((Hey all! Sorry for the wait. I've been fighting off the pneumonia bugglies. Glad this hit during vacation! I think I might have lost every single vacation day I had in the year's bank otherwise! Back and writing again though!


Warnings: yaoi, please don't read unless you know what that word means!

Summary: Oi! Duo's reading/writing GW fan fiction.

And Anissa! You are just on top of it! my goodness, I'm groveling at your feet for all the positive strokes here. Thank you!

Ahanchan: Hee hee. I'll bet it's nervous laughter. Shall we see if we can get him just a bit more nervous? [evil writer grin]

Earthgurl: [Swoon] I'm so glad you liked it!!! heh heh, but then, there's always room for a little goofy, nonrealistic smoochiness, isn't there?

On with the show! ))


Crushing on Howe

Quatre had, at one time, known when to let things go. He'd had something nearing tact, had been sweet about it all, really. He'd never have thought to put a friend into a position of complete, total, and devastating humiliation. And while a slip up or two, now and again, is acceptable, living around Duo as long as he had, the constant barrage of quips and queries was really starting to become wearing for the victim of Quatre's new talent of turning on his teacher and making him sweat, turn red, and get a nose bleed.

It began of course, with the first fic that Quatre had written. He had no compunction about which pairing to use or not use. Rather, he was very open to all and tried them out, beginning with Duo and himself. Of course one couldn't say that the Quatre that Quat wrote of, was even remotely like him(self) but the sentiment was enough to make Duo have to shut his eyes and hide the fact he had night terrors for three nights after. It was nice, in the end, how Quat had settled on Trowa and Wufei, a tribute in a way, to the actual pair in their group. And Trowa and Wufei didn't seem too upset either. Still, those first few!

Then of course, Quatre had guessed by simple deduction on Howard's Boi's reviews, who exactly Duo was. (Quat said that it really hadn't been that difficult - and Duo had to reluctantly agree, he was terrible at hiding himself when he was trying to BE himself.) And from there on out, it was reviews and cute remarks at the dinner table, and a nice shot in the arm of revealing to everyone else that Duo was writing fictions about himself and a fictional Heero (or Hiro, really - if Duo was honest with himself - Heero wouldn't have half the passion that Hiro did, not that he would want the real Heero to have that! Because he was straight and all).

Of course, Duo got back.

To begin with, a good reading of a fiction by Quatre that left everyone staring in astonishment at the blonde haired, red faced ex-pilot; one in which Quatre and Trowa were doing things that Wufei admitted later to having never even considered doing to his lover. And then to rub it in, Duo had left a few bondage apparatus laying about for Quat to find, here and there. Even a nice ball gag for Christmas, but that present wasn't opened yet, because they had two weeks yet before Christmas. Still, Duo showed the gag to Heero (the real one) and could swear there was an odd gleam of delight and something almost.. dangerous, in the other pilot's eye.

Then of course, there was the constant dares the pair of them made to one another. Quatre's last had been for Duo to write a TreizexDuo fic, which Duo'd gagged through but wrote. And in retaliation, Duo had insisted on Quatre doing a Sally death fic (a little on the mean side, but heck! Treize?), knowing that Sally was given some fondness from the small Arabian. Quat pulled it off beautifully. And had punched Duo upon seeing him again. The dares ended there, because no one wanted to see Quatre give Duo a black eye again and Duo was averse to breaking the blonde's nose again after so many years of keeping Quat safe from himself.

The teasing about Hiro and Duo fictions and Quat's bondage tendencies remained however. Much to the consternation (and later amusement) of the other pilots.

And at the Winner Foundation Charity Dinner that night, things were going to get worse. But then, that would be getting ahead of myself, wouldn't it?

[] [] [] []

Duo wasn't one for black tie affairs. He mussed with his bowtie and sighed, staring out at the dance floor, empty yet, despite the swing band traipsing music through the hall. And, as he expected, Quatre's hand grabbed his forearm once again.

