(A/N: How many of you anime fans know about the site called "The Chibi Project"? The site where a team of "scientists" perform amusing, but slightly [actually read "really"] destructive experiments on a small, defenseless figure of Sailor Chibi Moon? Well, I don't know about you, but I love that site. And so today, I pay tribute to it, script fics, Senshi Battle Zone, Weebl & Bob, and the genius site known as "Five Minute Voyager" with a short script-ficted story I like to call... "The Voyager Project". And if you can't find all the inside jokes, too bad. :P)
::A Kazon man stands in a large field. Seska stands beside him, and a group of Kazons in white lab coats are behind them. Behind the lab coat Kazons is Voyager... and behind Voyager is a bunch of trees. Cedar trees, to be exact.::
Narrator Kazon: The place? A planet. The time? Right now. The people? You, the reader, a bunch of Kazons, and everyone's favorite traitorous bitch, Seska.
Seska: I resent that.
Narrator Kazon: Yeah, you would.
Seska: Shut up and go play with the cedar trees over there.
Narrator Kazon: Oh... cedar. ::drools and runs off::
Seska: ...whatever. ::rolls eyes and picks up a microphone:: Hello all you readers, my name's Seska, as you know, and if you don't, then where the hell have you been? I'm your host on this... the first episode of "The Voyager Project". And hopefully we'll do such a number on Voyager that it'll be the last... ::cackles evilly:: Now, what is the purpose of "The Voyager Project", you may ask? Well, it's simple, really. ::grins super- evilly:: It's to destroy Voyager, decimating it little by little with cruel experiments ALL IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE!!!
::Seska laughs manically and gives the team of... "scientist" Kazons behind her a headache::
Seska: Now, as I said, today we'll be performing a number of wonderful experiments on this crap-ass ship. Let's go to our team of... EXPERT scientists and see what they've got for us today.
Scientist 1: ::picks nose:: Uh... ::stops quickly::
Seska: ...right. So, Mr. Scientist, what experiments are we performing today? ::holds mic up to him::
Scientist 1: Erm... well... we're going to be doing the Electric Saw Test first.
Seska: ::eyes gleam:: Well, that sounds LOVELY! ::turns to camera:: Now remember kids, we're TRAINED PROFSSIONALS. Don't try any of these experiments at home!
Scientist 1: You know, I have a name... and it's not Scientist 1.
Seska: QUIET, YOU!
::Scientist 1 looks down at the ground sadly::
Seska: So. Tell me the conditions of the Electric Saw Test, Scientist 2.
Scientist 2: Well, we'll be taking the huge electric saw you see over there... ::points back to Voyager, where Kazons are lifting a huge electric saw with a crane. The blade is pointing at the folding point of the right nacelle.:: and we're going to make an incision right at the folding point of the right nacelle... just like it said in my action bubble...
Seska: That was the worst joke I've ever heard.
Scientist 2: Just you wait. It'll probably get worse. Anyway, we'll see how Voyager, with its shields down of course, stands up to the force of a gigantic electric saw.
Seska: Thank you, Scientist 2. ::turns to camera:: Now, let's all pull up chairs, and sit back to watch the destruction. ::sticks on sunglasses and pulls up a chair::
Scientist 2: I told you the jokes would get worse.
Seska: QUIET, YOU! That wasn't even a joke!
Scientist 2: Now it is.
Seska: ARGH! ::smacks forehead::
::The saw is finally finished being positioned. Three Kazon struggle to pull its large starter cord. The saw sputters a bit before turning on.::
Seska: ...Ow. That's really loud. ::grabs humungous cork earplugs:: Ah... much better.
::Scraping and buzzing echo throughout the field as the saw's spinning blade is lowered slowly onto the nacelle. Sparks begin to fly as the blade begins cutting into it.::
Voyager: Owie! That hurts, you bastards! I want my mommy!
Seska: Hohoho! Not even Janeway can help you now!
::The nacelle begins to crack off. It swings wildly and knocks down some lab coated Kazons. Then with a huge boom, the nacelle crashes to the ground, squishing Kazons as it does so. Voyager sniffs and gives a small cry of pain.::
Seska: ::turns to Scientist 3:: Okay, you. What's the damage assessment?
Scientist 3: ::adjusts nerdy swirly glasses:: Well, it seems Voyager is highly vulnerable to electric saws... ::sniffs and wipes nose with arm::
Seska: Eew... um... okay. What's our next test? ::turns to Scientist 4:: And bring me a drink in a coconut, would you?
::Scientist 4 nods and runs off to fetch Seska's drink.::
Seska: Make sure it has a little umbrella in it, too! And a bendy straw! Now, Scientist 3, what were you saying?
