(A/N: Ah, the joy of angst. It was about midnight one night, and I was listening to Ayumi Hamasaki's "Powder Snow". I decided to read the translation and... well... let's just say the wheels started turning. Actually, it's more like spinning wildly out of control. This is the result of feeling angsty at midnight. It's also my first song fic, too. So reviews would be so loved you have no idea. And of course, you're probably wondering what the title is. Well, big surprise, it's Powder Snow. Also, there's one line in the song I omitted because it makes no sense for the story. Now... read!)

Captain Janeway walked down one of Voyager's many corridors, smiling slightly and reveling in her cheerful mood. She'd just come from her quarters, where she enjoyed her first satisfying cup of coffee of the day. Something about the first cup always picked her up out of whatever depression she might be in, and granted her mental strength to take on whatever new Delta Quadrant menace that might decide the ship was perfect to be food or a weapon of mass destruction.

She sighed contentedly and was just about to round the corner to a turbolift when she heard two people laughing. Stopping abruptly, her eyes widened slightly. Was that B'Elanna and Tom? No, it couldn't be them, or else she wouldn't feel so horrible all of a sudden. Her spirit felt like it was being slowly crushed, and she had no idea why.

Janeway heard a male voice this time, then a female, and then more laughter. Now her curiosity, coupled with the strange feeling of dread welling up inside her urged her to take a peek at this happy couple. Slowly and silently, she yielded to her scientific side and peered around the corner.

What she saw left her shocked and speechless.

"Is this correct?" Seven of Nine asked as she snaked her arms around Commander Chakotay's neck. He laughed and pulled her into his embrace.

"There's no 'correct' way to kiss, Seven. It just... happens."

Seven was silent for a moment; she seemed to be thinking. Then she looked up at Chakotay very seriously and said,

"Can it happen now?" He smiled, and replied,

"Yes, it can." They leaned in until their lips met, leaving them lost in a joyous world where no one could find them.

Unfortunately, someone had, and her heart was shattering into thousands of pieces.

Janeway retreated back around the corner in a stunned silence.

I've lost him... she thought. I waited too long and I lost him.

She felt her heart sink farther and farther until she was fighting back tears. She heard their laughter again and immediately started walking away, lost in a daze. Her world was ripping apart at the seams and falling out from under her, and she knew it was all her fault.

Coffee wouldn't even come close to being able to fix this.

I want to be left alone.

I want to escape to a place where no one knows me.

That I'm wrong about that, that it's all my fault,

is all my heart has. I don't need tomorrow.

She didn't know how long she'd been walking, but somehow she ended up at the holodeck, and noticed that no one was inside. Without even thinking, she keyed in a program, watched the doors open, and walked inside.

She was in a green field surrounded by trees, and the sun shone brightly in the blue sky. She smiled a little, remembering the spot where they'd erected their "house", where they'd planted tomatoes, and... the monkey. But as she recalled their talk about parameters, the smile immediately left her face.

She felt like she was dying inside. Her heart had been ripped out and stepped on... but that wasn't anything new, was it?

She looked around at her peaceful New Earth program and glared. It needed to suffer with her.

"Computer, change season to winter." The sky instantly turned dull and gray, the ground began to whiten with snow, and the trees died, their leaves replaced with white, powdery capes. "This is more like it," she said, looking up to watch the snow peacefully falling around her. She sighed and walked over to a solitary tree, away from the others and stood under it.

She couldn't stop a tear that rolled down her cheek.

Can I cry as much as I want to? Until my tears wither away.

The white snow flows and muffles my tears.

Please help me.

Janeway quickly wiped the tear away and cursed herself for crying over something like this. This was nothing to cry about... right?

She was going to save this program until they got back to Earth. She would ask him if he still felt the way he did all those years ago. She was almost certain he's smile and say yes, and she would say yes, too...

But not anymore.

I've always been living in the present,

so that I don't leave even a single trace or footprint.

The candle melts down, this light is extinguished.

Her heart heavy with regret, she leaned against the tree and slid down to the ground. She wanted to cry, scream, kill something, but instead she picked up some of the white powder and stared at it.