"Duo, you really don't have to wear it," his blonde friend's smile had an edge on it that ought to have meant something but didn't, really. On the other side of Quatre, Heero lifted his glance from the laptop he was currently busy on to glance over at Duo and give him a quiet frown of warning.

"Nah," Duo answered with a shrug and a half cocked grin, "S'okay, Quat. I'm not gonna die or nuthin. Hell, walked around with a priest's collar for years, should be able to put up with a stupid bow for an evening, right?" He had thought for a moment to take Quatre up on the offer to just half strip right here, or at least drag off the offending tie, and thought better about it - and not because of Heero's frown, that man had no social skills at all! How would he know what to do? Beside they were in public and there was, despite his wish to the contrary, something of an image to uphold, actually. His decision must have been the right one as well, judging from the happy smile beamed back at him from the slender Arabian man. "'Sides, I break convention enough with m'hair, don'cha think?" and the pair of them laugh some.

"I think there hasn't been a convention made to hold you, Duo," Quatre grinned.

"Convention and Duo?" Trowa's quiet humor was a good sound to hear as the tall, debonair pilot ushered his date, an equally handsome chinese pilot in a white tuxedo with a blood red waist sash to the table. "The two shall ne'er meet, I'm afraid."

"Coming from Mr. Mom, that is pretty damn hurtful, Tro!" Duo's verbal attack meant nothing and there was no chill in the hug the pair shared, nor in that which he gave to Wufei who stiffly returned the touch.

Familial hugs were somewhat new to them all, yet even Heero rose to embrace Trowa and Wufei after their arrival. Another of Trowa's ideas, something about the five of them being a different kind of family, but a family nevertheless. And how they should get used to being in contact in some other way than fighting and killing and simply surviving. As there were some in their group (namely Wufei and Heero) who were particularly distrustful of the world in their personal space, it was a good place to begin to train them to accept the nearness of others more readily. Of course, Duo had pointed out that he'd been "training them" from the get go, considering he'd hugged them from the beginning. Though he didn't come completely clean on the why's of it, exactly.

Hell, he'd even gotten a hug or two from Heero upon coming home that he hadn't had to instigate. That was some damn fine Trowa progress.

Settling into their chairs, the five bantered about (well, four, since Heero had been given an emergency run through, though he promised it wouldn't be more than twenty minutes of work before he'd be free to join them) before dinner came. It was one of those twelve course deals that left Duo frothing at the mouth and declaring that his world would never be the same. Though he wasn't sixteen any longer and he couldn't pack it away as well, he still managed to have seconds on his favorite dishes (a demand which left the kitchen in an uproar) and to declare when it was at Round Seven, that he would have to be rolled out the door, but he'd die before he stopped!

"Might just do that," was the chuckle from the other side of Quatre.

"Hee-chan? You hiding behind our sweet innocent baby? Naughty boy!" Duo shook his finger around Quatre's face. "And I will not die from overeating, though I might just cough up a hair ball or something on your bed tonight!"

"Hair ball?" was a soft query from Wufei, having lost the conversational train.

"Duo's just making Duo-sense again," Quatre replied.

"Do too make sense!" Duo frowned at his friend then glared at the deep, blue-eyed face peeking around Quatre to grin at him. Not Heero's mouth, but his eyes. Because one thing about Heero was that his eyes did a lot of his talking for him. "Okay, so maybe that was silly. I'm tired though, stayed up all night last night, practically."

"Why?" Quatre's eyes lighting up in surprise. "Another really good read?"

"Grah.... Stuck my foot in it this time, huh?" Duo mentally did a Stupid Duo Dance to remind himself to beware of a happy Quatre, which this one was.

"Certainly did! Up to the knee, I'm afraid," was the chuckle from Trowa as he leaned back, waiting on Round Eight and tucking his arm along the back of Wufei's chair, rubbing his thumb across Wufei's upper arm in a fond, nonchalant manner of contentment.