Scientist 3: I was saying that our next tests are the Juice and Fire Tests. In the Fire Test, we plan to throw torches in the windows of Voyager until it cries "uncle". Once it's a flaming bonfire, we'll put it out with juice, thereby making it all sticky.
Seska: Awesome. ::Scientist 4 hands her a coconut with a straw and umbrella sticking out of it. She takes a sip.::
Scientist 3: Yes, I thought so, too. ::rubs hands together and cackles::
Seska: Hey. I'm only allowed to be evil around here, got it? Now shut up or I might switch sides.
Scientist 3: ::stops:: Yes, ma'am.
Seska: And it seems the setup is almost finished. I see torches being lit and... is that... is that a giant wedge of cheese?
Scientist 3: Yes ma'am. You requested something especially nasty for us to throw in Janeway's quarters. I think flaming cheese would suffice, no?
Seska: Hot damn, you bet it would suffice. Get some Jell-o for her ready room, too, would you? And make sure to bring me her lucky teacup... I want to smash it myself... ::evil grin #1000::
Scientist 3: Of course, ma'am. ::adjusts glasses and whispers to Scientist 5, who runs off for Jell-o and Janeway's lucky teacup.::
Seska: Okay, no more numbered scientists. This is getting confusing. Scientist 3, since you've had a bunch of lines, you are hereby known as Bob.
Scientist 1: Hey! I want a n-
Seska: QUIET, YOU!
Bob: ::snickers::
Seska: Okay, are we ready? Make sure everyone's got their flame retardant weasels handy! I don't want to lose any more of you... especially not for the Impact Test.
Bob: Flame retardant weasels, check.
Weasel: Squeak?
Seska: ::adjusts sunglasses and leans back in chair, taking a sip of juice:: LET 'ER RIP!
::Thousands of flaming torches are catapulted into Voyager. Windows shatter, things burn and flames pop out of the broken windows. Voyager begins to look a little charred and crispy. Meanwhile, hundreds of tons of flaming cheese and Jell-o are thrown into Janeway's ready room and quarters.::
Scientist 5: ::pants:: I have... the teacup... Seska... ma'am...
Seska: ::stops petting her weasel:: Oh, goody! Gimme! ::snatches teacup:: Merry Christmas to me! I'll save you for later, little teacup. ::laughs and strokes it::
::Sections of Voyager explode from the flames. Kazons with hoses run up to the ship and aim::
Seska: Not so fast! I'm enjoying this!
::Another part of the ship explodes and cheese flies out::
Seska: ...Okay... JUICE! NOW!
::The Kazons aim their hoses again, and cranberry juice flies out, extinguishing some of the flames. In a matter of minutes, the ship is smoking and dripping with cranberry juice. Seska throws her head back and laughs manically.::
Seska: VICTORY IS MINE!
Bob: Ours!
Seska: No, Bob.
Bob: ...Wanker.
Seska: Next test, Bob.
Bob: ::adjusts glasses:: Obviously, Voyager cannot withstand the impact of flaming cheese and Jell-o. However, it can stand up to thousands of pounds of juicy force.
Seska: And I can squish Janeway's lucky teacup... I am a happy woman. Next test, Bob! NOW!
Bob: Yes, ma'am. ::wipes nose with sleeve again:: This test will examine how Voyager, now crippled by fire... can stand up to her own torpedoes.
Seska: Ooooooh... I like the sound of that very much. ::sips juice:: Are we ready for that one?
Bob: Yes, ma'am, we are. We've set up cannons with which we'll fire 6 torpedoes at Voyager.
Seska: Six!? Just six!? Oh, come on. We need more than that. At least launch a hot dog stand, too.
Bob: ...Yes ma'am. ::whispers to Scientist 2 ,who runs off and then loads a hot dog stand onto a catapult, giving a thumbs up sign::
Seska: Oh, boy oh boy oh boy, I can't WAIT. ::giggles:: Start firing NOW! The suspense is killing me!
Bob: Yes ma'am.
Seska: Just how many more times are you going to say that?
Bob: As many more times as you desire... ma'am.
Seska: ::sweatdrop:: No WONDER Janeway hates that.
::The Kazons, who're stationed around Voyager with their cannons, fire simultaneously, causing the ship the explode numerous times in firey showers of fire. Fireworks begin popping around Voyager, and it explodes one final time... leaving a scorched, barely recognizable pile of Voyager behind.::
Seska: ::stands up waving a flag:: I WIN! WHOO-HOO!
Bob: Yes ma'am.
