his mind kicked into gear, and he didn't have to open his eyes to know who was beside him.

"Donna," he whispered as he kissed her shoulder. "Thank God." That awful moment when he'd thought he'd done something incredibility stupid faded, because he knew, even half-asleep, who was crowded against him. The answer was so simple he almost laughed out loud. When he and Amy Gardner had slept together he never woke up with her in his arms.

They'd spent their nights together much as they had their days and their sex had paralleled their conversations: moments of passion interspersed with arguments and anger. He shook his head and wondered at his own stubbornness. If he hadn't been able to relax in his sleep beside the woman, how had he ever thought he could've built a life with her? He couldn't remember once in all the months they'd been together, waking up with less than a foot of bed between them. They had protectively guarded their own territory on the mattress as fiercely as they had guarded their political views.

With Donna it was always different, they shared an intimacy that transcended the physical. Though they'd never made love, the times they'd slept together, they ended up as they were now: their bodies as close as their minds were when awake. The idea made him grin. If there was a correlation between the way one talked to another person and their sex life, he and Donna could look forward to some very passionate nights.

His eyes traveled over her shoulder. The strap to her tank top had slipped and the slope of one creamy breast was visible where the material gapped away from her skin. With shaking fingers he pulled it back into place, determined not to take advantage of her in her sleep. He'd held out this long another; he'd survive another few hours.

His stomach growled, and he checked the clock on his nightstand. It was after 7am, and he'd slept, except for the few times Donna's tossing had awakened him. More importantly, he'd made it through the night and been there for her! He could admit it now that it was morning, and he hadn't broken down. There had been a tiny flicker of worry last night. What if shots fired at the White House yesterday had triggered another episode? What if he wasn't really as strong as he thought he was? What if Stanley had been wrong when they'd talked a month ago? Worst of all what if he'd ended up being the one who fell apart, just when Donna needed him?

"Josh?" She blinked and turned onto her back. Their legs were tangled together and she could feel his body pressed against her right side. The moment was intimate and gentle and she wanted it to last forever, but knew it wasn't possible.

"Hey you." He propped his head on his hand and smiled as he watched her wake up. She wasn't a morning person and it was always interesting to see the fight she put up. He'd once heard her refer to it as 'mind over mattress'.

"Hey," she whispered, looking everywhere but in his eyes. "Last night really did happen?"

"Yup, and it was about time." He grinned at her. "I'm going to make a Starbucks run. Promise me you'll still be here when I get back."

"I promise." It took her breath away how well he knew her. Given the chance she would have made her escape while he was out.

Josh shrugged deeper into his coat and pulled the collar up around his neck to protect his cell phone from an early spring drizzle that had suddenly turned into a shower. As he pushed speed dial 4 he glanced at the darkening skies, and wished he'd paid attention when Donna had tried to teach him how to make calls in 'hands-free' mode. 'Well at least this time it's only rain, not beef stew," he sighed as he waited for his call to go through.

"McGarry," a voice squawked into Josh's ear, as he buried the phone tighter between his neck and his collar.

"Hey, it's Josh." The White House Deputy Chief of Staff could picture his boss sitting at his desk in the office beside the President's. Even though it was early Saturday morning Josh would bet that Leo McGarry was dressed in a freshly pressed suit and tie.

"What can I do for you?"

"Ahhh…I'm not coming in today and neither is Donna." He negotiated his way around puddles on the sidewalk as he tried to concentrate on his conversation with Leo. "All we had to do was prep for that thing on Monday and I've got most of the material here at home."

"How're you holding up, kid?"

"Me? I'm fine." The question caught Josh off guard, but given the circumstances it shouldn't have. "Things kind of got to Donna last night and she had a rough night. She…ahhh…she was a mess after the lockdown…and ahhh….well we have some things to talk about." He wanted to bang his head against a hard object. 'Way to go Lyman, not very articulate, are we?' "Leo, it's like this…" Suddenly something snapped and he was angry. "Why the hell didn't anyone tell me what Donna went through when I was in the hospital. Why wasn't I told how hard it was for her?"

"Easy, Josh. I figured that was between the two of you." McGarry tipped back in his chair and tried to block the memory of how helpless and out of control he'd felt that terrible night.

"Ya think!" Josh sputtered. "Only problem is that it couldn't be between the two of us, when only one of us knew about it?"

"I don't think she knew, either." Leo remembered how lost and confused Donna had looked even after Josh was out of surgery.

"And it was politically expedient if we didn't find out?" He didn't like the idea that his friends had kept something like this from him, but couldn't think of any other reason.

"That's not fair." Leo took off his glasses and tried to ignore the little voice in his head that told him Josh might be right. "What were we supposed to say? 'Hey, you guys, I realize Josh is half dead and Donna you're not looking much better, but you know what? I think there may be more to your relationship than boss and assistant.' That would have gone over real well. It would have frightened her away and frankly she was the only one who was able to make you do what was necessary to get well."

"But…

"And you, you would've shut her out and probably died because of it."

"I…" In frustration, Josh slumped into a chair at one of the empty bistro tables that dotted the sidewalk around Starbucks. "You're right, Leo. I know you're right, but I wish we'd have been given the opportunity to find out. It might have saved us both a lot of grief."

"I get the feeling you've got that chance right now." Leo sighed and decided to come clean about what he'd seen late the night before. "Josh, I was in the Operations Bullpen, on the way to your office, when you and Donna left yesterday."

"Oh…ohhh…." He blinked in surprise and looked off into the distance.

"Oh, is right."

"Well than I guess…I guess you know what this call is about?" His brows arched upward as he wondered if he and Donna still had jobs and how much Leo had seen.

