Storm Clouds Always Roll In On A Wednesday
Chapter Two: Fixing Things That Aren't Broken
Cassandra sighed as she noticed that her granddaughter had yet to make an appearance in the main part of the house. It had been two weeks since the funeral and Alex still hadn't left her room. It's not healthy for her to sit up there all isolated. She doesn't come down for food when I'm here and Gabby says she hasn't come down for dinner when I'm not here either. Gabby, the family house-elf had once been freed by a smaller Alex, but had been hired again when it was obvious that neither party wanted to be separated. Cassandra folded her newspaper and got up. Enough is enough, she thought.
Alex was currently in her room, sketching. She looked at the picture she currently had drawn. It was a sketch of a boy with blonde hair that was just long enough to fall into his eyes. His eyes are always so piercing, she thought. They're cold and distant, like he doesn't want anyone too close. The boy she had drawn was currently smirking, his mouth almost mirthful in its shape, but the smirk didn't reach his eyes. His face was fine, almost delicate, like he was fragile. My demonic angel, as Alex liked to think of him, Draco Malfoy.
She continued sketching, adding more detail to the picture until it seemed as if it was a cold overcast day and the wind was the cause for the hair in the boy's eyes. Alex glanced up and looked through her bedroom window. It was a bright sunny day, quite unlike the picture she had just drawn. She looked down at it. Right now I wish I were in that picture. Maybe then I would actually be able to feel. Compared to Draco I wouldn't have to feel so cold. Her thoughts were interrupted when someone knocked on the door. She gave a sigh of annoyance when she glanced at the clock. 8:30 already, time for the dinner she wasn't going to eat, and time for Gabby to come and try to cajole her into doing so.
"I'm not hungry Gabby so you might as well stop now and quit wasting both our time!" She turned back to her sketchbook and turned to a blank page. She was about to start drawing when that was another louder and more forceful knock- one accompanied by a voice that was definitely NOT squeaky and timid.
"Alexandrea Hudahn Blake! You will open this door right now and speak with me!" Alex cringed for a moment. Then she gave a sigh and closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose without thinking. It was a habit she had picked up from her dad when she was little. It had started as a game; him getting worried about something or another and her copying him exaggeratingly to make him laugh. After a while it had become ingrained.
"Coming Grandmother!" she called as she stepped off her bed. She gathered all her sketches and put them in her desk before going to the door. She opened it and saw the slightly annoyed face of her grandmother.
"Yes?" Alex's voice was falsely cheerful and her eyes were wide and innocent. Cassandra narrowed her eyes.
"Don't you 'yes' me young lady." Alex's grandmother glowered at her until she dropped her eyes and cheerful disposition. Alex's grandfather had once said, "Never try to win a staring contest with your grandmother. It's like trying to stare down a rutting moose." Alex had tried again and again, and like this time it was to no avail.
"Better?" Alex's face was devoid of any emotion and her voice had the faintest hint of bitterness. She crossed her arms and leaned against the doorframe. Cassandra looked her granddaughter up and down. She's too thin. And her face is almost haunted. At least she looks like she's getting sleep. Cassandra held Alex's eyes for a moment longer and almost casually asked in a quiet voice,
"Can I come in?" Alex grew defensive for a minute, searching her grandmother's face for some hidden meaning. She was prepared for a fight, for anger, or disappointment or, or, something, but there was just weariness and… regret? Alex moved to the side and waved an arm in the direction of the interior of the room. Cassandra stepped in and turned to her granddaughter who was closing the door slowly.
She looked around searching for any clues that Alex was… what? Hurting herself? How she's dealing with whatever she's feeling? That she actually does something from dawn till dusk? Cassandra shook her head. That was no way to think right now. She turned back to her granddaughter who was watching her through hooded eyes.
"Done looking for potential self-harming items?" Cassandra almost jumped at Alex's perceptive guess. Only years of constant political involvement kept her from actually showing it except for a twitch in her shoulders. She looked around for a seat and sat on the edge of the bed, and promptly jumped up when she heard a hiss. Looking down, Cassandra saw Alex's snake, Jorgamund curled on the bed under the blankets right where she had been sitting. Cassandra picked up Jorgamund and set him in his tank next to the head of the bed.
(AN: the name of Alex's snake is based off of Artemisu's fic "How Soon The Rain" where the original name was Jormugand. Read it. It's good. Gawd I love that name, that's such a great name for a snake!! )
"I see you still let Jorgamund run amuck in your room." Cassandra gave a half smile to Alex, who took this as a cue to tear herself off the wall and walk over to Jorgamund's tank, picking the snake up almost reverently. She shrugged.