"Why did I wait so long? How could I not see that I might lose him?" she said softly. The snow was slowly making her hand cold and numb, despite the fact that it wasn't even real, so she stood up, brushed it off, and looked up at the tree.

Can I scream at the top of my lungs? Until my voice withers away.

The white snow will forgive me for everything.

Please.

"How could I not see this!?" she said, slowly growing angrier at Chakotay, Seven, and most of all, herself. "How could I have been so stupid?" she asked herself, staring up at the sky again, watching the snowflakes spiraling downward.

I spread my arms wide. I just want to gather the shining snow.

But why? It's so fleeting.

Janeway knelt down and scooped up more snow. She sculpted it into a ball and threw it at the tree, watching it break apart and spatter over the bark like blood.

It felt good.

Can I cry as much as I want to? Until my tears wither away.

The white snow flows and muffles my tears.

She threw another snowball at the tree, then another.

"Dammit, Chakotay. You couldn't have waited a few more years, could you? You had NO idea what I was planning for you." Another snowball hit the tree. She knelt down again, made another snowball, rose up, and threw it, unleashing all of her rage and sadness into the snowballs.

"I can't even blame this on him, can I?" she said, kneeling down again. "Me and my damned parameters. Me and my damned protocols." Three snowballs smacked against the tree in succession. "Dammit, Kathryn, why did you do this to yourself!? Why didn't you just tell him you loved him!?" YOU'RE 30,000 LIGHT YEARS AWAY FROM PROTOCOL, FOR GOD'S SAKE!"

She slammed her fists against the tree and gave into the tears that desperately wanted to show themselves.

Can I scream at the top of my lungs? Until my voice withers away.

The white snow will forgive me for everything.

Her legs felt weak, so she slid down to meet the snow again, continuing to let all her tears flow while she hit the tree.

Can I cry as much as I want to? Until my tears wither away.

Can I shout loudly? Until my voice withers away.

"WHY!?" she yelled to herself, listening to the lonely echo it produced.

She cried for a few minutes, and very, very slowly, her tears died away. She sat against the tree, staring blankly ahead and thinking of what could've been, how happy they could've felt together, how perfect their lives could've been, if only she'd just said something.

Bridge duty, she finally thought. I have bridge duty soon. As much as she didn't want to see either Chakotay or Seven, she knew she had to go. She had a ship to run and people who depended on her, and she wouldn't let herself be slowed down by this. They'd all contended with missed opportunities before. Only this one was all her own.

Standing up one final time, she brushed snow off her hair and uniform, wiping any traces of tears from her face. She was the captain. She shouldn't be romantically involved with anyone under her in the first place. She allowed herself one final pang of regret, knowing they were so far from home and rules, and that she could've had him if she damn well wanted. She was surprised at how much it all hurt.

Janeway turned to the tree once more, her captain's mask back in place, and wiped some of the snow off the trunk. Pausing, she said quietly,

"Computer, end program." Her cold, white New Earth shimmered away to reveal the blank, gray hologrid. Then she turned and walked away, hardening her heart with every step.

Can I cry as much as I want to?

She exited the holodeck... only to run straight into him. Of all places he could walk by, he just had to walk by the holodeck. Flinging curses wildly in her mind, she stared at him, using all of her willpower to keep her face free of any expression.

"Good morning, Captain," Chakotay said, smiling at her.

Captain, she repeated in her mind, loathing that word like she never had before.

Can I scream at the top of my lungs?

"Good morning, Commander," she said before brushing coldly past him. "I'll see you on the bridge."

"Kathryn," he said, making her slow to a stop. Why did her heart have to melt every time he called her that? "Is everything alright?"

How dare he ask such a question. Of course not.

She slowly turned around and forced a smile.

"Of course everything's alright. Why wouldn't it be? I've had my morning coffee, no one's attacked us yet..." she replied, her voice trailing off as she continued on her way toward the nearest turbolift.

Chakotay watched her leave, remembering clearly what he knew he saw in her eyes for one second.

Betrayal. But it had vanished as quickly as it had appeared...

Janeway walked towards another corner which would lead her to another turbolift.

She had successfully built a wall of shields around her heart and wouldn't allow him to penetrate them anymore.

Until the snow stops.

The captain turned the corner without a second look back.