"I suspect so." A crooked grin crossed Leo's face. "But I appreciate the heads-up."

"How big a thing is this going to turn into?" At least they hadn't been fired on the spot, maybe there was still a chance.

"That all depends, but let me worry about it for the time being." McGarry swung his chair around to face the door to the Oval Office as a number of scenarios ran through his mind. "For now, you take care of Donna and remember to keep your eye on what's important."

"Leo, no," Josh interrupted him. "Politics don't have anything to do with my relationship with her. Without her, my job means nothing. Hell without her I'm not sure I could do my job. If I learned one thing from Amy Gardner, it was how empty my life is when Donna and I aren't being…well…aaa…US." He held his breath as he waited for the explosion on the other end of the phone that never came.

"Thank God some good came out of that fiasco!" Leo shook his head at the younger man. "We're not talking politics here. We're talking about you and Donna."

"But you…what are you telling me Leo?"

"I'm saying that you and Donna are the only ones who haven't expected this for a long time," he chuckled. "Most of DC thinks you're a couple already. Haven't you noticed how many people ask you if you're dating her? I know I've gotten the question more than once and so has CJ."

"But I thought…God, Leo, I didn't realize…"

"I know you didn't, but don't feel bad, as I said earlier, you weren't alone in it. Donna didn't either. When you got out of the hospital, none of us felt it was our place to try and manipulate your lives. Whatever the reason you two had decided not to act on the attraction we saw was none of our business." Today was the day Leo had been dreading and looking forward to since Donna had walked in and declared herself Josh's assistant. Now he had to make it right for everyone concerned.

"I need to know one thing Josh, and I need you to answer me honestly." McGarry stopped for a moment and wondered if was really necessary to ask his next question, but too much hung in the balance for him to assume anything. He cleared his throat and forced the words out of his mouth. "Is this thing between you two for real or is it just an outlet for all the sexual tension that's been building for the last five years?"

"I love her," Josh whispered. "And she…she loves me." He threw back his head and let the rain wash his face clean of all that had come before. "The depth of what I feel for her is so staggering it takes my breath away." He'd forgotten who he was talking to as he relaxed and allowed himself to simply feel the joy, which was loving, and being loved by Donna Moss. "But when I think about it, I know what we feel for each other has been there all along. It's been the one constant in our lives, when everything else has been in flux."

"I noticed, but I think Donna needs to hear that more than I do." Leo grinned.

"Umm…yeah…well sorry." Josh shook his head and brought himself back to reality. "We…ah…still have some things to talk about, but if we work it out, we're not going to wait three more years to do something about it. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yeah, I do and don't worry about it, son." The older man sighed as he juggled the possibilities. He knew if they spun it right, everything would be okay. "I was married to Jenny for over thirty years, and I'd still be married to her now, even as White House Chief of Staff, if I'd remembered one thing: if I'd remembered to love her more than my job. It sounds to me as if you two have that covered. As to the other, you guys be here tomorrow at 3:00. That should give you time to make some decisions. I'll take care of bringing CJ in on it."

"Donnaaa," Josh called as he shook the rain out of his hair and hung up his coat.

"You bellowed?" She wandered out of the kitchen wearing his Harvard T-shirt and the boxers she'd slept in. Her hands were wrapped around the mug of tea he'd brought her the night before and she was gently blowing across freshly microwaved liquid.

"I was afraid you might have left."

"I promised you I wouldn't." In an attempt to lighten the mood she added, "besides you were bringing me coffee, what girl could pass that up?"

"But I thought you liked that herbal stuff." He teased as he nodded toward the cup in her hand and grinned at her. "You mean I was supposed…supposed to…" Josh stopped in mid-sentence and his grin faded when he realized what he was doing. It was too easy to turn conversation into banter. It was what they always did. It was how they'd managed to fool themselves for so long, but no more! "No Donna, we're not going to do it this way."

"You mean I don't get any coffee…"

"I wasn't talking about coffee and you know it."

"Yeah, I guess I do." She scuffed one red polished toenail against his rug and outlined the swirl of colors that were woven together to give it the distinctive faded vegetable-dyed pattern that marked it as an antique of Persian design. "Please, Josh," she murmured, looking at him under the sweep of her lashes. When he shook his head no, she turned away hugging herself.

"It'll be all right, you'll see." He put his arms around her and pulled her back against his chest as he kissed her on the shoulder.

"No it won't be!" She turned in anger, and put her mug down with a clank that punctuated her words. "See out that window? It's light out. It's morning and we're looking at things clearly. We blew it last night!" She had both hands on her hips and her jaw was clenched.

"No we didn't, we finally made it right. We finally admitted to ourselves and each other what we've been feeling for a long time." He had to fight to keep a grin off his face. Donna looked so cute when she was in fighting mode; all he wanted to do was kiss her.

"But that means nothing!" She blinked quickly to keep control of the tears that were threatening to fall. Last night she'd cried enough to make up for the last ten years and she didn't plan on losing control again. In her vulnerable state she'd shown too much of herself and there was nothing she could do to pull back any of the words or feelings she'd exposed, but there was still a chance for damage control. "We wasted our chance. This morning we could have said it was all a mistake, something that happened on the spur of the moment. We could have said we were carried away by the emotions caused by the lockdown." She nibbled her lip and her voice grew hoarse. "I would have liked to make love with you just once." Her final words came out in a hushed whisper.

"Wait a minute." He cupped her cheeks and wiped away tears she'd tried hard to keep from running down her face. "Is that how you really feel? We're only a one night thing?"