"I never have a problem knowing where he is." An uncomfortable silence settled in the room and for a few minutes no one spoke and the only movement was Jorgamund slithering through and over Alex's hands and arms. Alex finally broke the tension with a deep breath.
"Did you want something Grams? Or did you just come up here to spend some quality time with me?" Cassandra frowned. Throughout their entire, conversation, Alex's voice neither went up nor down in pitch. She sounded tired and worn. She looked at Alex and noticed how intently she scrutinized her snake, as if she was completely enthralled in it.
"Alex," Cassandra began, "I'm worried about you." Alex's head jerked up as if she'd been slapped and she stared at her grandmother for a moment before returning her attention to the snake. Her voice was low and with a slight edge to it.
"What do you mean?"
Cassandra stared harder at her granddaughter, scrutinizing her.
"What I mean, is that your parents died a few weeks ago and since then you've done nothing but hide here in your room. I can count the number of times you've come down to eat on one hand. You avoid everyone, you talk to no one and, and it seems like you've given up." Alex slowly turned her head and looked at her grandmother. Then she narrowed her eyes and said two words.
"I'm fine."
Cassandra sighed and stood up and took the two steps that separated her and her granddaughter. She wished that it really was nothing but two steps that separated them, but to her, it seemed more like a mile.
"Alex, you're not fine. You need to talk about it. You need to cry, vent, something. You can't just bottle it all up and expect it all to go away! Do you think you're the only one who misses them? Do you think you're the only one who hurts?!" Cassandra put her hands on the seemingly frozen Alex. Perhaps she had finally gotten through to her. For an instant Alex stood there, frozen by her grandmother's words with her eyes as wide as saucers. Cassandra gazed lovingly into Alex's face, thinking that she really had gotten through.
"Oh Alex…" She went to pull Alex into a hug and to try to breach the cavernous gap that separated them, but that little action broke Alex out of her stupor. She tore herself away and whirled to face her grandmother.
"Don't DO that! Do you think that with a few words and a hug you can fix things? Do you think it'll all be better if I just cried?" All the bitterness from the past few weeks came rushing back and was poured into Alex's words.
"They died. They DIED. NOTHING is going to change that, especially a few hugs and tears. You want me to vent? You want me to express myself? Gods, all you want me to do is make YOU feel better! You want me to slip into the role you think I belong in so that you don't feel out of sorts. Then, when you miraculously fix me, everything will be all better! Well guess what Grams? You think that if I act broken you can try to fix me and you'll have something to do and I'm not going to fall apart just because you think I'm supposed to! It doesn't work that way! It'll NEVER work that way! YOU. CAN'T. FIX. ME." The last four words grated out from in between Alex's teeth with her hands clenched into fists at her sides and her entire posture was rigid and trembling.
Cassandra stood in shock. Alex held her gaze for a few minutes as if daring her to say anything. Cassandra worked her mouth up and down, but no sound came out. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Cassandra was able to weakly speak.
"Alex…" She lifted her hand up to her granddaughter as if silently pleading for her to give her another chance, to breach the gap that seemed miles long now. Alex would have none of it.
You dug yourself in Grams and you can dig yourself out. Alex quickly spun towards the window behind her. Even while she was looking out at the end of a bright and sunny day she felt cold. She wrapped her arms around herself and stood looking out the window.
"Leave Grams." Was that my voice? She wondered. Is that really my voice that sounds so dead?
"Leave Grams." She repeated. "You can't do anything more, so why don't you just leave." So dead… Alex heard a shuffle from behind her and the quiet click of a door being shut. She stood there for a moment longer; to make sure her grandmother wasn't going to unexpectedly come back in. Then she collapsed in front of the window, quietly crying as the sun set in the horizon and the day came to a beautiful end because she knew in her heart that she was dead inside.
As dead as Draco Malfoy. The thought made her giggle for a moment because no one was colder or deader than Draco, but that was how she felt. I wonder what he would say if I told him about this? Perhaps I will. Tonight. I'll tell him tonight.
And with that thought in her head, Alex pulled herself to her bed and buried herself under blankets and brought out a small vial from under her pillow. There were three small letters engraved in the vial, D.S.P., which of course, stood for Dreamless Sleep Potion. The last thought in her head as she fell into a drug-induced sleep was, Tonight…
AN:: Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far, I appreciate it!! The next chapter may be a little late coming out but keep reading, I promise it will be coming out.
