Title: My wish

Disclaimer: None of the characters in this fan fiction belong to me. They belong to all-mighty CLAMP, *worship worship*.

Rating: PG-13 for now, rating might go up in later chapters.

Summary/spoilers: Yes, spoilers for Tsubasa but nothing major I think. An AU fic, Sakura has regained her memories and returned home, but is it a happy ever after? What if what happened to Sakura affected Touya more deeply than what he initially let on? Inspired by Tam Chronin's 'To those left behind'

Warning: Shounen-ai- YukixTouya

Other notes: Special thanks to my muse- Yasmin (don't know what I would do without you ^^), Nini, spyn1l, lain, Tam Chronin, Victoria, Pipi-chan, for your thoughtful comments. Thanks to sarcastic_ash and Masako for providing me with some FyeFye info. And lastly thanks to my other Fye-lovers, Taro-chan, Fuuko-chan and Umidori-chan. *huggles*

^___^ Hopefully things will start making sense from this chapter onward… ^^; Please read and review! ^^ Author works faster with comments. *bows*

Chapter 4

If I could say it

When I see you…

The words threaten to spill out.

I'm scared,

But if I knew you better

Then I wouldn't be afraid

To say it.

If I could say it

~*~

Never before have I been in a state of speechlessness. But as I look up to stare at Yukito, words and explanations seem irrelevant. What could I say to make him understand? Was there anything to understand?

Judging by Yuki's expression, he didn't think so. 'Give me the ocular proof', Othello said, for he would not otherwise believe his Desdemona to be a whore. So here was proof beyond doubt.

Yukito had seen us kissing; what could either of us say to that? Nothing, absolutely nothing. It would've been an insult to his intelligence to try and contradict what he'd seen.

As I imagined the scene, my lips curved into a sardonic smile. Sorry Yuki, but it wasn't what you thought. You see, I didn't actually kiss Ou-sama…he kissed me.

He kissed me. Those simple three words were bound to cause more harm than relief. Yukito would feel even worse if he heard that. Nevertheless, that explanation would make ME feel better, although my conscience would not allow me to say that to my fellow mage.

I would plainly like to state that my conscience is a bitch. Then again, I guess anyone else who had seen Yuki's face would have a bitchy conscience too. His eyes had just been so heartbreaking.

And here I was thinking that *I* was heartless.

I was also regretting my decision to staying here. Yes, I did promise Syaoran that I would watch over Sakura, but I agreed to it because I did not want to return to my dimension. Moi? Selfish? Nah.

Okay, maybe just a little bit. But I couldn't help it, after all, it had been my wish to leave and never return to my dimension. However…since then… my wish had changed.

Don't get me wrong, I still want to stay in Clow country; it's just that now I realize that there's something missing. Such a long time has passed, and I have been alone for so long…

Sakura understood that right away; it was hard not to warm up to the young princess. I don't know what story she was told by Touya, but she regarded me as one of the saviours of her soul… she also asked a lot about my other two 'companions'.

I told her everything I knew about Kurogane, the black ninja, which wasn't really much at all. Syaoran asked me not to speak too much about himself… he told me he would eventually come back and confront Sakura himself. So all I ever told her about Syaoran was this: "He is a very determined youth who cares deeply about those around him."

"Really?" Sakura's eyes widened with wonder, and I struggled not to look away. She looked so innocent, and I knew she wanted me to tell her more about Syaoran, but I could not. It was a promise after all.

"Fye, tell me more…" the young princess would scoot next to me as I closed the book. "Tell me about the worlds you've visited." And so I'd begin a retelling of the dimensions we'd travelled through to regain the princess' wings.

Some details I had to leave out, but others Sakura would laugh at in delight and ask for more facts. She found our story of the kudan's especially fascinating…I admit that our time in the Republic of Hanshin was one of the best times of my life. We were all getting to know one another then.

Touya came down to listen to the stories as well. The first couple of times he was hesitant and hid behind a book or some scroll pretending to do work. Slowly he joined us, sitting on my left as I explained the different customs of the dimensions.

He gave me an incredulous look when I told him he, along with Yukito, were waiters in a restaurant. Sakura had laughed so hard she had to hold on to her side because it ached.

Come to think of it… Touya had smiled discreetly.

I never really took much notice of him, apart from acknowledging the fact that he was my king now. And there was also the fact that Yukito kept giving him puppy looks all the time… and whenever he thought no one was looking, Touya would give the high priest love-sick eyes as well.

And *that* was the reason I would never make that same mistake. It made me cringe. There was something so uncertain about putting so much faith in someone… it was like making yourself vulnerable and open to being hurt and I didn't want that.

I'm scared of putting that much trust in someone. What if they got up and left? What would happen to me if they were gone? The only answer that circled in my mind was depression and vast despair.

I guess those were the reasons I decided to try and help Yuki out.  Pretty soft of me, huh? I was unaware I could fall so deep in this.

True, I didn't know I would fall in the *middle* of this whole Touya/Yukito affair. Maybe it was some kind of trick of fate.

Getting close to Touya was not an easy task, I've chatted to him in the halls occasionally and sometimes during mealtimes. The real opportunity came when he joined Sakura to listen to my stories. But normally he was very busy; Yuki mentioned to me once or twice that ever since Sakura's soul disappeared the king threw himself into his work like there was no tomorrow.

Pity that Touya thought maintaining an aloof facade would keep him from hurting others. It was just that impersonal front the king kept now, which was hurting those he was trying to hard to protect.

Approaching Yukito was not as difficult as Touya. The mage was a 'little distant ever since I woke up'- Sakura had commented. Maybe it hadn't been obvious at first, but the rift between him and the king had been widening ever since the incident with Sakura started.

