Disclaimer: I don't own the works of Tolkien or Pratchett, but I do worship them. All characters are theirs and will not be harmed beyond the bounds of humor or canon.

AN: I want the TP-style footnotes, so I'm going to attempt to do them with parentheses. Tell me if it's too distracting.

Oh, and hooray for the Green Pilgrim [gives The Green Pilgrim a gold star] I'm surprised there aren't more LotR/Discowrld crossovers too, considering Gollum makes an appearance in Witches Abroad. It must mean not enough people read TP, which is sad indeed.


Agnes and the Elves

Chapter 2 – Iron


Agnes stared in horror at the elves surrounding her. Her panicked mind noted that the elves we standing in the stone circle, they obviously didn't fear it like any sensible creature would.

Then again, they were elves. Elves didn't feel fear, just curiosity. And while curiosity killed the cat, the cat usually managed to kill all the mice first. And in this situation, there were six or seven cats (that Agnes could see) and one mouse.

Something about the elves was wrong, but Agnes couldn't place it. Something about their arrows...

One of the elves spoke some gibberish, Agnes thought it was a question but it was hard to tell. The words he spoke were musical, and ran together like the paint in a watercolor that had been thrown into the Lancre River.

"What?" asked Agnes. Oh, that was both helpful and clever. she berated herself.

We're dead, very very dead. moaned Perdita.

The elf frowned and spoke again, possibly the same words but more insistently, and gestured with his bow at the other elves.

Agnes shrugged helplessly, "I still don't understand you."

The Elf's eye narrowed and he said something to his companions.

Great, Agnes couldn't understand the elves, they couldn't understand her, and she was probably making them angry. She didn't know what was worse, a happy elf (which was very bad) or an angry elf (she'd never seen one angry, but it was almost definitely very bad).

Agnes didn't really want to find out, so she bolted. The elves were obviously surprised (how many people do you know who would attempt to run with a half a dozen arrows aimed at them?), and didn't immediately shoot her. There wasn't enough space for Agnes to dodge between the elves and the circle stones, or to mount her broom, so she just ran through an elf (elves are skinny and light and Agnes is most definitely not, simple physics meant that the poor elf was trampled without even slowing Agnes down).

Something hard hit Agnes on the back of the head, and she toppled forward. As she sank into unconsciousness, she figured out what was wrong with the elves arrowheads.

Iron?!




Agnes blinked, and stared down at herself sprawled out on the forest floor. What is going on?

YOU ARE HAVING AN OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE said a voice behind her.

Agnes whirled (which for the more outer parts of Agnes, took some time. Even for Death it was interesting to watch), and stared at Death. "Don't sneak up on me like that!"

Death stared at her; possibly bemused (it's had to tell with a skull). I DIDN'T. I'M NOT EVEN REALLY HERE; I'M MERELY A PRODUCT OF YOUR OVERTAXED BRAIN.

"Or possibly a product of the large rock the hit my head." Observed Agnes sourly, noticing the projectile lying next to her unconscious body.

POSSIBLY

Agnes sighed and watched the leader of the elves go to his flattened companion, while the other five surrounded Agnes and attempted to pick her up. Agnes looked closely at their clothing and weapons. They were dressed very similarly; in boots, leggings, and tunics all in earth tones, with leather armor over the tunics. Each elf had a full quiver of arrows slung over their shoulder, and one or two daggers strapped to their back.

The daggers all had steel hilts.

Agnes pointed this out to Death, "They have iron! How is that possible?! Iron hurts them!!!" Agnes felt that the extra exclamation points were justified. After all she was unconscious, being stared at by elves, and dreaming that she was having a converation with Death.

Death shrugged, a very pronounced gesture for him. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? I'M JUST A HALLUNCINATION.

Now the elves, watched by the slightly dazed elf Agnes has run over, had made a crude stretcher out of fallen tree branches and had managed to heave Agnes' body into it. One elf picked up her broom and examined it, looking a little confused, then threw it on the stretcher next to Agnes. They set off through the forest laboring to pull one end of the stretcher and letting the other drag on the ground

"Fine" Agnes said to Death, "Don't be helpful." She stalked off through the trees after her body, muttering imprecations under her breath about useless hallucinations.

Death stared after Agnes for a moment, then shrugged again and snapped his fingers. Binky came trotting through the woods and stopped beside Death, floating about an inch off the ground.

Death mounted Binky and pulled a glowing hourglass out of his robe. He examined it closely, and then put it away. Death nudged Binky with his bony knee and skeleton and horse disappeared, leaving glowing footprints in the air that slowly faded.


AN: muahaha, I love Death so much, I had to give him a scene

Still desperately thinking of a convenient plothole I can use for the language barrier. Luckily, I won't need it for a couple more chapters.