"No! Of course not, but we have to put the genie back in the bottle." She gripped his arms tightly. "But I don't know how we're going to do it. I don't think we'll survive another four years like the last ones. I can't pretend any longer that I don't care when you're with other women. And I can't take another four years of being alone." Her voice broke as she leaned her head against his shoulder and gave in to the onslaught of feelings that overwhelmed her. He could just make out her raggedly whispered, "I love you, Joshua."

"I love you too, and I have no plans of spending time in or out of the office with anyone but you. I thought I made that clear last night."

"It won't work." She knew that one of them had to think with an ounce of reason. "The last thing this Administration needs is a sex scandal and that's what we would create." She sniffed trying to regain control as she looked him in the eyes. "Even if I quit right now, there would be problems, because…because…of how we met."

"You're wrong, we can work it out. What this Administration doesn't need is another Cliff Calley, Jack Reese, or Amy Gardner, and that's just what would happen if we tried to put this on the back burner for another four years."

"So you're saying that for the good of the Bartlet Administration we should be together?" She shook her head at his ability to put a politically correct spin on anything he wanted badly enough.

"No, I'm saying it doesn't matter what anyone decides except us." He guided her to the couch and sat down beside her. "I called Leo this morning to tell him how we felt."

"Oh no, you didn't!"

"It turns out he already knew." Josh shrugged with a grin. "It seems everyone but us has known for years." He handed her the double latte he'd brought her and reached for his own coffee.

"No, that can't be." She thought of all the hard work and misdirection she'd used to keep herself fooled, as well as everyone else.

"That was my reaction when Leo first told me." He grinned at her until his dimples popped out. "But it's true."

"How could they?" She looked bewildered as she thought back over the years and tried to pinpoint the exact moment when her friendship and admiration for Josh had changed to love.

"Who knows?" He stared intently into his coffee before taking a swallow. "We've always just been us. Well…except for the times when we weren't." He frowned, hating to think of those times, because Calley had been at the root of the first and Amy the second. "Okay, so we conduct ourselves a bit differently than some of our co-workers, but given the amount of work we turn out, no one should complain." He shrugged. "If it had been anyone but Leo, telling me that, I'd have thought he was being a hopeless romantic and seeing things that weren't there. But 'Leo' and 'romantic' don't fit in the same sentence."

"CJ may know, too." She frowned unable to meet his questioning eyes.

"CJ?" Josh's brows rose along with the pitch of his voice. "But how could she…No Donna, she'd say something…or maybe just kill me quietly…if she did."

"She knows." Donna nodded more certain than ever.

"But how?"

"I spent Christmas with her---"

"This Christmas?" He blinked in confusion and surprise as he interrupted her. "But Leo told me he'd put you on a news helicopter for your get-away with Commander Wonderful." Josh's stomach plummeted at the implication of what she was saying. He'd spent a hellish two days fighting the mental picture of Donna and Jack snowed in at a romantic hideaway, when she'd been within easy reach all along.

"He did." She put down her latte and swiped furiously at tears that were running down her cheeks, before wrapping her arms tightly around herself. "When I left the White House I was so mad at you I thought I'd explode. You had as good as admitted that you'd been sabotaging my dates over the last few years, but when I questioned you about it, you clammed up!"

"I was jealous," he whispered.

"I know that now, and I think that on some level I understood it then. That's why I was so angry!" She swung her legs up onto the couch and burrowed into the corner. It gave her courage to feel surrounded by his sofa. "Please just let me tell this, I think it's part of what caused me to unspool last night. It doesn't make any sense, but from my conversation with Stanley I believe the lockdown was just the last straw."

"I think it's the phenomena that the good Dr. Keyworth refers to as 'two plus two equals a bushel of potatoes'. Ya know, Christmas music…sirens, how much do they have in common?" Josh smiled encouragingly as he turned toward her with his arm across the back of the sofa and pulled her feet into his lap. "You had every right to be upset with me."

"But it was more than that. Before we even landed I figured out I was really angry at me." Donna closed her eyes for a moment, picturing everything that had led up to that helicopter flight. "I'd been waiting with the Yale Men's Glee club. Charley was with me, when we heard you bellowing. He leaned over and very quietly told me to leave, and that he'd tell you that he hadn't been able to find me. It was the perfect solution. I'd get out of the West Wing on time and no one would be the wiser, but I just couldn't do it. I kept telling myself it was only the job that kept me there, but I was lying.

"Somewhere on that God awful 'copter ride I figured out the truth. It must have been written all over my face, because when we landed, Jack took one look at me and told me to go back. He said I was spending the holiday with the wrong man. He was right. I would have been, if I'd stayed." A tear rolled down her face, but she didn't notice, she was still lost in the past. "The news helicopter was headed back to DC and he convinced them to take me with them."

"But how'd you end up at CJ's?"

"I just showed up there. I didn't have anyplace else to go. I knew CJ would be there, because by the time I left work there was so much snow she'd told me she wasn't going to attempt to get to her brother's, as planned." Donna sniffed trying not to sound as pitiful as she'd felt that night. "I'd found out from one of the news guys that my neighborhood was one of many that was affected by a power outage. I didn't know what else to do. It must have been about two in the morning by the time we landed. The city was cold and it was still storming."

"You could have called me." It cut him to the quick that she'd turned to someone else for help that night. "You know that, anytime, anywhere. How many times have I told you that?"

"No I couldn't. Not after what you'd implied that night." She shook her head trying to make sense of the confusion that had filled her head. "I held it together until CJ opened the door. I really thought I had myself under control, but then I stepped into her hallway. It was warm and there were candles and Christmas lights, even a fire blazing in the fireplace. Danny Concannon was sitting on the sofa with a brandy snifter in his hand. Seeing him there made me miss you even more, but I just couldn't…not after what had happened…I mean what would you have thought if I'd just shown up at your door?" Her voice was thin and breathy as she fought to keep from crying.