::Meanwhile on a hill above the field... a pile of Kazon are lying on the floor unconscious... and Voyager's senior staff is standing near them.::
B'Elanna: Good riddance. But that was fun, huh?
Harry: We should do that more often.
Tom: We SHOULD'VE done it in season 1.
Janeway: Quiet, you.
Tom: Yes, Lizard Mom.
Janeway: Shut UP!
Tuvok: I suggest we see what caused that explosion. After all, we are explorers at heart.
Janeway: So... after we just escaped from the Kazon, you think we should go throw our asses into the fire again?
Tuvok: Precisely.
Janeway: Sounds great. Let's go.
::They walk to the edge of the top of the hill... and see the smoking mess.::
Chakotay: ::takes out a tricorder:: What the heck is that?
Neelix: It smells like... burnt leola root stew.
Tom: EVERYTHING smells like leola root stew to you.
Harry: Why does that thing over there look familiar?
Seven: To what are you referring? The burning mass or the Kazons pillaging it? Or possibly Seska who is laughing manically and drinking something?
Harry: ...uh...
Janeway: ...And why does that burning mass look really familiar...?
::Silence::
Janeway: ::gasp:: THAT'S MY SHIP!
Chakotay: ::scans with tricorder:: Dear Lord, it is.
Janeway: Betsy. NOW.
B'Elanna: Yikes. ::hands Janeway Betsy::
Tom: Oh, man. Those Kazon are so dead.
Tuvok: Indeed.
::Seska continues cackling::
Seska: I PWN! I TOTALLY PWN! BWAHAHA!
Janeway: SESKA!
Seska: Oh... it's you. As you can see... ::grins evilly:: All your base are belong to ME.
Janeway: ::glares::
Seska: ::twitches and gulps:: ...You see this? ::picks up teacup:: You make one false move, and I stomp it into thousands of pieces.
Janeway: You wouldn't DARE...
Seska: Watch me. ::drops teacup and crunches it under heel::
Janeway: ::mouth drops:: ...My lucky teacup... And my ship...
Tom: Uh-oh...
::rest of senior staff backs away::
Seska: Hehehe... what're you gonna do about it? Chase me around for 2 seasons?
Janeway: ...::twitches angrily:: No... I'm... gonna... punch my way... THROUGH YOU... ::Level 10 Death Glare:: YOU... BITCH! ::lunges::
Seska: Gah! ::is fired upon:: OW! MY SKIN! IT BURNS THE FLESH!
::dust cloud forms::
Janeway: YOU BET IT DOES! TAKE THIS! ::fires:: AND THIS! ::fires:: AND THIS AND THIS AND THIS! ::fires, fires, fires::
Seska: ::screams:: CHAKOTAY! HELP ME! I LOVE YOU!
Chakotay: You know, this reminds me of an ancient legend...
::Everyone groans as Janeway continues to kick Seska's ass::
::Later... as the sun begins to set... Kazons lie everywhere with phaser burns and they're a little crispy... just like the steaming pile of Voyager. Seska lies on the ground, twitching with her hair smoking. Janeway stands in the center of them all breathing heavily and holding her phaser rifle. The senior officers are all sitting on the Kazons' lawn chairs eating popcorn. They stand up and start applauding.::
Tom: That was beautiful, Captain! Absolutely magnificent!
Harry: You RULE, Mom!
Janeway: ::smirks and bows:: Thank you, thank you.
Chakotay: Can I give you a kiss!?
Janeway: ::backs away::
Seven: But we have no ship now.
Janeway: We can just build a new one like we do our shuttles.
Seven: But all our materials for building shuttles, let alone another ship is gone.
Janeway: You don't want me to say "Quiet, you," do you? Besides, Paramount wouldn't just let us DIE here. Optimism, people! Optimism!
::Several hours later::
Janeway: Um... ::coughs::
B'Elanna: ...perhaps today is a good day to die.
Tom: ::smacks forehead::
Harry: Well, there's plenty of cheese to eat.
Janeway: ::glares::
Harry: Eep... uh... sorry.
Janeway: ::SIGH::
Neelix: What if we took the cheese... to sickbay?
Janeway: ::aims phaser rifle::
Neelix: Crap! No, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!
::And crickets chirp as night falls.::
Chakotay: Hey, wait a minute. Where's the Doctor? He hasn't been in the entire story!
Everyone: ::looks at Voyager rubble:: Oh, crap.
The End...?
(Alright, this one was just weird but... do you WANT me to continue it? I mean, there's room for more... I need reviews, please! ::smiles innocently:: Although I think I might continue whether you like it or not. :P)
