Disclaimer: I own neither Discworld nor Middle Earth nor any of the characters I borrowed for this story, and suing me is pointless since I'm broke, so there.

A/N: I wanted to put in footnotes like in TP's work, but I couldn't figure out how to make that work in a forum without pages, so no footnotes. Also, I'm decently familiar with canon discworld and M.E, and I will attempt to keep descriptions as accurate as possible, but I have a very bad memory. Critiques that mention inaccuracies are much appreciated, and I will fix things that are pointed out to me, I promise.


Now Read On...

Agnes and the Elves

Chapter 1- The Dancers

Agnes could hear them singing merrily. Of course, the Fair Folk were always merry, especially whenever they found something new to destroy. They would break your bones just to hear the noise they made.

Agnes ran through the woods, panting for breath. She had to get away from the elves, but Agnes knew that they would catch her soon. She could run, but not fast, and not very far. She wished she had thought to grab a knife from the kitchen, or anything iron. The iron could have scared them away long enough for her to escape, maybe.

Granny always said that the 'what ifs' were pointless, all that matters is the 'now'.

The snow is cold, flakes disappearing as soon as they touch the ground, probably because it was Midsummer's Eve. Agnes had ceased to wonder why it was snowing, concentrating all her attention on getting away.

Where is Perdita? Agnes thought, and woke up.

Agnes Nitt heaved herself out of bed, shivering slightly. The window's open, that must be why I had the dream again.

Or you're scared silly that the Elves might come back. Perdita thought nastily.

Oh, shut up. Agnes thought back, but without much force. Perdita was right, she was scared.

When Agnes was small, she used to blame things that went wrong in the house on "that other girl". Agnes gave That Other Girl all the thoughts and emotions that she was to 'good' to have. Then, when Agnes went to Ankh-Morpork she gave the girl a name. Unfortunately Agnes had an inclination for magic, and she didn't realize then that giving a thing a name gave it life...

Or, unkind persons recalled the theory that inside every fat girl is a skinny girl and a lot of chocolate. Perdita was the girl, Agnes was the chocolate.

Agnes was the product of generations of breeding in a place where a woman was expected to chop wood, carry heavy loads, have lots of children, and be able to strangle a rabid bear with her sock while making dinner if necessary. Agnes was large, Agnes was strong, it wouldn't be impossible for Agnes to have several small satellites. Oh, and she had very nice hair.

Currently, Agnes was learning to handle the responsibilities of her new status as village witch. Her lessons included: Headology, Gardening, Making Tea For Granny, Acting Like Everyone (Except Nanny Ogg and Granny Weatherwax) Should Give Me The Respect I Deserve, and Doing Whatever I Damn Well Please. The lesson's included surprisingly little magic.

Oh, and there were also singing lessons from Nanny. Agnes had a very good singing voice, but Nanny had decided that it was finally time to teach someone else all the words to the Hedgehog Song. Agnes had yet to sing more than one verse of that song at a time, it was just too embarrassing. Perdita loved it however, and would hum it whenever she felt Agnes was being annoying, which was often. It gave a whole new meaning to having a song stuck in your head.

Agnes walked quickly to the window, she started to close the shutters against the brisk autumn breeze, but paused to look outside. The moon was at first quarter, dimly illuminating Agnes' small garden and the woods beyond.

Agnes found herself staring at the moon. What was it that Granny said about the moon when it was half full? Something about magic being easiest when you're balanced between light and dark.

Agnes sighed. Aside from her nearly useless precognition, which never made sense until after the knowledge would have been useful, Agnes knew nearly no 'magic'. Perdita maintained that Granny and Nanny Ogg, the other witch in Lancre, didn't actually know any magic. She thought that they just knew some good herbal remedies and how to manipulate people. Agnes thought that she was just missing something important, and when she understood whatever she was missing, she would do magic.

Agnes firmly shut and latched the shutter, and went back to bed. Tomorrow, she decided, she would go check the Dancers, just in case.