Watching the comfort between the two, Duo winced. Damn, would be nice, huh? Duo was on the lookout though for the way his pen had been cropping up lately and he quickly closed that door, wary of any others as he waded into the uncertainty of his new passion. "Okay, okay, yeah. Got a few good ones. I'll email the links to you, Quat, kay? Where's Numero Eighto?"

"Not here yet, which author?" Quatre interrupted Duo's attempt to change the subject.

"You guys are no help," Duo glared around the table at the amused glances his way before giving Quatre an equally despondent glare. "Howe, kay?.. Can we change the subject, already?" Why the hell was his face getting red?

Quatre's squeal of delight was something which might have led anyone to believe he was truly as innocent as he seemed. But the gleam in that light blue gaze was leading Duo to believe he might be going to the Grrrotic Shoppe for some more bondage stuff for Christmas for Quat. Forget the pocket held pool table, Blondie was going down.

"Oh no! Oh, no.. I love the interaction between the two of you! You really have it bad!" Quatre's gleam wasn't, Duo realized too late, dangerous. It was downright lethal. It was that happy 'world is gonna be roses' gleam which meant Quatre was on a mission of something ideal and stupid and which would, in the end, leave Duo gagging with either buttery sweet cuteness, or be just flat out embarrassed as hell.

Of course, that is about the time when the "have it bad" comment sinks in and Duo coughs on his water. "Have... what?" his eyes wide. "Quat!" a croak as he reached for his napkin, but it was too late, even putting out his hand to stop the thin pilot, his arm just didn't seem long enough, nor fast enough to stop the end from coming.

"Have it bad?" the question from Heero and then a grunt of confusion from across the table. Even Trowa didn't have the decency to feel badly for Duo and was exhibiting a show of interest, leaning forward with his gaze on their Innocent.

"Oh you remember the story we read last time? The time Duo came clean with what he was reading."

Duo choked. "I - I wasn't trying to come CLEAN!!!' But his cry went unheeded.

"The one without any plot.." Trowa's rumble had a promise of a repeat and Duo had presence of mind enough to move his soup bowl which had just arrived, before he thunked his forehead against the table.

"Don't hurt yourself," Quatre's cloth napkin went in between Duo and the table on the second bang and the long haired pilot leaned back in agony. "You know, you could just tell them, yourself. I - I don't mean to make you look like an.."

"But you're doing such a good job at it," Duo couldn't help the snide cut in his voice. And Duo instantly felt badly for Quatre, paling and looking miserably down at his hands wrenched in his lap. "Ah... shit, Quat." Of course, Quat, on his idealism rant, hadn't stopped to think how a street rat might take all the gushy, lovey dovey stuff. With a sigh, Duo draped his arm around the blonde's shoulders and gave a self deprecating grin. "So what Quat's talking about, is just that I wish I could find someone who has... I dunno, the soul, maybe? That this writer does. She's just... amazing. She does this shit with her writing that seems stupid, but it's so damned tender."

"She? You know now?" Wufei's steel trap mind caught that pronoun.

"Nah, but I'm guessing, seeing as how like, ninety percent of them are girls. But damn, I'd go bi, if she was a guy, just cause..." Duo was surprised how easily the words came from him and with a blush he let go of Quatre's shoulders and reached for his water. "Anyway.." mumbling into his glass, he refused to look up at the silent table.

Dammit. One thing to joke about it on the internet. Quite a different thing to say it aloud to your best friends.

A low laugh cut the sense of cold running down Duo's back and he looked up to see the kind eyes of their Momma Hen on him. "So," Trowa said finally, "you figured that the gender didn't matter so much as the heart? Not bad, Duo. You might just grow up."

"Dunno if wanting to shag a guy is grown up," Duo was relieved to drop into a joking air. "I just recognize that there's more to it all than a couple of bumps on top or bottom."

Trowa's smile grew. "Do you want to shag a guy?" using Duo's words and probing just a bit.