"I'd have been relieved and happy to see you," Josh whispered.

She shook her head needing to finish what she'd started to say. "I took one look around CJ's living room and began to back away. I had intruding and hated it. Then suddenly I burst into tears. She led me to the couch, but wouldn't let me tell her why I was in DC instead of with Jack, and then she handed me over to Danny." Donna laughed when she remembered the look CJ had given the reporter, along with a warning that if he ever wanted to darken her doorstep again, anything he learned that night had better be off the record. "She left us alone until I was all cried out. I got the feeling she didn't want to know what had happened."

"Plausible deniability." Josh nodded.

"I figured it was something like that."

"You must have been in the living room with Danny while CJ was calling me to invite me for Christmas dinner?" Josh had turned down the invitation in favor of sitting at home feeling sorry for himself. "I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I'd have gone."

"Jack was a good guy. He deserved better than I gave him." Donna sighed. "He deserved someone who didn't have to make an effort to just…to just…"

"To just…what?" Josh whispered as he turned and pulled her onto his lap, and then shifted his body so they were half lying, half sitting on the couch. He hated that he needed to know the exact nature of Donna and Jack's relationship, but there was a cold emptiness in the pit of his stomach when he thought of them with naked limbs tangled and damp from passion.

"To just be with him," her words came out on a sigh and she gripped Josh's hand tightly to keep from trembling. It felt good to finally say it out loud, but she was ashamed of herself for being unable to give more to the Navy Officer. "No matter how hard I tried, we couldn't get past the friendship stage."

"But I thought…we all thought…" He left the question hanging, unable to ask what he needed badly to know.

"No," Donna shook her head. "We didn't…he was kind." The unspoken words were written clearly in Josh's eyes. "He…ah…wanted to, but I wasn't ready…so…ah…he was willing to wait. We…we were going to at Christmas…I'd told him we would, but…" She tried to smile, but her eyes filled with tears. "He was a nice guy in the wrong place at the wrong time and I took advantage of him."

"That's why you took the blame for leaking that story to the press?" Suddenly things were a lot clearer.

"Yes, I felt I owed him." She shrugged as if that explained it all. "It was the least I could do."

"But why'd he let you do it? If he cared enough about you to send you back to me at Christmas, why didn't he come forward and set the record straight a few weeks later." It made Josh's teeth ache every time he though about how much trouble Donna could have gotten into.

"He didn't know. He'd left on his new assignment by the time I called CJ and I doubt he had time to look at any news papers. They shipped him out of DC pretty darn fast." Donna shook her head a little bewildered. "Did you go to Leo and tell him the truth? I find it hard to believe that I've never heard a word from him about it."

"Nope that wasn't my doing." Josh shrugged and tried to look innocent. "When the entire news story was read it was pretty easy to tell you hadn't given the quote." He was glad Donna had asked the question the way she had, because he'd been able to answer her honestly. There were things he couldn't tell her and one of them was that Nancy McNally had wanted it kept quiet that one of her people had let something slip to the press. She'd gone to Leo when she'd gotten back in town and asked him not to pursue the matter. Josh knew that Dr. McNally viewed General Hutchinson's action toward Jack as an attempt to undermine her office and she planned on dealing with the General on her own.

"It still seems so strange…" Donna muttered.

"I guess you could say that Jack was your Joey Lucas." Josh laughed and shook his head in an attempt to change the subject.

"You can hardly compare the two." Her brow arched and she watched him over her shoulder. "You didn't go out with Joey."

"Nope but if I had, then she would have been my Jack.

"How do you figure that?"

"She could have been important to me, but you were already there." He sighed and thought about the day he'd met Joey. "I was attracted to her at first, but always found a reason not to ask her out." He grinned to himself. "That should have been my first clue. I usually find an excuse to do something, if I want it badly enough."

"Not always," Donna whispered thinking it had taken him six years to be here with her.

"I stand corrected." His breath tickled her ear and his lips followed close behind. "Only those things that make me look like a jackass and would totally screw up my life…Hey, you're supposed to stop me here and tell me how wonderful I am."

"No, I agree with the jackass assessment." She pressed her body tighter against his and tipped her head to meet his wondering lips. He tasted of coffee and everything she'd ever dreamed of.

"God, Donnatella," his voice was thick with desire as he pulled back and rested his chin on her shoulder. "God…how could I have not seen? We almost missed…God Donna, you're right. I was a jackass."

"Not entirely, you never did ask Joey out." Donna's pulse raced. All she wanted to do was keep on kissing him.

"Yeah, well as much as I'd like to take all the credit for that I can't. By the time she was around doing the polling for the State Of The Union, she wouldn't have gone out with me, even if I had asked her."

"What do you mean she wouldn't have gone out with you?" Donna was indignant that anyone wouldn't find Josh desirable.

"Easy there, Tiger." He smiled and ran his hand through her hair. "It isn't what you think. She wouldn't have dated me, because she knew you liked me and I've got an idea that she realized the feelings were mutual."

"That's crazy. She was a virtual stranger, who'd spent very little time around us. She wouldn't have picked up on anything. Not that there was anything to pick-up on at the time."