The next morning, Agnes flew up the mountain to the Dancers. Under normal circumstances Agnes preferred walking to her broomstick because of the way she had a tendency to overhang, but the Dancers were far enough away for Agnes to decide that looking bloody stupid was preferable to walking all morning through the forest bracken.

She landed a good distance away from the circle of eight unremarkable, lumpy stones. She wasn't afraid of the stones, but no one tried to overfly them. Even the birds stayed away.

Agnes walked broomstick in hand to the squat red stone called, for reasons unknown to Agnes, the Piper. She reached out and touched it, it felt like normal stone to her.

You were expecting what? A flash of light and a warning sign? Perdita asked.

I don't know, Agnes responded lamely, I just thought there might be something.

Ha! And you think I'm the dramatic one!

Oh, be quiet. Agnes reached into a pocket of her sensible black dress and pulled out a nail tied to a string. Gripping the string, she let the nail dangle. The nail swung toward the Piper, tugging gently at the string.

Agnes frowned, was it her imagination, or was it pulling less than the last time she had come to the Stones to check? It was probably her imagination, if there was going to be a circle time this summer, it wouldn't be for another month at least. Agnes sighed and put the nail back into her pocket.

Suddenly, the circle flashed, as if lightning had struck it. But the morning was cloudless, so it obviously couldn't be lightning.

Agnes blinked furiously, trying to clear her vision. What was that?!

I don't know, but let's get out of here! Good things don't happen around the circle!! Perdita thought frantically.

Agnes, who normally thought Perdita was extremely foolish and overly dramatic, agreed wholeheartedly. She didn't want to be here when the circle was doing strange things. She sensed that there would be extra exclamation points in her near future. She needed Granny.

As Agnes turned to go, the ground heaved, pitching her into the circle of stones. She felt the nail rip out of her pocket and clank against one of the Dancers. The nails in her stout Lancre boots ripped out one by one. Agnes felt a peculiar sensation of falling several feet and several hundred feet at the same time, and she reflexively clutched her broom tighter in her hand. Then she blacked out.


When Agnes awoke she was laying on her back in a circle of … grey stones? They seemed to be the exact opposite of the Dancers she was used to; they were slender, graceful, tall stones. They had obviously been shaped by someone; they were rectangular and tapered to points at their tops, about three times as tall as a man.

Agnes scrambled to her feet, looking around and gripping her broomstick tightly in her hand. She was still in a forest, but a very different one from Lancre. As opposed to the endless evergreens of home, there were massive deciduous trees, with leaves showing all the magnificent colors of autumn. There were no buildings to be seen, just trees.

How can it be autumn here when it's spring in Lancre? Agnes wondered

Idiot! Perdita sneered, We fell through the circle, we're in one of those whatchacallems, parasite universes!

I think you mean parallel universes. Agnes corrected her.

Whatever. But didn't Granny say that it was always frozen and snowing in Elfland? Since it's not, does it mean that we're not in Elfland, or do you think they decided to change the décor?

She did say that, and I have no idea. We shouldn't have been able to fall through the circle anyway, it's not the right time.

Well, let's explain that to the circle, and maybe it'll apologize and send us home!

Agnes scowled. This isn't the time for- uh-oh.

A group of elves had surrounded her, springing down from the sheltering boughs of the trees. At least, Agnes was pretty sure they were elves, they were too tall, and Agnes didn't get a sudden urge to fall to her knees and worship them, but she could still sense….. something. It wasn't the Glamour, but she got the feeling that they were too old, and of course they were too beautiful to be real people.

And all off them had bows in hand, with arrows aimed right at her.


AN: I'm having two problems with this. Number the first, I can't think of a way to have Agnes learn Sindarin and/or Westron. I mean, I've thought of several ways, but none are any good, bleh. Problem the second: I don't know any Sindarin, and I don't really want to just type gibberish and pass it off as some kind of elvish, anyone know a good online translator (email me)?

Also, I just want to mention that I'm posting this in the LotR area because; with the exception of this chapter all will be taking place in ME.

Last thing, I promise; I have no beta-reader. If anyone is interested, email me.