Duo wasn't sure if he could turn redder if he was a stop light. "No! It's not like that! It's an emotional thing. You know... kinda like something that doesn't have to do with ... ah hell.. I can't... " But could he, if he ever found someone like that, shag them, no matter the gender? The question shook some deep beliefs in his soul that he'd never considered before and he could feel reality slip just a little to the right.

"Duo.. I'm.. I'm so sorry.." Quatre, taking the panicked look on his friend's face personally. "I didn't know that I was going t-"

"Hey! Quat, chill kid. See? I'm okay!" Duo swallowed the chill and gave his friend a huge mega watt Joker Mask grin. "Just got me thinkin' kay? So don't you worry your pretty lil' head over it," and he tousled the blonde, perfectly set hair until it broke free of it's coiffure and released Quatre's returning smile.

"There's nothing little about me," Quatre laughed, and to be sure, it was true enough. There really wasn't any more. Still, it was a sure fire way to get them all laughing and on another subject.

Still, Duo was preoccupied for the remainder of the evening and when it was time to leave, he hadn't managed to cut up the dance floor and toss it around to all the pretty gals in need of a good time, nor had he really paid all that much attention to the "sermon" that the board members had put on for their guests. And he was silent when he got into the car and, letting Heero drive because he'd drunk a few glasses of wine, waited for his friend to pull out of the lot and onto the road.

After some time, Duo felt the need to break their usual quiet with something besides music. It was a half hour drive, plenty of time for talk or music or... what have you. "Heero?"

"Mm?" Why was that sound Heero made so comforting? It meant that Heero was listening, though Duo hadn't always known that. He'd come to realize it some years later, to realize that Heero listened to them all. That he was quiet because he was always attending to what the rest of them were saying. It scared Duo in a way, because it left him feeling that maybe Heero knew more about them, about him, than he even did himself. And he didn't want anyone to know more about him than he did.

"About what we were talking about," Duo began, not sure just where to pick up the conversation. Yet there was that waiting silence and he was compelled to enter it and fill it. "About bisexuality and all that. I mean, this is gonna sound weird and all that. So just punch me if I'm being stupid or something, because I know how it is when I get stupid. I just... just say stupid shit that I can't - can't believe that I said that about wanting to shag a guy. I swear if I was any dumber I woulda- OW!" and he pulled back, rubbing his upper arm with a scowl.

"You were acting stupid," Heero's reply after he returned his attention to replace his hand on the steering wheel and continue focusing on the road.

"You hit too hard." Duo grumbled.

"I try to," Heero's smile could be heard though it was barely visible on his face. "Okay, so can you ask your question in twenty words or less?" He'd learned this approach worked well for Duo who was, in the end, a huge perfectionist and would never break the number barrier if it was given him. Even if it meant to ask only half of the question. Still, it would be the important half.

"Errr.. yeah.." Duo frowned, staring out the window, trying to line up his thoughts in order of priority. What was he asking, exactly?

"Do you... " he began and halted a moment, taking a breath, "... think I'm... gay? Or bisexual!" he added the last quickly.

Duo almost broke the silence again, waiting for Heero's answer. Why had he asked it like that? There were so many other ways to ask! But then, it was what he wanted to know, actually. He took a breath, meaning to take it back when Heero finally spoke, slowly, as if he chose each word from some far distant place, dimly remembered.

"Let me take you through this, okay? Because I'm not sure it's that easy for you, Duo. We've been through a lot of damaging moments in our lives that could very well impact our ability to have a relationship with anyone, let along choose the gender." Heero's words had the quiet of a lecture, yet soft enough to not frighten. It was one of the things they'd enjoyed discovering about Heero when he finally chose to open his mouth and be more than Mr. Self Destruct if I Can't Blow it Up. "So, first, considering that we had had a hard time where trust was not just a matter of keeping our hearts safe, but a matter of keeping our bodies alive and the fate of the colonies as well. There is quite a bit more needed than for most before we can trust someone with even the smallest of details we find important, is this correct?"