"Since Joey is deaf, she compensates with her other senses. She reads body language as well as lips." He thought for a moment and pictured what Donna and he must have looked like with no soundtrack running. He had an idea it must have been a dead give-away. "Anyway, when we were going over the President's polling numbers following the Address, she and I argued about their meaning." He grinned as he remembered how surprised he'd been at Joey's revelation. "She said we weren't asking the right questions and the example she gave was you." Listening to a voice for long ago, he attempted to remember Joey's exact words. "She said that if we polled 100 Donna's they'd all say that I should go out with Joey. What the numbers wouldn't tell us was that all those Donnas responded the way they did because Donna cared about me and was afraid it was starting to show."

"That's not why…no, I didn't…" She clasped her hands over her mouth as tears filled her eyes. "She was right," Donna whispered. "But I didn't realize it at the time. I just thought…I just thought…I'm not sure what I was thinking at the time."

"It doesn't matter, because she wouldn't have mattered. My heart already belonged to someone else, my head just needed to figure it out." He pulled her tighter against his body. She felt so right leaning against his chest with his legs wrapped around hers. "I'm glad I didn't start something with her, she's a nice woman and I'd have hated to hurt her."

"You mean like I did Jack?" Donna bit her lip and closed her eyes.

"You didn't do it on purpose."

"Didn't I?" She could remember the exact moment when the young Navy Lieutenant Commander had become attractive to her. "I'd invited him to the Election Night Party because I didn't want him to feel left out, but then we came around the corner of the Operations Bullpen and Amy Gardner was draped all over you wearing a skimpy red dress. I…I…just about lost it."

"You were jealous?" He couldn't hide the grin that crossed his face. When he was dating Amy, he had known that Donna hadn't thought she was good enough for him, but he'd never realized why.

"Of course I was jealous, and it made me do foolish things." She sniffed but couldn't look at him. "I tried Josh. I really tried to make Jack The One. I was sick of being hurt and all I could see ahead of me was four more years of being alone."

"Shhhh don't cry. That's all in the past." He rocked her back and forth against his body and tried to ignore what it was doing to his peace of mind. "If it's any help, I was jealous, too. I hated seeing you with Jack, even that first night."

"Well it would have been really helpful if you'd been your usual self and sabotaged my dates with him, like you did with the others?" Having him admit that he'd been jealous caught her by surprise, especially since he'd been instrumental in getting Jack to ask her out the first time. "In fact, why didn't you just ask me not to go out with him, or any of them for that matter?"

"I did!" He protested.

"No, the Deputy Chief of Staff whined about his assistant's use of her personal time, but I never heard a word from Joshua Lyman." She wondered if he understood the distinction.

"You mean all that I'd have had to do was ask?" He smiled sheepishly.

"Just ask." She turned in his arms and her breath caught when she realized her hip was pressed into his groin.

"I never knew. I never understood." He looked at her a bit bewildered. "Even if I had, it's a hard thing to do. It would have meant leaving myself vulnerable and that's not done in politics."

"But we're not politics." She argued.

"I know it now." He shook his head at his own shortsightedness. "I knew it by the time Jack came along, but I couldn't ask you to stop seeing him." His expression was pained when he thought how badly he'd treated her in the last year. "I couldn't, not after what you'd been through with Amy. If you'd found someone nice while I was out making a fool of myself with her, I couldn't very well expect you to drop everything the minute I wanted you too."

"You're kidding?" She smiled sadly. "I figured Amy Gardner was my punishment for Cliff Calley."

"God, Donna, I'd never…it wasn't like that." Josh held her closer than before. "Please believe me; I wouldn't do that to you."

"I do, maybe it's just guilt talking, because I know I hurt you. You tried to hide it behind a wall of political anger, but I knew you'd been hurt personally." Donna dreaded admitting it, but a tiny core, buried deep inside needed to know that she had mattered as much to him as he had to her, even back then. It was the only way that her months of misery when Amy had been around would make any sense.

"Yeah," he whispered and caressed her cheek. "It hurt. It hurt a lot, but I covered it with anger. It was the only way I could do what needed to be done. I figured I'd fall apart later, when I'd dealt with the situation."

"But what you did for me could have destroyed you politically." Donna was frantic when she thought about what her indiscretion with Cliff Calley could have cost Josh. "It could have cost you everything."

"Not everything." A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "As long as you were safe, nothing else mattered."

"Oh Joshua…" Tears filled her eyes and she gently kissed his cheek. "I didn't know, I never realized."

"How could you, I was a real son-of-a-bitch to you for weeks." He shook his head remembering how he'd gone out of his way to be difficult and the only excuse he could think of at the time had been anger.

"Last night when you asked me what your stuff was still doing at my apartment, I knew you were asking why Amy hadn't thrown it out. Well the only time it ever was in any danger was the night Cliff read your diary."

"Josh, I'm so sorry," her voice cracked at the implication.

"I came home that night exhausted. I didn't take off my coat, just headed straight for the bathroom. I remember sitting on the floor and staring into the cabinet under the sink. I grabbed your make-up bag and jar of cream and tossed them in the waste basket; as if that would make things better and wipe away the pain I was feeling."

"No," she moaned.

"I tried to get up, but my legs wouldn't hold me. I don't know how long I sat there shivering from the dampness. I needed to hold you, but was unable to because I'd sent you home cold and wet instead of…instead of…." He shrugged unable to express the conflicted emotions he had felt after their meeting with Calley. "Finally I reached into the basket and pulled out your cream. When I opened the lid I could smell you as if you were beside me. That's when I knew I couldn't do it. I put the jar back under the sink and retrieved the make-up bag and set it beside it. Too much of my life was wrapped up in those items, too many dreams and hopes." 'And a number of extremely erotic fantasies,' he added silently. "If I threw your things away I would have been throwing away the one person that had given me a reason to fight back after Rosslyn and again at Christmas."