Why had things not improved since Sakura's return?  That was the million-dollar question.  My common sense told me that things ought to have sorted themselves out now that Sakura had returned.

That is why I tried to encourage them both to talk to each other. I didn't want to get too mixed up in the affair, so I did it subtly.

Touya never spoke of Yukito to me; he even referred to him as the high priest and nothing else. Nevertheless, Princess Sakura had explicitly told me Touya and Yuki had been childhood friends.

It seemed as if Yuki needed Touya more than Touya needed him. The shadows clouding Yukito's eyes… his forced smile, even when I slightly rubbed his shoulders- they were tense. It took a three-hour massage to soften them up. Jesus, talk about stressing out.

Yep, I was grateful for the fact I had locked away my heart when I left Celes. So far, it is still locked somewhere within me… or so I'd like to think.

When I see him, I can't help but feel my heart race. It's unwise, I shouldn't even consider these thoughts that cross my mind, I shouldn't even interfere in this affair… but now it's too late.

It was only when I saw his face that I understood how deeply I'd buried my emotions.  My heart had been asleep for so long, and then Syaoran had to introduce me to him. He might have been a little cold at first but, eventually, I saw that there was so much more to him behind that chilly exterior.

Maybe he saw that in me too.

Here I am being selfish again, but I can't help it. My heart aches… I cannot breath. Each breath I take causes me agonizing pain. Stop and think rationally Fye!  Think… don't feel, think…

Touya's taste is still so fresh on my lips. Oh god… I run my fingers along them nervously. What have I done? Please forgive me! I did not mean to hurt anyone… please…  I did not mean for that to happen!

I should not have returned that kiss, but I do understand why I did it. It was because my whole being had been calling out… wanting to be touched, loved, kissed… I had seen the way Touya and Yukito had looked at each other, and desired such a thing for myself.

But that kiss had been completely unexpected. Sure, I was giving Touya a flirtatious grin, but I didn't even expect him to notice. Besides, I had been trying to get Touya to admit he needed Yukito for the potion.

Okay, so the potion I'd given him was not… proper. I was aware that I put a little too much of a certain herb, though I certainly didn't expect the king to collapse on top of me like that, much less give me *that* kind of look.

It had been a hungry look, like he too was aching to be touched. A deep understanding passed between us and then he kissed me… and I kissed him back, forgetting I called Yukito's name in panic.

That had not been a good scene. When I saw Yukito come in, I wanted to explain what had happened. The words threatened to come out. They needed to come out; but one look from his golden eyes changed my mind. Those sparkling gems, which held so much life in them, were dull, as if the fire in them had been quenched when Touya and I were caught red-handed.

It was silly, they were not involved; Yukito himself had made that clear to me. But then… why do I feel so bad? I think it was because it felt good… the kiss, it made me aware that I need to be touched… but by doing that I had also made things worse between Yukito and Touya.

Then again, it had been Touya who kissed me first…Yukito had to know that. Or not; my conscience debated that in my head. It could well be the case that talking to Yukito now could make the situation worse.

The silence had been awkward when Touya fainted; I had to admit that if I had been the one in Yukito's position the whole thing would've looked bad… of course, instead of falling into the silent monotony Yuki had, I would've teased them both endlessly.

"So, I suppose we should move him to his bed." Yukito suggested, walking over to us and checking Touya's pulse. Then the high priest walked over to the cauldron and, checking its contents, gave a nod. "A sleeping draught?"

"Yes, Touya said he couldn't sleep."  I answered, sliding out from underneath Touya's unconscious body.  "I wanted to wake you up at first but-"

"I don't need to know Fye." Yukito waved his hand over the pot and its contents disappeared. "You used a little *too* much sleeping herbs on the mixture; he'll be out cold until midday tomorrow at least." Then, turning towards me again, he motioned at the king. "You take his left."

So the two of us moved Touya out of my room and into his private chambers. I left the task of tucking him in to Yukito, although once or twice he gave me a questioning glance. A look that said, 'But don't you want to do this?'

Truthfully Yuki no, I don't. I overstepped my boundaries tonight and I am so regretting it no. Yes, the bad part of me is being greedy and saying it was worth it. A kiss was worth causing this pain.

"Yuki…." My lips part to offer some kind of explanation for the bizarre events that occurred tonight, but my voice is gone. I'm scared to say it.

But Yuki… if I knew you better… then I could try and explain. Try to make you feel better, comfort you or at least make you understand.  I can't though, and I'm sorry.

My eyes follow the high priest as he moves around the room, using a wet cloth to wipe Touya's brow. I wouldn't be afraid to tell you what happened, Yuki, if only I knew you better.

When the room is sorted out Yuki and I leave, closing the door behind us quietly. "Fye, you better prepare some headache remedies for him. He's going to have a headache the size of Celes by the time he wakes up tomorrow."


"Demo… Yuki wouldn't you rather do that? After all, I did make a mistake on the sleeping potion just now…"

"Then it will be good practice for you, ne?" the false cheerfulness of his tone takes me by surprise and I wince.  Again, I open my mouth to say something, only to be cut off by Yuki's voice, "Well, goodnight Fye, I'll see you in the morning."

"Ah…hai. Good night." I hastily duck my head in a curt bow, watching Yukito's retreating back. Biting my lip, I can't help but feel guilty… Yuki…

Yuki… when I see you, the words threaten to come out… but because I'm scared…I don't know you well… I can't…

Yuki…

I'm sorry…

I want to tell you…

But I can't…

If only I could… say it.

End of Chapter 4

Next chapter: Speak not to me.

Notes: Well that was cheerful. ^^; Nyea. Anyways, I drew a Fye fanart! ^^ So here-  (and don't go blind…^^~)