"You ask that like you know the answer," Duo quipped and then grinned, leaning back. "Kinda. I mean, I'm pretty open with tmost people, and even more open with the other writers online. But then, they don't know who I am." And following the line of reasoning, he finally nodded. "Yeah, I guess trust is something that I need to know a hell of a lot before I give it. I give a good semblance of it, though!" by way of excuse for himself though the grin wasn't real enough and both he and Heero knew it. It was painful, having to hide all the time, even after the time of hiding was over.

"Aa.." Heero nodded in acceptance. "Therefore, trust being a basis for commitment. One must trust before one becomes loyal to another human being in a strong relationship such as is dreamt about when it comes to general mankind. So I guess the question would be, Duo, do you want to have such a commitment? If you do, then trust is of utmost importance."

"Yeah... I understand. And yeah, I guess I do," Duo smirked. "I mean, dating's fun and all? But it's not doing anyone any good, really. 'Cause I'm no good at going further than the first few dates. Just figured I was a particularly bad commitment phobe, ya know?"

"I don't think you are particularly bad, considering where you've been, Duo." Heero's calm voice answered him, the voice of reason.

"You afraid of commitment?" Duo asked, afraid almost to do so. What if he was alone in all of this?

"Yes and no. I'm committed to the four of you. I'm committed to a cause for peace now that we're done. I'm committed to my job and to my schooling. And I'm committed to making myself a better person than I was designed and trained to be, with a higher purpose. But in the way of a relationship outside of the four of you? I'm afraid I'll never be able to commit myself." Heero was plain spoken and quiet and Duo could feel the sadness from Heero's words as well as feel the sense of relief rushing through his own body.

"Yeah, amen to that. Not that I knew you were.. you know, committed to all that shit. But I think I am too. Just not as focused as you are, maybe?" Duo wasn't sure. What did he have to prove anyway?

Heero only laughed and turned the car to the right, passing off of the highway onto the main streets. "No, Duo. You're focused. You are focused in the way a compass is focused. You point in all directions yet you're always where you are, no matter where you face. You are true to yourself, even in hiding from yourself, and your commitment and loyalty, albeit far more broad than mine, is what led me to want to do the same thing. I do not think that having a different way of doing things, a different style, is the same thing as lacking focus or direction."

"Ahh.. sure.." What was Duo supposed to say to that, anyway?

Sensing Duo's confusion, Heero was quick to move back into their initial conversation. "Therefore, if you want that depth of relationship with another, and you have a lack of trust that is, invariably, something that will never go away, considering your childhood and then your teen experiences with the war and the rest of us, I guess the last question is this. With so few people you may ever truly trust in your life, will it matter what gender that person is when you find them?"

Duo sat back and stared out the window, allowing the question to settle and didn't reply. But then, Heero didn't press him either. And the rest of the drive was completed in the silence of consideration.

Getting out of the car, Duo hesitated, staring up the steps that led to their dorm. Here, in the college parking lot, he felt almost otherworldly, the lights flooding the black plain upon which he stood, time standing still just for him, holding its breath just for him, for death, for the danger that had been him and was always going to be him. He never would fully shuck the skin he'd put on while he lived on the streets with Solo, never truly be free from the past of killing, the blood on his hands and the blood he'd seen spilled. "I..."

It was just one word, but Heero turned at the edge of the lot and returned to him, the cobalt blue a dark shadow now as the other pilot carefully wrapped Duo in his arms.

Duo only cried for a short time. There simply had been enough tears shed and he occasionally felt the need to clean out various closets he'd left stuffed with memories, some forgotten, some remembered but not thought about yet. But as always, Heero was there. This was where the fiction did not touch, could not touch. "I think.." he was able to say moments after the silent snuffles had passed, but he did not pull away and Heero remained, listening without watching, his chin atop Duo's hair, "that I want Howard's Boi.. that writer, to see that I'm not damaged. That I'm not broken. So that I can be real like all the rest of them. All the rest of -"

Quatre would have told him he was real. Trowa would have let him know that he could be real. Wufei would have scoffed at the idea, saying it was dishonorable to think of what they'd done as something to get rid of. But Heero only held him. Because Duo knew that Heero was the same in ways. They were so much the same, speaking in silences what they'd never put into words.