"How could you even stand to be around me after what I'd done?" Her voice broke as she was overcome with crying.

"What was it you'd done? Saved my life when I gave the doctors a hard time when I was recovering from major surgery? Figured out, and gotten me help when I was balancing on the edge because nightmares followed me into the waking world? Or how about all the hundreds of little things you do for me everyday that allow me to do my job?" He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her tightly. "Making the deal I did with Calley was only a small repayment of all I owed you. Don't you see, for once I got to be the strong one, for once I was able to take care of you."

"It's not the same." She trembled when she thought about how it could have gone if someone had found out what they'd done.

"Yes it is. You were used by that rat-bastard Republican political wannabe. He's the one I should have blamed, though I know I didn't, I made your life as hard as I could for almost a year. It was during that time that Amy happened, though I've never been able to figure out why. Back in college she was in the background, my roommate's girlfriend. I had run into her at some political functions over the years, but it meant nothing. I don't really understand why all of the sudden I thought she was so attractive."

"I do." Donna smiled sadly. "After you were…you were…after Rosslyn, we lived together for three months. Most nights we shared a bed, but we never allowed ourselves to become intimate."

"We were pretty damn intimate." His voice was husky as he remembered those nights. "I know the sound of your breathing as you sleep beside me at night and the little noises you make as you wake-up in the morning. I can't say the same about anyone else."

"Ohhh…" Her eyes teared up and she laid her head on his shoulder. He was surrounding her and it felt wonderful. "You're right, but that made the problem worse. We were…we were more than friends, much more than boss and assistant, but we weren't lovers, and couldn't be. Once we returned to the office we worked hard to get back to where we had been before…before…"

"I was shot?" He said the words she couldn't make herself to say. "And then went to pieces at Christmas."

"Yes, before then," Donna gasped. "I think by May we were beginning to get our professional balance back, though we slipped every once in a while." She smiled to herself remembering the night they'd tried to 'find the funny' in the Correspondence Dinner speech. The night she'd finally told him the truth about leaving Dr. Freelove. The night she told him that if he were hurt she wouldn't stop for red lights. "Then the MS thing happened and Mrs. Landingham died and we were sent spinning out of control again.

"Those days before Toby told me what was going on, I knew that something terrible had happened. You were busy and it frightened me because I could see…could see…panic in your eyes. I kept telling myself that if I worked hard enough and kept moving fast enough we would get to the other side, but nothing seemed to work. The one thing, I think, we both understood was that we couldn't backslide to where we'd been six months earlier.

"At night all I wanted to do was curl up beside you and hang on as tight as I could." Her voice broke at the strong rush of feelings the memory provoked.

"Donna…" Josh whispered.

"But we knew that couldn't happen." She talked faster and faster as emotions poured out of her. "So we shut each other out."

"Donna!" He caressed her wet cheeks and made her look up at him.

"So I had couches moved into the basement and created a place were people could crash in between…"

"Donnatella…" He rolled her beneath him and brushed her hair out of her eyes. "Shhhh Donnatella, I'm right here. And I'm not going anyplace."

She took deep breaths to try and stop the tears. "Anyway that's why Amy happened. We always watched each other's back, but we had to keep a distance between us so we stopped being us. We stopped being Josh and Donna. We needed someone who had nothing to do with work, nothing to do with the hell that was breaking over our heads and trying frantically to bury us. We needed someone, anyone to take away the pain!" She cried out. "Anyway that's why Amy…Amy…happened."

He sighed and pulled Donna closer. There it was, he'd closed Donna out just when she needed him most, no wonder she'd turned to Calley. Josh had let his fear for the President overwhelm everything else. Instead of turning to the one constant in his life, he'd pushed her into another man's bed. He only had himself to blame. He figured he'd known it at the time and that's why he'd been such a shit at work, but that didn't explain Amy.

"I think that's why you accepted a date with Cliff," he whispered.

"No…" She shook her head in denial.

"What else could you do, I'd all but deserted you, then pushed you to the edge with long hours and work demands." He ran his hands through her hair, enjoying the silky feel of it against his skin. "I knew you were as frightened as I was about what was going on around us, but I locked you out and threw away the key because you were the one person who could see right through me. I thought I had to keep my fear hidden or I'd have just been poor crazy Josh. The man who goes off the rail when he's needed most."

"No! Don't talk like that." It sent her insides spinning when he spoke that way. "You're being too hard on…"

"And you're being too nice. I went a little crazy that summer, and I'm not talking about one of my usual nutties, that would have been easy compared to what I was feeling." For the first time he thought back to that time objectively.

"Something snapped in me." Josh shook his head. "I began to live the image I liked to project. I became the pit bull. In a way Amy Gardner was the perfect match for the man I was then. She was every bit as hard and cold as I felt that fall. I used her as I never could, or would, have used you. She may have been a power dater, but I was out looking for a power fuck!"

"Oh God," Donna gasped. "I could've, I mean…you didn't need to look elsewhere…"

"Yes…yes I did." He shook his head. "I knew even then that if, and when, we made love it would be just that, making love. That's not what Amy was about."

"I still wish…"

"No you don't. It would have destroyed us." He leaned in to kiss her. "I would have destroyed us, but never again. That'll never happen…"

The ringing of Josh's cell phone made them both jump. One look at the caller ID and he immediately answered the call. "Hey, Stanley, I thought we were supposed to call you?"

"You were, but since it's almost 1:00 your time I thought I'd better make sure you were both all right."

"We've had a lot to talk about." Josh moved up onto his knees on the couch and pulled Donna with him. The morning had been emotionally charged for both of them, but they'd covered a lot of ground.

"How's it going?"

"Why don't you ask Donna." He handed the phone to her and gripped her other hand to keep her close by.

"Hi, Stanley," Donna hoped her voice didn't sound as hoarse over the phone as it did to her ears.

"How're you doing, kiddo?"

"I can't seem to stop crying."

"You've kept a lot of things bottled up for a long time, there's bound to be some reaction." Stanley was glad to hear that she was setting her emotions free. "Did you sleep all right?"

"I…well…I had a nightmare," she whispered, it was silly to think Josh might have forgotten, but she felt the need to try and hide the fact from him.

"What about?"

"The…ah…the…you know Rosslyn." Donna's body crumpled back into the corner of the couch. "Whenever I have…nightmares, it's always the same, but this time it had sound effects." She spoke quietly, her words devoid of emotion.

"Say it Donna, use the words." Stanley pushed.

"I can't, please don't make me."

"Yes you can, I've heard you." The psychiatrist was being tough and he knew it, but Donna needed to stop hiding from the past before she could move happily forward.

"No…no I can't…" she whispered. She was distracted from her conversation when Josh moved from the couch beside her, to the coffee table in front of her. "Oh God," she muttered as he slowly pulled his shirt over his head and she was faced with the physical evidence of that night.

"Donna, what's going on there." Dr. Keyworth hated doing these things over the phone, but he knew that timing was everything and this was Donna's time.

"I…ah…" Her hand could hardly hold the phone, so she dropped it beside her.

"Come on Donna, tell Stanley what you see." Josh prodded as he picked up the phone and handed it back to her. "You can do it, I did, and I'm a much bigger sissy, than you are."

"Josh's scars," the words tore out of her. She'd seen them before, even changed his dressings after surgery, but they'd never seemed as real to her as they did at that moment.

"What caused those scars?" Stanley realized that he was getting some help on the other end of the line.

"He had surgery to remove…a bullet…because he was…shot." As she said the word she shuttered and leaned forward as if in a trance to run her finger over the incision site. The doctors had cut a long line through the fifth intercostal space where the bullet had entered his chest. When she'd first heard what kind of surgery he was having she had assumed they would have opened his sternum. It had surprised her to discover him lying on his side, in what Dr. Bartlett had called 'diver's position'. She knew that to this day he still had aches and pains from spending fourteen hours on his right side.

"Stanley," Donna sighed, her fingers still following the arch of the scar. "I overheard the nurses talking one night. They didn't understand how he'd survived. Not just the surgery, but the…the…shooting," the word came out in a gasp, but both men heard it. "They said that anyone with a torn pulmonary artery should have died at the scene, because with every beat of his heart, blood was pouring into his chest cavity instead of going to his lungs. He should have died, but he didn't." She dropped the phone and burst into tears.

Josh picked up his cell and held onto Donna as he talked. "Hey, Stanley, can we get back to you later?"

"I'm not sure you'll need to, but you've got my number. Feel free to call anytime day or night." The man in San Francisco smiled gently as he sipped his espresso. "I'll e-mail you a list of people for her to choose from. She should have some follow-up with someone in DC. It might be helpful if she goes to Dr. Collins, since he already has a lot of the background from you. But let her choose."

"Is she going to be all right?"

"Yeah, Josh she is. She's been carrying this around for a long time. It's good that it finally came out. I doubt she'll need more than a few sessions with whomever she picks. Congratulations by the way, it's taken you two long enough to figure out how you really feel about each other."

"Ya know I'm hearing that a lot today."

"I'll bet." Stanley laughed. "Keep on loving each other and you guys'll be all right."

"I just wish you'd told me that a few Christmases ago, it might have saved us a lot of trouble."

"A good psychiatrist never tells a patient anything, he only leads him in the direction of self-discovery. If you don't learn it on your own, you'll never really understand it."

"It took us long enough, but I think we've…ah…got this one…ah…down pat." Josh was having trouble breathing, since Donna had never stopped running her hand over his chest. It was making his head spin and his hands tremble. "I gotta…ah…go…ah…Stanley. We'll keep in touch," his voice cracked on the last word sending it into octaves usually reserved for sopranos.

"You do that." Dr. Stanley Keyworth grinned as he hung up his phone. He'd heard the breathy quality to Josh's voice and the trouble he was having speaking in complete sentences. It didn't take an MD to know what had caused that.

"Donna, wait, stop." Josh grabbed her by the wrists to keep her hands off his sensitive skin.

"I don't want to stop." Each word was punctuated by a kiss. Her mouth worked its way over his surgical scar. "You could have died. You should be dead. I've been so afraid for so long."

"Oh God…" he pulled her to her feet with his body tight against hers. "I'm sorry, I never understood." His hands and mouth moved frantically. His lips touched every inch of skin he could see and his hands worked to reveal more to kiss.

"Josh wait," her voice was raspy with passion as he pulled the sweatshirt she'd been wearing over her head. "I want…No I need to come to terms with what happened to you," she whispered as she ran her hand over each puckered scar. "That way I know you're really alive."

"Come with me." He gripped her hand and led her into the bedroom. "Not all of my scars from the surgery are on my chest." He couldn't take his eyes off her. She'd smelled and tasted like heaven and he wanted more. He'd always known she was a passionate woman. Passionate about her likes and dislikes, passionate about what was right and what was wrong. Up until now he'd thought he'd seen her passionate about him. Their banter was a form of passion. When it had first begun, he'd thought of it as foreplay, but over the years he'd come to realize it was the safety valve that had kept them from ending up where they were headed right now.