But Duo wasn't one for silences and he attacked the closet in his mind with a vengeance once more. "When I grew up... on the streets, Solo was my guard. He saved me. You know all this shit. But what you don't know, is that when I met you all, I wanted so badly to make you guys leave me. I wanted you all to treat me like I was street scum, like I didn't exist. Leave me alone because everyone else had left me alone. Because... because Solo never left me alone. So.. So I was as obnoxious as I knew how to be. I just.. I didn't..."

"A test," Heero's voice was soft in Duo's ear and the resulting sob from the long haired man gave occasion for Heero's arms to tighten around his friend who only nodded in mute agony.

"Only.." Duo gasped, after gaining control again, "You passed. Each one of you. You treated me like shit, but I was your shit to treat like that. Quatre...damn.. he always tried so hard to be friends, even when I hurt him. And Wufei wanted to leave, but his honor bound him to me, cause we fought together. Tr-Trowa, fuck.. he just was there, you know? He.. he never let me fall, even when he did. And you... " here again, Duo's body clenched in pain and Heero's arms closed him more deeply inside that protective circle. Sometimes it was the only way any of them could say such things, in that place of safety provided by one of the others. "Fuck, Hee-chan. You hated me, or you... you acted like it. But you nev- never left me. You nev-never died on me. You n-never for-for-forgot me.. Dammit! Why can't I stop crying!?" and wildly, Duo pushed away from Heero, allowed to go and stumble back, brushing at his eyes to dry them and growling at his lack of strength. There was, in the end, only so much weakness anyone could stand to show, even to someone that they trusted with their very soul, their heart, their ... everything.

Maybe it was the lack of sleep that brought that in, maybe it was the friggin' pen which Duo was constantly having to put away that caused the thought to come in, maybe it was just that it was time or he'd drunk too much. Whatever it was, however, the idea of trusting Heero so completely left Duo breathless and he stood, staring at his friend who waited, like a patient stone of safety and love before him, hands slightly out to the side and a look of quiet in the dark blue eyes. As it was, Duo could not be blamed wholly for the cry he gave. The words wrenched from him, "Oh 'Ro.. I'm.. I'm so - so sorry!" and neither knew just exactly what he was apologizing for, not even afterwards. But the plaintive note was enough to make Heero take a step forward and for Duo to meet him with a flying leap, wrapping his arms around his friend's neck; not aware of the whys of it, pressing his lips upon Heero's parted mouth, as the other pilot prepared to speak.

It was a grappling of arms, legs, lips, intense and momentary and... and... and...

Perfect.

But then, perfection can't last, can it? Duo stumbled back, staring in shock at his friend, his body shaking, his mind reeling and trying to catch up with the rest of him after having been left behind to instinct, and need, and just the purity of something that defied definition. Duo wasn't sure what to think, staring at Heero who only managed to stare back, pale faced in the artificial light of the parking lot, his blue eyes wide like bruises on his face. What emotion was on that face Duo feared to try and guess. Stepping back once more, he soundlessly turned and darted away, running as if the very gates of Oz's hells were at his heels.

Long after Duo's footsteps had left the gravel path leading from the parking lot and headed south toward midtown, Heero remained, staring into the dark with an unreadable expression on his face. Lifting his hand to touch his lower lip, he found upon the contact, that he was trembling.


((EEEE! Oh I hope it came out okay! Review and all, eh? Not sure how the romance-ish stuff is coming off, but I hope it's serving well enough. Forgive tense like stuff and any mistakes. I'm a non- betaed writah and I'm too sick to worry about it yet. I'll be editing latah. ))