They stood at the foot of his bed. He was dressed in sweatpants and she in a tank top and boxers. She examined every inch of his chest first with her finger tips, and then with her mouth. She nibbled her way over the old incision scar. Then her tongue and lips worked their way from one scar to the next; over a pinkish line where a chest tube had been and then the small pucker where by-pass tubing had left his body. She stood on her toes to kiss the small stab mark where a central line had been placed on the left side of his neck about an inch above his collar bone.

"My turn," he whispered and reached for the hem of her top.

"But you said there were others…" she looked up at him, before she lifted his hand to her mouth and licked the ragged scar on his palm. When he moaned in response to her pink tongue, her eyes were so filled with need that there was only a slight ring of blue around her enlarged pupils.

"Only one other," he smiled as he took her hand and held it to the left of his groin, where his leg met his body.

Donna's head fell back and she leaned against Josh for support. She knew what the other scar was from. She'd seen the tubing going to the by-pass machine when she'd watched surgery, but she hadn't known where it had entered his body.

"Don't think about it Donnatella." He moved her hand slightly to the right, until it was covering the proof of his need for her. "Think about this." He moved his hips so there could be no doubt in her mind what he was referring to. "You're right I could have died, but I didn't. I'm sick and tired of living my life as if I did. I love you and I want you. No more pretending, no more misinformation or misdirection. He watched fear be replaced by love and wanting and knew he'd made his point.

"I love you, Joshua," she whispered as he reached again for her tank top. This time she let him pull it over her head.

"God you're beautiful…" His hands shook as they moved over her skin and cupped her breasts. He wanted to kiss her everywhere at once, feel her, touch her, be inside of her and have her surround him. Suddenly his frenzy stopped as he realized he was rushing for nothing, they had all the time in the world. Somehow they'd been given a second chance. He was going to take full advantage of it and make love to her with as much care as she deserved. After all they had the rest of their lives together and this was only the beginning.

"Joshua?" She looked up at him with hunger and doubt.

"I love you Donnatella," he murmured as his nimble hands moved beneath the boxers she was wearing, and slid them over her hips until the flannel pooled on the floor at her feet. "And I plan on loving every inch of you," his husky voice rang in her ears, as she felt his hands and mouth move over her body.

Later he held her close as her breathing returned to normal and her tears of passion dried on her face. "Are you all right?" He knew that no matter how gentle he'd been at the beginning, he'd lost it there at the end. She was everything he'd ever wanted and she was finally his, it had been too much in those last moments when his passion had overwhelmed him.

"You were perfect. And I loved knowing that I could make you feel that way." She smirked at him.

"Pretty proud of yourself there aren't you?" He grinned as he kissed her eyelids. "I noticed you weren't exactly unaffected by the whole thing either."

"No I wasn't." Donna put her arms around his neck and pulled him closer, rubbing her breasts against his chest. "Why did we wait so long?"

"I don't know, but part of me is glad we did. Now we know that this is real, not some momentary flux in hormones." He felt his body beginning to need hers again and knew she felt it too. "We've been through so much together. There isn't anything we can't do."

"No there isn't," her voice was heavy with need as her hands caressed his back.

"Marry me, Donnatella." It was more a statement than a question.

"Oh yes, Joshua," she whispered. Tears filled her eyes one last time, but he was there to dry them before they could fall.

On Monday morning the following article appeared in the Washington Post:

It's About Time

By

Danny Concannon

(On special assignment in Bermuda

Life in WashingtonDC can bring out the best and the worst in people. I've been a political reporter most of my adult life and I've seen and written about a lot of things that make me wonder why we even bother trying. But every once in a while a story comes along that is a testimony to man's resiliency and a joy to all involved. It's a happily ever after, in a town that is rough on the spirit and hell on the emotions. It tells of people who were willing to give up everything for the ideals they believe in, but were lucky enough not to have to.

I have the pleasure of announcing the engagement of Ms Donnatella Moss, Senior Assistant of Operations to Mr. Joshua Lyman, White House Deputy Chief of Staff.

I've watched these two people working together for years, always putting the needs of the Administration and the country ahead of their own. Though it has been obvious to most of us who have lived, or worked in or around the Beltway, for any length of time, that they were meant to be together, somehow that information has always eluded them.

I don't know what made them finally see the light, but I'd hazard a guess it had something to do with bullets being fired at the White House on Friday night. You will recall that three years ago, Mr. Lyman was badly wounded and almost died when two gunmen shot at the President and his party while leaving the Newseum in RosslynVirginia. Maybe it was the grim specter of death once again looking their way, or maybe it was just their time. Only Ms Moss and Mr. Lyman know for sure.

Beyond the fact of the engagement, Press Secretary CJ Craig's only statement was that the White House did not comment on the personal lives of its staffers. As a member of the Press Corp who has known Ms Craig for a number of years, I couldn't help but notice the delight that lit up her voice when I contacted her for verification of the news.

Leo McGarry read the carefully worded article written by Danny Concannon. They had been right to let him leak the story. As both CJ and Donna had pointed out on Sunday, the reporter had sat on it since Christmas so he really did deserve the exclusive. 'It was nice to know that there was one reporter the Administration could count on not to screw them over for a headline,' Leo thought to himself as he moved toward his office.

It looked like it was going to be a good spring this year, unlike the last ones they'd spent in the White House. They had Zoey's graduation to look forward to, and a wedding. CJ and Toby had been right about Donna and Josh, as well. The public loved a good love story. 'Yes,' Leo thought. 'It was going to be a good spring.'

And Donna and Josh Lived Happily Ever After (after all no matter how hard it got, they had each other to lean on)